Music 

I used music like medicine and played sad songs, angry songs, and soul music. Music is a powerful form of healing. When I was terribly upset, I played the same song on repeat. Somehow, the music calmed me down. Often, I played it loudly and sang along.

Music is a powerful trigger in loss. Grief is a private experience and everyone has their memorable pieces of music. There were also our songs which made me cry as I heard them. The music you shared is harder to hear at the beginning. I remembered when we danced or listened to it together.

Music is a visual memory box of our lives. Old memories are rekindled as you play certain music. Be ready to face the emotions that surface. On the vulnerable days, I used music because it resonated with how I was feeling. However, on other fragile days I avoided certain music for the same reason.

On the bad days, I used calming music like 423 hertz or Tibetan bells. It settled my heart. This music is useful on the days you wake feeling sick and nauseous.

Music affects our heart and expresses what we have no words to express. Use it as part of your healing journey.

 

Chores

Allow yourself to have some chore free days or even weeks. Grief is a hard and relentless process which exhausts even the strongest person. Stepping back from the chores releases you from the constant number of things to do.

Perhaps you can leave the vacuuming and dusting till next week or close the door on that messy spare room. Giving yourself a break might have a very unusual outcome. I found that after a time-out I seemed to gather more momentum and was able to do much more cleaning afterwards. It was a welcome positive from the break.

You may decide to have a complete break from chores and either ask another person to do them for a while or pay someone to do them. This allows you to rest or concentrate on more pressing matters.

My heart and mind felt in chaos and often, so did my house. I would look at the build-up and not have the energy to tidy up. Letting myself leave it all and not feel guilty gave me time to recover. Instead of working for hours on chores, I broke them into smaller sections and did one or two chores each day. Then when I had my days off there was less to finish.

The chores will always be there however, you are more important. Nothing is more important than surviving the onslaught of issues loss brings to the fore. Be kind to yourself and simply be ‘lazy” on some days.

While you are in emotional chaos life goes on. The fatigue accompanying loss is crippling. Getting a meal on the table becomes insurmountable and hanging out the washing becomes an effort.

Be gentle and kind to yourself regarding this area. You are out of your depth emotionally. Even though a trip to the shop becomes the event for the day you find that you come home without the crucial items. Your mind is a fog.

Buy food online and have it delivered when going out is impossible. List the order of chores and only do the necessary ones. Make a list and put it on the fridge. Every day think about what needs to be done and use the little energy you have to set it in place. Maybe it means taking out a frozen meal and watering a few plants. Other days you can achieve five or six chores. On the good days, try to knock over as many jobs as possible.

Get an outside person to take some of the load, even if it is only for a few weeks or months. My kindly next-door neighbor mowed my front lawn and I really appreciated the gesture.

Grief knocks you off your feet. The high emotional toll plus lack of sleep and total lifestyle upheaval makes you unable to perform as before. Recognize what is possible and important to complete, and leave the rest for tomorrow.

Your emotional and mental health is more important than having a tidy house and well-planned menu for the week. See each activity in small terms. The washing up takes ten to fifteen minutes so do that and then rest. Instead of doing a long run of chores do them over the day and night. It may be strange to be washing floors at midnight, but while you are wide awake it is a fruitful use of time.

Eventually, you master this area and life returns to some kind of normalcy. However, be aware it takes weeks, months, and years to heal from the death of your partner. Be kind and not punishing about dirty dishes in the sink. Your life has changed dramatically and taking good care of yourself is more important than maintaining the status quo.

On the flip side, mindless tasks are healing because for a while you don’t have to think. It is a time out from your woes. Cleaning and sorting are a way of self-soothing. When you are upset and unable to focus these activities may help. The mindlessness is calming and provides a sense of achievement.

The action of cleaning symbolizes cleaning out old emotions. It gets rid of negative energy. Everything around is energy and with every shift, you move ahead. Scrubbing floors and sorting out drawers is productive and another avenue to change the energy.

Sorting out clutter is like putting your life in order and getting rid of the unnecessary. Being upset and not coping is exacerbated by mess. Inner mess reflected in external mess. By being in a clearer space, you feel clearer.

Loss challenges us to the core and you need to clean and sort only in areas that do not upset you. Washing a floor does not compare to washing the clothes of your lost loved one. Be careful to choose neutral cleaning jobs. Likewise sorting out the laundry cupboard is less problematic than the jumper collection of your missing partner. Keep these cleaning and sorting chores for another day.

