Support and Dependency

During your journey, there is a difference between support and dependency. Still, they are both valuable to you.

Support comes as physical, emotional, and mental. Your support group will help you through the process. Some will be there every day, while others come and go. Either way they are one of the main reasons you survive this ordeal.

Dependency may be necessary in the beginning. Do not worry that you are depending too much on others. Let everyone help you and meet your needs. So much is happening and you are incapable of functioning well. It is wise to let others help you manoeuvre through the process.

When my husband was dying, I was sleeping every night at the hospital and during a critical phase, I became disoriented. The shock of the diagnosis and lack of sleep made me into a zombie. I thought that I was doing well. However, my family became worried about me. At that stage, I listened to their advice and depended on them. They drove me to the hospital, organised my meals, and brought me home each day to rest for a few hours. They mothered me and I was totally dependent on them.

As I moved through the last weeks, the dependency continued. However, after his passing the dependence morphed into support. I became more able to function and did not need the same kind of care.

A mixture of dependency and support are necessary. When you need help, ask. There will be time later to become more self-reliant and repay their kindness.

 

Prayer, Meditation and Affirmations

Prayer is a personal choice. Sometimes, the process of death brings you closer to your God. Perhaps your prayers were not answered and the outcome was not what you wished, but your faith continues to be strong. Other times, the loss brings a loss of faith.

I pray all the time. Not in the church but definitely every time I need to speak to God. I also pray to my angels and those on the other side. I ask for guidance and the strength to get through this ordeal. In my prayers, I request that healing be sent to me and others who are struggling with grief.

Prayer is a valuable tool during grief, especially when you have faith. While you are in the angry phase and possibly hating God and everything else, prayer is more challenging. However, don’t shut yourself off from your God. Try to love God unconditionally. Everyone has to die and even God cannot change that truth. Although you may think it was the wrong time or mistakes were made, there is always a plan.

I had a serious accident in my early forties and nearly died. I remember crossing over and seeing the Light and my deceased mum. In a twinkling, I was sent back. It was not my time. It taught me that we only pass when the time is right.

After my husband’s death, my faith increased and it steered me through many sad and lonely times. Instead of feeling totally alone, I knew God and my angels were right there by my side. On the bad days, I struggled to sense them around, but I just nagged them for more clarity and help. I reached out and knew that they heard me.

Going to a church or joining a religious group may give you strength. The sense of belonging fortifies us and brings new light and joy into our lives. It does not matter how long you go or whether you only sit alone in the church and light a candle for your loved one. Just do what feeds your soul.

Meditating is a useful and calming tool. A few minutes every day first thing in the morning or at night may make the difference between coping or not. Meditate when you wish to nourish your soul

It is finding peace in the stillness that gives healing to the soul. I look forward to being in that peaceful space and reconnecting with Spirit. There are many ways to meditate. Do not give up if one version does not work. Find another one.

Some people do a walking meditation, while others attend classes. I simply lie in the Light and connect with my angels. Then I breathe in slowly and bring in positive thoughts and emotions and let go of negative ones. I ask for guidance and try to be in the moment.

Guided meditations are good because they keep you from drifting off and listening to a human voice soothes the soul. There are countless types available. I found that the person’s voice is important as it needs to resonate with you.

During meditation, the body relaxes and often you gain insights into aspects of your life. I look forward to connecting with myself and Spirit. It brings me peace and it is a sanctuary during dark times. Grief is overwhelming and by meditating more love and light enters our soul.

When someone we love has passed, they exist in the realms of meditation and I always feel closer to them. Being both of Spirit, we connect in this sacred space. You may use this time to talk to people who have passed and may receive signs or visions during your meditation. The two worlds blend and the spiritual connection is powerful.

Keep in mind that affirmations are powerful tools for change. By making your intentions and repeating them to yourself they begin to alter how you think and feel. Doing them daily works well. Simply say whatever you wish to change.

Recovering from grief is difficult and trying to think positive thoughts requires tenacity. However, keep saying over and over again what you want to change.

These are some useful affirmations

I am healing from this

Every day I am getting better and better

I am grateful for all that I have had

I have known love. What a gift!

Every day I am getting stronger

I am surrounded with love

I can get through this loss

I am a survivor

There is still some happiness in my day

The world is a loving and beautiful place

I am full of positive emotions and love

My thoughts are positive and powerful

This time will pass

The pain is lessening

As time passes add more of your own affirmations and tell your mind and body that you are healing. Your thoughts make you better because they change your body chemistry. Although there are days when it feels fake and your heart is not in it, continue to affirm.

In a way, it is like self-hypnosis. You are projecting a more positive and healthy life physically, emotionally, and mentally. Some people say them constantly. Others write them out or say them aloud. Use whatever works for you.

Keep positive, even in your negative space and refrain from saying negative statements all the time

 

Writing Letters and Reading Grief Books

Another avenue of expression is writing a letter to your loved one about how you feel. It is cathartic. When the passing has been tricky, anger and resentment may be left. Not all people die with grace. Some fight and are argumentative. Dying people often take out their frustrations on the family, while acting like an angel to others. This is a common outcome.

There may be much left unsaid, especially when your loved one passes unexpectedly. Even with prolonged illness, the medication and pain may make communication difficult.

Writing a letter serves two purposes. You are able to express your love and grief directly without any filter. The pain and loss, the void and tears can be fully voiced. It is also a way to express the anger you feel because they have gone and left you. The longing and disappointment about how it turned out can be written about.

