Music 

I used music like medicine and played sad songs, angry songs, and soul music. Music is a powerful form of healing. When I was terribly upset, I played the same song on repeat. Somehow, the music calmed me down. Often, I played it loudly and sang along.

Music is a powerful trigger in loss. Grief is a private experience and everyone has their memorable pieces of music. There were also our songs which made me cry as I heard them. The music you shared is harder to hear at the beginning. I remembered when we danced or listened to it together.

Music is a visual memory box of our lives. Old memories are rekindled as you play certain music. Be ready to face the emotions that surface. On the vulnerable days, I used music because it resonated with how I was feeling. However, on other fragile days I avoided certain music for the same reason.

On the bad days, I used calming music like 423 hertz or Tibetan bells. It settled my heart. This music is useful on the days you wake feeling sick and nauseous.

Music affects our heart and expresses what we have no words to express. Use it as part of your healing journey.

 

Chores

Allow yourself to have some chore free days or even weeks. Grief is a hard and relentless process which exhausts even the strongest person. Stepping back from the chores releases you from the constant number of things to do.

Perhaps you can leave the vacuuming and dusting till next week or close the door on that messy spare room. Giving yourself a break might have a very unusual outcome. I found that after a time-out I seemed to gather more momentum and was able to do much more cleaning afterwards. It was a welcome positive from the break.

You may decide to have a complete break from chores and either ask another person to do them for a while or pay someone to do them. This allows you to rest or concentrate on more pressing matters.

My heart and mind felt in chaos and often, so did my house. I would look at the build-up and not have the energy to tidy up. Letting myself leave it all and not feel guilty gave me time to recover. Instead of working for hours on chores, I broke them into smaller sections and did one or two chores each day. Then when I had my days off there was less to finish.

The chores will always be there however, you are more important. Nothing is more important than surviving the onslaught of issues loss brings to the fore. Be kind to yourself and simply be ‘lazy” on some days.

While you are in emotional chaos life goes on. The fatigue accompanying loss is crippling. Getting a meal on the table becomes insurmountable and hanging out the washing becomes an effort.

Be gentle and kind to yourself regarding this area. You are out of your depth emotionally. Even though a trip to the shop becomes the event for the day you find that you come home without the crucial items. Your mind is a fog.

Buy food online and have it delivered when going out is impossible. List the order of chores and only do the necessary ones. Make a list and put it on the fridge. Every day think about what needs to be done and use the little energy you have to set it in place. Maybe it means taking out a frozen meal and watering a few plants. Other days you can achieve five or six chores. On the good days, try to knock over as many jobs as possible.

Get an outside person to take some of the load, even if it is only for a few weeks or months. My kindly next-door neighbor mowed my front lawn and I really appreciated the gesture.

Grief knocks you off your feet. The high emotional toll plus lack of sleep and total lifestyle upheaval makes you unable to perform as before. Recognize what is possible and important to complete, and leave the rest for tomorrow.

Your emotional and mental health is more important than having a tidy house and well-planned menu for the week. See each activity in small terms. The washing up takes ten to fifteen minutes so do that and then rest. Instead of doing a long run of chores do them over the day and night. It may be strange to be washing floors at midnight, but while you are wide awake it is a fruitful use of time.

Eventually, you master this area and life returns to some kind of normalcy. However, be aware it takes weeks, months, and years to heal from the death of your partner. Be kind and not punishing about dirty dishes in the sink. Your life has changed dramatically and taking good care of yourself is more important than maintaining the status quo.

On the flip side, mindless tasks are healing because for a while you don’t have to think. It is a time out from your woes. Cleaning and sorting are a way of self-soothing. When you are upset and unable to focus these activities may help. The mindlessness is calming and provides a sense of achievement.

The action of cleaning symbolizes cleaning out old emotions. It gets rid of negative energy. Everything around is energy and with every shift, you move ahead. Scrubbing floors and sorting out drawers is productive and another avenue to change the energy.

Sorting out clutter is like putting your life in order and getting rid of the unnecessary. Being upset and not coping is exacerbated by mess. Inner mess reflected in external mess. By being in a clearer space, you feel clearer.

Loss challenges us to the core and you need to clean and sort only in areas that do not upset you. Washing a floor does not compare to washing the clothes of your lost loved one. Be careful to choose neutral cleaning jobs. Likewise sorting out the laundry cupboard is less problematic than the jumper collection of your missing partner. Keep these cleaning and sorting chores for another day.

An added bonus is a tidier environment and then you are not worried by drop in visitors.

After my husband died, I spent days alone and these jobs helped me. I only did them as needed and made no promises to myself to have them done in any order or time. Gradually, my home became easier to live in.

When we perform mindless activities our mind and heart have time to heal. It is like the issues and heartaches go to the back of the mind and this resting time creates a healing outcome. Often, we gain insights and have light bulb moments. Whenever the chores involve water the ability to being “tuned in “increases dramatically.

During loss there is clutter mentally and emotionally. However, when you clear your space, you clear your energy. 

 

Retail therapy

During the loss you may lose sight of what makes you happy. Happy is not part of your daily life as the grief clouds every hour. However, retail therapy has two positive outcomes. Buying something you love gives temporary happiness and satisfaction. Then when you have bought or ordered it online having something new arriving brings joy.

Using retail therapy makes a completely sad day a little better. Every week buy an item or small gift for you or someone you love. Make it part of the healing process. Having a brand-new product is like bringing the future into your world. New cushions, a new dress, or cooking utensil give another focus.

Some of your clothes might remind you of the times you had together. They were tied into places you visited as a couple or times you enjoyed together. Now this may upset you. Buy a couple of new dresses and tops that have no old memories and wear them instead on the dark days. It is a form of moving on.

When you are heading towards a special birthday, Christmas or anniversary buy a little gift for yourself which arrives around that time. It takes away the pain of having another celebration alone. I bought a couple of Royal Doulton Plates before Valentine’s Day. As a couple, we always went out for a special meal, bought cards, and a gift. Now this day is a lonely one. However, having my plates arriving day or two before changed the energy for me. Of course, I felt the sadness of the day, but at least there was a little sunshine in that week. Being prepared is wise because these occasions keep on coming and retail therapy lightens a gloomy time.

 

Happy Activities and Home Comforts 

Make a list of things you love to do. After the passing, you will be all over the place. List old and new ideas. Post them on the fridge and use them to add happiness to your day. Include buying items on line, joining interest groups, gardening, reading, painting, baking, and various pursuits like writing and exercising.

It is a time to re-evaluate who you are and what you love.

When you are terribly unhappy, it is easy to spiral down. A session of yoga or a few minutes running on the trampoline alters your energy and at least for a short time you are in a happy place.

Be mindful that it is important that while you are enjoying yourself try not to focus on the past or future. Just be in the now. Being happy changes your body chemistry and increases endorphins. Even short bursts of happiness build change.

