Music 

I used music like medicine and played sad songs, angry songs, and soul music. Music is a powerful form of healing. When I was terribly upset, I played the same song on repeat. Somehow, the music calmed me down. Often, I played it loudly and sang along.

Music is a powerful trigger in loss. Grief is a private experience and everyone has their memorable pieces of music. There were also our songs which made me cry as I heard them. The music you shared is harder to hear at the beginning. I remembered when we danced or listened to it together.

Music is a visual memory box of our lives. Old memories are rekindled as you play certain music. Be ready to face the emotions that surface. On the vulnerable days, I used music because it resonated with how I was feeling. However, on other fragile days I avoided certain music for the same reason.

On the bad days, I used calming music like 423 hertz or Tibetan bells. It settled my heart. This music is useful on the days you wake feeling sick and nauseous.

Music affects our heart and expresses what we have no words to express. Use it as part of your healing journey.

 

Chores

Allow yourself to have some chore free days or even weeks. Grief is a hard and relentless process which exhausts even the strongest person. Stepping back from the chores releases you from the constant number of things to do.

Perhaps you can leave the vacuuming and dusting till next week or close the door on that messy spare room. Giving yourself a break might have a very unusual outcome. I found that after a time-out I seemed to gather more momentum and was able to do much more cleaning afterwards. It was a welcome positive from the break.

You may decide to have a complete break from chores and either ask another person to do them for a while or pay someone to do them. This allows you to rest or concentrate on more pressing matters.

My heart and mind felt in chaos and often, so did my house. I would look at the build-up and not have the energy to tidy up. Letting myself leave it all and not feel guilty gave me time to recover. Instead of working for hours on chores, I broke them into smaller sections and did one or two chores each day. Then when I had my days off there was less to finish.

The chores will always be there however, you are more important. Nothing is more important than surviving the onslaught of issues loss brings to the fore. Be kind to yourself and simply be ‘lazy” on some days.

While you are in emotional chaos life goes on. The fatigue accompanying loss is crippling. Getting a meal on the table becomes insurmountable and hanging out the washing becomes an effort.

Be gentle and kind to yourself regarding this area. You are out of your depth emotionally. Even though a trip to the shop becomes the event for the day you find that you come home without the crucial items. Your mind is a fog.

Buy food online and have it delivered when going out is impossible. List the order of chores and only do the necessary ones. Make a list and put it on the fridge. Every day think about what needs to be done and use the little energy you have to set it in place. Maybe it means taking out a frozen meal and watering a few plants. Other days you can achieve five or six chores. On the good days, try to knock over as many jobs as possible.

Get an outside person to take some of the load, even if it is only for a few weeks or months. My kindly next-door neighbor mowed my front lawn and I really appreciated the gesture.

Grief knocks you off your feet. The high emotional toll plus lack of sleep and total lifestyle upheaval makes you unable to perform as before. Recognize what is possible and important to complete, and leave the rest for tomorrow.

Your emotional and mental health is more important than having a tidy house and well-planned menu for the week. See each activity in small terms. The washing up takes ten to fifteen minutes so do that and then rest. Instead of doing a long run of chores do them over the day and night. It may be strange to be washing floors at midnight, but while you are wide awake it is a fruitful use of time.

Eventually, you master this area and life returns to some kind of normalcy. However, be aware it takes weeks, months, and years to heal from the death of your partner. Be kind and not punishing about dirty dishes in the sink. Your life has changed dramatically and taking good care of yourself is more important than maintaining the status quo.

On the flip side, mindless tasks are healing because for a while you don’t have to think. It is a time out from your woes. Cleaning and sorting are a way of self-soothing. When you are upset and unable to focus these activities may help. The mindlessness is calming and provides a sense of achievement.

The action of cleaning symbolizes cleaning out old emotions. It gets rid of negative energy. Everything around is energy and with every shift, you move ahead. Scrubbing floors and sorting out drawers is productive and another avenue to change the energy.

Sorting out clutter is like putting your life in order and getting rid of the unnecessary. Being upset and not coping is exacerbated by mess. Inner mess reflected in external mess. By being in a clearer space, you feel clearer.

Loss challenges us to the core and you need to clean and sort only in areas that do not upset you. Washing a floor does not compare to washing the clothes of your lost loved one. Be careful to choose neutral cleaning jobs. Likewise sorting out the laundry cupboard is less problematic than the jumper collection of your missing partner. Keep these cleaning and sorting chores for another day.

An added bonus is a tidier environment and then you are not worried by drop in visitors.

After my husband died, I spent days alone and these jobs helped me. I only did them as needed and made no promises to myself to have them done in any order or time. Gradually, my home became easier to live in.

When we perform mindless activities our mind and heart have time to heal. It is like the issues and heartaches go to the back of the mind and this resting time creates a healing outcome. Often, we gain insights and have light bulb moments. Whenever the chores involve water the ability to being “tuned in “increases dramatically.

During loss there is clutter mentally and emotionally. However, when you clear your space, you clear your energy. 

