The greater the loss, the more meltdowns we suffer.
The best outcome is to accept that it is unavoidable and not
a sign of weakness. Be kind to yourself. I expected the meltdowns to be easier
after a few months, only to find them getting worse. I hoped before I set off
for the party or shopping trip those previous hours of tears would “dry” me up.
However, it was not something that I relied on.
It is surprising with the amount of heartache around that
there are not more people crying in public places. Time is a great healer and
although meltdowns are annoying, they are good because they release pent-up
emotions. You find in time the episodes lessen in intensity, and there are
bigger gaps between them.
The more we loved, the bigger the buckets of tears. You have two
buckets. You lose the person and also the relationship. I cried every
day for months and months; morning, noon, and night. The tears were never
ending. I gave up trying to hold them back and simply cried them out. There
were loud, sobbing tears and silent, hot ones. Sometimes, it took a few minutes
and other days I cried for hours until my eyes burned and my face puffed up.
There are people who never cry and that is another issue.
Not being able to cry brings its own problems. A friend of mine wished she
could cry, but no tears came. She felt there was nowhere for her grief to
express itself. Later, she suffered from breast cancer and I wonder whether her
repressed grief manifested by getting ill.
It is normal to cry in private and then unexpectedly, in
public. There is no pattern or warning. Accept the tears will flow and arrive
whenever. In the beginning, I was embarrassed crying in public places and when
visiting family and friends. I kept apologizing. However, my son explained that
no one judged me. If anything, they felt compassion for me and were ready to
offer comfort.
The tears are physical manifestations of your love. Over time,
the bucket of tears empties somewhat and you cry less.
During the weeks and months, you may encounter what I call the grief
abyss. The grief abyss is way past normal daily grief. The abyss seems to
release your deepest and most excruciating grief. Falling into the abyss
happens without warning. You seem to be doing okay and then bang, it is abyss
time. I call it the abyss because the emotions are like nothing I had ever
experienced.
When it first happened, I felt terrible. It was a sorrow and
depth of despair like a massive, dark pit. Once in the abyss, I felt unable to
pull myself out.
It was unlike a meltdown, it felt like a breakdown.
After a couple of abyss experiences, I decided to let it all
out and be there until it ended. The pain was unbearable and I cried and sobbed
in a way I had never done before. My whole being ached and shook with the
grief. Despair and a sense of incredible loneliness swamped me.
You may try to circumvent the abyss, but letting it release
is better. Your emotions are genuine and inside of you. They are coming to the
surface in an attempt to be processed. Feeling them and allowing yourself to succumb
and weather it is better.
Often, the abyss occurs when you are alone at night or early
in the morning. Being alone is best. Then you are able to fully express your
hurt and misery without being on show.
Letting the emotions emerge and moving through is a painful
ordeal. The crying is different. It is as if your soul is crying tears of
unimaginable pain. Time is non-existent and you come out of it exhausted and
empty. I felt like I was dying emotionally. After a few episodes, I simply sat
in the abyss and allowed it happen. The next day I was “hung over” from the
whole experience. Instead of trying to be positive or normal, I gave the day to
the abyss and mechanically got through it.
More importantly, I managed to be with it and did not try to
control it. Surrendering was my best option. Every emotion is valid and
obviously, I was feeling what was deep inside of me. On a physical level, I
felt like my insides were coming out emotionally.
The abyss is cathartic and healing long term. However, the
hours you are in it are excruciating.
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