An added bonus is a tidier environment and then you are not worried by drop in visitors.

After my husband died, I spent days alone and these jobs helped me. I only did them as needed and made no promises to myself to have them done in any order or time. Gradually, my home became easier to live in.

When we perform mindless activities our mind and heart have time to heal. It is like the issues and heartaches go to the back of the mind and this resting time creates a healing outcome. Often, we gain insights and have light bulb moments. Whenever the chores involve water the ability to being “tuned in “increases dramatically.

During loss there is clutter mentally and emotionally. However, when you clear your space, you clear your energy. 

 

Retail therapy

During the loss you may lose sight of what makes you happy. Happy is not part of your daily life as the grief clouds every hour. However, retail therapy has two positive outcomes. Buying something you love gives temporary happiness and satisfaction. Then when you have bought or ordered it online having something new arriving brings joy.

Using retail therapy makes a completely sad day a little better. Every week buy an item or small gift for you or someone you love. Make it part of the healing process. Having a brand-new product is like bringing the future into your world. New cushions, a new dress, or cooking utensil give another focus.

Some of your clothes might remind you of the times you had together. They were tied into places you visited as a couple or times you enjoyed together. Now this may upset you. Buy a couple of new dresses and tops that have no old memories and wear them instead on the dark days. It is a form of moving on.

When you are heading towards a special birthday, Christmas or anniversary buy a little gift for yourself which arrives around that time. It takes away the pain of having another celebration alone. I bought a couple of Royal Doulton Plates before Valentine’s Day. As a couple, we always went out for a special meal, bought cards, and a gift. Now this day is a lonely one. However, having my plates arriving day or two before changed the energy for me. Of course, I felt the sadness of the day, but at least there was a little sunshine in that week. Being prepared is wise because these occasions keep on coming and retail therapy lightens a gloomy time.

 

Happy Activities and Home Comforts 

Make a list of things you love to do. After the passing, you will be all over the place. List old and new ideas. Post them on the fridge and use them to add happiness to your day. Include buying items on line, joining interest groups, gardening, reading, painting, baking, and various pursuits like writing and exercising.

It is a time to re-evaluate who you are and what you love.

When you are terribly unhappy, it is easy to spiral down. A session of yoga or a few minutes running on the trampoline alters your energy and at least for a short time you are in a happy place.

Be mindful that it is important that while you are enjoying yourself try not to focus on the past or future. Just be in the now. Being happy changes your body chemistry and increases endorphins. Even short bursts of happiness build change.

Finding happiness amidst the gloom and doom takes effort, but the benefits are worth it

Listen to your inner voice and allow your home to nurture you. Surrounded by familiar sounds and places there is no pressure. My home helped me to heal. I could be exactly how I felt without anyone else to consider. Nearly every time I ventured out, I met someone and had to face it again.

As long as you do not hide there indefinitely home is good. There were days I did no housework and stayed in bed watching Netflix. I soothed myself with comfort foods and it lessened the stress. If I did not wish to answer the phone or front door, I didn’t.

Sleep when you want. Spent time luxuriating in the bath. Eat whenever you want and sit in the garden

Sometimes being home is the cure. Although you are not moving on physically, you are moving through difficult emotions and releasing them in a safe environment.

During home days nurture yourself and do not do anything difficult. Time out at home recharges and rests a weary heart.

 

Work and Leisure 

When possible, keep aiming to work. Work stabilizes and takes your mind away from the ongoing loss. However, at the start it may not be an option. Unless you are functioning well consider time away.

I took off a few months during the worse part. Initially, I tried to go back, but the yo-yo effect of grief meant I never knew when I was operational. I gave myself this time to heal. As I improved, I added the type of work activity that I could manage without feeling pressured.

Healing is a slow process and unpredictable. The waves of emotions make life messy and uncertain. When I decided not to work it was frustrating because I loved to work and it gave me an escape from the constant pain. However, the downside was my inability to perform adequately.

Instead, I worked on other areas and rechannelled what energy I had there. I made lists of jobs and activities that were doable.

We function differently through grief situations and you have to be true to yourself. Make the best decision for you.

Focus on healing and see whether work helps or hinders it.

Leisure time is a dangerous place where your demons may surface. Perhaps, you spent leisure time with your lost love and now you are alone. Therefore, doing the same activity brings much sadness. I tried to do daily walks through my local park, but the memories and number of tears I shed while walking was not worth it. In time, I knew I would resume walking but not in the early stages.

