Losing Your Partner
How to survive losing your partner and learn to live again.
Sunday, 19 January 2025
Saturday, 21 December 2024
Oh, No Festive Season
Well hold on tight as it is a challenging time. After losing your partner, Christmas is never the same. Don't beat yourself about it. It is a testament to the love you shared.
I dreaded it and shielded myself somewhat. Only do and go to where you feel okay. If you want to stay home, it is fine. You are the one suffering. Watch bad TV, pig out and cry if you want.
I bought myself a gift for the day to ease the loss and waited until the day passed by.
When you have been together for many years, it is harder to stand alone there feeling terrible in a house of festivity.
Give yourself permission to do what gives you peace and is less stressful.
Love Wendy x
Friday, 4 October 2024
Support and Dependency
During your journey, there is a difference between support
and dependency. Still, they are both valuable to you.
Support comes as physical, emotional, and mental. Your
support group will help you through the process. Some will be there every day,
while others come and go. Either way they are one of the main reasons you
survive this ordeal.
Dependency may be necessary in the beginning. Do not worry
that you are depending too much on others. Let everyone help you and meet your
needs. So much is happening and you are incapable of functioning well. It is
wise to let others help you manoeuvre through the process.
When my husband was dying, I was sleeping every night at the
hospital and during a critical phase, I became disoriented. The shock of the
diagnosis and lack of sleep made me into a zombie. I thought that I was doing
well. However, my family became worried about me. At that stage, I listened to
their advice and depended on them. They drove me to the hospital, organised my
meals, and brought me home each day to rest for a few hours. They mothered me
and I was totally dependent on them.
As I moved through the last weeks, the dependency continued.
However, after his passing the dependence morphed into support. I became more
able to function and did not need the same kind of care.
A mixture of dependency and support are necessary. When you
need help, ask. There will be time later to become more self-reliant and repay
their kindness.
Monday, 30 September 2024
Prayer, Meditation and Affirmations
Prayer is a personal choice. Sometimes, the process of death
brings you closer to your God. Perhaps your prayers were not answered and the
outcome was not what you wished, but your faith continues to be strong. Other
times, the loss brings a loss of faith.
I pray all the time. Not in the church but definitely every
time I need to speak to God. I also pray to my angels and those on the other
side. I ask for guidance and the strength to get through this ordeal. In my
prayers, I request that healing be sent to me and others who are struggling
with grief.
Prayer is a valuable tool during grief, especially when you
have faith. While you are in the angry phase and possibly hating God and
everything else, prayer is more challenging. However, don’t shut yourself off
from your God. Try to love God unconditionally. Everyone has to die and even
God cannot change that truth. Although you may think it was the wrong time or
mistakes were made, there is always a plan.
I had a serious accident in my early forties and nearly
died. I remember crossing over and seeing the Light and my deceased mum. In a
twinkling, I was sent back. It was not my time. It taught me that we only pass
when the time is right.
After my husband’s death, my faith increased and it steered
me through many sad and lonely times. Instead of feeling totally alone, I knew
God and my angels were right there by my side. On the bad days, I struggled to
sense them around, but I just nagged them for more clarity and help. I reached
out and knew that they heard me.
Going to a church or joining a religious group may give you
strength. The sense of belonging fortifies us and brings new light and joy into
our lives. It does not matter how long you go or whether you only sit alone in
the church and light a candle for your loved one. Just do what feeds your soul.
Meditating is a useful and calming tool. A few minutes every
day first thing in the morning or at night may make the difference between
coping or not. Meditate
when you wish to nourish your soul
It is finding peace in the stillness that gives healing to
the soul. I look forward to being in that peaceful space and reconnecting with Spirit.
There are many ways to meditate. Do not give up if one version does not work.
Find another one.
Some people do a walking meditation, while others attend
classes. I simply lie in the Light and connect with my angels. Then I breathe in
slowly and bring in positive thoughts and emotions and let go of negative ones.
I ask for guidance and try to be in the moment.
Guided meditations are good because they keep you from
drifting off and listening to a human voice soothes the soul. There are
countless types available. I found that the person’s voice is important as it
needs to resonate with you.
During meditation, the body relaxes and often you gain
insights into aspects of your life. I look forward to connecting with myself
and Spirit. It brings me peace and it is a sanctuary during dark times. Grief is
overwhelming and by meditating more love and light enters our soul.
When someone we love has passed, they exist in the realms of
meditation and I always feel closer to them. Being both of Spirit, we connect
in this sacred space. You may use this time to talk to people who have passed
and may receive signs or visions during your meditation. The two worlds blend
and the spiritual connection is powerful.
Keep in mind that affirmations are powerful tools for
change. By making your intentions and repeating them to yourself they begin to
alter how you think and feel. Doing them daily works well. Simply say whatever
you wish to change.
Recovering from grief is difficult and trying to think
positive thoughts requires tenacity. However, keep saying over and over again
what you want to change.
These are some useful affirmations
I am healing from this
Every day I am getting better and better
I am grateful for all that I have had
I have known love. What a gift!
Every day I am getting stronger
I am surrounded with love
I can get through this loss
I am a survivor
There is still some happiness in my day
The world is a loving and beautiful place
I am full of positive emotions and love
My thoughts are positive and powerful
This time will pass
The pain is lessening
As time passes add more of your own affirmations and tell
your mind and body that you are healing. Your thoughts make you better because
they change your body chemistry. Although there are days when it feels fake and
your heart is not in it, continue to affirm.