The other situation is when you were left upset and disappointed with their treatment of you. Although you know they are ill and these behaviours may be due to the sickness and medication, a part of you still suffers. We all want a healing ending. However, when faced with death, some individuals try to regain control and become difficult for the family to deal with. Instead of reconciliation, the family are left with nasty memories.

Voicing your feelings via a letter allows you to let go. I wrote several letters to release my emotions. Some were the grief ones, while others were the venting, disappointed ones. After our loved ones die there can be many unanswered questions. Although we cannot get the answers, by writing out our feelings, we clear the slate.

I wrote the letters to my husband until there was no more to say. I also wrote to other loved ones from the past. Then whenever I felt the need to express myself again, I began writing. It helped me enormously to let go of my emotions and in my case, the negativity surrounding his death.

When I began my loss experience, I read everything I could find. Use Google, join grief groups, and find books. It gives a wider perspective and you feel less alone when others are experiencing the same reality. When you are upset, reading other people’s experiences and advice is healing and gives us hope of a better tomorrow.

Reading teaches us about common issues and how to cope. With grief you are in flux. There is a victim and survivor response to grief and you may switch from one to the other. However, long-term you become a victim or survivor. Victims tend to live primarily in the past which colours their present. Survivors acknowledge the past but live in the present and future.

Survivors want to move on and heal whereas victims want to remain in pain. I fluctuated in the beginning, but ultimately, I wished to be a survivor. On the forums, I noticed that some people remained in the victim space for decades.

Reading that grief comes in waves helped me because the up and down was confusing. Once I saw the pattern, I made allowances. I let myself cry and be miserable. Instead of feeling weak and out of control, I expected to breakdown anywhere and anytime.

Loss taught me how difficult life is, but my compassion for myself and others was heightened. I marvelled at others who had navigated through the years of loss. There are lessons in grief and it strengthens us and builds our ability to grow.

Find books that resonate with you and your experiences and gain what you can from them. I found books written by people who had lived through their loss was truer and more realistic.

 

Free Writing

Free writing is different to journaling. It is less a record of your day and more like a long expression of emotions and thoughts. There are many emotions and they may be overwhelming. Writing out how we feel helps to release much of the chatter in our mind and heart. Free writing is cathartic and a useful method in release work.

Write continuously and let it all out. By writing without censor, you fully express without judgment or measure. Say everything in your writing. Our family and friends are great to talk to, but some of our darker and sadder thoughts are kept to ourselves. Free writing allows you to vent and express your deepest emotions in a private place.

Not all deaths are easy. Writing in private enables you speak the truth without hurting or compromising any family relationships. You may cry and sob as you write and let out your fear, doubt, sorrow, anger and rage.

Moving on is about letting go and you definitely let go with free writing. Let yourself swear, repeat what you said, and vent. It is normal to write pages and pages as you pour out your heart.

The more you write, the clearer it becomes and over time, the load lessens. Then whenever you get a build-up get out your book and begin writing. At times, I wrote very quickly and it looks like a scrawl. Don’t worry if there are pages of illegible sentences.

Reading aloud what you have written is powerful. Somehow it brings up another wave of emotion. Afterwards, you can rip up the pages and throw them in the bin. Some people like to burn them. It’s a personal choice.

 

Journals

Writing is a valuable tool in your journey. Being able to write about the day and how you feel is healing. Use the journal when you have the need, but do not make it a chore. You have enough chores already.

Writing allows you to shed the past. Every morning or night have that little written conversation with yourself. Speak honestly and freely. The act of writing is letting go and there is much to let go of during loss. I was surprised later when I read my journal. I saw my progress and it gave me an understanding of how far I had come.

Journaling is a positive affirmation of your healing. As time passes and you become stronger and more able to face your new life, your writing will change.

Try to be truthful and inspire yourself with positive thoughts. Nothing lasts forever and in time, you will heal Your journal is a physical manifestation of your healing journey and a useful avenue of expression. Your journal can be a way to write about what you are grateful for and then it also becomes a journal of hope and faith. Not only can you write about your current emotions, or make a wish list for the future, you may include poems, sayings you love, and small drawings.

Being a private activity, you are able to fully express yourself in a safe environment. Often, we only say aloud what others can handle. Loss is such an encompassing experience and writing allows unfettered expression.

Getting through special days after losing someone

 

The Gift of Giving 

The gift of giving changes after the passing of your loved one. When you are in a loving partner relationship you tend spoil each other. This is missing once you lose your partner. The flowers, the chocolates and cakes, and gifts of kindness are no more. There is a hole in your life.

Other people may do special acts of kindness, but it never fills that particular place in your heart. I missed giving and receiving these treats with my husband. He was my world and I loved doing special things for him.

The best way to remedy it by treating yourself and others. Although it never is the same, this simple act of generosity fills an empty day. Buy flowers for yourself, boxes of chocolates, or anything you fancy. Also buy gifts and treats for others.

There are countless losses and all you can do is to try and provide close to what you had. Loving yourself enough to spoil yourself is healing and teaches you to be self-sufficient. Spoiling others enables you to retain your kindness and to continue to be thoughtful.

When my husband died, I missed this aspect of my life. I had found much joy in giving to him and now I was limited. Instead, I sent him love and light whenever I could. I sent good wishes and hopes that he finds happiness too. It was a spiritual act, rather than a physical human one, however it fulfilled my need to give to him. I remembered him in my prayers and often lit a candle on his behalf.

The act of giving continues, even though they are gone from our physical reality.