 

Retail therapy

During the loss you may lose sight of what makes you happy. Happy is not part of your daily life as the grief clouds every hour. However, retail therapy has two positive outcomes. Buying something you love gives temporary happiness and satisfaction. Then when you have bought or ordered it online having something new arriving brings joy.

Using retail therapy makes a completely sad day a little better. Every week buy an item or small gift for you or someone you love. Make it part of the healing process. Having a brand-new product is like bringing the future into your world. New cushions, a new dress, or cooking utensil give another focus.

Some of your clothes might remind you of the times you had together. They were tied into places you visited as a couple or times you enjoyed together. Now this may upset you. Buy a couple of new dresses and tops that have no old memories and wear them instead on the dark days. It is a form of moving on.

When you are heading towards a special birthday, Christmas or anniversary buy a little gift for yourself which arrives around that time. It takes away the pain of having another celebration alone. I bought a couple of Royal Doulton Plates before Valentine’s Day. As a couple, we always went out for a special meal, bought cards, and a gift. Now this day is a lonely one. However, having my plates arriving day or two before changed the energy for me. Of course, I felt the sadness of the day, but at least there was a little sunshine in that week. Being prepared is wise because these occasions keep on coming and retail therapy lightens a gloomy time.

 

Happy Activities and Home Comforts 

Make a list of things you love to do. After the passing, you will be all over the place. List old and new ideas. Post them on the fridge and use them to add happiness to your day. Include buying items on line, joining interest groups, gardening, reading, painting, baking, and various pursuits like writing and exercising.

It is a time to re-evaluate who you are and what you love.

When you are terribly unhappy, it is easy to spiral down. A session of yoga or a few minutes running on the trampoline alters your energy and at least for a short time you are in a happy place.

Be mindful that it is important that while you are enjoying yourself try not to focus on the past or future. Just be in the now. Being happy changes your body chemistry and increases endorphins. Even short bursts of happiness build change.

Finding happiness amidst the gloom and doom takes effort, but the benefits are worth it

Listen to your inner voice and allow your home to nurture you. Surrounded by familiar sounds and places there is no pressure. My home helped me to heal. I could be exactly how I felt without anyone else to consider. Nearly every time I ventured out, I met someone and had to face it again.

As long as you do not hide there indefinitely home is good. There were days I did no housework and stayed in bed watching Netflix. I soothed myself with comfort foods and it lessened the stress. If I did not wish to answer the phone or front door, I didn’t.

Sleep when you want. Spent time luxuriating in the bath. Eat whenever you want and sit in the garden

Sometimes being home is the cure. Although you are not moving on physically, you are moving through difficult emotions and releasing them in a safe environment.

During home days nurture yourself and do not do anything difficult. Time out at home recharges and rests a weary heart.

 

Checking out and Doing Nothing

Checking out is a useful strategy. You are going through many emotions and anxieties and detaching into another world works. It is not denial, simply a coping measure.

Checking out means you stay on your own or stop doing the normal activities. Time stands still while you regroup. Perhaps you need weeks of this strategy and other times, a few hours are enough. During these spaces healing occurs on a deeper level. Although you are cleaning the house or absorbed in a trashy television show your heart and mind are readjusting.

There is nothing you can do to escape the passage of grief. The tunnel is long and some days the light at the end is hard to see. Consumed by emotions and fear[WE1]  you may have to stop in order to keep going.

When I checked out eating ice-cream and lying in bed watching movies, I knew it was doing me good. Having a break from the situation and tedium of forms and death certificates recharged me. It does not matter in this place what you do and how often. The important consideration is allowing yourself to be off-duty from your incredibly difficult life.

Checking out from the never-ending grief allows your mind and heart to settle and process the situation. When we are focusing on something else, we recalibrate the future.

Learn to love your checking out times. They strengthen and ground us. Whenever you need factor them in and embrace the respite.

Society is always expecting us to be involved in some activity. Therefore, doing nothing as a tool for healing sounds counter-productive. However, it is a wonderful way to deal with everything. Sitting looking out the window or lying alone in bed gives comfort. When you are on overwhelm, it is like a sanctuary.

After everything that has happened you may be totally spent. The exhaustion of the last months makes you slow and apathetic. Not sleeping properly does not help.

Unlike checking out, no activity is involved with doing nothing. It is like a healing meditation. Let yourself sit in the space until you feel like moving. Never feel lazy or guilty about doing nothing. The body is wise and this is the body resetting itself again.

As time passes, you may need less nothingness time.

Your first family may have encouraged activity all the time and you may feel guilty when resting. Remember that guilt is when you have done something wrong and there nothing wrong with being still and doing nothing. It is a powerful way to process our thoughts and emotions.

Being in the “nothing” space brings you back to yourself and recharges the soul.

---

 [WE1]

 

Change of location

Whether you move or not is your decision. However, if possible, try not to rush into any massive changes. Give yourself six months to a year before deciding. At the start, you are an emotional mess and making any big decision is unwise. Grief unbalances the body and the mind. When you are more settled look at whether moving is a good option.

The home or homes that you shared are full of memories. These memories are constant and the thought of living somewhere else can be appealing. Still, staying put gives stability in an unstable time. Regardless of moving home, you never escape the memories. They are in your heart and mind.

