Apathy and Fatigue

Loss may affect your drive. Apathy sneaks in and you can’t be bothered doing anything or seeing any one. You are indifferent and have no interest in anything.

For a time, this is normal and understandable. However, apathy may linger and then it is not a healthy choice. Apathy is a sign of no movement. For short periods of the day, it is fine, but weeks on end make you sink lower.

During an apathetic phase, I did not care less. It included completing tasks, tidying the house, and showing motivation for anything. This condition was completely alien to me. Upon reflection, I felt with so much emotional turmoil that it was a place to recoup. The nothingness was like time-out from my crazy world.

Apathy is like depression.

Although apathy maybe a sign of depression, it is also a state of the heart and mind. When I could not care less there was less pressure. My “who cares” response was authentic. With my life in turmoil, apathy was a refuge. While others have their ideas on what you should do and where you should go, I did not care less.

Apathy gives respite from everything that is wrong with your life. It does not solve anything and eventually, you move out of it. Later on, your drive and passion return and the days of apathy lessen.

Be patient with this reaction and wait until it goes. Apathy is not dissimilar to the numbness you may have experienced.

Soon after they die, you may be incredibly tired and it may last for weeks. To fortify yourself stay in bed longer, eat well, and do nothing that adds stress to your day. On the bad days, stay home and do whatever gives you comfort.

There is definite a feeling of fatigue with loss. Dealing with the grief and other emotions is stressful. Sleep and eating are affected and you are walking in a fog. Some of the fatigue is depression and as you heal this improves.

Loss knocks you over energetically. Some days I would lie in bed and look out of the window or watch television like a zombie. Many of you have also gone through torturous weeks or months before the loss, especially from a lengthy illness. Your reserves became low and with the death, it’s a further blow.

The negative emotions connected to loss tire you. Carrying sad feelings leaves little room for joy and positive thoughts. The dark clouds are too encompassing.

Allow the fatigue to be and do whatever helps. Later on, your energy will increase, but while you are weakened be careful. Make breakable appointments with friends and keep away from shopping centres and any large gatherings.

Fatigue is a real outcome from loss and needs to be addressed. I felt like a shell of myself and was so tired. It was a deep tiredness and even sleep did not make it go away, particularly in the first weeks alone. I limited my activities and tried to rest as much as possible until it lessened.

Holding on strong through the months or years before they die is exhausting. Once it is over it as if the fatigue can be felt and we can get the rest.

Being a Mess during Grief

 

Celebrations, Holidays, Traditions and Social Events

Celebrations are confronting during loss. Somehow, the contradiction with the happiness of the event and immense sadness of your loss makes having to be part of it conflicting. Celebrations may be general or specific. It does not matter because for you trying to manoeuvre through them is the trick.

In the first year after he died, I had several pivotal events. They included multiple family birthdays, Christmas, and New Year. I barely scraped through them as it was only a couple of months after his death. On Christmas Day, I sobbed from lunchtime until I feel asleep in the early hours. The first occasions are harder than you think.

Shield yourself as much as possible. The time for putting others first is gone. You are the one trying to find a way to function. Go to the celebrations when you want, but use the cancellation policy when necessary.

You can choose not to attend at any time. Stay home, eat ice-cream, and watch television. Not going one year makes no difference long term. Next year you will be stronger and more able to deal with happy celebrations. In the first few years, I cancelled Christmas in my house. No Christmas tree, no decorations and I stayed home on the day. It was my way of getting through an arduous time. Before the house was brimming with Christmas paraphilia. For me, it was a wise decision. I was not reminded weeks before of being alone again this year. After Christmas, I did not have to cry my way through packing up the tree and decorations.

We are grieving and can makes new rules and boundaries to keep ourselves stable. In time, we will return to ourselves. It will be a different self but a more compassionate and capable one.

Holiday times are challenging and may increase your sense of loneliness. Try to connect with others during these times. Previously, we probably enjoyed these breaks from normal life. Now they can be lonely and empty.

Before the holiday comes try to organize some outings to meet your family and friends. You may feel like everyone is occupied, but this is not always the case. On public holidays visit others or invite people over. During longer holidays periods go out to the shops and catch up with others. When you are able to go away for a change.

The holidays will also bring up past memories of holidays you shared together. All of a sudden you are remembering the last Easter together or the trip to the South Seas. Once the memories come flooding in it complicates the process. Be grateful you had these holidays and see them as a gift you continue to hold in your heart.

Like celebrations, holidays have a high degree of difficulty and being alone may compound this.

At the beginning, family events may be horrible. The missing person feels as large as life, even though they have gone. The empty chair, the empty place at the table, and the huge hole they leave. Family events may trigger you enormously.

