Using the Widow/ Widower and Cancellation Card

The widow card is the card you use when you don’t want to do something. It allows you to decline and not show up. Use the widow card to extricate yourself from stressful or undesirable events. I did not wish to travel and used it. I was not up to a funeral so I did not go.

Being widowed is a daily struggle and some days are definitely better than others. Underneath everything runs a river of unrelenting sorrow. Unless someone has been down this path, they cannot know how it feels. Only you do.

Pull out the widow’s card as often as necessary. Bear no guilt and make no excuses. Grief entitles you to tender, loving care and time out. As you move through the months and years you heal and need the card less and less. However, at the beginning you have to protect yourself and the best person to know how to do this is you.

Maybe you agree to an outing then change your mind. It is fine to chop and change because your emotions are shifting continually. I cried every day for a year and it made normal life difficult. The widow card saved me many times.

I wanted to be like before able to achieve anything I set my heart on. However, the crippling pain and loss knocked me over and I was a shell of myself. Be kind to yourself. You are facing a monumental loss and it will take time to heal.

The more you use the widow’s card, the more others come to realize that you are not a super hero.

Making a cancelling policy is also preventative healing. During the grieving period use the cancellation policy. Make arrangements with the understanding that on a bad day you may cancel. Loss is an up and down experience and takes you by surprise. When you have been a reliable person not being able to function means the old routines need to be altered.

I told my family and friends about my cancelation policy. When I began to work, I informed my clients that I may cancel.

Grief changed me. I was unable to cope like before and I never knew when the difficult days were coming. Having an escape plan allowed me to arrange times with others, while ensuring I kept myself safe. Broken sleep or those nights of no sleep were unpredictable, as were the days of tears.

Unless you have been through loss you do not fully comprehend its impact. Your coping resources are compromised and when the passing took months or years, you are already exhausted.

By telling people you might cancel gives them a reality check. The grief does not go away in a few months after the death. It keeps on going for you. Everyone else is getting on with their lives, while you are facing your new reality every day. The cancelling policy makes others aware of your continued fragility. Yes, you may be better and seem more healed, but underneath lots is still happening.

It is as if the grief is submerged but ever-present.

I rarely cancelled, but it gave me peace of mind to have the choice. It made me more aware of myself and checking in with how I was really feeling. When the event was looming ahead, I had a feeling about going or not and cancelled earlier. Other times, I thought I would not go, but I was fine on the day.

You need to be constantly in touch with your emotional and mental state to make good decisions.

Cancelling is not bailing out. It is taking care of yourself.