Changing location may be seen as moving on and with this intention you begin your new life. Instead of calling it the sea change, it becomes the grief change.

Now that your life is single your needs are different. Perhaps you want to expand your interests and need a bigger shed. A friend of mine is a blacksmith. He wanted to move to have a larger workshop. He had more time on his hands and his old shed was too small. The move helped him move to a better work location.

Sometimes, we decide to move closer to our family. Loss is lonely enough without being far away from those that we love. Instead of a total move, you may choose to rent out your home and rent the new place. Then you can try it out first. Our society is very transient and you may move only to find that your family changes jobs and moves away.

Do whatever makes you happy and gives you peace. It is your life now.

 

Medication and Counselling

Going through loss is challenging. Not being able to sleep, eat, and lack of focus happen in the beginning. High anxiety and symptoms similar to fear are rampant. Your doctor may be able to provide medicine to help you through this phase. Normally, medication is short- term, but depending on your circumstances you might need it long-term. If you need it, use it. It may be the difference between coping and falling apart.

After nursing someone through a long illness you are physically, emotionally, and mentally spent. Medication during the weeks, months, and years before they pass can help. When the person dies suddenly you may need sedatives to cope with the overwhelming shock. It is not a weakness to use medication to survive.

The grief cycle is tumultuous and life-changing. Pharmaceuticals serve a purpose and allow you to heal and function.

Alternatively, you may choose to use herbal medicines as well or instead of western medicine. Choosing herbs, teas, and natural products works too. The strength may not be the same, but the side-effects are less.

It is your journey and sometimes, others make judgements and give ill-considered advice. Decide what is best for you. Only when one walks the path do they truly understand what is needed.

Bereavement counselling is a great idea. You may get stuck in the process and a skilled counsellor can make a difference. It is not a sign of weakness to get counselling; it is looking after yourself.

Go for as long as you need. It may take a few sessions to many. The time is not important. Moving through your grief and having support is why you go. By talking to someone outside of your circle of family and friends allows to you to be totally honest. With those close to us, we may hold back and not want to upset them. However, the counsellor is removed from our personal life and does not have to see us socially. You can say what you like to them. It can be liberating.

Bereavement is a life tragedy and is unlike other situations. By visiting a specialist, you are able to focus on the problems and emotions in hand. Different coping methods are suggested by them and it is a place where you are free to be your whole self.

There are counsellors in real life or you may use a phone or online service. By expressing your emotions, you are able to work through it. Over time, your load becomes lighter. Whether you tell others or not about your sessions is your choice. Sometimes, simply having another person unconnected to your life is all it takes.

Counselling is healing and enables you to work through tough challenges and look at other ways of dealing with your situation.

Fresh eyes bring a new perspective when we are recovering.

 

Healing Your Grief

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

Memories flood in day and night. Some are happy and comforting, while others are disturbing and unsettling. After a traumatic passing, the bad memories may come more frequently than the good ones.

Generally, you are suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress. It takes time for the terrible memories to fade. As the weeks and months pass, they become less and their vividness fades. However, there were some awful memories that I continued to have even after time had passed. You may have to accept this sad reality.

As you heal, the good memories return and the funny stories or positive times come into your mind. Grieving is a conflicting experience and the most pressing emotions like sorrow, anger, and fear may cloud you. However, the healing is beginning when you remember your loved one and smile, instead of constantly crying.

Looking at photos has two sides. It makes you long for the past or gives comfort. I found the photos upset me and I kept the albums away until I felt stronger emotionally. You need to decide what is best for you.

Everywhere you go you remember and it is something that is difficult to contain. Before you know you are back there thinking about the last time you did this or that as a couple. I accepted that it was part of the grief process and simply let it go. When the upsetting memories returned, I consciously shut them out. I did not have to revisit everything over and over again. The past was gone and focussing on previous events kept me from living in the present.

You need to decide how you wish to deal with sections of your grief life. Neither way is better than the other. This is your journey, your lost relationship and you make the rules. Others can comment, but they are not standing where you are.

At the beginning, your grief seems like a rocky river. Everything is moving fast and your emotions are heightened. This acute phase lasts for a few months. Then a strange feeling occurs. It is like the surface becomes seemingly calmer, while beneath a raging torrent runs. It is there all the time as you journey through the next stage of loss.

The tears subside somewhat and the agitation settles. However, now your grief is submerged and as life goes on, it appears like you are getting better. This time is deceptive. The dust may be settling, but the deeper emotions of sorrow, loss, fear, and anger manifest in this strange manner.

I could literally feel the subterranean grief. The volume of the emotions was turned down, but they still had power. It was the quietness and dark reality which confronted me. I talked and laughed, but inside I carried a massive amount of hidden grief.

You may experience this phenomenon. It is a weird and silent reminder of the deeper healing. At first you deal with the top emotions and the power of them. Afterwards, the core feelings begin to circulate in you. Often, no one sees them because you appear more like your old self.

After loss, we are always changed. That part of heart that loved them is not the same.