However, some leisure pursuits work well and have no effect on you emotionally. Pursue these. Adding new ones is beneficial and allows expansion in your new world. When it is a group activity, you meet new people and arrive as a single person, instead of half of a couple.

Joining singles groups is an option. However, initially your broken heart may be unable to face fronting up alone. You may not be ready to tell others you are widowed. You are unsure how you will handle it.

Wait until you are ready. Let your emotions settle. Then venture out.

 

Depression and Despair

Depression is a massive outcome with loss. All the issues we face when we are depressed may surface. At first, I did not comprehend how depressed I was. It was only as the weeks passed by that it finally dawned on me.

Depression is a difficult emotion because it permeates your entire life. The fatigue, apathy, sleeping problems, eating, and low mood impact on every moment. However, as you adjust and begin to accept your loss and rebuild your world, the depression lifts.

Although you hanker for how it used to be your life is completely different. In this new place, you are alone and everything is a challenge.

When I realized how depressed I was I began to implement change. To heal myself I used uplifting herbs and ginseng to fortify my body. Tapping helped enormously as did Qigong and exercise. I made sure my diet included fruits and vegetables, as well as a few treats. There is a direct correlation between the brain and the gut. New research is finding that our mood and our digestion are intrinsically linked.

Instead of focussing on doom and gloom, I allowed those thoughts and emotions to come up and then I let them go. We forget how much power our mind has if we let it run unchecked. By rewriting our internal script, we allay the darker aspects from manifesting.

There is a saying that you are as happy or unhappy as you chose to be. Even though it sounds simple and possibly unattainable right now, you do possess the power to steer yourself into a positive space. There is always suffering around. However, the amount of focus you give this suffering is entirely in your control.

Crying and feeling sorry for yourself is a cleansing action, but it is no good getting stuck there. The idea is to feel the emotions, clear them out and move ahead.

Depression involves stagnation, so any movement forward from a physical, emotional, or mental space is beneficial. For some of us there much to move out and it may take longer. However, every release and shift bring us into a happier place.

I tried as much as possible to be positive in my negative space. It felt weird because my inner and outer world were falling apart. Still, enjoying my morning coffee or watching the night skies gave me momentary pleasure and joy.

Keep letting the depression go and be replaced with love, peace, and joy. Your intention to move it makes it shift. You are the master of your life and how you view life is a choice. See this as a life experience, rather than a curse. On the positive side, your compassion for others along a similar journey increases and you recognize your ability to adapt.

We are what we feel and think. By planting happy thoughts and experiencing good emotions, we make less room for depression. Listen to the inner voice and change the dialogue when needed. It takes effort to rewrite our responses, but it is worth doing.

Nothing lasts forever, unless you never let it go.

Despair is the absence of hope. Going through grief makes us feel despair. The countless hours alone, the empty bed, and the missing partner gives little hope. You may feel like it’s all too hard and want to give up. You look ahead and see more lonely days stretching forever.

I felt massive despair during many long days and nights. I despaired I would never be happy again. However, gradually I tried to replace my hopelessness with positive thoughts. He was never coming back and I had to adjust to my new reality.

Some people never recover from loss. They simply resign themselves to their life and suffer in silence.

You are not losing your mind when despair hits. It is a normal reaction to a monumental change. You are tired and sad so wanting to give up is understandable. Reach out during this time and ask for help. Often, we need others to pull us out of the bog. Try to find some happy things to focus on and plan something good.

The death of a partner is nothing like the death of a parent or friend. Your soulmate is gone and you pine.

You will get better and the despair lifts. However, it is an awful feeling to endure.

 

Moving on from people

Going through tough times shows who are really there for you. Often, the realization is disappointing and hurtful. Once you are alone not everyone wants to give true support. Sometimes, old ones fade away and new friends emerge. For you, moving on may mean leaving some people behind. Even in the midst of grief, it is interesting how clear this area becomes.

In the end, it comes down to words and actions. Many people promise at lot, but that is all. Others show in action that they are standing with you through thick and thin.

Not everyone deals well with loss or death. They may be overwhelmed with their own situation and be ill-equipped to deal with any more stress. People who are emotionally stunted and avoiders will want to hide away.

People who show through actions are the best ones to have in your life. They ring and text often. They make time to see you and actually do help you with chores and give advice. Honor these individuals because they help to get you through one of the most difficult journeys you will ever travel. Accept offers of help and make the effort to see them regularly. These amazing souls have been put in your path to give love and support.

