Writing Letters and Reading Grief Books

Another avenue of expression is writing a letter to your loved one about how you feel. It is cathartic. When the passing has been tricky, anger and resentment may be left. Not all people die with grace. Some fight and are argumentative. Dying people often take out their frustrations on the family, while acting like an angel to others. This is a common outcome.

There may be much left unsaid, especially when your loved one passes unexpectedly. Even with prolonged illness, the medication and pain may make communication difficult.

Writing a letter serves two purposes. You are able to express your love and grief directly without any filter. The pain and loss, the void and tears can be fully voiced. It is also a way to express the anger you feel because they have gone and left you. The longing and disappointment about how it turned out can be written about.

The other situation is when you were left upset and disappointed with their treatment of you. Although you know they are ill and these behaviours may be due to the sickness and medication, a part of you still suffers. We all want a healing ending. However, when faced with death, some individuals try to regain control and become difficult for the family to deal with. Instead of reconciliation, the family are left with nasty memories.

Voicing your feelings via a letter allows you to let go. I wrote several letters to release my emotions. Some were the grief ones, while others were the venting, disappointed ones. After our loved ones die there can be many unanswered questions. Although we cannot get the answers, by writing out our feelings, we clear the slate.

I wrote the letters to my husband until there was no more to say. I also wrote to other loved ones from the past. Then whenever I felt the need to express myself again, I began writing. It helped me enormously to let go of my emotions and in my case, the negativity surrounding his death.

When I began my loss experience, I read everything I could find. Use Google, join grief groups, and find books. It gives a wider perspective and you feel less alone when others are experiencing the same reality. When you are upset, reading other people’s experiences and advice is healing and gives us hope of a better tomorrow.

Reading teaches us about common issues and how to cope. With grief you are in flux. There is a victim and survivor response to grief and you may switch from one to the other. However, long-term you become a victim or survivor. Victims tend to live primarily in the past which colours their present. Survivors acknowledge the past but live in the present and future.

Survivors want to move on and heal whereas victims want to remain in pain. I fluctuated in the beginning, but ultimately, I wished to be a survivor. On the forums, I noticed that some people remained in the victim space for decades.

Reading that grief comes in waves helped me because the up and down was confusing. Once I saw the pattern, I made allowances. I let myself cry and be miserable. Instead of feeling weak and out of control, I expected to breakdown anywhere and anytime.

Loss taught me how difficult life is, but my compassion for myself and others was heightened. I marvelled at others who had navigated through the years of loss. There are lessons in grief and it strengthens us and builds our ability to grow.

Find books that resonate with you and your experiences and gain what you can from them. I found books written by people who had lived through their loss was truer and more realistic.