Although it is good you are moving through the process the drawback is that others think you are better. In fact, you may be worse. The pain of loss sits sadly in your being.

I felt a constant misery inside. Of course, I was getting used to my lonely existence and could cope with the changes. However, the undercurrent of sadness was hard to bear. It was like tears had settled in my soul. I kept releasing the emotions, but the blanket of sadness appeared to stay the same.

Being aware of the subterranean grief helped me manoeuvre through the times ahead.

Everyone deals with the loss of a partner differently. However, there are a few usual responses.

Those who cannot face it get lost. It may be for weeks, months, or years. They live in the past and never let go of the person or their longing for them. Although the person has died, they are still in a couple relationship. Many die single and alone.

Some people are very needy and rely on others a lot. In some cases, their family moves in or they go and live with them because they cannot cope. It hits them hard and without aid, they cannot get through it.

Then there are the strong survivors. The pain is as powerful for them, but they seek to be self-reliant and not bother others. They cry in private and appear to be better than they actually are.

Another group never talks about it. They lock the emotions and their past life away. It is as if they were not together. When the subject comes up, they avoid it and change the subject.

Some become clinically depressed and cannot break out of the trauma of loss. Then we may need professional help.

You may experience many of these grief styles during your recovery or only use one. However, while each is individual, they have the terrible and unbearable pain underpinning them. It is simply our different ways to cope with such a life-changing experience.

 

Your Virtual World and Grief Forums

Nowadays we have the mobile phone, texting, messaging, and Skype/Facetime and these devices have helped us to connect instantly.

After your partner dies, you will feel very lonely because the daily connection with your loved one is gone. Instead of constant companionship, you may sit alone morning, afternoon, and evening. Sometimes, the entire night you are awake.

Having people to communicate with makes a huge difference to our emotional health and recovery. Try to speak, text, or Skype/Facetime with someone every day. A well-timed phone call may be the difference between falling into the void and making it through the day.

I made an effort to connect with two to three people on most days. I reached out and sent a text, called them, or emailed a short note. These practices kept me from feeling totally alone. The sadness was still inside of me, but this simple action made every day feel better. I was honest and said I was okay. I did not use the word good or fine because that was untrue. During the time we connected I did not worry about how messy I was. It is best to honest. No one expects you to be on top of it all. However, remember to show genuine interest in their world too. Grief is consuming and remind yourself to show interest in their life as well.

By making connections, your world feels full of family, friends, and love. Often you can be lucky and others make extra connections via phone, text, and messages. These communications help to keep you from feeling so alone. When the message or call comes through you feel instantly loved and appreciated. I know of one loving person who sent a kiss via text every day to her widowed friend. Another called to ask about a recipe, even though she was really calling to reach out. These acts of love give us the strength to make it through.

Make an effort to remain in the real world by using everything at your disposal to be close with those who you love. When it is their time of difficulty, you can repay them.

Without my family and friends, I would not have recovered as quickly and been able to smile as soon as I did. Their loving presence made all the difference, especially on the days I was drowning.

No one can save you, but they can hold you up until you become stronger.

There are countless hours to fill once your live-in partner dies. You go from being in a couple to being completely single. The hours you spent together cannot be shared with your family or friends. The early mornings and evenings till dawn are peak times.

Investing in a virtual life pays dividends. With the net people and sites are available twenty-four hours a day. These connections fill those empty hours. Use forums, messaging, and chat rooms. Build up a new set of people.

Often, we are awake during the night and a little chat soothes the soul. The grief forums are wonderful and any interest you have can be explored.

Using YouTube gives instant connection with people, while we increase our knowledge or enjoy music. Having someone to talk online is like having a real conversation. Another human voice comforts and makes us feel less alone.

The nights are lonely and the void is looking right at you. Having a few family members and friends to ring at night helps enormously. I had several people I could ring and it saved many a bad evening.

Work out who is there for you. Then do your calls at night. Somehow the day is easier to fill, whereas night-time is harder. Try to spread your calls out through the week and on less busy times. I often tried to talk to a few people every week. I also texted during the evening. A well-timed text reply makes the void less daunting.

Some people are happy to chat because they are also alone or single. They are the perfect night call friends. Other people love to talk and are in relationships in which phone calls at night are not a problem.

Family members and our adult sons and daughters are usually more available at night. Save your calls with them during these times.

The nights can seem long and confronting. A loving phone call brings light and love into a sad space. Sharing your day and having a few laughs lightens your grief. After these calls, the night seems shorter and better.

We all need love and connection, especially during the tough times. With loss, you miss the strong connection you had with your loved one. These night connections help.

By joining a grief forum, you belong to a special section of the community. Death of a loved one becomes your connection point. Grief forums allow you to write anonymously and in time, meet people who may become friends. These forums allow open dialogue about the deluge. Simply venting or asking for advice gives special support, especially by talking to others going through the same trials and tribulations. Healing others heals us and by offering love and support back you find a new meaning in your world. Surviving loss takes time and the help along the way moves us through in a place of love and understanding.

