Chores

Allow yourself to have some chore free days or even weeks. Grief is a hard and relentless process which exhausts even the strongest person. Stepping back from the chores releases you from the constant number of things to do.

Perhaps you can leave the vacuuming and dusting till next week or close the door on that messy spare room. Giving yourself a break might have a very unusual outcome. I found that after a time-out I seemed to gather more momentum and was able to do much more cleaning afterwards. It was a welcome positive from the break.

You may decide to have a complete break from chores and either ask another person to do them for a while or pay someone to do them. This allows you to rest or concentrate on more pressing matters.

My heart and mind felt in chaos and often, so did my house. I would look at the build-up and not have the energy to tidy up. Letting myself leave it all and not feel guilty gave me time to recover. Instead of working for hours on chores, I broke them into smaller sections and did one or two chores each day. Then when I had my days off there was less to finish.

The chores will always be there however, you are more important. Nothing is more important than surviving the onslaught of issues loss brings to the fore. Be kind to yourself and simply be ‘lazy” on some days.

While you are in emotional chaos life goes on. The fatigue accompanying loss is crippling. Getting a meal on the table becomes insurmountable and hanging out the washing becomes an effort.

Be gentle and kind to yourself regarding this area. You are out of your depth emotionally. Even though a trip to the shop becomes the event for the day you find that you come home without the crucial items. Your mind is a fog.

Buy food online and have it delivered when going out is impossible. List the order of chores and only do the necessary ones. Make a list and put it on the fridge. Every day think about what needs to be done and use the little energy you have to set it in place. Maybe it means taking out a frozen meal and watering a few plants. Other days you can achieve five or six chores. On the good days, try to knock over as many jobs as possible.

Get an outside person to take some of the load, even if it is only for a few weeks or months. My kindly next-door neighbor mowed my front lawn and I really appreciated the gesture.

Grief knocks you off your feet. The high emotional toll plus lack of sleep and total lifestyle upheaval makes you unable to perform as before. Recognize what is possible and important to complete, and leave the rest for tomorrow.

Your emotional and mental health is more important than having a tidy house and well-planned menu for the week. See each activity in small terms. The washing up takes ten to fifteen minutes so do that and then rest. Instead of doing a long run of chores do them over the day and night. It may be strange to be washing floors at midnight, but while you are wide awake it is a fruitful use of time.

Eventually, you master this area and life returns to some kind of normalcy. However, be aware it takes weeks, months, and years to heal from the death of your partner. Be kind and not punishing about dirty dishes in the sink. Your life has changed dramatically and taking good care of yourself is more important than maintaining the status quo.

On the flip side, mindless tasks are healing because for a while you don’t have to think. It is a time out from your woes. Cleaning and sorting are a way of self-soothing. When you are upset and unable to focus these activities may help. The mindlessness is calming and provides a sense of achievement.

The action of cleaning symbolizes cleaning out old emotions. It gets rid of negative energy. Everything around is energy and with every shift, you move ahead. Scrubbing floors and sorting out drawers is productive and another avenue to change the energy.

Sorting out clutter is like putting your life in order and getting rid of the unnecessary. Being upset and not coping is exacerbated by mess. Inner mess reflected in external mess. By being in a clearer space, you feel clearer.

Loss challenges us to the core and you need to clean and sort only in areas that do not upset you. Washing a floor does not compare to washing the clothes of your lost loved one. Be careful to choose neutral cleaning jobs. Likewise sorting out the laundry cupboard is less problematic than the jumper collection of your missing partner. Keep these cleaning and sorting chores for another day.

An added bonus is a tidier environment and then you are not worried by drop in visitors.

After my husband died, I spent days alone and these jobs helped me. I only did them as needed and made no promises to myself to have them done in any order or time. Gradually, my home became easier to live in.

When we perform mindless activities our mind and heart have time to heal. It is like the issues and heartaches go to the back of the mind and this resting time creates a healing outcome. Often, we gain insights and have light bulb moments. Whenever the chores involve water the ability to being “tuned in “increases dramatically.

During loss there is clutter mentally and emotionally. However, when you clear your space, you clear your energy. 

 

Checking out and Doing Nothing

Checking out is a useful strategy. You are going through many emotions and anxieties and detaching into another world works. It is not denial, simply a coping measure.

Checking out means you stay on your own or stop doing the normal activities. Time stands still while you regroup. Perhaps you need weeks of this strategy and other times, a few hours are enough. During these spaces healing occurs on a deeper level. Although you are cleaning the house or absorbed in a trashy television show your heart and mind are readjusting.

There is nothing you can do to escape the passage of grief. The tunnel is long and some days the light at the end is hard to see. Consumed by emotions and fear[WE1]  you may have to stop in order to keep going.

When I checked out eating ice-cream and lying in bed watching movies, I knew it was doing me good. Having a break from the situation and tedium of forms and death certificates recharged me. It does not matter in this place what you do and how often. The important consideration is allowing yourself to be off-duty from your incredibly difficult life.

Checking out from the never-ending grief allows your mind and heart to settle and process the situation. When we are focusing on something else, we recalibrate the future.

Learn to love your checking out times. They strengthen and ground us. Whenever you need factor them in and embrace the respite.

Society is always expecting us to be involved in some activity. Therefore, doing nothing as a tool for healing sounds counter-productive. However, it is a wonderful way to deal with everything. Sitting looking out the window or lying alone in bed gives comfort. When you are on overwhelm, it is like a sanctuary.

After everything that has happened you may be totally spent. The exhaustion of the last months makes you slow and apathetic. Not sleeping properly does not help.

Unlike checking out, no activity is involved with doing nothing. It is like a healing meditation. Let yourself sit in the space until you feel like moving. Never feel lazy or guilty about doing nothing. The body is wise and this is the body resetting itself again.

As time passes, you may need less nothingness time.

Your first family may have encouraged activity all the time and you may feel guilty when resting. Remember that guilt is when you have done something wrong and there nothing wrong with being still and doing nothing. It is a powerful way to process our thoughts and emotions.

Being in the “nothing” space brings you back to yourself and recharges the soul.

---

 [WE1]

 

A Single Lifestyle

After living in a couple situation for over forty years being single again challenged me to the core. Once he was in the hospice, there was a void where our couple life used to be.

Then after the death, you are alone and lost. All of the routines and daily outings are gone. Driving off alone and having to complete the chores is hard. Before you always had someone to talk to and share the day and now there is a void. It takes time to adjust. Perhaps we don’t really adjust, we simply accept it.

