Celebrations, Holidays, Traditions and Social Events

Celebrations are confronting during loss. Somehow, the contradiction with the happiness of the event and immense sadness of your loss makes having to be part of it conflicting. Celebrations may be general or specific. It does not matter because for you trying to manoeuvre through them is the trick.

In the first year after he died, I had several pivotal events. They included multiple family birthdays, Christmas, and New Year. I barely scraped through them as it was only a couple of months after his death. On Christmas Day, I sobbed from lunchtime until I feel asleep in the early hours. The first occasions are harder than you think.

Shield yourself as much as possible. The time for putting others first is gone. You are the one trying to find a way to function. Go to the celebrations when you want, but use the cancellation policy when necessary.

You can choose not to attend at any time. Stay home, eat ice-cream, and watch television. Not going one year makes no difference long term. Next year you will be stronger and more able to deal with happy celebrations. In the first few years, I cancelled Christmas in my house. No Christmas tree, no decorations and I stayed home on the day. It was my way of getting through an arduous time. Before the house was brimming with Christmas paraphilia. For me, it was a wise decision. I was not reminded weeks before of being alone again this year. After Christmas, I did not have to cry my way through packing up the tree and decorations.

We are grieving and can makes new rules and boundaries to keep ourselves stable. In time, we will return to ourselves. It will be a different self but a more compassionate and capable one.

Holiday times are challenging and may increase your sense of loneliness. Try to connect with others during these times. Previously, we probably enjoyed these breaks from normal life. Now they can be lonely and empty.

Before the holiday comes try to organize some outings to meet your family and friends. You may feel like everyone is occupied, but this is not always the case. On public holidays visit others or invite people over. During longer holidays periods go out to the shops and catch up with others. When you are able to go away for a change.

The holidays will also bring up past memories of holidays you shared together. All of a sudden you are remembering the last Easter together or the trip to the South Seas. Once the memories come flooding in it complicates the process. Be grateful you had these holidays and see them as a gift you continue to hold in your heart.

Like celebrations, holidays have a high degree of difficulty and being alone may compound this.

At the beginning, family events may be horrible. The missing person feels as large as life, even though they have gone. The empty chair, the empty place at the table, and the huge hole they leave. Family events may trigger you enormously.

Life does go on and you cannot avoid them for long. However, while you are struggling through the myriads of emotions and adjustments shield yourself from too much. The family events continue, regardless of your presence or not.

I felt disappointed because I could not bring myself to attend a few events. I wanted to come from the pleaser perspective, but personally I just could not handle it. There is guilt when you step away, but you are not doing anything wrong. No one else is going through the nightmare that you face every hour, day after day.

Do not be pressured and learn to say no. When you acquiesce, it only brings stress on you. Use the widow/widower card and cancel. Who cares what they think, they are not dealing with the loss like you are.

Losing a life partner is profoundly sad and terrifying. This massive change takes time to come to terms with and forcing yourself too soon may be detrimental to your recovery.

You will know when you are ready to face the family events. Then have the cancellation policy in place before you commit. I am glad I stepped back and was honest with myself and my family. I was incapable of doing what I had done before as a couple and that was okay. My life had been shattered and in a sad way, so had I.

In time, you heal and get stronger. It will not be like this forever. However, while you are hurting listen to your inner voice and look after yourself. The intuitive members of your family will give you the time and space needed. Those who cannot quite grasp it are made aware of your fragile state and that is good too.

Traditions may undo you during the first years. When you have spent years or decades going through your life with traditions, they will bring everything up. There are some which you may be able to wing your way through. However, never underestimate the power of loss.

It is fine to change your old traditions until you are fully recovered. This decision will not be forever and can give you respite. There may be comfort in the old patterns, but they can also spoil your day. When time has passed, your ability to weather them will be better. Your family is also going through a grieving time and they may want to alter the family traditions too.

There are many years ahead and a couple of missed years does not matter. Although it appears like opting out, you will be grateful with your decision. In the first years, I could not bear to do Christmas and New Year as before, so I changed it. No decorations, no tree, and no pudding. The days came and went and life went on. Not having to hold onto the old ways gave me a breather.

On my birthday and Christmas, I bought myself a gift to open on the day.

Later on, it becomes easier to fulfil the old traditions, but the first few years are very difficult and by making another choice eases the pain.