Generally, at first you are victim to your circumstance. After the death you are faced with a myriad of issues on a personal and home front. It is overwhelming. You may feel powerless to your changed environment. Although family and friends are doing their best, they do not know how it feels. You may be lucky and know a few people who have gone through a similar process, but you can’t rely on them too much.

In addition, being able to connect twenty-four hours a day allows us freedom to talk and get support. Our family and friends tell us to ring any time. However, most of us would not wake them up at four in the morning because we are upset. This is when an online forum is great. Simply writing on the page lets us express ourselves and connect with another group of people who are awake.

The forum is there for as long as needed. You may stay a relatively short time because life takes on another direction. However, you may be there for years.

Grief it is a lonely path to walk. Therefore, joining a support group is a wonderful idea. At last, we have support and help from people just like us. We connect with others who truly understand how we are feeling and know personally how to respond. It is great to find an avenue of expression because everyone is going down a similar road. No emotions are censored and encouragement and wisdom are given.

I joined several groups for my own healing and to hear issues that arose for others. It was cathartic to read my counterparts experiencing problems that I was encountering. During my time, I met some interesting people and found a new friend. There are lots of people on the net and the reach is large and wide. With all their stories there is always someone in a similar place to you.

I met a great guy in America who had recently lost his wife after four decades of marriage. We clicked immediately and understood each other although being complete strangers. We remain the best of friends years after. It was true blessing for me.

There are many sites and some offer special support chat rooms, especially for Christmas Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. when it more challenging.

Check out the grief forums online and get the extra help you need.

 

Family and Friends

No one can walk through the grief for you, but they can walk by your side. Hopefully, your family and friends are along the journey with you. The time of loss is significant so take the support that is offered. Some members come in close, while others stand back. Be aware and accept this truth. Not everyone is able to deal with grief on any level. Sometimes, their lives are busy and they are on their own version of overwhelm

In addition, we all offer differing forms of help. Some family members wish to talk it through, while others want to avoid the obvious. At the beginning, there may be lots of support, but as the months pass, it lessens. There are few who walk the entire path of grief with us. Be grateful for these loving souls.

Loss is a personal journey, but you do not have to do it alone. Others offer new insights and bring to your attention different strategies of coping and give you hope. Some help is emotional support and other versions manifest as assistance with practical aspects. All are valid measures of love and support. Perhaps your brother never mentions the your grief but fixes your lawnmower. See behind every action.

How much you confide in your families also changes the outcomes. At the start, you have to come to terms with the terrible loss. Often, when they were ill for a while you know that they are going to die. However, if the loss comes suddenly, you may be numb or in denial.

Always remember you are the one who is feeling their passing the most, not others. You are the most heartbroken one. Unless you have lost a partner, you can never truly understand the magnitude of grief felt as a widow or widower.

People come from their own perceptions and have a certain view because of where they are standing. Be aware that the advice or comments others make may be mind focussed, not coming from the heart.

Understand that love manifests in many ways and be grateful for any assistance given.

Friendships are built on love and trust. They are similar relationships to family but without some of the complications. Many times, what you tell your girlfriend is not the same as your mum. There is less screening with close friends and because you are often similar ages or come from similar backgrounds, it is easier to speak openly. With family, we may not speak as honestly because we want to protect them or ourselves.

Friends are good gauges of how well you are coping. They provide a good reflection on how they think you are. Listen and take on board suggestions given. In every bit of advice, there is some truth. Listen and then decide. During this time, your centre is wobbly and it is easy to miss things.

Getting more sleep, eating properly, or going out more are valuable suggestions. However, if you know that emotionally you are unable to socialize it is okay to decline. Your emotions are telling you to be alone and heal. However, on other occasions socializing is a better way to move to the next level.

Grief ebbs and flows. An invitation yesterday seems great until you wake up the next day in a blubbering mess. Some emotions have to ridden alone or in front of mindless television with loads of comfort food. There is a mask people wear socially and on the dark days even that cover is not enough. Our true friends understand that giving you space is the best gift for now.

Also be aware of controlling friends who want to live through your drama. They may attach and want to run your life. This is not friendship; this is power and control. Resist being bullied, even by a seemingly good friend.

Healing is a personal path. Some of us love having many people around to give support, while others prefer more time alone.

Your family and friends are the support vehicles during a torrid time. Embrace their presence.

Year 2 - Losing a Loved One

 

Apathy and Fatigue

Loss may affect your drive. Apathy sneaks in and you can’t be bothered doing anything or seeing any one. You are indifferent and have no interest in anything.

For a time, this is normal and understandable. However, apathy may linger and then it is not a healthy choice. Apathy is a sign of no movement. For short periods of the day, it is fine, but weeks on end make you sink lower.

During an apathetic phase, I did not care less. It included completing tasks, tidying the house, and showing motivation for anything. This condition was completely alien to me. Upon reflection, I felt with so much emotional turmoil that it was a place to recoup. The nothingness was like time-out from my crazy world.

Apathy is like depression.

Although apathy maybe a sign of depression, it is also a state of the heart and mind. When I could not care less there was less pressure. My “who cares” response was authentic. With my life in turmoil, apathy was a refuge. While others have their ideas on what you should do and where you should go, I did not care less.