Losing your partner creates an empty hole that is not always possible to fill. No one replaces your partner, not your mum or dad, or your kids. You may fill up the hole with seemingly meaningless activities and by being with other people, but the loss of your loved ones is never really filled. Often, I floated through the weeks trying to make sense of it all.

You may avoid walking in your favourite park because it brings up too much emotion or change the channel when a program you both enjoyed comes on. In time, when you are stronger you can revisit these places.

To be independent means you are self-reliant. At the beginning, I was anything but that. I struggled in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Some days seemed everlasting.

However, as I built up my independent life, it became more bearable. The single activities become the new normal and even being with our old friends became easier.

To move on you need to rebuild your life and every time you function as a single person, you reinvent yourself. When you pay the bills or fix the remote control, you assert your independence. These seemingly small achievements allow you to gather your strength and move ahead.

I pined and it was crippling. However, life does go on and every time I did a single activity, I healed a little. Many of us are alone and suffering loss. Instead of looking back, create a new you and try to fill your days with happiness.

Walking through the world after loss feels very strange. All around is the same, but for you everything has changed dramatically. Shopping without your partner and eating alone takes time to get used to.

It is a new life that you do not want. I did not like being single. It was alien and uncomfortable. Some days I could not face driving to the shops and walking around alone. I choose to stay home instead. You know what I mean.

The new lifestyle has a misery attached to it. When you are young and single there is a happiness in your freedom. However, being widowed is nothing like this. Of course, you are free, but it is awful because you do not want to be free. I wanted to be in a loving partnership and the single thing was not appealing.

At the beginning, trying to adapt is hard. As the weeks and months pass being single becomes more the norm. I disliked it, but what could I do. It was my new lifestyle. I stared ahead and saw more of the same life.

Although you may be open to a new relationship, the grieving needs time. During this time your emotions and life are a mess. The person you lost is in your mind constantly and you know there is more alone time until you heal.

I disliked my new life. I did my gratitude list and tried to be positive and happy. However, my heart was hurting and I missed my husband dreadfully. Be kind to yourself. You will not be as happy as before until the cloud of grief shifts which can take months and years. In reality, some people never leave the grief room.

I missed having a companion, I missed being loved and held. I knew until I healed this was my life. Facing that truth takes courage and it is sad. Usually, after a few weeks and definitely several months reality of the constant new lifestyle hits home. I also got tired of being good about it. It had a monotony to me like the same day over and over again. Being single is something you acclimatize to, but it does not sit well.

Eventually, it improves, and you know this is a gateway you cannot avoid. In the future life changes and new people may come into your life. Nothing lasts forever, so hang in there.

Although we always retain our single self, even in a close relationship, being only single is hard. You have lost an entire part of your daily life. Everything is done alone. You sleep alone, wake up alone, and spend countless hours as a solitary being. No one is there as before.

Some single ventures are already familiar. Shopping, your hobbies, and being with certain friends. However, for the most part you are lost in the sea in your forced singleness. Your singleness is not a choice.

Of course, you have good friends, but the proximity of a constant partner is different. There were days I could not face shopping alone again. I wanted to go to the movies but not by myself. Even with practice you may have these days. I knew that I could do it, but I was too depressed and stayed home.

Living as a single person again takes time and effort.

How well you cope depends on where you are emotionally. Some days you seem to fly through it and then without warning, you are thrust back into the struggle. Listen to your inner voice. Cancel outings when emotions are high. The people you are supposed to be seeing are not feeling like you. Staying home is a self-nurturing act, not being weak. Therefore, you must follow your own heart.

Being single brings opportunities, however it challenges us to the core

 

Healing Your Grief

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

Memories flood in day and night. Some are happy and comforting, while others are disturbing and unsettling. After a traumatic passing, the bad memories may come more frequently than the good ones.

Generally, you are suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress. It takes time for the terrible memories to fade. As the weeks and months pass, they become less and their vividness fades. However, there were some awful memories that I continued to have even after time had passed. You may have to accept this sad reality.

As you heal, the good memories return and the funny stories or positive times come into your mind. Grieving is a conflicting experience and the most pressing emotions like sorrow, anger, and fear may cloud you. However, the healing is beginning when you remember your loved one and smile, instead of constantly crying.

Looking at photos has two sides. It makes you long for the past or gives comfort. I found the photos upset me and I kept the albums away until I felt stronger emotionally. You need to decide what is best for you.

Everywhere you go you remember and it is something that is difficult to contain. Before you know you are back there thinking about the last time you did this or that as a couple. I accepted that it was part of the grief process and simply let it go. When the upsetting memories returned, I consciously shut them out. I did not have to revisit everything over and over again. The past was gone and focussing on previous events kept me from living in the present.

You need to decide how you wish to deal with sections of your grief life. Neither way is better than the other. This is your journey, your lost relationship and you make the rules. Others can comment, but they are not standing where you are.

At the beginning, your grief seems like a rocky river. Everything is moving fast and your emotions are heightened. This acute phase lasts for a few months. Then a strange feeling occurs. It is like the surface becomes seemingly calmer, while beneath a raging torrent runs. It is there all the time as you journey through the next stage of loss.

The tears subside somewhat and the agitation settles. However, now your grief is submerged and as life goes on, it appears like you are getting better. This time is deceptive. The dust may be settling, but the deeper emotions of sorrow, loss, fear, and anger manifest in this strange manner.

I could literally feel the subterranean grief. The volume of the emotions was turned down, but they still had power. It was the quietness and dark reality which confronted me. I talked and laughed, but inside I carried a massive amount of hidden grief.

You may experience this phenomenon. It is a weird and silent reminder of the deeper healing. At first you deal with the top emotions and the power of them. Afterwards, the core feelings begin to circulate in you. Often, no one sees them because you appear more like your old self.

After loss, we are always changed. That part of heart that loved them is not the same.

Although it is good you are moving through the process the drawback is that others think you are better. In fact, you may be worse. The pain of loss sits sadly in your being.

I felt a constant misery inside. Of course, I was getting used to my lonely existence and could cope with the changes. However, the undercurrent of sadness was hard to bear. It was like tears had settled in my soul. I kept releasing the emotions, but the blanket of sadness appeared to stay the same.

Being aware of the subterranean grief helped me manoeuvre through the times ahead.

Everyone deals with the loss of a partner differently. However, there are a few usual responses.

Those who cannot face it get lost. It may be for weeks, months, or years. They live in the past and never let go of the person or their longing for them. Although the person has died, they are still in a couple relationship. Many die single and alone.

Some people are very needy and rely on others a lot. In some cases, their family moves in or they go and live with them because they cannot cope. It hits them hard and without aid, they cannot get through it.

Then there are the strong survivors. The pain is as powerful for them, but they seek to be self-reliant and not bother others. They cry in private and appear to be better than they actually are.