In a way, it is like self-hypnosis. You are projecting a
more positive and healthy life physically, emotionally, and mentally. Some
people say them constantly. Others write them out or say them aloud. Use
whatever works for you.
Keep positive, even in your negative space and refrain from
saying negative statements all the time
Thursday, 26 September 2024
Writing Letters and Reading Grief Books
Another avenue of expression is writing a letter to your
loved one about how you feel. It is cathartic. When the passing has been
tricky, anger and resentment may be left. Not all people die with grace. Some
fight and are argumentative. Dying people often take out their frustrations on
the family, while acting like an angel to others. This is a common outcome.
There may be much left unsaid, especially when your loved
one passes unexpectedly. Even with prolonged illness, the medication and pain
may make communication difficult.
Writing a letter serves two purposes. You are able to
express your love and grief directly without any filter. The pain and loss, the
void and tears can be fully voiced. It is also a way to express the anger you
feel because they have gone and left you. The longing and disappointment
about how it turned out can be written about.
The other situation is when you were left upset and
disappointed with their treatment of you. Although you know they are ill and
these behaviours may be due to the sickness and medication, a part of you still
suffers. We all want a healing ending. However, when faced with death, some
individuals try to regain control and become difficult for the family to deal
with. Instead of reconciliation, the family are left with nasty memories.
Voicing your feelings via a letter allows you to let go. I
wrote several letters to release my emotions. Some were the grief ones, while
others were the venting, disappointed ones. After our loved ones die there can
be many unanswered questions. Although we cannot get the answers, by writing
out our feelings, we clear the slate.
I wrote the letters to my husband until there was no more to
say. I also wrote to other loved ones from the past. Then whenever I felt the
need to express myself again, I began writing. It helped me enormously to let
go of my emotions and in my case, the negativity surrounding his death.
When I began my loss experience, I read everything I could
find. Use Google, join grief groups, and find books. It gives a wider
perspective and you feel less alone when others are experiencing the same
reality. When you are upset, reading other people’s experiences and advice is
healing and gives us hope of a better tomorrow.
Reading teaches us about common issues and how to cope. With
grief you are in flux. There is a victim and survivor response to grief and you
may switch from one to the other. However, long-term you become a victim or
survivor. Victims tend to live primarily in the past which colours their
present. Survivors acknowledge the past but live in the present and future.
Survivors want to move on and heal whereas victims want to remain in
pain. I fluctuated in the beginning, but ultimately, I wished to be a
survivor. On the forums, I noticed that some people remained in the victim
space for decades.
Reading that grief comes in waves helped me because the up
and down was confusing. Once I saw the pattern, I made allowances. I let myself
cry and be miserable. Instead of feeling weak and out of control, I expected to
breakdown anywhere and anytime.
Loss taught me how difficult life is, but my compassion for
myself and others was heightened. I marvelled at others who had navigated
through the years of loss. There are lessons in grief and it strengthens us and
builds our ability to grow.
Find books that resonate with you and your experiences and gain
what you can from them. I found books written by people who had lived through
their loss was truer and more realistic.
Free Writing
Free writing is different to journaling. It is less a record
of your day and more like a long expression of emotions and thoughts. There are
many emotions and they may be overwhelming. Writing out how we feel helps to
release much of the chatter in our mind and heart. Free writing is cathartic
and a useful method in release work.
Write continuously and let it all out. By writing without censor,
you fully express without judgment or measure. Say everything in your writing.
Our family and friends are great to talk to, but some of our darker and sadder
thoughts are kept to ourselves. Free writing allows you to vent and express
your deepest emotions in a private place.
Not all deaths are easy. Writing in private enables you
speak the truth without hurting or compromising any family relationships. You may
cry and sob as you write and let out your fear, doubt, sorrow, anger and rage.
Moving on is about letting go and you definitely let go with
free writing. Let yourself swear, repeat what you said, and vent. It is normal
to write pages and pages as you pour out your heart.
The more you write, the clearer it becomes and over time,
the load lessens. Then whenever you get a build-up get out your book and begin
writing. At times, I wrote very quickly and it looks like a scrawl. Don’t worry
if there are pages of illegible sentences.
Reading aloud what you have written is powerful. Somehow it
brings up another wave of emotion. Afterwards, you can rip up the pages and
throw them in the bin. Some people like to burn them. It’s a personal choice.
Wednesday, 25 September 2024
Journals
Writing is a valuable tool in your journey. Being able to
write about the day and how you feel is healing. Use the journal when you have
the need, but do not make it a chore. You have enough chores already.
Writing allows you to shed the past. Every morning or night have
that little written conversation with yourself. Speak honestly and freely. The
act of writing is letting go and there is much to let go of during loss. I was
surprised later when I read my journal. I saw my progress and it gave me an
understanding of how far I had come.
Journaling is a positive affirmation of your healing. As
time passes and you become stronger and more able to face your new life, your
writing will change.
Try to be truthful and inspire yourself with positive
thoughts. Nothing lasts forever and in time, you will heal Your journal is a
physical manifestation of your healing journey and a useful avenue of
expression. Your journal can be a way to write about what you are grateful for
and then it also becomes a journal of hope and faith. Not only can you write
about your current emotions, or make a wish list for the future, you may
include poems, sayings you love, and small drawings.
Being a private activity, you are able to fully express
yourself in a safe environment. Often, we only say aloud what others can
handle. Loss is such an encompassing experience and writing allows unfettered
expression.