Be grateful to those loving souls who give support and let the others do as they wish. On the journey having others close helps enormously. You need help, but it is best to rely on the reliable. While your emotions are messy and you are fragile being let down is going to affect you too much.

I moved on from many who left me alone, regardless of our long history as friends. I knew they only wanted to be with me when I was the fun and helpful Wendy. It made me feel worse to be ignored by them, so I invested less and let them go. Later, I chose to be with people who loved me unconditionally and gave real support.

Less was more while I navigated the lonely path of grief. My true friends nourished me and understood. It was a better choice for me.

During loss you may lose family and friends. Not everyone wants to be there for the bad times. One of my closest friends abandoned me three days before my husband died. I was devastated. It happens.

Friendships are either strengthened or weakened in difficult times. It is best to let the ones who can’t or won’t support, go. Others will step into their places. Be open to new friends or people who return from the past. This is a time you need all the help that is offered.

Take some risks and venture out. Although I felt vulnerable, it was better to try and make connections. I found some wonderful people who helped me move through unchartered waters. They accepted me as a single person and were generous with their love, counsel, and time. No one replaces the one you have loved, but others help you through the tricky days.

Invest in the people who invest in you, especially when your life is in crisis. These relationships were strengthened through my loss. Just knowing when someone says that you can ring them day and night that they mean it is a gift.

The experience of loss ebbs and flows. It is like being swept along by a fast-moving river. However, having support along the journey means you move ahead safely and in love.

 

Change of location

Whether you move or not is your decision. However, if possible, try not to rush into any massive changes. Give yourself six months to a year before deciding. At the start, you are an emotional mess and making any big decision is unwise. Grief unbalances the body and the mind. When you are more settled look at whether moving is a good option.

The home or homes that you shared are full of memories. These memories are constant and the thought of living somewhere else can be appealing. Still, staying put gives stability in an unstable time. Regardless of moving home, you never escape the memories. They are in your heart and mind.

Changing location may be seen as moving on and with this intention you begin your new life. Instead of calling it the sea change, it becomes the grief change.

Now that your life is single your needs are different. Perhaps you want to expand your interests and need a bigger shed. A friend of mine is a blacksmith. He wanted to move to have a larger workshop. He had more time on his hands and his old shed was too small. The move helped him move to a better work location.

Sometimes, we decide to move closer to our family. Loss is lonely enough without being far away from those that we love. Instead of a total move, you may choose to rent out your home and rent the new place. Then you can try it out first. Our society is very transient and you may move only to find that your family changes jobs and moves away.

Do whatever makes you happy and gives you peace. It is your life now.

 

Healing Your Grief

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

Memories flood in day and night. Some are happy and comforting, while others are disturbing and unsettling. After a traumatic passing, the bad memories may come more frequently than the good ones.

Generally, you are suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress. It takes time for the terrible memories to fade. As the weeks and months pass, they become less and their vividness fades. However, there were some awful memories that I continued to have even after time had passed. You may have to accept this sad reality.

As you heal, the good memories return and the funny stories or positive times come into your mind. Grieving is a conflicting experience and the most pressing emotions like sorrow, anger, and fear may cloud you. However, the healing is beginning when you remember your loved one and smile, instead of constantly crying.

Looking at photos has two sides. It makes you long for the past or gives comfort. I found the photos upset me and I kept the albums away until I felt stronger emotionally. You need to decide what is best for you.

Everywhere you go you remember and it is something that is difficult to contain. Before you know you are back there thinking about the last time you did this or that as a couple. I accepted that it was part of the grief process and simply let it go. When the upsetting memories returned, I consciously shut them out. I did not have to revisit everything over and over again. The past was gone and focussing on previous events kept me from living in the present.

You need to decide how you wish to deal with sections of your grief life. Neither way is better than the other. This is your journey, your lost relationship and you make the rules. Others can comment, but they are not standing where you are.

At the beginning, your grief seems like a rocky river. Everything is moving fast and your emotions are heightened. This acute phase lasts for a few months. Then a strange feeling occurs. It is like the surface becomes seemingly calmer, while beneath a raging torrent runs. It is there all the time as you journey through the next stage of loss.

The tears subside somewhat and the agitation settles. However, now your grief is submerged and as life goes on, it appears like you are getting better. This time is deceptive. The dust may be settling, but the deeper emotions of sorrow, loss, fear, and anger manifest in this strange manner.