Apathy gives respite from everything that is wrong with your life. It does not solve anything and eventually, you move out of it. Later on, your drive and passion return and the days of apathy lessen.

Be patient with this reaction and wait until it goes. Apathy is not dissimilar to the numbness you may have experienced.

Soon after they die, you may be incredibly tired and it may last for weeks. To fortify yourself stay in bed longer, eat well, and do nothing that adds stress to your day. On the bad days, stay home and do whatever gives you comfort.

There is definite a feeling of fatigue with loss. Dealing with the grief and other emotions is stressful. Sleep and eating are affected and you are walking in a fog. Some of the fatigue is depression and as you heal this improves.

Loss knocks you over energetically. Some days I would lie in bed and look out of the window or watch television like a zombie. Many of you have also gone through torturous weeks or months before the loss, especially from a lengthy illness. Your reserves became low and with the death, it’s a further blow.

The negative emotions connected to loss tire you. Carrying sad feelings leaves little room for joy and positive thoughts. The dark clouds are too encompassing.

Allow the fatigue to be and do whatever helps. Later on, your energy will increase, but while you are weakened be careful. Make breakable appointments with friends and keep away from shopping centres and any large gatherings.

Fatigue is a real outcome from loss and needs to be addressed. I felt like a shell of myself and was so tired. It was a deep tiredness and even sleep did not make it go away, particularly in the first weeks alone. I limited my activities and tried to rest as much as possible until it lessened.

Holding on strong through the months or years before they die is exhausting. Once it is over it as if the fatigue can be felt and we can get the rest.

 

 Fear, Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Grief may manifest as fear. It is a scary path to tread alone. I was scared of everything, especially in the beginning. The fear was strong and unrelenting. All of a sudden, I was alone and responsible for everything, as well as the way I was feeling. Fear like this is crippling.

Once you realize that the emotion you are experiencing is fear, then going through is easier. Grief stresses the body and mind and makes you scared. Most fear comes from the daily grind of moving through loss. There is fear attached to being single and not having your rock with you. Fear of being solely responsible for the decisions and the money concerns weighs heavily. Instead of having another close person, you are alone. When you have been in a close shared partnership the fear of being alone is palpable. The longer you have lived as a couple, the more entrenched are the dependency behaviours.

Take a breath and progress slowly. There is always help on hand and you are never truly going solo.

Often the death is a terrifying ordeal and leaves you reeling. Unlike the gentle and orchestrated passing showed on television, some last memories are disturbing. Fear manifests from these traumatic situations.

Be gentle with yourself because although no one talks about the fear, it is definitely a massive obstacle during the first few weeks and months. Initially, I did not understand that I was experiencing it. Grief has many emotions and I had not fully realized that my general uneasiness was simply fear.

You may have fear of living alone, being able to cope, losing your mind, and being able to figure out the chores surrounding the death. In the small hours, you may wake up scared and sick to the stomach. The fear is from the grief. However, once you accept your fears, you can put them to rest.

When I had a fearful time, I went back into survival mode. In the next few hours or days, I utilized my calming down techniques. As time passed the fear lessened, but when I was triggered, it came back in full force. Calming herbs, medication, deep breathing, and release work help. On the bad days, don’t attempt anything. Rest and do nurturing activities. Once the fear abates you can catch up with what needs to be done.

Never underestimate the effects of fear. It is crippling. However, know that you are capable of moving past it and coming into a calmer place.

Loss is a fearful and unknown territory and challenges your existence. Waking up with anxiety and nausea it usual. The feeling is horrible and may last for days. The anxiety and nausea may begin during the dying process and continue after the death. When you have these emotions, they usually connect into a worrying part of the death process. You know that you are being foolish and overreacting. However, these emotions are difficult to harness.

The worse times are when you are alone, pm and am. The lack of distraction and other people promote anxious thoughts and sickening feelings.

Grief is like being on a terrifying wave never knowing when or if you are going to crash. It rocks your soul to the core.

There are helpful drugs to alleviate these emotions and you can use them when it seems appropriate. Herbs, meditation, and Emotional Freedom Tapping may also lessen it. By managing these seemingly irrational emotions, you may feel calmer. Use what works for you.

You may experience your first panic attack while you are going through the grief journey. The feelings of loss make you fearful and anxious. Your entire world is crumbling before your eyes and everything is making you nervous.

Panic attacks start quickly and the trembling, sweating, nausea, pounding heart, feeling detached, shortness of breath, tingling sensations and dizziness are a few of the symptoms. They may last for a few seconds or hours. It is a surreal and scary experience.

When we are threatened, the body goes into fight or flight. These sensations are not under our control. However, once we understand what is happening, then we can find ways to cope.

Previously, I was unaware that loss triggers panic attacks. Although I knew about them and had dealt with them in my past, I was unprepared for them now. However, once I recognized how I was responding I could relate it to the grief. The smallest problem could set me off and some days it took ages to settle down. The higher my level of loss that day, the more vulnerable I became. Lack of sleep and constant worry and anxiety precipitated many attacks.