Another group never talks about it. They lock the emotions and their past life away. It is as if they were not together. When the subject comes up, they avoid it and change the subject.

Some become clinically depressed and cannot break out of the trauma of loss. Then we may need professional help.

You may experience many of these grief styles during your recovery or only use one. However, while each is individual, they have the terrible and unbearable pain underpinning them. It is simply our different ways to cope with such a life-changing experience.

 

Your Virtual World and Grief Forums

Nowadays we have the mobile phone, texting, messaging, and Skype/Facetime and these devices have helped us to connect instantly.

After your partner dies, you will feel very lonely because the daily connection with your loved one is gone. Instead of constant companionship, you may sit alone morning, afternoon, and evening. Sometimes, the entire night you are awake.

Having people to communicate with makes a huge difference to our emotional health and recovery. Try to speak, text, or Skype/Facetime with someone every day. A well-timed phone call may be the difference between falling into the void and making it through the day.

I made an effort to connect with two to three people on most days. I reached out and sent a text, called them, or emailed a short note. These practices kept me from feeling totally alone. The sadness was still inside of me, but this simple action made every day feel better. I was honest and said I was okay. I did not use the word good or fine because that was untrue. During the time we connected I did not worry about how messy I was. It is best to honest. No one expects you to be on top of it all. However, remember to show genuine interest in their world too. Grief is consuming and remind yourself to show interest in their life as well.

By making connections, your world feels full of family, friends, and love. Often you can be lucky and others make extra connections via phone, text, and messages. These communications help to keep you from feeling so alone. When the message or call comes through you feel instantly loved and appreciated. I know of one loving person who sent a kiss via text every day to her widowed friend. Another called to ask about a recipe, even though she was really calling to reach out. These acts of love give us the strength to make it through.

Make an effort to remain in the real world by using everything at your disposal to be close with those who you love. When it is their time of difficulty, you can repay them.

Without my family and friends, I would not have recovered as quickly and been able to smile as soon as I did. Their loving presence made all the difference, especially on the days I was drowning.

No one can save you, but they can hold you up until you become stronger.

There are countless hours to fill once your live-in partner dies. You go from being in a couple to being completely single. The hours you spent together cannot be shared with your family or friends. The early mornings and evenings till dawn are peak times.

Investing in a virtual life pays dividends. With the net people and sites are available twenty-four hours a day. These connections fill those empty hours. Use forums, messaging, and chat rooms. Build up a new set of people.

Often, we are awake during the night and a little chat soothes the soul. The grief forums are wonderful and any interest you have can be explored.

Using YouTube gives instant connection with people, while we increase our knowledge or enjoy music. Having someone to talk online is like having a real conversation. Another human voice comforts and makes us feel less alone.

The nights are lonely and the void is looking right at you. Having a few family members and friends to ring at night helps enormously. I had several people I could ring and it saved many a bad evening.

Work out who is there for you. Then do your calls at night. Somehow the day is easier to fill, whereas night-time is harder. Try to spread your calls out through the week and on less busy times. I often tried to talk to a few people every week. I also texted during the evening. A well-timed text reply makes the void less daunting.

Some people are happy to chat because they are also alone or single. They are the perfect night call friends. Other people love to talk and are in relationships in which phone calls at night are not a problem.

Family members and our adult sons and daughters are usually more available at night. Save your calls with them during these times.

The nights can seem long and confronting. A loving phone call brings light and love into a sad space. Sharing your day and having a few laughs lightens your grief. After these calls, the night seems shorter and better.

We all need love and connection, especially during the tough times. With loss, you miss the strong connection you had with your loved one. These night connections help.

By joining a grief forum, you belong to a special section of the community. Death of a loved one becomes your connection point. Grief forums allow you to write anonymously and in time, meet people who may become friends. These forums allow open dialogue about the deluge. Simply venting or asking for advice gives special support, especially by talking to others going through the same trials and tribulations. Healing others heals us and by offering love and support back you find a new meaning in your world. Surviving loss takes time and the help along the way moves us through in a place of love and understanding.

Generally, at first you are victim to your circumstance. After the death you are faced with a myriad of issues on a personal and home front. It is overwhelming. You may feel powerless to your changed environment. Although family and friends are doing their best, they do not know how it feels. You may be lucky and know a few people who have gone through a similar process, but you can’t rely on them too much.

In addition, being able to connect twenty-four hours a day allows us freedom to talk and get support. Our family and friends tell us to ring any time. However, most of us would not wake them up at four in the morning because we are upset. This is when an online forum is great. Simply writing on the page lets us express ourselves and connect with another group of people who are awake.

The forum is there for as long as needed. You may stay a relatively short time because life takes on another direction. However, you may be there for years.

Grief it is a lonely path to walk. Therefore, joining a support group is a wonderful idea. At last, we have support and help from people just like us. We connect with others who truly understand how we are feeling and know personally how to respond. It is great to find an avenue of expression because everyone is going down a similar road. No emotions are censored and encouragement and wisdom are given.

I joined several groups for my own healing and to hear issues that arose for others. It was cathartic to read my counterparts experiencing problems that I was encountering. During my time, I met some interesting people and found a new friend. There are lots of people on the net and the reach is large and wide. With all their stories there is always someone in a similar place to you.

I met a great guy in America who had recently lost his wife after four decades of marriage. We clicked immediately and understood each other although being complete strangers. We remain the best of friends years after. It was true blessing for me.

There are many sites and some offer special support chat rooms, especially for Christmas Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. when it more challenging.

Check out the grief forums online and get the extra help you need.

 

Trauma, PTSD and Suicide

Grief is obsessive by nature. Your emotional compass is unbalanced and it causes dysfunction in your thought processes. It takes no time at all to be caught in a loop which runs over and over.

Your internal emotional, mental, and psychological machine is playing constantly during the grief process. After my husband died, I had flashbacks from the last few weeks and months. Whenever I was not concentrating, in they came. I felt swamped by the past. I can’t remember how many times that last day and his actual death jumped into my thoughts. There were the memories and the painful emotions.

When the death or time of loss is traumatic, the imprint is stronger and harder to avoid.

Every time I was reliving it, I tried to let it go. This changed my focus and enabled me to move on. In releasing it, there was acknowledgment and over time, the time between the flashbacks lengthened.

Gradually, by replacing these negative memories your brain is rewired into a positive space. Good and healthy internal thoughts feed you, while distressing or highly emotional ones drain you.

Loss is painful and hard, but you do not have to continue to relive it and experience negative and sad thoughts forever.

Your internal world underpins your outer life and it is good to build a happy platform upon which to live.

