Being Patient  

Recovery is a slow and painful experience. Practice patience.

Nothing is permanent, but during grief the pain and loss seem never-ending. Practice patience. I wanted the pain and the unbearable daily suffering to go away. I struggled being patient and kept begging for it to end.

However, the effects of loss cannot be taken away quickly. You want your old life back. You want to stop the misery. You want to run through it and find your happy place. On a level, I knew it will get better and the pain would lessen, however that was not how it felt every day.

Although you are struggling, your capacity to heal does become stronger. As the days and weeks pass, you come to accept your new life.

The more you let go of the negative emotions and accept that you are on your own, the sooner the healing. You are a work in progress. How much progress you make is less important than your intention to heal, however long it takes.

Everyone moves through grief in their own way. Do not compare yourself to others. The type of relationship you shared, the time spent together and the depth of love and connection factor into your recovery. Some individuals have great coping skills and seem to sail through the loss, while others become trapped.

Comparing your progress to others is useless. The variables are great and so are the different kinds of endings. Some individuals never find their peace, while others pass through quite quickly. There is a gauge which suggests two years are the worst. However, you might take more or less time.

You are allowed to take as long as you need. Nobody is feeling the way you are. Other people may observe you and make a judgment, but ultimately, you are the only person who knows where you are in the process. And having said that, during grief your rudder may be so wonky that even you are unsure where you are in the process.

How you react will help you to monitor your position in many areas. Have the yes, the no, and the most important one, not sure. I never knew from hour to hour, let alone day by day, how I was going. Do not commit or promise anything.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is time and choice.

Your family and friends want what is best for you. However, they are not you and not going through the upheaval that is now your life. Well-meaning support is not support unless you want it. On my first Christmas Day, I was a total crying mess. My friend wanted me to come over to their place, but I was in no shape to do so. They even offered to pick me up. Their intention was beautiful, but all I wanted was to be alone. My grief had built up so much that I was not functioning.

Therefore, being alone was the gift that I gave myself. In your aloneness you are able to release the tears and sorrow. Some emotions are powerful and being in your own space allows it to come out. The deeper the release, the more time you need alone. I cried and cried and cried. I had no energy to talk or deal with anyone else. You may have similar times.

When you are alone on these occasions it does not feel lonely. I felt content to be alone in my misery until it subsided. It was an act of self-love.