Breathing and slowing down helps. Taking time out from the trigger gives you time to rest and regroup. When I thought something might begin an attack, I walked away or refused to do the task. One of my sons asked me to collect a doctor’s letter concerning my husband’s death. While I was on the phone, without warning the nausea rose in my stomach and I felt physically sick. I said I would collect the letter and finished the phone call. Immediately afterwards, I realized that I was heading towards a panic attack. Straightaway, I rang back and told him I could not do it. Afterwards, I began to calm down. All the flashbacks of the passing continued for the next day, but by stopping myself from going back to the doctor’s rooms it stopped another panic attack.

It is not a sign of weakness to have panic attacks. Loss is the hardest and most gruelling life journey you can have. Take care of yourself and as soon as you see the signs step back and regroup. The world will cope without you and it is a self-nurturing action. Unless you have walked this sad and shaky path you cannot comprehend the way it changes the foundation of your life.

Being a Mess during Grief

 

Solitary life

Being widowed is a solitary life. You do everything alone and the days and nights are long. As the months pass, this solitary time does get easier on some level. However, it also becomes harder to bear. The repetitive nature of your life is gruelling. I was tired of doing it all on my own. Although I was more skilled at doing the necessary tasks, it was tiring and I felt sad.

Of course, you may connect with others and keep yourself busy, but underneath the pain and constant aching remains. The single life brings some benefits and there is a kind of freedom. You can do whatever you want with few constraints. However, there is a cost.

Unless you have lived this life, you will not understand the upheaval it causes. I was faced with myself every day and the passing of time did not change that reality.

Be kind to yourself and know that the pining you feel is true and real. No one ever talks about pining, but that is how you feel. I ached to be in a couple relationship. My nature was not a solitary one and I loved living with others. This was the first time for four decades that I was totally alone and it was awful.

You do adjust, but it is a non-life because of the obvious emptiness. No one and nothing actually fill that emotional crater. Keep positive and endeavor to make the most of a raw deal, but never feel weak or guilty for disliking the solitary life.

Loners may cope better, but even they will pine and suffer.

In all experiences, there are lessons and living alone makes us stronger and more resilient. However, I would not choose it as my lifestyle. I am not cut out to live a solitary existence. Still, it is my lot and I need to make the most of the life I have.

Weekends can seem everlasting and challenging. At the beginning the weekend may feel like a whole week unless you plan ahead. Try to do something on at least one day. If possible, fill Saturday and Sunday. My first weekend experiences were disastrous. I felt terribly lost and alone. In addition, being a family and couple time, I was less likely to want to invade the personal space of others.

Plan to see someone for coffee or an outing. Although it only fills a few hours, it breaks up the two days. I had weekends that were totally empty and so I decided to go shopping on one of the days. I also took myself out for coffee or off to the garden shop. Saturday nights were particularly barren and I made sure I watched a movie, read a book, or rang a friend.

Single and widowed people are the most available. They may also be rattling around and their time is not as limited. Some single groups meet on weekends and joining them is a great idea.

Nothing replaces your partner but having spent every weekend together I found this time the hardest to deal with. I felt more alone and disconnected from others.

Plan ahead and when you have no social outings with people go to the shops or for a walk.

Reinventing yourself presents certain problems. You have to search back into your soul to discover the real you. One outcome from being in a long-term relationship is that you have done less of your single activities. After the loss, it makes you look at yourself in new light.

I was free to be whoever I wanted to be without the couple aspect to consider. This was liberating and daunting. Initially, it saddened me because I missed being married. However, I had no choice. I was here alone.

As the bereaving time moves ahead you are left with many decisions. One of the biggest ones is who am I now? I asked myself what I liked and wanted to do. I began with a list of what I loved to do now and before when I was younger. Then I set about exploring those interests. I hauled out my old treasures and began to change the whole house. All my blue and white china came out as did my crystal collection. I renewed my former interests and purchased several items to begin my new hobbies.

It took a while to develop my areas of interest, but bit by bit I emerged and began to manifest my true self. During this time of growth, I worked on every aspect of who I was. I looked at my current relationships and former pastimes. I basically trawled back into the past and brought back whatever I had loved before.

Gradually, my home looked more like me and the energy changed dramatically. In my case, it was a reflection of my femininity and soul nature. I rediscovered subjects that had always fascinated me and googled more.

The parts of my personality I wished to get rid of I worked away at removing. The parts I wanted to embrace and make bigger I did the same. I wanted to be a better more loving person through this terrible ordeal and love myself and others more.

 

Anxiety and Fear from Grief

 

 

Couples and Singles

Couples press all our emotional buttons. Seeing couples everywhere brings up lots of emotions. You wish you were that couple and it reminds you of that time. You wish you had not lost your partner and the reality that time has gone with your loved one and it hurts. Perhaps it feels unfair that you missed out on those extra years. Although not all couples are happily in love, there are aspects of the couple relationship you no longer have access to. Of course, you may meet a new person, but the loss of our loved one remains in our heart.

Seeing couples is probably the hardest outing. The empty chair always reminds you of your loss and it is upsetting. Added to that, you are single now and travelling there alone and coming home is distressing. If it helps try to go to outings with others and return that way too.