Finding happiness amidst the gloom and doom takes effort, but the benefits are worth it

Listen to your inner voice and allow your home to nurture you. Surrounded by familiar sounds and places there is no pressure. My home helped me to heal. I could be exactly how I felt without anyone else to consider. Nearly every time I ventured out, I met someone and had to face it again.

As long as you do not hide there indefinitely home is good. There were days I did no housework and stayed in bed watching Netflix. I soothed myself with comfort foods and it lessened the stress. If I did not wish to answer the phone or front door, I didn’t.

Sleep when you want. Spent time luxuriating in the bath. Eat whenever you want and sit in the garden

Sometimes being home is the cure. Although you are not moving on physically, you are moving through difficult emotions and releasing them in a safe environment.

During home days nurture yourself and do not do anything difficult. Time out at home recharges and rests a weary heart.

 

Forgiveness and Acceptance 

To forgive means you stop blaming or feeling anger towards the person or situation. You no longer wish to punish them.

After losing your partner, there is much to forgive. You have to forgive the situation, yourself and often them for going. It is in forgiveness that you truly move on.

During grief, there may be a great amount of anger and blame. The doctors may be blamed and you feel angry because your loved one has dying. Being left behind makes you angry and how your life turned out feels the same. You may be angry at God, your situation, and from being widowed.

Once your anger dissipates, forgiving becomes easier. I worked for months to let it go and be able to completely forgive. I forgave him for dying which seemed ridiculous, the situation I found myself in and most importantly, myself. It took a great deal of work to come to a final sense of forgiveness. However, it taught me that with forgiveness comes peace and healing.

Writing out your woes helps the anger shift. Acknowledging how angry I was and how much I was punishing myself took time. However, it was pivotal in my healing to find forgiveness.

I told my family that they no longer had to be angry for my situation because I had forgiven everything that had occurred. When the passing has been difficult and without resolution, anger and blame may prevail. Not everyone is a good patient or changed before they die. Many become even more stubborn and refuse to make retribution. People do not change just because they are facing their death. Often, they become even more entrenched in poor behaviour because they are angry because they are going.

Work at forgiveness because it releases you in a way that nothing else does. Stop being angry, blaming, and punishing yourself and others. Although it is a normal response, you do not have to live like this forever.

To not forgive is a weaker stand than forgiving. It takes much strength and love to come to forgiveness.

Like forgiveness, coming to acceptance may take a while. Be patient because your new life with its immeasurable losses takes time to come to terms with. There are many changes to grapple with, let alone accept.

Be kind and gentle when working towards acceptance. The constant reinforcement of your new daily life brings you into accepting your fate.

There is no way to change loss. Your entire existence is forever changed. There is no way to go back and only a maze of unknowns ahead. Nevertheless, the more time passes, the easier acceptance becomes. The new reality is that the person is never coming back.

More than time, acceptance heals all.

Time brings you to this acceptance. I took baby steps accepting my husband had died and that I was left alone. Accepting my new lifestyle was difficult and I struggled. My new status as widow made me have to redefine myself. Although there were many possibilities ahead, there was also loss and loneliness. These seemed to overwhelm the possibilities. Travelling alone felt less inviting, as did watching a movie by myself.

No one replaces someone you have loved. You may fill the space with other people or activities, but it is never the same. I missed the familiarity and closeness gained simply by living as a couple. You have lived together and nothing or no one is filling that void.

Over the months, acceptance becomes easier. Your time alone is the new normal and as you look wistfully at other couples you accept that is not part of your current world. It could be again but not with your previous loved one. Finally, you face the fact that it is over. All you have are memories and the fading story of your times together. That is sad.

Acceptance works layer by layer. You cannot rush it or skip over it. Your new life reinforces the changes and cements the truth. You may reminiscence and remember events and special occasions, however you accept your time as a couple is over. The tears and loneliness bring you to this final destination.

Acceptance is living in the present, while honoring the past.

There is great growth in acceptance. You allow yourself to head into the future with promise and the lessons learned. Your heart finally heals and sunshine comes more readily into your world. You begin to live your life as a single person and survive.

 

Abandonment, Rejection, Neglect and Wallowing

Although you know the lost loved one has not abandoned you, it feels like they have. It is totally irrational response and yet you feel it. They are gone and you are left alone and bereft. There is sadness, loss, and anger.

Being abandoned taps into our little child. The fear and anxiety rise up and you are like a small, frightened child. When my husband died, I was devastated and lost. I felt alone and left behind.

On many levels, you are left here to fend for yourself and deal with the collateral damage. Uncertainty about your future and the feeling of devastation add to the stress. The truth is that the one left behind suffers in unimaginable ways. It is an hourly battle, especially at the beginning.

No matter how much time you have to get prepared when the person dies you discover how totally unprepared you are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Nothing prepares you for loss of this magnitude.

We may have yelled and screamed at the one who has gone and begged them to come back. It is a desperate time. However, the wailing and crying never brings them back to us. Loss is heartbreaking and seems never-ending.

However, as you grow and begin to cope with being alone the abandonment feeling diminishes.

Unless you go through the loss of a partner, you can’t understand how it really feels. Forgive people for seeming to reject you. It is not rejection but their inability to know how to handle the situation.

Sometimes they step back when you need them to step forward. This reaction is normal. Do not read anything sinister into it. You are wearing a wobbly antenna now and your judgement may be impaired. Accept the love and help from those kind souls who are there for you. Accept the behaviour of those souls who can’t or don’t know how to be there.

Although it feels like rejection keep in mind that you are emotionally very sensitive.

As a single person you are different. Without your partner the whole relationship with others changes. Some of us to adapt quickly and the transition is easy, while others take time to get used to it. The feeling of being rejected has more to do with their response to the grief than of you.

Embrace the nurturing ones and try not to focus on the others. Not everyone in your group of family and friends can be there. Although you are overwhelmed and need them, they are struggling too with the death.

I had a lightbulb moment with people. I began to see them as they truly were. I realized that narcissistic and selfish individuals did not care about how I felt. It was not personal. They never care about anyone except themselves. You are not alone with these individuals because everyone is treated in the same unloving manner.

During loss it is a hard reality to face. It might be the first time in your relationship with them that you were the one in need. When the light bulb came on it was disappointing. However, unconditional love teaches us to accept others and their flaws. Let them go and live their lives and remember not to depend on them. Their words are merely words. Ask someone who is unselfish and shows love and support through actions. Selfish individuals are not bad people. However, they do hurt others due to their self-absorption and lack of empathy.

The grief process highlights many parts of your life and the light shines on areas you may not have seen before.

The one common issue you may suffer is emotional neglect, perceived or real. Grief creates a chasm emotionally and locks you into a prison of sadness. In these situations, you may feel emotionally neglected by others. It is obvious to you that Christmas, birthdays, New Year, and anniversaries are a nightmare emotionally. However, unless you are fortunate and have a few good people around, you can be neglected during these pivotal times.