Grief creates trauma. The shock of the death leaves emotional, psychological, and mental damage. The memories and flashbacks remain long after the passing. You may be moving well through the process only to be triggered and then the trauma comes to the fore.

The death of my husband was particularly traumatic, especially for my middle son and me. Sadly, he passed away painfully. My others sons and their family missed seeing him before he died and arrived later at the hospital. After months of illness, it was a horrible end. After his passing, my son and I struggled with the flashbacks and emotions connected with the last weeks.

Trauma takes time to resolve. In the beginning, the flashbacks were vivid and unrelenting. After a while they submerged somewhat. However, any small reminder had them rushing to the surface again. I used Emotional Freedom Tapping and release meditation to clear the initial emotional and mental trauma. In addition, every time it began to surface, I replaced it with another thought or memory.

You might carry similar trauma. Being aware of the existence of trauma allows you to face it and then work at diminishing it. Use everything at your disposal to let the trauma go.

Traumatic deaths are especially difficult. Having been with others who died in my presence I was used to the death experience. However, when you are involved with a particularly distressing passing the outcome is completely different. The other people were sedated and simply lay there quietly and slipped away. However, if you endured a painful and fitful passing, it is agonizing. When he eventually passed, it seemed like a relief and the suffering for him was over. Afterwards, my son and I sat there in the hospital room with his dead body for three hours waiting for the rest of the family to arrive from interstate.

Trauma is a usual outcome but very rarely discussed. After some work, my trauma lessened and became more manageable. Whenever I felt it rising, I quickly removed myself from the trigger. There may be layers of trauma buried in your body. Do not beat yourself up when it presents itself unexpectedly. Simply clear it and move on.

There will always be a little shadow of trauma in your soul reminding you of that time. It cannot be fully eased. However, your powerful responses may be alleviated.

Remember that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may become a reality for you after someone dies. I did not realize that I had it until after the first year. Check out the symptoms online and seek help if you think you are experiencing it. It is an undiagnosed outcome for many widowed people.

Suicide is a real issue after loss. There seems to be little point going on without them and in a way, a part of us has died too. However, be very careful if you begin to have suicidal thoughts and try to get help.

Grief changes over time and you will learn to live with it and heal. It is normal to have dark times when the demons come, but understand that it will pass.

My widowed friend often told me he has lost hope and wanted to fall off the perch as he said. However, he came to terms with his loss and lived nearly a decade after his wife passed.

Spiralling down is dangerous, especially if you are alone so ring for help. And our loved ones don’t want us to die. If anything, they want us to live our life out and find some happiness.

Being the one left behind is harder in some ways than being the one who dies. We are left with the grief and emptiness. Be kind to yourself and know that it is a hard road and there will be difficult days, but eventually it becomes easier.

I encourage you to take any suicidal thoughts seriously and reach out to family, friends and professionals to help you navigate your way through. You don’t have to do it alone.

 

 Fear, Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Grief may manifest as fear. It is a scary path to tread alone. I was scared of everything, especially in the beginning. The fear was strong and unrelenting. All of a sudden, I was alone and responsible for everything, as well as the way I was feeling. Fear like this is crippling.

Once you realize that the emotion you are experiencing is fear, then going through is easier. Grief stresses the body and mind and makes you scared. Most fear comes from the daily grind of moving through loss. There is fear attached to being single and not having your rock with you. Fear of being solely responsible for the decisions and the money concerns weighs heavily. Instead of having another close person, you are alone. When you have been in a close shared partnership the fear of being alone is palpable. The longer you have lived as a couple, the more entrenched are the dependency behaviours.

Take a breath and progress slowly. There is always help on hand and you are never truly going solo.

Often the death is a terrifying ordeal and leaves you reeling. Unlike the gentle and orchestrated passing showed on television, some last memories are disturbing. Fear manifests from these traumatic situations.

Be gentle with yourself because although no one talks about the fear, it is definitely a massive obstacle during the first few weeks and months. Initially, I did not understand that I was experiencing it. Grief has many emotions and I had not fully realized that my general uneasiness was simply fear.

You may have fear of living alone, being able to cope, losing your mind, and being able to figure out the chores surrounding the death. In the small hours, you may wake up scared and sick to the stomach. The fear is from the grief. However, once you accept your fears, you can put them to rest.

When I had a fearful time, I went back into survival mode. In the next few hours or days, I utilized my calming down techniques. As time passed the fear lessened, but when I was triggered, it came back in full force. Calming herbs, medication, deep breathing, and release work help. On the bad days, don’t attempt anything. Rest and do nurturing activities. Once the fear abates you can catch up with what needs to be done.

Never underestimate the effects of fear. It is crippling. However, know that you are capable of moving past it and coming into a calmer place.

Loss is a fearful and unknown territory and challenges your existence. Waking up with anxiety and nausea it usual. The feeling is horrible and may last for days. The anxiety and nausea may begin during the dying process and continue after the death. When you have these emotions, they usually connect into a worrying part of the death process. You know that you are being foolish and overreacting. However, these emotions are difficult to harness.

The worse times are when you are alone, pm and am. The lack of distraction and other people promote anxious thoughts and sickening feelings.

Grief is like being on a terrifying wave never knowing when or if you are going to crash. It rocks your soul to the core.

There are helpful drugs to alleviate these emotions and you can use them when it seems appropriate. Herbs, meditation, and Emotional Freedom Tapping may also lessen it. By managing these seemingly irrational emotions, you may feel calmer. Use what works for you.

You may experience your first panic attack while you are going through the grief journey. The feelings of loss make you fearful and anxious. Your entire world is crumbling before your eyes and everything is making you nervous.

Panic attacks start quickly and the trembling, sweating, nausea, pounding heart, feeling detached, shortness of breath, tingling sensations and dizziness are a few of the symptoms. They may last for a few seconds or hours. It is a surreal and scary experience.

When we are threatened, the body goes into fight or flight. These sensations are not under our control. However, once we understand what is happening, then we can find ways to cope.

Previously, I was unaware that loss triggers panic attacks. Although I knew about them and had dealt with them in my past, I was unprepared for them now. However, once I recognized how I was responding I could relate it to the grief. The smallest problem could set me off and some days it took ages to settle down. The higher my level of loss that day, the more vulnerable I became. Lack of sleep and constant worry and anxiety precipitated many attacks.

