Anger, Guilt, Regret and Hindsight

Anger and loss go together. Anger is a natural and an undeniable outcome and the sooner we deal with it the better. None of us want to be left behind. Now you are there standing alone in a relationship that had two people in it. Feeling angry is common.

On some level, it seems weird to be angry with a phantom. I was angry to be left behind. I vented in the car and used writing to let it out. I wanted my husband to be alive and because he was not here, it angered me. Besides the practical aspects of life, there was a huge gaping hole in my world. Every morning and day, the hole was there looking to be filled. There was no escape from the constant reminders of our life before.

Moving ahead seems hard when you are surrounded by memories and physical reminders of your life together. It feels like you are dragging a massive amount of the past into the present and future.

On the bad days when the shower broke and I could not find an important document of his, I felt my anger rising. It permeated throughout the days ahead. Sometimes, it began in anger, only to be converted into hours of crying.

Anger is part of the grief process. Be patient with yourself.

Guilt is the emotion you have when you do something wrong. It seems ridiculous to have guilt during loss because for the most part you did absolutely everything to support your loved one. However, guilt prevails with grief.

You may feel guilty about anything you failed to do. I spent years feeling guilty because I never made the special cake that I promised to make for my mum before she died. Although I knew on a deep level that the guilt was completely unfounded, it continued.

Guilt features during loss and you have to accept it and let it go. You may worry about not picking up that they were ill, not doing it all right, not being a good enough partner. The list is varied and endless. Second guessing happens constantly and on reflection, you make assumptions. Remember that while you were in the midst of dealing with the situation, everything was consuming. Now when you criticize your actions or lack of them you are not in the same place, emotionally and mentally. You are looking back into the past and we cannot change what has happened.

Try not to let the guilt take over your thoughts. You did your best at the time. Focus on what you did, not what you did not do. No one passes through a loss without having some guilt. Although it is an unrealistic response, it is often unavoidable.

With some deaths, we may have survivor guilt. We are left and they are gone. We question why we are alive and they have died. It seems unfair and may be an uncomfortable realization. I was left with the house, some money, and a good life stretching ahead. He was gone. Be grateful you were able to be part of their life and death. Honor that you gave the best you could at the time, and forgive yourself for any transgressions.

After a death, hindsight may plague you. All the “if only” come up in your mind and it can mess with you. Let those thoughts go. It is done and nothing will change the past. Understanding what occurred cannot change a thing.

Hindsight is a bitch. With hindsight, we understand a situation or event after it has happened. Looking back, it makes sense and we have the light bulb moment. Hindsight is annoying because we wish we had got it before.

Hindsight may make you experience guilt and regret. Use your revelations as a lesson. They are teaching you about life. Once you learn the lesson or gain the understanding, move on. It is easy to get locked into feeling upset once hindsight occurs. In daily life you have the chance to make changes, but after they die you cannot make the same amends.

The best outcome is to accept what happened and learn the lesson for next time. During the passing you were not functioning well and many things may been missed. Be gentle with yourself because you were struggling to get though every day at the time and in the months after they were gone.

Hindsight happens for everyone. Looking back always brings new realizations. However, you did your best under the circumstances. When you wish you had done more, forgive yourself.

Regret is tied in with hindsight. It is a distressing emotion and filled with disappointment and remorse. Many widowed people hold regrets rightly or wrongly.

Perhaps, you feel that you never did enough or you could have done better. It is normal to have such emotions. Forgive yourself.

I regretted that we did not have longer together and how quickly he died. It was terribly sad. Like hindsight, there was nothing I could do. I thought about the trips we could have done, the fact that new grandchildren were arriving and he would not hold them all added to the pile.

Regret haunts all of us. What if you had sent them earlier to the doctor? Why didn’t you spot it before? Maybe you should have done this or that. These recurring thoughts are normal. I tracked back time and time again. I wished it had ended differently. Having travelled down the loss trail several times I was well-equipped with the regret outcome. This time, I made sure I did everything possible to ensure there were no regrets. However, there were.

Your dreams and hopes are dashed with death and you have many regrets. Your love is gone and there is no future with them. Later on, the regrets fade and you begin to be grateful for what you had together.

Regrets are a form of mourning. During the passing, you may regret not doing all you wanted to do. Remember you did the best you could under trying circumstances. It is easy to look back in judgment. It may help to write out your regrets and then leave them to rest. Don’t beat yourself up about the regrets you have. Let them go.

Regret is water under the bridge.

Letting go of negative self-talk is necessary to move on. The past is over and no amount of second guessing change the outcome. Obsessing is common but fruitless. The only healing is to allow the regrets and doubts come to the surface and send them away.

Your love and good intentions are more important. Your intention was pure and you have to forgive yourself.

When the deceased person is difficult, it makes the passing difficult for others, and leaves a lot of damage. There may be countless regrets. Angry, inflexible individuals do not necessarily change when they are dying and become more loving. Many times, they leave a legacy of emotional damage, hurt, and pain.

Many people do have regrets because they are dying and there is time for resolution. However, issues often remain unhealed.

Death is a traumatic event; however, it happens. Rarely is the passing without fallout. Watching the suffering of a loved one is heartbreaking and life-changing. It took my son and me a long time to recover from the traumatic passing. These imprints never completely leave. You learn to live with them and hope they fade over the years. Although the death is only the last sentence in the person’s book of life, its effect on the ones left behind lingers.

Whenever I saw the last hours in the hospital, I let them go. Whenever regrets surfaced, I endeavored to let them go. I focussed on the enormous amount of love I showered on him, my family, and my marriage and saw those actions as healing.

Forgiveness for ourselves and others is the only solution and lightens the sense of regret we may have.