Try not take it personally. Empaths or widows and widowers are aware, while self-absorbed people cannot see past their own needs and wants.

On the days you felt neglected nurture yourself and ring a supportive friend. Instead of focusing on the empty hole left by neglect, fill it with self-soothing activities.

During the loss, many family members are unable to process their own emotions, let alone support another. It is natural to lean towards family, however asking someone who is drowning to give help may be fruitless. In addition, denial is a strong component with people who are emotionally neglectful. Everyone works through loss in their way and time. It is not unusual for others to shelve the whole situation and face it years later. It seems that the further out from the loss, the easier it becomes to avoid.

The widow or widower is living the reality every hour whether they want to or not. There is nowhere to hide. However, sons and daughters are often removed from the family home and have already left the nest. Disconnection makes avoidance more likely.

Although you feel emotionally neglected, try not to take it personally. Being angry when you are neglected is normal. Still, try to see the bigger picture and not punish them. Forgive them and move on. I decided to detach from those who were neglectful. I sent them love and let go of my expectations.

Wallowing is allowing expression of your deepest and darkest emotions. Wallowing is not always avoidable. Trying to keep positive is admirable, but grief consumes everything. Although wallowing has negative connotations, it is a natural outcome. Allowing your emotions to be felt and expressed is healthy.

Loss is a particularly deep and life-changing event. The losses are not only the obvious ones. You lose a life shared together. Your entire world is different. The past is lost, but so is your future as you saw it. The person you wanted to be with today and tomorrow is not there. The loneliness is heartbreaking.

There is some research which indicates wallowing gives us time out from having to cope. By crying and having a prolonged meltdown, you let go of the stress created by the grief situation. I wallowed for hours and sometimes, for days. The heavy sadness weighed me down and took time to release. Of course, I tried to let my feelings go, but the painful emotions were undeniably powerful. Emotions spill out and run into every part of your soul. You hurt everywhere and it is dreadful. The terrible pain comes up into your throat and pours out. Try to see wallowing as a vehicle in which everything pours out.

Wallowing is honestly how you feel. Never judge or blame yourself for wallowing. The only way through grief is feeling it as it comes to the fore. I wallowed and let it all come out. Resist the temptation to shut down the experience because it is a powerful way to release your deepest emotions. Wallowing may be done around others, however mostly it is done in private.

 

Work and Leisure 

When possible, keep aiming to work. Work stabilizes and takes your mind away from the ongoing loss. However, at the start it may not be an option. Unless you are functioning well consider time away.

I took off a few months during the worse part. Initially, I tried to go back, but the yo-yo effect of grief meant I never knew when I was operational. I gave myself this time to heal. As I improved, I added the type of work activity that I could manage without feeling pressured.

Healing is a slow process and unpredictable. The waves of emotions make life messy and uncertain. When I decided not to work it was frustrating because I loved to work and it gave me an escape from the constant pain. However, the downside was my inability to perform adequately.

Instead, I worked on other areas and rechannelled what energy I had there. I made lists of jobs and activities that were doable.

We function differently through grief situations and you have to be true to yourself. Make the best decision for you.

Focus on healing and see whether work helps or hinders it.

Leisure time is a dangerous place where your demons may surface. Perhaps, you spent leisure time with your lost love and now you are alone. Therefore, doing the same activity brings much sadness. I tried to do daily walks through my local park, but the memories and number of tears I shed while walking was not worth it. In time, I knew I would resume walking but not in the early stages.

However, some leisure pursuits work well and have no effect on you emotionally. Pursue these. Adding new ones is beneficial and allows expansion in your new world. When it is a group activity, you meet new people and arrive as a single person, instead of half of a couple.

Joining singles groups is an option. However, initially your broken heart may be unable to face fronting up alone. You may not be ready to tell others you are widowed. You are unsure how you will handle it.

Wait until you are ready. Let your emotions settle. Then venture out.

 

Trust and Asking for Help 

Surprisingly, trust becomes an issue during grief. I did not trust that I would survive the ordeal. It felt insurmountable to me. I am sure you have felt the same enormity and fragility. Due to my messy and unstable condition, I felt unable to rely on my ability to make wise decisions. My usual coping skills were stretched simply making it till lunchtime.

People offer help, but you can’t work out who to trust and rely upon. Many people say they are there to give support, but when you ask, they are too busy. It is not your fault because you trusted what they said was true. In the end, it is what others do, not what they say they will do. Use this as a gauge, rather than believing them naively.

Some family and friends stay and others slide into the shadows. Everything is shifting beneath your feet and it feels insecure. Take a step back and give yourself time to reassess.

The fog lifts over time and remember that your antennae are not broken, simply a bit wobbly. I tried to make decisions and do tricky tasks on my better days. My ability to order the right items or remember to pay a bill were compromised. The old reliable me was gone. My trust in my abilities was challenged, so I enlisted others to help me or to check what I had done was right.

Trust makes us feel secure and grief makes us feel insecure.

Asking for help is difficult. When you are used to depending on one person or yourself, it takes a shift to ask for assistance. The one person you could always rely on is gone.

At first, it scared me. How could I possibly do everything on my own? Then I came up with a plan. The man/woman in the van. I attempted to fix what I could and then I got help by calling the man/woman in the van. They were the experts in the chosen field and he or she could solve it. By knowing there was outside help, I felt less stressed. One phone call or text meant I was not alone. Luckily, I also had a son and a few friends who helped a lot.

Once I came to the realization that in fact, I was surrounded by assistance I felt relieved and supported. In the future, I can repay the any favours done by my family and friends.

Whenever the nervousness and anxiety rise remind yourself that you have support. Anxiety and worry diminish once we find a solution.

There are various changes after loss of any kind. The props that held you up might be gone, but you can be resourceful and resolve all problems.

 

Checking out and Doing Nothing

Checking out is a useful strategy. You are going through many emotions and anxieties and detaching into another world works. It is not denial, simply a coping measure.

Checking out means you stay on your own or stop doing the normal activities. Time stands still while you regroup. Perhaps you need weeks of this strategy and other times, a few hours are enough. During these spaces healing occurs on a deeper level. Although you are cleaning the house or absorbed in a trashy television show your heart and mind are readjusting.

There is nothing you can do to escape the passage of grief. The tunnel is long and some days the light at the end is hard to see. Consumed by emotions and fear[WE1]  you may have to stop in order to keep going.

When I checked out eating ice-cream and lying in bed watching movies, I knew it was doing me good. Having a break from the situation and tedium of forms and death certificates recharged me. It does not matter in this place what you do and how often. The important consideration is allowing yourself to be off-duty from your incredibly difficult life.

Checking out from the never-ending grief allows your mind and heart to settle and process the situation. When we are focusing on something else, we recalibrate the future.