Breathing and slowing down helps. Taking time out from the trigger gives you time to rest and regroup. When I thought something might begin an attack, I walked away or refused to do the task. One of my sons asked me to collect a doctor’s letter concerning my husband’s death. While I was on the phone, without warning the nausea rose in my stomach and I felt physically sick. I said I would collect the letter and finished the phone call. Immediately afterwards, I realized that I was heading towards a panic attack. Straightaway, I rang back and told him I could not do it. Afterwards, I began to calm down. All the flashbacks of the passing continued for the next day, but by stopping myself from going back to the doctor’s rooms it stopped another panic attack.

It is not a sign of weakness to have panic attacks. Loss is the hardest and most gruelling life journey you can have. Take care of yourself and as soon as you see the signs step back and regroup. The world will cope without you and it is a self-nurturing action. Unless you have walked this sad and shaky path you cannot comprehend the way it changes the foundation of your life.

Being a Mess during Grief

 

Shock, Numbness and Denial

At the start, Nature protects us and we may go into a temporary shutdown. There is more shock factor when the person dies unexpectedly, but regardless of the ending, it is hard to avoid the numbness and feeling of shock. I felt as if I was walking through a nightmare. I would wake in the morning and within a few seconds, the death would hit me. In a strange way, I seemed to be in it, while also observing everything around me.

Shock from the first terrible diagnosis till the passing may last for weeks and months. At the start, it was one shock wave after another. I was bombarded by the awful news of his terminal illness and then my change in circumstance.

Be aware that shock exhibits in strange forms. The shock may feel like a thunderbolt and morph into constant walls hitting you. Even after several months you may experience the shock waves again. They creep in and knock you over. Some days feel  like you are in a detached fog of disbelief. Slowly, the attacks lessen, however when they come know it is a sign of the enormous grief you are suffering.

Shock feels like being out of your body. Everything is happening around you and yet you keep waiting to wake up and find out it is a dream. Shock is particularly hard on the psyche. The body, nervous system, emotional body, and mind are seriously affected. Ask for help from others and cushion yourself and family as much as possible. Support, sleep, and good food strengthen you as you work your way through it.

Other people who knew your loved one will also be shocked. Be careful not to take on their reaction. In time, everyone comes to terms with death. Life moves on and the physical reality of their absence cannot be denied.

Nurture yourself and use whatever works. Medication, herbs, body work, and supportive people.

Numbness is different to shock. It is a form of lockdown. During periods in our life, we may experience numbness. It protects us from facing the truth. When I first had it, I was confused. All around me was falling apart and I could not feel anything. Numbness may last for a few days to years. The body always seeks to protect itself and it does so by shutting down.

There is no moving forward with numbness. You have to wait till it subsides. When you are used to being in touch with your feelings, it is strange to have no emotions.

Mother Nature shuts us down emotionally when we are super stressed. The numbness is an emotional aesthesia until we can handle the reality.

Numbness is normal during loss. The overload is too much to bear and when you are able you come out to face life and deal with your feelings. Everyone manages numbness in their way. Be patient with yourself.

Numbness is similar to denial. You deny what is too much to absorb or feel. As your strength increases and your equilibrium restores, the numbness slowly lifts. It is the emotional first-aid we give to ourselves in times of great emotional turmoil.

There are layers of denial during the loss and the aftermath. Denial serves to protect us. Nature has a wonderful way of keeping us safe. The first denial is the diagnosis. When I was told I shut down. I remember feeling like I was in a nightmare. I heard the words of the doctor and was totally shattered.

The next denial is facing where you are heading. You wake up during the night and in the morning only to remember the truth. Not wanting to accept or go through the process is normal. However, as the truth sinks in, you gradually come out of denial. Some people cannot accept the inevitable and try fruitlessly to save the dying person. They may blame the doctors, nurses, and hospital, but eventually they are forced out of denial.

Sometimes, family may blame the person for getting ill and that is a form of their denial and blame shifting.

We are mortal creatures and everyone dies. When your time is up, nothing will save you.

Denial may precede reconciliation. As the denial lessens, it allows unfinished business between the person who is alive and the one dying to be sorted out. During a passing, much healing and reconciliation is possible. However, when either party refuse to make their peace or heal the past, the issues remain. Then both parties have to deal with the two losses, the physical loss and the loss of reconciliation.

Anxiety and Fear from Grief

 

 

Celebrations, Holidays, Traditions and Social Events

Celebrations are confronting during loss. Somehow, the contradiction with the happiness of the event and immense sadness of your loss makes having to be part of it conflicting. Celebrations may be general or specific. It does not matter because for you trying to manoeuvre through them is the trick.

In the first year after he died, I had several pivotal events. They included multiple family birthdays, Christmas, and New Year. I barely scraped through them as it was only a couple of months after his death. On Christmas Day, I sobbed from lunchtime until I feel asleep in the early hours. The first occasions are harder than you think.

Shield yourself as much as possible. The time for putting others first is gone. You are the one trying to find a way to function. Go to the celebrations when you want, but use the cancellation policy when necessary.

You can choose not to attend at any time. Stay home, eat ice-cream, and watch television. Not going one year makes no difference long term. Next year you will be stronger and more able to deal with happy celebrations. In the first few years, I cancelled Christmas in my house. No Christmas tree, no decorations and I stayed home on the day. It was my way of getting through an arduous time. Before the house was brimming with Christmas paraphilia. For me, it was a wise decision. I was not reminded weeks before of being alone again this year. After Christmas, I did not have to cry my way through packing up the tree and decorations.

We are grieving and can makes new rules and boundaries to keep ourselves stable. In time, we will return to ourselves. It will be a different self but a more compassionate and capable one.

Holiday times are challenging and may increase your sense of loneliness. Try to connect with others during these times. Previously, we probably enjoyed these breaks from normal life. Now they can be lonely and empty.

Before the holiday comes try to organize some outings to meet your family and friends. You may feel like everyone is occupied, but this is not always the case. On public holidays visit others or invite people over. During longer holidays periods go out to the shops and catch up with others. When you are able to go away for a change.

The holidays will also bring up past memories of holidays you shared together. All of a sudden you are remembering the last Easter together or the trip to the South Seas. Once the memories come flooding in it complicates the process. Be grateful you had these holidays and see them as a gift you continue to hold in your heart.

Like celebrations, holidays have a high degree of difficulty and being alone may compound this.

At the beginning, family events may be horrible. The missing person feels as large as life, even though they have gone. The empty chair, the empty place at the table, and the huge hole they leave. Family events may trigger you enormously.

Life does go on and you cannot avoid them for long. However, while you are struggling through the myriads of emotions and adjustments shield yourself from too much. The family events continue, regardless of your presence or not.

I felt disappointed because I could not bring myself to attend a few events. I wanted to come from the pleaser perspective, but personally I just could not handle it. There is guilt when you step away, but you are not doing anything wrong. No one else is going through the nightmare that you face every hour, day after day.

