Abandonment, Rejection, Neglect and Wallowing
Although you know the lost loved one has not abandoned you,
it feels like they have. It is totally irrational response and yet you feel it.
They are gone and you are left alone and bereft. There is sadness, loss, and
anger.
Being abandoned taps into our little child. The fear and
anxiety rise up and you are like a small, frightened child. When my husband
died, I was devastated and lost. I felt alone and left behind.
On many levels, you are left here to fend for yourself and
deal with the collateral damage. Uncertainty about your future and the feeling
of devastation add to the stress. The truth is that the one left behind suffers
in unimaginable ways. It is an hourly battle, especially at the beginning.
No matter how much time you have to get prepared when the
person dies you discover how totally unprepared you are emotionally, mentally,
and spiritually. Nothing prepares you for loss of this magnitude.
We may have yelled and screamed at the one who has gone and
begged them to come back. It is a desperate time. However, the wailing and
crying never brings them back to us. Loss is heartbreaking and seems
never-ending.
However, as you grow and begin to cope with being alone the
abandonment feeling diminishes.
Unless you go through the loss of a partner, you can’t
understand how it really feels. Forgive people for seeming to reject you. It is
not rejection but their inability to know how to handle the situation.
Sometimes they step back when you need them to step forward.
This reaction is normal. Do not read anything sinister into it. You are wearing
a wobbly antenna now and your judgement may be impaired. Accept the love and
help from those kind souls who are there for you. Accept the behaviour of those
souls who can’t or don’t know how to be there.
Although it feels like rejection keep in mind that you are
emotionally very sensitive.
As a single person you are different. Without your partner
the whole relationship with others changes. Some of us to adapt quickly and the
transition is easy, while others take time to get used to it. The feeling of
being rejected has more to do with their response to the grief than of you.
Embrace the nurturing ones and try not to focus on the
others. Not everyone in your group of family and friends can be there. Although
you are overwhelmed and need them, they are struggling too with the death.
I had a lightbulb moment with people. I began to see them as
they truly were. I realized that narcissistic and selfish individuals did not
care about how I felt. It was not personal. They never care about anyone except
themselves. You are not alone with these individuals because everyone is
treated in the same unloving manner.
During loss it is a hard reality to face. It might be the
first time in your relationship with them that you were the one in need. When
the light bulb came on it was disappointing. However, unconditional love teaches
us to accept others and their flaws. Let them go and live their lives and
remember not to depend on them. Their words are merely words. Ask someone who
is unselfish and shows love and support through actions. Selfish individuals
are not bad people. However, they do hurt others due to their self-absorption
and lack of empathy.
The grief process highlights many parts of your life and the
light shines on areas you may not have seen before.
The one common issue you may suffer is emotional neglect,
perceived or real. Grief creates a chasm emotionally and locks you into a
prison of sadness. In these situations, you may feel emotionally neglected by
others. It is obvious to you that Christmas, birthdays, New Year, and
anniversaries are a nightmare emotionally. However, unless you are fortunate
and have a few good people around, you can be neglected during these pivotal
times.
Try not take it personally. Empaths or widows and widowers
are aware, while self-absorbed people cannot see past their own needs and
wants.
On the days you felt neglected nurture yourself and ring a
supportive friend. Instead of focusing on the empty hole left by neglect, fill
it with self-soothing activities.
During the loss, many family members are unable to process
their own emotions, let alone support another. It is natural to lean towards
family, however asking someone who is drowning to give help may be fruitless.
In addition, denial
is a strong component with people who are emotionally neglectful.
Everyone works through loss in their way and time. It is not unusual for others
to shelve the whole situation and face it years later. It seems that the
further out from the loss, the easier it becomes to avoid.
The widow or widower is living the reality every hour
whether they want to or not. There is nowhere to hide. However, sons and
daughters are often removed from the family home and have already left the
nest. Disconnection makes avoidance more likely.
Although you feel emotionally neglected, try not to take it
personally. Being angry when you are neglected is normal. Still, try to see the
bigger picture and not punish them. Forgive them and move on. I decided to
detach from those who were neglectful. I sent them love and let go of my
expectations.
Wallowing is allowing expression of your deepest and darkest emotions.
Wallowing is not always avoidable. Trying to keep positive is admirable, but grief
consumes everything. Although wallowing has negative connotations, it is a
natural outcome. Allowing your emotions to be felt and expressed is healthy.
Loss is a particularly deep and life-changing event. The
losses are not only the obvious ones. You lose a life shared together. Your
entire world is different. The past is lost, but so is your future as you saw
it. The person you wanted to be with today and tomorrow is not there. The
loneliness is heartbreaking.
There is some research which indicates wallowing gives us
time out from having to cope. By crying and having a prolonged meltdown, you
let go of the stress created by the grief situation. I wallowed for hours and
sometimes, for days. The heavy sadness weighed me down and took time to
release. Of course, I tried to let my feelings go, but the painful emotions
were undeniably powerful. Emotions spill out and run into every part of your
soul. You hurt everywhere and it is dreadful. The terrible pain comes up into
your throat and pours out. Try to see wallowing as a vehicle in which
everything pours out.
Wallowing is honestly how you feel. Never judge or blame
yourself for wallowing. The only way through grief is feeling it as it comes to
the fore. I wallowed and let it all come out. Resist the temptation to shut
down the experience because it is a powerful way to release your deepest emotions.
Wallowing may be done around others, however mostly it is done in private.