Learn to love your checking out times. They strengthen and ground us. Whenever you need factor them in and embrace the respite.

Society is always expecting us to be involved in some activity. Therefore, doing nothing as a tool for healing sounds counter-productive. However, it is a wonderful way to deal with everything. Sitting looking out the window or lying alone in bed gives comfort. When you are on overwhelm, it is like a sanctuary.

After everything that has happened you may be totally spent. The exhaustion of the last months makes you slow and apathetic. Not sleeping properly does not help.

Unlike checking out, no activity is involved with doing nothing. It is like a healing meditation. Let yourself sit in the space until you feel like moving. Never feel lazy or guilty about doing nothing. The body is wise and this is the body resetting itself again.

As time passes, you may need less nothingness time.

Your first family may have encouraged activity all the time and you may feel guilty when resting. Remember that guilt is when you have done something wrong and there nothing wrong with being still and doing nothing. It is a powerful way to process our thoughts and emotions.

Being in the “nothing” space brings you back to yourself and recharges the soul.

---

 [WE1]

 

Disappointment, Sorrow and Heartache

Disappointment is an unfilled want or need. It’s disappointing to be the one left behind. There is massive heartache and disappointment because your hopes and dreams for the future are irrevocably gone.

I would watch couples my age and older walking together and know that I would never have that experience again with my husband. We did not have twenty more years together. I was disappointed that I lost him so early. Our plans could not be fulfilled and future grandchildren would not know him. There was a loss of family. The dynamics of the family alter dramatically after a death. My children were disappointed for me and themselves. They were also disappointed for their children.

It is disappointing looking ahead and seeing nothing together. The memories are all you have now. Maybe you wish you had travelled more and shared more activities. IN addition, you are disappointed that you are single.

Gradually, you accept your life and become more grateful. You focus on the gifts that precious relationship gave you and the wealth of love you shared.

Disappointment lasts as long as we look back and see what we lost, not what we gained.

Loss creates sorrow and enormous heartache. It is a heartache you are unprepared for and one which lasts for ages. There can be an actual ache and burning sensation around the heart. You feel as if your heart is breaking. The feeling of having a heart attack happens to some and panic attacks occur.

It is not uncommon to exhibit heart problems during or after grief situations. The heart is particularly vulnerable to emotional stress This is the time to take good care of yourself on all levels. Rest and avoiding extra stress on the heart is beneficial. Taking herbal aids and heart minerals like magnesium and coenzyme 10 assist with the physical aspects. Vitamins strengthen you as well.

Energetically, you can place your hands on your heart area and wear rose quartz and tourmaline. Both these crystals protect the heart from more damage. Reiki and massage relax the body which in turn relaxes the heart. Acupuncture is a valuable tool. There are specific acupuncture pressure points which feed into the meridian grid. Check them out on the net. Heart 7 and pericardium 6 are two to begin with. Rescue remedy and homeopathic medicine are excellent. Bach remedies work on the finer vibrational areas of your aura.

Physically, you need to exercise but in a gentle manner. While you are grieving the heart is under attack and too much vigorous exercise places strain on it. Yoga, walking, light jogging, and Qigong are better choices. Try not to exhaust the body with too much cleaning and lifting. Everything in moderation.

Keeping away from draining individuals keeps us in a healthier space. Drainers come in many guises. Check how you feel after time together. When you come away exhausted, you have been drained. After loss, your energy is already depleted and extra depletion brings it down even more. Crowds have the same effect.

Try not to become too tired. Stay later in bed or take an afternoon nap. The body heals when you rest because the energy for moving around is sent to other parts of the body. When you sleep your body repairs itself.

Grief takes its toll and the heart is the hardest hit.

 

Depression and Despair

Depression is a massive outcome with loss. All the issues we face when we are depressed may surface. At first, I did not comprehend how depressed I was. It was only as the weeks passed by that it finally dawned on me.

Depression is a difficult emotion because it permeates your entire life. The fatigue, apathy, sleeping problems, eating, and low mood impact on every moment. However, as you adjust and begin to accept your loss and rebuild your world, the depression lifts.

Although you hanker for how it used to be your life is completely different. In this new place, you are alone and everything is a challenge.

When I realized how depressed I was I began to implement change. To heal myself I used uplifting herbs and ginseng to fortify my body. Tapping helped enormously as did Qigong and exercise. I made sure my diet included fruits and vegetables, as well as a few treats. There is a direct correlation between the brain and the gut. New research is finding that our mood and our digestion are intrinsically linked.

Instead of focussing on doom and gloom, I allowed those thoughts and emotions to come up and then I let them go. We forget how much power our mind has if we let it run unchecked. By rewriting our internal script, we allay the darker aspects from manifesting.

There is a saying that you are as happy or unhappy as you chose to be. Even though it sounds simple and possibly unattainable right now, you do possess the power to steer yourself into a positive space. There is always suffering around. However, the amount of focus you give this suffering is entirely in your control.

Crying and feeling sorry for yourself is a cleansing action, but it is no good getting stuck there. The idea is to feel the emotions, clear them out and move ahead.

Depression involves stagnation, so any movement forward from a physical, emotional, or mental space is beneficial. For some of us there much to move out and it may take longer. However, every release and shift bring us into a happier place.

I tried as much as possible to be positive in my negative space. It felt weird because my inner and outer world were falling apart. Still, enjoying my morning coffee or watching the night skies gave me momentary pleasure and joy.

Keep letting the depression go and be replaced with love, peace, and joy. Your intention to move it makes it shift. You are the master of your life and how you view life is a choice. See this as a life experience, rather than a curse. On the positive side, your compassion for others along a similar journey increases and you recognize your ability to adapt.

We are what we feel and think. By planting happy thoughts and experiencing good emotions, we make less room for depression. Listen to the inner voice and change the dialogue when needed. It takes effort to rewrite our responses, but it is worth doing.

Nothing lasts forever, unless you never let it go.

Despair is the absence of hope. Going through grief makes us feel despair. The countless hours alone, the empty bed, and the missing partner gives little hope. You may feel like it’s all too hard and want to give up. You look ahead and see more lonely days stretching forever.

I felt massive despair during many long days and nights. I despaired I would never be happy again. However, gradually I tried to replace my hopelessness with positive thoughts. He was never coming back and I had to adjust to my new reality.

Some people never recover from loss. They simply resign themselves to their life and suffer in silence.

You are not losing your mind when despair hits. It is a normal reaction to a monumental change. You are tired and sad so wanting to give up is understandable. Reach out during this time and ask for help. Often, we need others to pull us out of the bog. Try to find some happy things to focus on and plan something good.

The death of a partner is nothing like the death of a parent or friend. Your soulmate is gone and you pine.

You will get better and the despair lifts. However, it is an awful feeling to endure.

 

A Single Lifestyle

After living in a couple situation for over forty years being single again challenged me to the core. Once he was in the hospice, there was a void where our couple life used to be.