Do not be pressured and learn to say no. When you acquiesce, it only brings stress on you. Use the widow/widower card and cancel. Who cares what they think, they are not dealing with the loss like you are.

Losing a life partner is profoundly sad and terrifying. This massive change takes time to come to terms with and forcing yourself too soon may be detrimental to your recovery.

You will know when you are ready to face the family events. Then have the cancellation policy in place before you commit. I am glad I stepped back and was honest with myself and my family. I was incapable of doing what I had done before as a couple and that was okay. My life had been shattered and in a sad way, so had I.

In time, you heal and get stronger. It will not be like this forever. However, while you are hurting listen to your inner voice and look after yourself. The intuitive members of your family will give you the time and space needed. Those who cannot quite grasp it are made aware of your fragile state and that is good too.

Traditions may undo you during the first years. When you have spent years or decades going through your life with traditions, they will bring everything up. There are some which you may be able to wing your way through. However, never underestimate the power of loss.

It is fine to change your old traditions until you are fully recovered. This decision will not be forever and can give you respite. There may be comfort in the old patterns, but they can also spoil your day. When time has passed, your ability to weather them will be better. Your family is also going through a grieving time and they may want to alter the family traditions too.

There are many years ahead and a couple of missed years does not matter. Although it appears like opting out, you will be grateful with your decision. In the first years, I could not bear to do Christmas and New Year as before, so I changed it. No decorations, no tree, and no pudding. The days came and went and life went on. Not having to hold onto the old ways gave me a breather.

On my birthday and Christmas, I bought myself a gift to open on the day.

Later on, it becomes easier to fulfil the old traditions, but the first few years are very difficult and by making another choice eases the pain.

The Loneliness of Grief

 

Using the Widow/ Widower and Cancellation Card

The widow card is the card you use when you don’t want to do something. It allows you to decline and not show up. Use the widow card to extricate yourself from stressful or undesirable events. I did not wish to travel and used it. I was not up to a funeral so I did not go.

Being widowed is a daily struggle and some days are definitely better than others. Underneath everything runs a river of unrelenting sorrow. Unless someone has been down this path, they cannot know how it feels. Only you do.

Pull out the widow’s card as often as necessary. Bear no guilt and make no excuses. Grief entitles you to tender, loving care and time out. As you move through the months and years you heal and need the card less and less. However, at the beginning you have to protect yourself and the best person to know how to do this is you.

Maybe you agree to an outing then change your mind. It is fine to chop and change because your emotions are shifting continually. I cried every day for a year and it made normal life difficult. The widow card saved me many times.

I wanted to be like before able to achieve anything I set my heart on. However, the crippling pain and loss knocked me over and I was a shell of myself. Be kind to yourself. You are facing a monumental loss and it will take time to heal.

The more you use the widow’s card, the more others come to realize that you are not a super hero.

Making a cancelling policy is also preventative healing. During the grieving period use the cancellation policy. Make arrangements with the understanding that on a bad day you may cancel. Loss is an up and down experience and takes you by surprise. When you have been a reliable person not being able to function means the old routines need to be altered.

I told my family and friends about my cancelation policy. When I began to work, I informed my clients that I may cancel.

Grief changed me. I was unable to cope like before and I never knew when the difficult days were coming. Having an escape plan allowed me to arrange times with others, while ensuring I kept myself safe. Broken sleep or those nights of no sleep were unpredictable, as were the days of tears.

Unless you have been through loss you do not fully comprehend its impact. Your coping resources are compromised and when the passing took months or years, you are already exhausted.

By telling people you might cancel gives them a reality check. The grief does not go away in a few months after the death. It keeps on going for you. Everyone else is getting on with their lives, while you are facing your new reality every day. The cancelling policy makes others aware of your continued fragility. Yes, you may be better and seem more healed, but underneath lots is still happening.

It is as if the grief is submerged but ever-present.

I rarely cancelled, but it gave me peace of mind to have the choice. It made me more aware of myself and checking in with how I was really feeling. When the event was looming ahead, I had a feeling about going or not and cancelled earlier. Other times, I thought I would not go, but I was fine on the day.

You need to be constantly in touch with your emotional and mental state to make good decisions.

Cancelling is not bailing out. It is taking care of yourself.

 

Your Wants and Needs

Wanting means you wish or desire something. The experience of loss creates a lot of wants. You want the pain to end. You want the tears to end. You want your loved one back. You want the life from before. However, none of these wishes can be fulfilled during the grief process. The time passes and nothing much alters in your reality.

Wants often involve others. You want other to understand what is happening to you. In truth, unless they have experienced a similar loss, they cannot truly understand. Stop wanting this level of understanding from others because it is unrealistic.

I found that wanting was a useless practice. It was better to meet my own wants. There was no point being disappointed by my idealistic expectations. It simply added to my sense of unhappiness.

Recognizing what you want and how to get it is part of your healing. By meeting your wants, you are strengthened and receiving help keeps you open. Another widow or widower completely understands your plight. Therefore, joining a grief support group online or one in your vicinity is a wise decision.

In my experience, there were a few wonderful individuals who instinctively read my unspoken wants and were willing and happy to help in any way. They supported me along the lonely path and were never far away. However, during my bereavement I knew I had to step up and become more self-reliant.

During loss, you have certain needs. Needs are essential or important and differ from wants. Some needs others can help us fill, however there are needs others cannot fill. There is much happening emotionally and trying to meet your own needs first is a good decision. The truth is that although you wish for help, it is often not forthcoming. Learning to be self-reliant is a better decision.

At first, I believed everyone when they offered assistance. However, the reality was disappointing. Words are easy to utter. Turning up and being there is another situation. When family lets you down, the impact is greater. Normally, each family member has their own way of grieving and avoidance and denial are common. Sadly, you may be part of their avoidance.

After a few letdowns, I decided to meet my own needs. It was a personal growth lesson. I made a list on my needs and tried to give them to myself.

Emotional support is a massive need. The need for love and connection are a strong after loss. Your loved one gave it to you and now your world is empty. Connect often with open and loving souls. Invest less in ones who leave you alone. No good knocking on a door that does not open. Meeting this need can be done. Fill yourself with love, courage and strength. Seek comfort from kind family and friends. A friendly phone call or well-timed text helps. On bad days, soothe yourself.

Physical needs are not as easy to fix. You can do the chores alone or enlist others. By doing it yourself you increase your skills set. However, there is always someone you can ask or pay to mend or move things.

As humans we all crave touch. The physical needs like hugs, kisses, touch, and sex are harder to fill. The first few are doable, while the sexual area may remain a void. Getting a massage or doing a self-massage gives you touch and that is good.