I could literally feel the subterranean grief. The volume of the emotions was turned down, but they still had power. It was the quietness and dark reality which confronted me. I talked and laughed, but inside I carried a massive amount of hidden grief.

You may experience this phenomenon. It is a weird and silent reminder of the deeper healing. At first you deal with the top emotions and the power of them. Afterwards, the core feelings begin to circulate in you. Often, no one sees them because you appear more like your old self.

After loss, we are always changed. That part of heart that loved them is not the same.

Although it is good you are moving through the process the drawback is that others think you are better. In fact, you may be worse. The pain of loss sits sadly in your being.

I felt a constant misery inside. Of course, I was getting used to my lonely existence and could cope with the changes. However, the undercurrent of sadness was hard to bear. It was like tears had settled in my soul. I kept releasing the emotions, but the blanket of sadness appeared to stay the same.

Being aware of the subterranean grief helped me manoeuvre through the times ahead.

Everyone deals with the loss of a partner differently. However, there are a few usual responses.

Those who cannot face it get lost. It may be for weeks, months, or years. They live in the past and never let go of the person or their longing for them. Although the person has died, they are still in a couple relationship. Many die single and alone.

Some people are very needy and rely on others a lot. In some cases, their family moves in or they go and live with them because they cannot cope. It hits them hard and without aid, they cannot get through it.

Then there are the strong survivors. The pain is as powerful for them, but they seek to be self-reliant and not bother others. They cry in private and appear to be better than they actually are.

Another group never talks about it. They lock the emotions and their past life away. It is as if they were not together. When the subject comes up, they avoid it and change the subject.

Some become clinically depressed and cannot break out of the trauma of loss. Then we may need professional help.

You may experience many of these grief styles during your recovery or only use one. However, while each is individual, they have the terrible and unbearable pain underpinning them. It is simply our different ways to cope with such a life-changing experience.

Year 2 - Losing a Loved One

 

Apathy and Fatigue

Loss may affect your drive. Apathy sneaks in and you can’t be bothered doing anything or seeing any one. You are indifferent and have no interest in anything.

For a time, this is normal and understandable. However, apathy may linger and then it is not a healthy choice. Apathy is a sign of no movement. For short periods of the day, it is fine, but weeks on end make you sink lower.

During an apathetic phase, I did not care less. It included completing tasks, tidying the house, and showing motivation for anything. This condition was completely alien to me. Upon reflection, I felt with so much emotional turmoil that it was a place to recoup. The nothingness was like time-out from my crazy world.

Apathy is like depression.

Although apathy maybe a sign of depression, it is also a state of the heart and mind. When I could not care less there was less pressure. My “who cares” response was authentic. With my life in turmoil, apathy was a refuge. While others have their ideas on what you should do and where you should go, I did not care less.

Apathy gives respite from everything that is wrong with your life. It does not solve anything and eventually, you move out of it. Later on, your drive and passion return and the days of apathy lessen.

Be patient with this reaction and wait until it goes. Apathy is not dissimilar to the numbness you may have experienced.

Soon after they die, you may be incredibly tired and it may last for weeks. To fortify yourself stay in bed longer, eat well, and do nothing that adds stress to your day. On the bad days, stay home and do whatever gives you comfort.

There is definite a feeling of fatigue with loss. Dealing with the grief and other emotions is stressful. Sleep and eating are affected and you are walking in a fog. Some of the fatigue is depression and as you heal this improves.

Loss knocks you over energetically. Some days I would lie in bed and look out of the window or watch television like a zombie. Many of you have also gone through torturous weeks or months before the loss, especially from a lengthy illness. Your reserves became low and with the death, it’s a further blow.

The negative emotions connected to loss tire you. Carrying sad feelings leaves little room for joy and positive thoughts. The dark clouds are too encompassing.

Allow the fatigue to be and do whatever helps. Later on, your energy will increase, but while you are weakened be careful. Make breakable appointments with friends and keep away from shopping centres and any large gatherings.

Fatigue is a real outcome from loss and needs to be addressed. I felt like a shell of myself and was so tired. It was a deep tiredness and even sleep did not make it go away, particularly in the first weeks alone. I limited my activities and tried to rest as much as possible until it lessened.

Holding on strong through the months or years before they die is exhausting. Once it is over it as if the fatigue can be felt and we can get the rest.

Being a Mess during Grief