Then after the death, you are alone and lost. All of the routines and daily outings are gone. Driving off alone and having to complete the chores is hard. Before you always had someone to talk to and share the day and now there is a void. It takes time to adjust. Perhaps we don’t really adjust, we simply accept it.

Losing your partner creates an empty hole that is not always possible to fill. No one replaces your partner, not your mum or dad, or your kids. You may fill up the hole with seemingly meaningless activities and by being with other people, but the loss of your loved ones is never really filled. Often, I floated through the weeks trying to make sense of it all.

You may avoid walking in your favourite park because it brings up too much emotion or change the channel when a program you both enjoyed comes on. In time, when you are stronger you can revisit these places.

To be independent means you are self-reliant. At the beginning, I was anything but that. I struggled in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Some days seemed everlasting.

However, as I built up my independent life, it became more bearable. The single activities become the new normal and even being with our old friends became easier.

To move on you need to rebuild your life and every time you function as a single person, you reinvent yourself. When you pay the bills or fix the remote control, you assert your independence. These seemingly small achievements allow you to gather your strength and move ahead.

I pined and it was crippling. However, life does go on and every time I did a single activity, I healed a little. Many of us are alone and suffering loss. Instead of looking back, create a new you and try to fill your days with happiness.

Walking through the world after loss feels very strange. All around is the same, but for you everything has changed dramatically. Shopping without your partner and eating alone takes time to get used to.

It is a new life that you do not want. I did not like being single. It was alien and uncomfortable. Some days I could not face driving to the shops and walking around alone. I choose to stay home instead. You know what I mean.

The new lifestyle has a misery attached to it. When you are young and single there is a happiness in your freedom. However, being widowed is nothing like this. Of course, you are free, but it is awful because you do not want to be free. I wanted to be in a loving partnership and the single thing was not appealing.

At the beginning, trying to adapt is hard. As the weeks and months pass being single becomes more the norm. I disliked it, but what could I do. It was my new lifestyle. I stared ahead and saw more of the same life.

Although you may be open to a new relationship, the grieving needs time. During this time your emotions and life are a mess. The person you lost is in your mind constantly and you know there is more alone time until you heal.

I disliked my new life. I did my gratitude list and tried to be positive and happy. However, my heart was hurting and I missed my husband dreadfully. Be kind to yourself. You will not be as happy as before until the cloud of grief shifts which can take months and years. In reality, some people never leave the grief room.

I missed having a companion, I missed being loved and held. I knew until I healed this was my life. Facing that truth takes courage and it is sad. Usually, after a few weeks and definitely several months reality of the constant new lifestyle hits home. I also got tired of being good about it. It had a monotony to me like the same day over and over again. Being single is something you acclimatize to, but it does not sit well.

Eventually, it improves, and you know this is a gateway you cannot avoid. In the future life changes and new people may come into your life. Nothing lasts forever, so hang in there.

Although we always retain our single self, even in a close relationship, being only single is hard. You have lost an entire part of your daily life. Everything is done alone. You sleep alone, wake up alone, and spend countless hours as a solitary being. No one is there as before.

Some single ventures are already familiar. Shopping, your hobbies, and being with certain friends. However, for the most part you are lost in the sea in your forced singleness. Your singleness is not a choice.

Of course, you have good friends, but the proximity of a constant partner is different. There were days I could not face shopping alone again. I wanted to go to the movies but not by myself. Even with practice you may have these days. I knew that I could do it, but I was too depressed and stayed home.

Living as a single person again takes time and effort.

How well you cope depends on where you are emotionally. Some days you seem to fly through it and then without warning, you are thrust back into the struggle. Listen to your inner voice. Cancel outings when emotions are high. The people you are supposed to be seeing are not feeling like you. Staying home is a self-nurturing act, not being weak. Therefore, you must follow your own heart.

Being single brings opportunities, however it challenges us to the core

 

Medication and Counselling

Going through loss is challenging. Not being able to sleep, eat, and lack of focus happen in the beginning. High anxiety and symptoms similar to fear are rampant. Your doctor may be able to provide medicine to help you through this phase. Normally, medication is short- term, but depending on your circumstances you might need it long-term. If you need it, use it. It may be the difference between coping and falling apart.

After nursing someone through a long illness you are physically, emotionally, and mentally spent. Medication during the weeks, months, and years before they pass can help. When the person dies suddenly you may need sedatives to cope with the overwhelming shock. It is not a weakness to use medication to survive.

The grief cycle is tumultuous and life-changing. Pharmaceuticals serve a purpose and allow you to heal and function.

Alternatively, you may choose to use herbal medicines as well or instead of western medicine. Choosing herbs, teas, and natural products works too. The strength may not be the same, but the side-effects are less.

It is your journey and sometimes, others make judgements and give ill-considered advice. Decide what is best for you. Only when one walks the path do they truly understand what is needed.

Bereavement counselling is a great idea. You may get stuck in the process and a skilled counsellor can make a difference. It is not a sign of weakness to get counselling; it is looking after yourself.

Go for as long as you need. It may take a few sessions to many. The time is not important. Moving through your grief and having support is why you go. By talking to someone outside of your circle of family and friends allows to you to be totally honest. With those close to us, we may hold back and not want to upset them. However, the counsellor is removed from our personal life and does not have to see us socially. You can say what you like to them. It can be liberating.

Bereavement is a life tragedy and is unlike other situations. By visiting a specialist, you are able to focus on the problems and emotions in hand. Different coping methods are suggested by them and it is a place where you are free to be your whole self.

There are counsellors in real life or you may use a phone or online service. By expressing your emotions, you are able to work through it. Over time, your load becomes lighter. Whether you tell others or not about your sessions is your choice. Sometimes, simply having another person unconnected to your life is all it takes.

Counselling is healing and enables you to work through tough challenges and look at other ways of dealing with your situation.

Fresh eyes bring a new perspective when we are recovering.

 

Healing Your Grief

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

Memories flood in day and night. Some are happy and comforting, while others are disturbing and unsettling. After a traumatic passing, the bad memories may come more frequently than the good ones.

Generally, you are suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress. It takes time for the terrible memories to fade. As the weeks and months pass, they become less and their vividness fades. However, there were some awful memories that I continued to have even after time had passed. You may have to accept this sad reality.

As you heal, the good memories return and the funny stories or positive times come into your mind. Grieving is a conflicting experience and the most pressing emotions like sorrow, anger, and fear may cloud you. However, the healing is beginning when you remember your loved one and smile, instead of constantly crying.

Looking at photos has two sides. It makes you long for the past or gives comfort. I found the photos upset me and I kept the albums away until I felt stronger emotionally. You need to decide what is best for you.

Everywhere you go you remember and it is something that is difficult to contain. Before you know you are back there thinking about the last time you did this or that as a couple. I accepted that it was part of the grief process and simply let it go. When the upsetting memories returned, I consciously shut them out. I did not have to revisit everything over and over again. The past was gone and focussing on previous events kept me from living in the present.