Human needs are varied. However, through the grief process love and connection, emotional support, and physical help are our main needs. Many of them I filled by myself. However, whenever support was offered, I accepted it.

 

Victim and Survivor

There is a victim and survivor response to grief. You may switch from one to the other. However, long-term you choose to become a victim or a survivor.

Survivors continue to deal with past, while living in the present and future. Survivors want to heal, whereas victims want to remain in pain. It is normal to fluctuate in the beginning from victim to survivor. On the grief forums, I noticed that some people stayed in the victim space for decades. They lived in the past and could not be in their present world and be happy.

The person who is left behind always suffers the most emotionally. Although the loved one may have died in pain and fear when you are the surviving partner, the death is a pain that is unbearable. In truth, everyone knows that in a committed relationship one of you is going to pay the price.

How you handle it says a lot about your view of life. Survivors tend to have a fighting spirit and seek solutions. Victims get stuck and find problems to every solution.

Don’t stress about feeling victim like. Loss is a tough road to travel and stumbling into the victim hole is usual. However, staying there is a choice. I allowed myself some pity me time and then got back to working on myself. It was empowering to move from victim to survivor. Of course, I was a bit bruised and battered, but I was not going to let this make me into a victim forever.

Loss teaches you how difficult life can be. However, on a positive note, you become more compassionate towards yourself and others. In retrospect, I marvel at others who have navigated through the years of loss.

No matter how bad the pain, you will survive. After months of grief Ground Hog Day, you want it to disappear. The underlying emotions spoil every day, and it is human to wish the pain to go.

However, grief is ever-present. All the faking and trying to keep positive, mask the true misery. You need to hold on to hope and do whatever makes you happy, but do not think you fail because the feelings remain as raw as before.

Although you can’t have the past back, being stuck in this terrible space takes adjustment. At first, I thought I could pass through the valley of death and feel better. My idea of feeling better meant being happy again. This was not reality. It took time to accept my unhappy space and try to move ahead. Every week seemed like a rerun of the last week. Seemingly good days were when I only cried once and bad days when the crying did not stop for hours.

Lowering expectations helps. Be realistic and ride the storm. Eventually, the pain and misery morph and you get more used to it. Your ability to survive increases and you learn to live with it.

Keep looking to the future. The misery and pain will lessen as you move ahead and accept your new life.

Grief brings many lessons and strengthens us, even when we feel at our weakest.

 

Baby steps

After the passing, begin slowly and don’t make unrealistic expectations. Not only are you moving on, you are healing as well. Healing works in bursts and therefore, you may feel at times at a loss. Be patient as this will pass.

Most of us want to head out of the painful places quickly. However, the pain and hurt need to be dealt with and felt. You will hit troughs along the way. Often, you think it is over only to find another massive section surfacing. Keep calm and remember, baby steps.

It is wiser to nurture yourself and take as long as you need. Otherwise in your rush to have it over and done with, you may be forced to backtrack.

We may have family and friends who are aware of our fragility but not everyone will be. Take the time you need and stop trying to be what others want you to be. In a sense, you are emotionally crippled and not able to be as you were.

Mostly, we come through these awful situations stronger and wiser but not when we overstep our threshold. I was a mess. I cried a million tears and was never sure when the tears were about to flood. While I was coping with my mixed emotions, I found that trying to be normal added another level of difficulty. I worked out that staying home and doing my own thing was easier.

People normally want what is best for others, but we usually advise through our own filters. What is healing for one is not healing for another. My time alone was lonely and sad. However, it let me move through my emotions and experience the wide range of feelings that grief brings up. Being by myself let me be with my emotions with no outside pressure. When I needed help, I asked. My friends sent me encouraging, loving messages. Others came to my house and gave me company. Some sent flowers and small treats.

I choose to limit my work load and used the days to work on getting better.

After the death, you will be devastated. It may be the worst time in your adult life. It is like being knocked over and your head is spinning. Step ahead slowly and stop when you have to.

Some days even everyday tasks are hard and you have to push yourself to complete them. While keeping in structure and regaining our old life brings stability, take it slowly.

Remember, baby steps.

 

Time warp

Loss has a strange effect on time. Some hours seem like days. Some weeks are everlasting. Your concept of time is altered. There are times when you think the day will never end. It seems to be frozen and every time you checked the clock, it has hardly moved. The time warp is inconsistent and unpredictable. You awake at ten in the morning and think that the rest of the day is shortened, only to be faced with the never-ending afternoon and night. On the bad days, it is awful.

Some events and special days like their birthday or an anniversary take ages to arrive. The weeks before seem prolonged and arduous. Everything is in slow motion.

Then you skip through a couple of days and think how fast they went. Gradually, time sorts itself out, but in the beginning, it is unpredictable. Eventually, I settled with this time discrepancy and succumbed to it. Bingeing on serials or doing some mindless chores filled in the hours. Ringing a friend or reading made the process easier. As a last resort, going to bed early shortened the day and the pain.

At the start, the weeks seemed like months and while the world quickens, yours slows considerably. Perhaps being in constant emotional pain and turmoil adds to the time warp. It’s like wanting to be out of this terrible time and not being able to do anything to stop it.

The disconnection you feel adds to the time warp. Part of you is back there trying to process the loss, while the other part is grappling with the now. Not feeling present is normal.

Another strange aspect of time confusion is the sameness of each day. You awake to face the same emotional void. The person is gone and you are left alone. The repetitive Groundhog Day is like doing time. Instead of movement, you are stuck in the same emotions, day after day. Of course, you know it is one day later or one month on, but it seems like the same situation physically, emotionally, and mentally.

 

Lonely and Missing You

I missed my husband dreadfully. It was like a deep ache in my body and soul. Nothing I did took it away and I came to accept that it was part of the grief I was feeling.

I missed him morning, noon and night. Some days were terrible as I sunk down with the realization that he was gone. You know what I mean. My head knew he had died, but my heart could not process it. The feeling in my heart was painful and heavy.

I was lonely for him and our life together as a couple. The loneliness is the greatest hurdle after loss. There is the loneliness when you are alone and another loneliness when you are pining. After loss, pining is a good description for how you feel. You want your loved one and your life back. Even though they have left, the love you feel has not gone. You look out at your new life and there are empty spaces everywhere. It is depressing and life feels foreign.

Over the months, I became more used to the hours alone. Instead of being with another person every day, my world became more of an inner world. The early morning and nights were the worse. During these times, I planned activities and rang friends. I was grateful for those who rang or made time to meet me. Although they were not my partner, it was good to see others. In the process, I learned how to arrive alone and leave alone to various places and events. I often cried on the way there and on the way home. I had been in a marriage where we had spent lots of time together and the change in my lifestyle took some adjusting.