Many couples are very supportive and embrace your single status. I noticed that when we were together everyone felt the loss of the person. My relationship with my friends also altered. Relating as one person changed the conversation and connection.

However, going out with couples may make you feel more alone instead of comforting you. Couples who relate as couples make this dynamic worse. Some couples respond as two single individuals and they are easier to be with.

Often, couples completely avoid you once you are single. The structure of your former friendship relied on four people, not three. When the strongest dynamic is with the person who has died, then the whole thing disintegrates. I had several couple relationships, but once my partner died, they ceased to relate to me. Do not take it personally because being single changes many old relationships.

Value the couples who take you into their hearts and take the time to support you. They may not know what you are going through, but their love and kindness is immeasurable.

Single friends have some understanding of the alone life. They can be a source of help and availability. I liked being with single people because there were many opportunities for social contact. Being alone without loss is different, but it does share similar lifestyle issues.

While you are hurting from loss connecting with both couples and singles gives support and stability in an unstable period of your life.

 

Avoiding stress

Going through grief is stressful enough without adding more to your day. You will have different aspects of life and different people who stress you. Your reactions to situations are the clue. When you feel agitated and unable to cope that is stress. Learning to be aware of these stresses helps.

Lessen your stress, especially on the bad days. Work out who are the family and friends you feel stress with. Then only contact them when necessary or when you are up to it. Recognize the scenarios in which you feel uncomfortable and avoid them. If they are unavoidable, only go for a short time or cancel at the last minute when your resources are low.

Be free to use your cancellation card. All my friends and clients knew that I could bail out if necessary. I saw this as looking after myself and allowing the grieving process to unfold naturally. There were days I was not functional and dinner was merely a sandwich. The phone was not answered and I shut myself in away from the world. I was, in fact, healing. Other days were easier and I sailed through them and was able to accomplish more than I thought was possible.

Take stock of what is needed and what is not. We often work on old patterns not questioning whether it suits us now. Old stresses are easy to see, however new stresses emerge in the mourning phase and they challenge us. The will, the extra work load, paying bills, and general running of the household are lone projects you have to address. Get help and advice to lessen the stress and learn how to do the new areas of your life.

I had days off. I did not check the post or my emails. I allowed a day off without opening letters addressed to my husband or having to answer more emails regarding his death. During the first few months, I kept away from funerals and the news. Life can be managed this way. The timeout helped me rebalance and be at peace. I used herbal teas and relaxation techniques to build up my strength. Being alone enabled me to come back to myself and be in a stress free place.

Stress is avoidable but only when you see it and find ways to navigate around it.

There are several practical ways to avoid stress. Keeping away from difficult or draining people is the best solution. Drama queens also need to be avoided. Grief creates a huge amount of internal stress and negative or tiring individuals are too hard to cope with. Being on your own is a better choice. Try to see people who are calm and positive and make you feel better.

Write out a list of what is stressing you. The list may contain the little stresses as well as the big ones. Then endeavor to minimize them in your daily life. The stresses change as you move through the weeks and months, however some are constant.

Delegating jobs helps to lessen your load and it is good to have support. Lots of people like to give help and show their support. A task which is confronting for you is easy for them. You are the one struggling and trying to cope, whereas they are in a better emotional space.

Avoid crowds and any event that cause you stress. Grief is unpredictable. On the low days avoid the stress and stay home. Try to keep away from funerals or hospitals until you are stronger. Change your route if driving past the place where they died is near you. All these strategies keep your stress meter from going up.

Walk away from conflict and deal with messy situation only when you are up to it. This is not being weak; it is taking care of you. No one is going to understand how you feel inside. Therefore, you need to make decisions that support your peace.

Stress is part of life, but we are able to monitor how much we allow into our world. Your resources are low and emotionally you are vulnerable. Take care of yourself.

 

The Void

There is a void after loss. An emptiness that no one or nothing fills. Living in the void is the price you pay for the loss of a loved one. I found that the void times were worse in the morning and evening. Somehow, I distracted myself better during the day.

I dreaded the void. Every day I knew I would face it and I never felt prepared. In the first few weeks, certain days were like an eternity. Going to bed early worked, but not always. In the middle of the night, the void was harder. There was nobody to talk to and nobody to hug. I ached during these never-ending nights.

In an attempt to fill the void, try to plan activities ahead and save your phone calls for the void days. A well-timed call, surfing the net, and social media are lifesavers.

On particular days when you are emotionally messy, the void is difficult to cope with. Your emotions are strong after loss and the demons get to you more easily. There are times when you fill the void with endless tears and that is normal. The void is unavoidable and in time, you learn to fill it with life. However, the loss of a loved one is never truly filled and with this understanding, it is easier to cope with.

Don’t be hard on yourself during the days or weeks when the void is present. You are struggling with many issues and your resources are low. Sometimes, you sail through the day and felt elated to be making progress, only to fall into the void again.

In the end, there will always be an empty space in your life where your loved one stood. Accept that when you have loved another, it is okay the space remains. However, life goes on and we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to live as fully as we can.