You need to decide how you wish to deal with sections of your grief life. Neither way is better than the other. This is your journey, your lost relationship and you make the rules. Others can comment, but they are not standing where you are.

At the beginning, your grief seems like a rocky river. Everything is moving fast and your emotions are heightened. This acute phase lasts for a few months. Then a strange feeling occurs. It is like the surface becomes seemingly calmer, while beneath a raging torrent runs. It is there all the time as you journey through the next stage of loss.

The tears subside somewhat and the agitation settles. However, now your grief is submerged and as life goes on, it appears like you are getting better. This time is deceptive. The dust may be settling, but the deeper emotions of sorrow, loss, fear, and anger manifest in this strange manner.

I could literally feel the subterranean grief. The volume of the emotions was turned down, but they still had power. It was the quietness and dark reality which confronted me. I talked and laughed, but inside I carried a massive amount of hidden grief.

You may experience this phenomenon. It is a weird and silent reminder of the deeper healing. At first you deal with the top emotions and the power of them. Afterwards, the core feelings begin to circulate in you. Often, no one sees them because you appear more like your old self.

After loss, we are always changed. That part of heart that loved them is not the same.

Although it is good you are moving through the process the drawback is that others think you are better. In fact, you may be worse. The pain of loss sits sadly in your being.

I felt a constant misery inside. Of course, I was getting used to my lonely existence and could cope with the changes. However, the undercurrent of sadness was hard to bear. It was like tears had settled in my soul. I kept releasing the emotions, but the blanket of sadness appeared to stay the same.

Being aware of the subterranean grief helped me manoeuvre through the times ahead.

Everyone deals with the loss of a partner differently. However, there are a few usual responses.

Those who cannot face it get lost. It may be for weeks, months, or years. They live in the past and never let go of the person or their longing for them. Although the person has died, they are still in a couple relationship. Many die single and alone.

Some people are very needy and rely on others a lot. In some cases, their family moves in or they go and live with them because they cannot cope. It hits them hard and without aid, they cannot get through it.

Then there are the strong survivors. The pain is as powerful for them, but they seek to be self-reliant and not bother others. They cry in private and appear to be better than they actually are.

Another group never talks about it. They lock the emotions and their past life away. It is as if they were not together. When the subject comes up, they avoid it and change the subject.

Some become clinically depressed and cannot break out of the trauma of loss. Then we may need professional help.

You may experience many of these grief styles during your recovery or only use one. However, while each is individual, they have the terrible and unbearable pain underpinning them. It is simply our different ways to cope with such a life-changing experience.

 

Your Virtual World and Grief Forums

Nowadays we have the mobile phone, texting, messaging, and Skype/Facetime and these devices have helped us to connect instantly.

After your partner dies, you will feel very lonely because the daily connection with your loved one is gone. Instead of constant companionship, you may sit alone morning, afternoon, and evening. Sometimes, the entire night you are awake.

Having people to communicate with makes a huge difference to our emotional health and recovery. Try to speak, text, or Skype/Facetime with someone every day. A well-timed phone call may be the difference between falling into the void and making it through the day.

I made an effort to connect with two to three people on most days. I reached out and sent a text, called them, or emailed a short note. These practices kept me from feeling totally alone. The sadness was still inside of me, but this simple action made every day feel better. I was honest and said I was okay. I did not use the word good or fine because that was untrue. During the time we connected I did not worry about how messy I was. It is best to honest. No one expects you to be on top of it all. However, remember to show genuine interest in their world too. Grief is consuming and remind yourself to show interest in their life as well.

By making connections, your world feels full of family, friends, and love. Often you can be lucky and others make extra connections via phone, text, and messages. These communications help to keep you from feeling so alone. When the message or call comes through you feel instantly loved and appreciated. I know of one loving person who sent a kiss via text every day to her widowed friend. Another called to ask about a recipe, even though she was really calling to reach out. These acts of love give us the strength to make it through.

Make an effort to remain in the real world by using everything at your disposal to be close with those who you love. When it is their time of difficulty, you can repay them.

Without my family and friends, I would not have recovered as quickly and been able to smile as soon as I did. Their loving presence made all the difference, especially on the days I was drowning.

No one can save you, but they can hold you up until you become stronger.

There are countless hours to fill once your live-in partner dies. You go from being in a couple to being completely single. The hours you spent together cannot be shared with your family or friends. The early mornings and evenings till dawn are peak times.

Investing in a virtual life pays dividends. With the net people and sites are available twenty-four hours a day. These connections fill those empty hours. Use forums, messaging, and chat rooms. Build up a new set of people.

Often, we are awake during the night and a little chat soothes the soul. The grief forums are wonderful and any interest you have can be explored.

Using YouTube gives instant connection with people, while we increase our knowledge or enjoy music. Having someone to talk online is like having a real conversation. Another human voice comforts and makes us feel less alone.

The nights are lonely and the void is looking right at you. Having a few family members and friends to ring at night helps enormously. I had several people I could ring and it saved many a bad evening.

Work out who is there for you. Then do your calls at night. Somehow the day is easier to fill, whereas night-time is harder. Try to spread your calls out through the week and on less busy times. I often tried to talk to a few people every week. I also texted during the evening. A well-timed text reply makes the void less daunting.

Some people are happy to chat because they are also alone or single. They are the perfect night call friends. Other people love to talk and are in relationships in which phone calls at night are not a problem.

Family members and our adult sons and daughters are usually more available at night. Save your calls with them during these times.

The nights can seem long and confronting. A loving phone call brings light and love into a sad space. Sharing your day and having a few laughs lightens your grief. After these calls, the night seems shorter and better.

We all need love and connection, especially during the tough times. With loss, you miss the strong connection you had with your loved one. These night connections help.

By joining a grief forum, you belong to a special section of the community. Death of a loved one becomes your connection point. Grief forums allow you to write anonymously and in time, meet people who may become friends. These forums allow open dialogue about the deluge. Simply venting or asking for advice gives special support, especially by talking to others going through the same trials and tribulations. Healing others heals us and by offering love and support back you find a new meaning in your world. Surviving loss takes time and the help along the way moves us through in a place of love and understanding.

Generally, at first you are victim to your circumstance. After the death you are faced with a myriad of issues on a personal and home front. It is overwhelming. You may feel powerless to your changed environment. Although family and friends are doing their best, they do not know how it feels. You may be lucky and know a few people who have gone through a similar process, but you can’t rely on them too much.

In addition, being able to connect twenty-four hours a day allows us freedom to talk and get support. Our family and friends tell us to ring any time. However, most of us would not wake them up at four in the morning because we are upset. This is when an online forum is great. Simply writing on the page lets us express ourselves and connect with another group of people who are awake.