When you feel lonely try to connect to others. Leave the house and visit family and friends. On the empty days, go shopping and speak to others you meet or who serve you. Being single takes practice and your first attempts at sitting alone in coffee shops or the movies are challenging and weird. However, the more you do, the easier it becomes. I had several times on outings when my tears welled up and I found the loneliness excruciating. As time passed, I became better as I put on a smile and tried to make the most of it.

Accepting it helps. Acknowledge you are alone and lonely. Become your best friend and sometimes, only friend. This shift of consciousness is slow and painful. Some days you will do well and then struggle on other days.

It feels less lonely being occupied. I wrote a list of activities to do that I used to enjoy. I made a list of chores and households jobs needing completion. On the lost days, I checked the list and mechanically did some of the activities. The time passed more quickly and at least, I achieved something. Although some jobs are mindless, they helped me move ahead. By shifting everything physically, we also make an energetic shift.

Trouble Coping

 

Soon after they pass is not a good time to make any major decisions. Emotions are raw and you are not yourself. The grief propels you into unknown territory. Try to do what has to be done and leave challenging issues for later. Your family and friends see your wobbly antennae, even when you think you are fine. So, listen to those who love you and have your best interests at heart. There were weeks when I thought I was doing well, only to have my sons say otherwise. Consequently, I took notice of their counsel.

Many people give advice, but beware of blindly listening and acting upon it. Sometimes, others have their own agenda or voice opinions through their own filter. Those who use travel or a big night of bingeing to comfort themselves may offer these as solutions. What is a solution for one person is a terrible idea for someone else.

Your moods may go up and down, and when you lack sleep, everything is worse. On those days, lessen your stress by checking out of daily commitments. Retreating allows you to rebalance. On the continuous crying days, do not venture out to the shops, ignore the mobile and do not answer the door.

At the beginning, I wobbled around unexpectedly and felt embarrassed in public places. Eventually, I stabilized, but it seemed to be hit and miss. Read the signs and ask a close family member or friend when another opinion is needed.

Wanting to be fine is not the same as being fine.

You may also be trying to use damage control to get you through the process. Damage control is trying to make the best of a bad situation. It manifests when we distract ourselves, ring a friend, go to bed early, or bury ourselves in a book. In these situations, mitigating the damage helps to work through the pain. It is like time-out from your world and provides a little relief. The same emotions are running underneath, but you go into another world for a while. Temporarily, I found it is a useful strategy. Loss creates massive emotional damage and damage control becomes a form of mindfulness.

Everyone going through grief endeavors to minimize the pain. When you are about to cry on the bus, you try to focus on another less sad thought. You minimize telling your family how terrible your week was, or put on a brave face during a social outing. Sometimes, you manage to soldier through and lessen the tears, but not always. Damage control may work brilliantly, and then fail dismally.

Like me, you may find that happy events trigger you more. Family events bring to the fore the fact that your partner is not there to share this moment with all of you. The empty chair is hard to bear. It is a silent, deep sadness inside of your heart. On happy occasions, you do not want to be the wet blanket sobbing in the corner. In situations when I was beginning to meltdown, I simply excused myself and had a big cry out of sight.

Often, people will use [WE1] distraction to stem your tide of grief because they don’t or can’t deal with it. They change the subject, make jokes, and steer away from the obvious. I was usually aware of this tactic and tried to hold back my feelings. But emotions have a habit of spilling out, regardless.

During my grieving time, I tried to shut down my emotions to make it easier for others. However, it was stressful being in such social situations. I never knew when the tears would well up and take over. Once I began to cry, it was hard to stop it. Staying home on the vulnerable days and not being with the shutdown people was simpler than going and trying to hold back the tide.

With more compassionate and kind people, I felt like I could be myself and these connections were more freeing and safe. When my tears came out, it became a natural part of the visit, and I felt less stressed.

Don’t be surprised when you experience forgetfulness. After loss, you may lose the ability to remember people’s names, use the wrong words, can’t remember the word and generally, sound like an idiot. It happens to nearly all of us. It is as if a part of your mind is lost and cannot find itself again. I called people the wrong names, got lost mid-sentence, and forgot what I was talking about. I had trouble remembering times, and doing what I was supposed to.

The stress of grief confounds your brain. There is a sense of being disconnected to situations and people. The emotional strain overtakes reason. The shock of the death and the tumultuous change in your life, plus the added fatigue and mixed emotions, make it worse.

Others noticed my disconnection and warned me to take care. I was discouraged from driving the car on my bad days and from making any big decisions. Listen when your family and friends bring your behaviour into question. To them, you may look somewhat startled and wired. My sons alerted me during the times I was like this and guided me through when it happened.

Basically, you are not yourself and do not appear present. Listen to others and do not let stubbornness and pride override the situation. The shock of loss manifests in many strange ways and this one is important because you are not functioning in the normal range. Slow down when it happens and recalculate as your GPS says. Although I felt frustrated, not everyone noticed my mistakes. I simply renamed the person, began the sentence again, and asked for the question to be repeated.

Being on overdrive after the death causes this temporary, yet annoying state. The mind is processing so much it is like you cannot focus as before. Do not think it is dementia or that you are losing your mind. It is simply a result of the pressure being placed on you.

When we are going through a difficult period, our body talks. Some mornings we may wake up feeling sick. It is not usual illness like a cold or virus, just feeling unwell. This sensation is strong and may last for days. It is usual to get ill especially in the first eighteen months after we lose our partner.

Loss rattles us to the core and it is not surprising becoming sick happens during the process. Many people catch the flu, have more infections and generally suffer more health problems. The body is stressed during the grief process and we are more vulnerable.

Visit the doctor if you need to and use medicine or herbs to get well. Stress does strange things to the body and mind and losing your loved one is probably one of the biggest stresses that we endure.

Taking a good vitamin pill, eating well and getting lots of sleep are wise choices. Grief is a complex experience and all you can do is to soothe and nurture yourself.

As you move through the months, the weird illnesses and maladies lessen and your health improves. Often, I had a feeling that my migraine or upset digestion were rooted in the grief. It is not unusual to have strange stomach pains or skin rashes. A chronic health problem may flare up for a while and then go as we heal.

In general, the way we feel impacts upon our health negatively especially during the first stages of grief. Understand that you are sick from the upheaval in your life emotionally, mentally and psychologically which then manifests as health issues. The sick days lessen as you move through the months.

As you calm down and begin the healing process, it passes and eventually, you have days of clarity and stop calling your son by the dog’s name. Time is all it takes.

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