Many people give advice, but beware of blindly listening and
acting upon it. Sometimes, others have their own agenda or voice opinions
through their own filter. Those who use travel or a big night of bingeing to
comfort themselves may offer these as solutions. What is a solution for one
person is a terrible idea for someone else.
Your moods may go up and down, and when you lack sleep,
everything is worse. On those days, lessen your stress by checking out of daily
commitments. Retreating allows you to rebalance. On the continuous crying
days, do not venture out to the shops, ignore the mobile and do not answer the
door.
At the beginning, I wobbled around unexpectedly and felt
embarrassed in public places. Eventually, I stabilized, but it seemed to be hit
and miss. Read the signs and ask a close family member or friend when another
opinion is needed.
Wanting to be fine is not the same as being fine.
You may also be trying to use damage control to get you
through the process. Damage control is trying to make the best of a bad
situation. It manifests when we distract ourselves, ring a friend, go to bed
early, or bury ourselves in a book. In these situations, mitigating the damage
helps to work through the pain. It is like time-out from your world and
provides a little relief. The same emotions are running underneath, but you go
into another world for a while. Temporarily, I found it is a useful strategy. Loss creates massive emotional damage and damage
control becomes a form of mindfulness.
Everyone going through grief endeavors to minimize the pain.
When you are about to cry on the bus, you try to focus on another less sad
thought. You minimize telling your family how terrible your week was, or put on
a brave face during a social outing. Sometimes, you manage to soldier through
and lessen the tears, but not always. Damage control may work brilliantly, and then fail
dismally.
Like me, you may find that happy events trigger you more. Family events
bring to the fore the fact that your partner is not there to share this moment
with all of you. The empty chair is hard to bear. It is a silent,
deep sadness inside of your heart. On happy occasions, you do not want
to be the wet blanket sobbing in the corner. In situations when I was beginning
to meltdown, I simply excused myself and had a big cry out of sight.
Often, people will use [WE1] distraction
to stem your tide of grief because they don’t or can’t deal with it. They
change the subject, make jokes, and steer away from the obvious. I was usually
aware of this tactic and tried to hold back my feelings. But emotions have a
habit of spilling out, regardless.
During my grieving time, I tried to shut down my emotions to
make it easier for others. However, it was stressful being in such social situations.
I never knew when the tears would well up and take over. Once I began to cry,
it was hard to stop it. Staying home on the vulnerable days and not being with the
shutdown people was simpler than going and trying to hold back the tide.
With more compassionate and kind people, I felt like I could
be myself and these connections were more freeing and safe. When my tears came
out, it became a natural part of the visit, and I felt less stressed.
Don’t be surprised when you experience forgetfulness. After
loss, you may lose the ability to remember people’s names, use the wrong words,
can’t remember the word and generally, sound like an idiot. It happens to
nearly all of us. It is as if a part of your mind is lost and cannot find
itself again. I called people the wrong names, got lost mid-sentence, and
forgot what I was talking about. I had trouble remembering times, and doing what
I was supposed to.
The stress of grief confounds your brain. There is a sense of
being disconnected to situations and people. The emotional strain overtakes
reason. The shock of the death and the tumultuous change in your life, plus the
added fatigue and mixed emotions, make it worse.
Others noticed my disconnection and warned me to take care.
I was discouraged from driving the car on my bad days and from making any big
decisions. Listen when your family and friends bring your behaviour into
question. To them, you may look somewhat startled and wired. My sons alerted me
during the times I was like this and guided me through when it happened.
Basically, you are not yourself and do not appear present.
Listen to others and do not let stubbornness and pride override the situation.
The shock of loss manifests in many strange ways and this one is important
because you are not functioning in the normal range. Slow down when it happens
and recalculate as your GPS says. Although I felt frustrated, not everyone
noticed my mistakes. I simply renamed the person, began the sentence again, and
asked for the question to be repeated.
Being on overdrive after the death causes this temporary,
yet annoying state. The mind is processing so much it is like you cannot focus
as before. Do not think it is dementia or that you are losing your mind. It is
simply a result of the pressure being placed on you.
When we are going through a difficult period, our body
talks. Some mornings we may wake up feeling sick. It is not usual illness like
a cold or virus, just feeling unwell. This sensation is strong and may last for
days. It is usual to get ill especially in the first eighteen months after we
lose our partner.
Loss rattles us to the core and it is not surprising
becoming sick happens during the process. Many people catch the flu, have more
infections and generally suffer more health problems. The body is stressed
during the grief process and we are more vulnerable.
Visit the doctor if you need to and use medicine or herbs to
get well. Stress does strange things to the body and mind and losing your loved
one is probably one of the biggest stresses that we endure.
Taking a good vitamin pill, eating well and getting lots of
sleep are wise choices. Grief is a complex experience and all you can do is to
soothe and nurture yourself.
As you move through the months, the weird illnesses and
maladies lessen and your health improves. Often, I had a feeling that my
migraine or upset digestion were rooted in the grief. It is not unusual to have
strange stomach pains or skin rashes. A chronic health problem may flare up for
a while and then go as we heal.
In general, the way we feel impacts upon our health
negatively especially during the first stages of grief. Understand that you are
sick from the upheaval in your life emotionally, mentally and psychologically
which then manifests as health issues. The sick days lessen as you move through
the months.
As you calm down and begin the healing process, it passes
and eventually, you have days of clarity and stop calling your son by the dog’s
name. Time is all it takes.
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