The forum is there for as long as needed. You may stay a relatively short time because life takes on another direction. However, you may be there for years.

Grief it is a lonely path to walk. Therefore, joining a support group is a wonderful idea. At last, we have support and help from people just like us. We connect with others who truly understand how we are feeling and know personally how to respond. It is great to find an avenue of expression because everyone is going down a similar road. No emotions are censored and encouragement and wisdom are given.

I joined several groups for my own healing and to hear issues that arose for others. It was cathartic to read my counterparts experiencing problems that I was encountering. During my time, I met some interesting people and found a new friend. There are lots of people on the net and the reach is large and wide. With all their stories there is always someone in a similar place to you.

I met a great guy in America who had recently lost his wife after four decades of marriage. We clicked immediately and understood each other although being complete strangers. We remain the best of friends years after. It was true blessing for me.

There are many sites and some offer special support chat rooms, especially for Christmas Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. when it more challenging.

Check out the grief forums online and get the extra help you need.

 

Family and Friends

No one can walk through the grief for you, but they can walk by your side. Hopefully, your family and friends are along the journey with you. The time of loss is significant so take the support that is offered. Some members come in close, while others stand back. Be aware and accept this truth. Not everyone is able to deal with grief on any level. Sometimes, their lives are busy and they are on their own version of overwhelm

In addition, we all offer differing forms of help. Some family members wish to talk it through, while others want to avoid the obvious. At the beginning, there may be lots of support, but as the months pass, it lessens. There are few who walk the entire path of grief with us. Be grateful for these loving souls.

Loss is a personal journey, but you do not have to do it alone. Others offer new insights and bring to your attention different strategies of coping and give you hope. Some help is emotional support and other versions manifest as assistance with practical aspects. All are valid measures of love and support. Perhaps your brother never mentions the your grief but fixes your lawnmower. See behind every action.

How much you confide in your families also changes the outcomes. At the start, you have to come to terms with the terrible loss. Often, when they were ill for a while you know that they are going to die. However, if the loss comes suddenly, you may be numb or in denial.

Always remember you are the one who is feeling their passing the most, not others. You are the most heartbroken one. Unless you have lost a partner, you can never truly understand the magnitude of grief felt as a widow or widower.

People come from their own perceptions and have a certain view because of where they are standing. Be aware that the advice or comments others make may be mind focussed, not coming from the heart.

Understand that love manifests in many ways and be grateful for any assistance given.

Friendships are built on love and trust. They are similar relationships to family but without some of the complications. Many times, what you tell your girlfriend is not the same as your mum. There is less screening with close friends and because you are often similar ages or come from similar backgrounds, it is easier to speak openly. With family, we may not speak as honestly because we want to protect them or ourselves.

Friends are good gauges of how well you are coping. They provide a good reflection on how they think you are. Listen and take on board suggestions given. In every bit of advice, there is some truth. Listen and then decide. During this time, your centre is wobbly and it is easy to miss things.

Getting more sleep, eating properly, or going out more are valuable suggestions. However, if you know that emotionally you are unable to socialize it is okay to decline. Your emotions are telling you to be alone and heal. However, on other occasions socializing is a better way to move to the next level.

Grief ebbs and flows. An invitation yesterday seems great until you wake up the next day in a blubbering mess. Some emotions have to ridden alone or in front of mindless television with loads of comfort food. There is a mask people wear socially and on the dark days even that cover is not enough. Our true friends understand that giving you space is the best gift for now.

Also be aware of controlling friends who want to live through your drama. They may attach and want to run your life. This is not friendship; this is power and control. Resist being bullied, even by a seemingly good friend.

Healing is a personal path. Some of us love having many people around to give support, while others prefer more time alone.

Your family and friends are the support vehicles during a torrid time. Embrace their presence.

 

 Fear, Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Grief may manifest as fear. It is a scary path to tread alone. I was scared of everything, especially in the beginning. The fear was strong and unrelenting. All of a sudden, I was alone and responsible for everything, as well as the way I was feeling. Fear like this is crippling.

Once you realize that the emotion you are experiencing is fear, then going through is easier. Grief stresses the body and mind and makes you scared. Most fear comes from the daily grind of moving through loss. There is fear attached to being single and not having your rock with you. Fear of being solely responsible for the decisions and the money concerns weighs heavily. Instead of having another close person, you are alone. When you have been in a close shared partnership the fear of being alone is palpable. The longer you have lived as a couple, the more entrenched are the dependency behaviours.

Take a breath and progress slowly. There is always help on hand and you are never truly going solo.

Often the death is a terrifying ordeal and leaves you reeling. Unlike the gentle and orchestrated passing showed on television, some last memories are disturbing. Fear manifests from these traumatic situations.

Be gentle with yourself because although no one talks about the fear, it is definitely a massive obstacle during the first few weeks and months. Initially, I did not understand that I was experiencing it. Grief has many emotions and I had not fully realized that my general uneasiness was simply fear.

You may have fear of living alone, being able to cope, losing your mind, and being able to figure out the chores surrounding the death. In the small hours, you may wake up scared and sick to the stomach. The fear is from the grief. However, once you accept your fears, you can put them to rest.

When I had a fearful time, I went back into survival mode. In the next few hours or days, I utilized my calming down techniques. As time passed the fear lessened, but when I was triggered, it came back in full force. Calming herbs, medication, deep breathing, and release work help. On the bad days, don’t attempt anything. Rest and do nurturing activities. Once the fear abates you can catch up with what needs to be done.

Never underestimate the effects of fear. It is crippling. However, know that you are capable of moving past it and coming into a calmer place.

Loss is a fearful and unknown territory and challenges your existence. Waking up with anxiety and nausea it usual. The feeling is horrible and may last for days. The anxiety and nausea may begin during the dying process and continue after the death. When you have these emotions, they usually connect into a worrying part of the death process. You know that you are being foolish and overreacting. However, these emotions are difficult to harness.

The worse times are when you are alone, pm and am. The lack of distraction and other people promote anxious thoughts and sickening feelings.

Grief is like being on a terrifying wave never knowing when or if you are going to crash. It rocks your soul to the core.

There are helpful drugs to alleviate these emotions and you can use them when it seems appropriate. Herbs, meditation, and Emotional Freedom Tapping may also lessen it. By managing these seemingly irrational emotions, you may feel calmer. Use what works for you.

You may experience your first panic attack while you are going through the grief journey. The feelings of loss make you fearful and anxious. Your entire world is crumbling before your eyes and everything is making you nervous.

Panic attacks start quickly and the trembling, sweating, nausea, pounding heart, feeling detached, shortness of breath, tingling sensations and dizziness are a few of the symptoms. They may last for a few seconds or hours. It is a surreal and scary experience.

When we are threatened, the body goes into fight or flight. These sensations are not under our control. However, once we understand what is happening, then we can find ways to cope.