Life does go on and you cannot avoid them for long. However, while you are struggling through the myriads of emotions and adjustments shield yourself from too much. The family events continue, regardless of your presence or not.

I felt disappointed because I could not bring myself to attend a few events. I wanted to come from the pleaser perspective, but personally I just could not handle it. There is guilt when you step away, but you are not doing anything wrong. No one else is going through the nightmare that you face every hour, day after day.

Do not be pressured and learn to say no. When you acquiesce, it only brings stress on you. Use the widow/widower card and cancel. Who cares what they think, they are not dealing with the loss like you are.

Losing a life partner is profoundly sad and terrifying. This massive change takes time to come to terms with and forcing yourself too soon may be detrimental to your recovery.

You will know when you are ready to face the family events. Then have the cancellation policy in place before you commit. I am glad I stepped back and was honest with myself and my family. I was incapable of doing what I had done before as a couple and that was okay. My life had been shattered and in a sad way, so had I.

In time, you heal and get stronger. It will not be like this forever. However, while you are hurting listen to your inner voice and look after yourself. The intuitive members of your family will give you the time and space needed. Those who cannot quite grasp it are made aware of your fragile state and that is good too.

Traditions may undo you during the first years. When you have spent years or decades going through your life with traditions, they will bring everything up. There are some which you may be able to wing your way through. However, never underestimate the power of loss.

It is fine to change your old traditions until you are fully recovered. This decision will not be forever and can give you respite. There may be comfort in the old patterns, but they can also spoil your day. When time has passed, your ability to weather them will be better. Your family is also going through a grieving time and they may want to alter the family traditions too.

There are many years ahead and a couple of missed years does not matter. Although it appears like opting out, you will be grateful with your decision. In the first years, I could not bear to do Christmas and New Year as before, so I changed it. No decorations, no tree, and no pudding. The days came and went and life went on. Not having to hold onto the old ways gave me a breather.

On my birthday and Christmas, I bought myself a gift to open on the day.

Later on, it becomes easier to fulfil the old traditions, but the first few years are very difficult and by making another choice eases the pain.

 

Using the Widow/ Widower and Cancellation Card

The widow card is the card you use when you don’t want to do something. It allows you to decline and not show up. Use the widow card to extricate yourself from stressful or undesirable events. I did not wish to travel and used it. I was not up to a funeral so I did not go.

Being widowed is a daily struggle and some days are definitely better than others. Underneath everything runs a river of unrelenting sorrow. Unless someone has been down this path, they cannot know how it feels. Only you do.

Pull out the widow’s card as often as necessary. Bear no guilt and make no excuses. Grief entitles you to tender, loving care and time out. As you move through the months and years you heal and need the card less and less. However, at the beginning you have to protect yourself and the best person to know how to do this is you.

Maybe you agree to an outing then change your mind. It is fine to chop and change because your emotions are shifting continually. I cried every day for a year and it made normal life difficult. The widow card saved me many times.

I wanted to be like before able to achieve anything I set my heart on. However, the crippling pain and loss knocked me over and I was a shell of myself. Be kind to yourself. You are facing a monumental loss and it will take time to heal.

The more you use the widow’s card, the more others come to realize that you are not a super hero.

Making a cancelling policy is also preventative healing. During the grieving period use the cancellation policy. Make arrangements with the understanding that on a bad day you may cancel. Loss is an up and down experience and takes you by surprise. When you have been a reliable person not being able to function means the old routines need to be altered.

I told my family and friends about my cancelation policy. When I began to work, I informed my clients that I may cancel.

Grief changed me. I was unable to cope like before and I never knew when the difficult days were coming. Having an escape plan allowed me to arrange times with others, while ensuring I kept myself safe. Broken sleep or those nights of no sleep were unpredictable, as were the days of tears.

Unless you have been through loss you do not fully comprehend its impact. Your coping resources are compromised and when the passing took months or years, you are already exhausted.

By telling people you might cancel gives them a reality check. The grief does not go away in a few months after the death. It keeps on going for you. Everyone else is getting on with their lives, while you are facing your new reality every day. The cancelling policy makes others aware of your continued fragility. Yes, you may be better and seem more healed, but underneath lots is still happening.

It is as if the grief is submerged but ever-present.

I rarely cancelled, but it gave me peace of mind to have the choice. It made me more aware of myself and checking in with how I was really feeling. When the event was looming ahead, I had a feeling about going or not and cancelled earlier. Other times, I thought I would not go, but I was fine on the day.

You need to be constantly in touch with your emotional and mental state to make good decisions.

Cancelling is not bailing out. It is taking care of yourself.