Shock, Numbness and Denial

At the start, Nature protects us and we may go into a temporary shutdown. There is more shock factor when the person dies unexpectedly, but regardless of the ending, it is hard to avoid the numbness and feeling of shock. I felt as if I was walking through a nightmare. I would wake in the morning and within a few seconds, the death would hit me. In a strange way, I seemed to be in it, while also observing everything around me.

Shock from the first terrible diagnosis till the passing may last for weeks and months. At the start, it was one shock wave after another. I was bombarded by the awful news of his terminal illness and then my change in circumstance.

Be aware that shock exhibits in strange forms. The shock may feel like a thunderbolt and morph into constant walls hitting you. Even after several months you may experience the shock waves again. They creep in and knock you over. Some days feel  like you are in a detached fog of disbelief. Slowly, the attacks lessen, however when they come know it is a sign of the enormous grief you are suffering.

Shock feels like being out of your body. Everything is happening around you and yet you keep waiting to wake up and find out it is a dream. Shock is particularly hard on the psyche. The body, nervous system, emotional body, and mind are seriously affected. Ask for help from others and cushion yourself and family as much as possible. Support, sleep, and good food strengthen you as you work your way through it.

Other people who knew your loved one will also be shocked. Be careful not to take on their reaction. In time, everyone comes to terms with death. Life moves on and the physical reality of their absence cannot be denied.

Nurture yourself and use whatever works. Medication, herbs, body work, and supportive people.

Numbness is different to shock. It is a form of lockdown. During periods in our life, we may experience numbness. It protects us from facing the truth. When I first had it, I was confused. All around me was falling apart and I could not feel anything. Numbness may last for a few days to years. The body always seeks to protect itself and it does so by shutting down.

There is no moving forward with numbness. You have to wait till it subsides. When you are used to being in touch with your feelings, it is strange to have no emotions.

Mother Nature shuts us down emotionally when we are super stressed. The numbness is an emotional aesthesia until we can handle the reality.

Numbness is normal during loss. The overload is too much to bear and when you are able you come out to face life and deal with your feelings. Everyone manages numbness in their way. Be patient with yourself.

Numbness is similar to denial. You deny what is too much to absorb or feel. As your strength increases and your equilibrium restores, the numbness slowly lifts. It is the emotional first-aid we give to ourselves in times of great emotional turmoil.

There are layers of denial during the loss and the aftermath. Denial serves to protect us. Nature has a wonderful way of keeping us safe. The first denial is the diagnosis. When I was told I shut down. I remember feeling like I was in a nightmare. I heard the words of the doctor and was totally shattered.

The next denial is facing where you are heading. You wake up during the night and in the morning only to remember the truth. Not wanting to accept or go through the process is normal. However, as the truth sinks in, you gradually come out of denial. Some people cannot accept the inevitable and try fruitlessly to save the dying person. They may blame the doctors, nurses, and hospital, but eventually they are forced out of denial.

Sometimes, family may blame the person for getting ill and that is a form of their denial and blame shifting.

We are mortal creatures and everyone dies. When your time is up, nothing will save you.

Denial may precede reconciliation. As the denial lessens, it allows unfinished business between the person who is alive and the one dying to be sorted out. During a passing, much healing and reconciliation is possible. However, when either party refuse to make their peace or heal the past, the issues remain. Then both parties have to deal with the two losses, the physical loss and the loss of reconciliation.