Previously, I was unaware that loss triggers panic attacks. Although I knew about them and had dealt with them in my past, I was unprepared for them now. However, once I recognized how I was responding I could relate it to the grief. The smallest problem could set me off and some days it took ages to settle down. The higher my level of loss that day, the more vulnerable I became. Lack of sleep and constant worry and anxiety precipitated many attacks.

Breathing and slowing down helps. Taking time out from the trigger gives you time to rest and regroup. When I thought something might begin an attack, I walked away or refused to do the task. One of my sons asked me to collect a doctor’s letter concerning my husband’s death. While I was on the phone, without warning the nausea rose in my stomach and I felt physically sick. I said I would collect the letter and finished the phone call. Immediately afterwards, I realized that I was heading towards a panic attack. Straightaway, I rang back and told him I could not do it. Afterwards, I began to calm down. All the flashbacks of the passing continued for the next day, but by stopping myself from going back to the doctor’s rooms it stopped another panic attack.

It is not a sign of weakness to have panic attacks. Loss is the hardest and most gruelling life journey you can have. Take care of yourself and as soon as you see the signs step back and regroup. The world will cope without you and it is a self-nurturing action. Unless you have walked this sad and shaky path you cannot comprehend the way it changes the foundation of your life.

Being a Mess during Grief

 

Anger, Guilt, Regret and Hindsight

Anger and loss go together. Anger is a natural and an undeniable outcome and the sooner we deal with it the better. None of us want to be left behind. Now you are there standing alone in a relationship that had two people in it. Feeling angry is common.

On some level, it seems weird to be angry with a phantom. I was angry to be left behind. I vented in the car and used writing to let it out. I wanted my husband to be alive and because he was not here, it angered me. Besides the practical aspects of life, there was a huge gaping hole in my world. Every morning and day, the hole was there looking to be filled. There was no escape from the constant reminders of our life before.

Moving ahead seems hard when you are surrounded by memories and physical reminders of your life together. It feels like you are dragging a massive amount of the past into the present and future.

On the bad days when the shower broke and I could not find an important document of his, I felt my anger rising. It permeated throughout the days ahead. Sometimes, it began in anger, only to be converted into hours of crying.

Anger is part of the grief process. Be patient with yourself.

Guilt is the emotion you have when you do something wrong. It seems ridiculous to have guilt during loss because for the most part you did absolutely everything to support your loved one. However, guilt prevails with grief.

You may feel guilty about anything you failed to do. I spent years feeling guilty because I never made the special cake that I promised to make for my mum before she died. Although I knew on a deep level that the guilt was completely unfounded, it continued.

Guilt features during loss and you have to accept it and let it go. You may worry about not picking up that they were ill, not doing it all right, not being a good enough partner. The list is varied and endless. Second guessing happens constantly and on reflection, you make assumptions. Remember that while you were in the midst of dealing with the situation, everything was consuming. Now when you criticize your actions or lack of them you are not in the same place, emotionally and mentally. You are looking back into the past and we cannot change what has happened.

Try not to let the guilt take over your thoughts. You did your best at the time. Focus on what you did, not what you did not do. No one passes through a loss without having some guilt. Although it is an unrealistic response, it is often unavoidable.

With some deaths, we may have survivor guilt. We are left and they are gone. We question why we are alive and they have died. It seems unfair and may be an uncomfortable realization. I was left with the house, some money, and a good life stretching ahead. He was gone. Be grateful you were able to be part of their life and death. Honor that you gave the best you could at the time, and forgive yourself for any transgressions.

After a death, hindsight may plague you. All the “if only” come up in your mind and it can mess with you. Let those thoughts go. It is done and nothing will change the past. Understanding what occurred cannot change a thing.

Hindsight is a bitch. With hindsight, we understand a situation or event after it has happened. Looking back, it makes sense and we have the light bulb moment. Hindsight is annoying because we wish we had got it before.

Hindsight may make you experience guilt and regret. Use your revelations as a lesson. They are teaching you about life. Once you learn the lesson or gain the understanding, move on. It is easy to get locked into feeling upset once hindsight occurs. In daily life you have the chance to make changes, but after they die you cannot make the same amends.

The best outcome is to accept what happened and learn the lesson for next time. During the passing you were not functioning well and many things may been missed. Be gentle with yourself because you were struggling to get though every day at the time and in the months after they were gone.

Hindsight happens for everyone. Looking back always brings new realizations. However, you did your best under the circumstances. When you wish you had done more, forgive yourself.

Regret is tied in with hindsight. It is a distressing emotion and filled with disappointment and remorse. Many widowed people hold regrets rightly or wrongly.

Perhaps, you feel that you never did enough or you could have done better. It is normal to have such emotions. Forgive yourself.

I regretted that we did not have longer together and how quickly he died. It was terribly sad. Like hindsight, there was nothing I could do. I thought about the trips we could have done, the fact that new grandchildren were arriving and he would not hold them all added to the pile.

Regret haunts all of us. What if you had sent them earlier to the doctor? Why didn’t you spot it before? Maybe you should have done this or that. These recurring thoughts are normal. I tracked back time and time again. I wished it had ended differently. Having travelled down the loss trail several times I was well-equipped with the regret outcome. This time, I made sure I did everything possible to ensure there were no regrets. However, there were.

Your dreams and hopes are dashed with death and you have many regrets. Your love is gone and there is no future with them. Later on, the regrets fade and you begin to be grateful for what you had together.

Regrets are a form of mourning. During the passing, you may regret not doing all you wanted to do. Remember you did the best you could under trying circumstances. It is easy to look back in judgment. It may help to write out your regrets and then leave them to rest. Don’t beat yourself up about the regrets you have. Let them go.

Regret is water under the bridge.

Letting go of negative self-talk is necessary to move on. The past is over and no amount of second guessing change the outcome. Obsessing is common but fruitless. The only healing is to allow the regrets and doubts come to the surface and send them away.

Your love and good intentions are more important. Your intention was pure and you have to forgive yourself.

When the deceased person is difficult, it makes the passing difficult for others, and leaves a lot of damage. There may be countless regrets. Angry, inflexible individuals do not necessarily change when they are dying and become more loving. Many times, they leave a legacy of emotional damage, hurt, and pain.

Many people do have regrets because they are dying and there is time for resolution. However, issues often remain unhealed.

Death is a traumatic event; however, it happens. Rarely is the passing without fallout. Watching the suffering of a loved one is heartbreaking and life-changing. It took my son and me a long time to recover from the traumatic passing. These imprints never completely leave. You learn to live with them and hope they fade over the years. Although the death is only the last sentence in the person’s book of life, its effect on the ones left behind lingers.

Whenever I saw the last hours in the hospital, I let them go. Whenever regrets surfaced, I endeavored to let them go. I focussed on the enormous amount of love I showered on him, my family, and my marriage and saw those actions as healing.

Forgiveness for ourselves and others is the only solution and lightens the sense of regret we may have.