Music 

I used music like medicine and played sad songs, angry songs, and soul music. Music is a powerful form of healing. When I was terribly upset, I played the same song on repeat. Somehow, the music calmed me down. Often, I played it loudly and sang along.

Music is a powerful trigger in loss. Grief is a private experience and everyone has their memorable pieces of music. There were also our songs which made me cry as I heard them. The music you shared is harder to hear at the beginning. I remembered when we danced or listened to it together.

Music is a visual memory box of our lives. Old memories are rekindled as you play certain music. Be ready to face the emotions that surface. On the vulnerable days, I used music because it resonated with how I was feeling. However, on other fragile days I avoided certain music for the same reason.

On the bad days, I used calming music like 423 hertz or Tibetan bells. It settled my heart. This music is useful on the days you wake feeling sick and nauseous.

Music affects our heart and expresses what we have no words to express. Use it as part of your healing journey.

 

Retail therapy

During the loss you may lose sight of what makes you happy. Happy is not part of your daily life as the grief clouds every hour. However, retail therapy has two positive outcomes. Buying something you love gives temporary happiness and satisfaction. Then when you have bought or ordered it online having something new arriving brings joy.

Using retail therapy makes a completely sad day a little better. Every week buy an item or small gift for you or someone you love. Make it part of the healing process. Having a brand-new product is like bringing the future into your world. New cushions, a new dress, or cooking utensil give another focus.

Some of your clothes might remind you of the times you had together. They were tied into places you visited as a couple or times you enjoyed together. Now this may upset you. Buy a couple of new dresses and tops that have no old memories and wear them instead on the dark days. It is a form of moving on.

When you are heading towards a special birthday, Christmas or anniversary buy a little gift for yourself which arrives around that time. It takes away the pain of having another celebration alone. I bought a couple of Royal Doulton Plates before Valentine’s Day. As a couple, we always went out for a special meal, bought cards, and a gift. Now this day is a lonely one. However, having my plates arriving day or two before changed the energy for me. Of course, I felt the sadness of the day, but at least there was a little sunshine in that week. Being prepared is wise because these occasions keep on coming and retail therapy lightens a gloomy time.

 

Abandonment, Rejection, Neglect and Wallowing

Although you know the lost loved one has not abandoned you, it feels like they have. It is totally irrational response and yet you feel it. They are gone and you are left alone and bereft. There is sadness, loss, and anger.

Being abandoned taps into our little child. The fear and anxiety rise up and you are like a small, frightened child. When my husband died, I was devastated and lost. I felt alone and left behind.

On many levels, you are left here to fend for yourself and deal with the collateral damage. Uncertainty about your future and the feeling of devastation add to the stress. The truth is that the one left behind suffers in unimaginable ways. It is an hourly battle, especially at the beginning.

No matter how much time you have to get prepared when the person dies you discover how totally unprepared you are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Nothing prepares you for loss of this magnitude.

We may have yelled and screamed at the one who has gone and begged them to come back. It is a desperate time. However, the wailing and crying never brings them back to us. Loss is heartbreaking and seems never-ending.

However, as you grow and begin to cope with being alone the abandonment feeling diminishes.

Unless you go through the loss of a partner, you can’t understand how it really feels. Forgive people for seeming to reject you. It is not rejection but their inability to know how to handle the situation.

Sometimes they step back when you need them to step forward. This reaction is normal. Do not read anything sinister into it. You are wearing a wobbly antenna now and your judgement may be impaired. Accept the love and help from those kind souls who are there for you. Accept the behaviour of those souls who can’t or don’t know how to be there.

Although it feels like rejection keep in mind that you are emotionally very sensitive.

As a single person you are different. Without your partner the whole relationship with others changes. Some of us to adapt quickly and the transition is easy, while others take time to get used to it. The feeling of being rejected has more to do with their response to the grief than of you.

Embrace the nurturing ones and try not to focus on the others. Not everyone in your group of family and friends can be there. Although you are overwhelmed and need them, they are struggling too with the death.

I had a lightbulb moment with people. I began to see them as they truly were. I realized that narcissistic and selfish individuals did not care about how I felt. It was not personal. They never care about anyone except themselves. You are not alone with these individuals because everyone is treated in the same unloving manner.

During loss it is a hard reality to face. It might be the first time in your relationship with them that you were the one in need. When the light bulb came on it was disappointing. However, unconditional love teaches us to accept others and their flaws. Let them go and live their lives and remember not to depend on them. Their words are merely words. Ask someone who is unselfish and shows love and support through actions. Selfish individuals are not bad people. However, they do hurt others due to their self-absorption and lack of empathy.

The grief process highlights many parts of your life and the light shines on areas you may not have seen before.

The one common issue you may suffer is emotional neglect, perceived or real. Grief creates a chasm emotionally and locks you into a prison of sadness. In these situations, you may feel emotionally neglected by others. It is obvious to you that Christmas, birthdays, New Year, and anniversaries are a nightmare emotionally. However, unless you are fortunate and have a few good people around, you can be neglected during these pivotal times.

Try not take it personally. Empaths or widows and widowers are aware, while self-absorbed people cannot see past their own needs and wants.

On the days you felt neglected nurture yourself and ring a supportive friend. Instead of focusing on the empty hole left by neglect, fill it with self-soothing activities.

During the loss, many family members are unable to process their own emotions, let alone support another. It is natural to lean towards family, however asking someone who is drowning to give help may be fruitless. In addition, denial is a strong component with people who are emotionally neglectful. Everyone works through loss in their way and time. It is not unusual for others to shelve the whole situation and face it years later. It seems that the further out from the loss, the easier it becomes to avoid.

The widow or widower is living the reality every hour whether they want to or not. There is nowhere to hide. However, sons and daughters are often removed from the family home and have already left the nest. Disconnection makes avoidance more likely.

Although you feel emotionally neglected, try not to take it personally. Being angry when you are neglected is normal. Still, try to see the bigger picture and not punish them. Forgive them and move on. I decided to detach from those who were neglectful. I sent them love and let go of my expectations.

Wallowing is allowing expression of your deepest and darkest emotions. Wallowing is not always avoidable. Trying to keep positive is admirable, but grief consumes everything. Although wallowing has negative connotations, it is a natural outcome. Allowing your emotions to be felt and expressed is healthy.

Loss is a particularly deep and life-changing event. The losses are not only the obvious ones. You lose a life shared together. Your entire world is different. The past is lost, but so is your future as you saw it. The person you wanted to be with today and tomorrow is not there. The loneliness is heartbreaking.

There is some research which indicates wallowing gives us time out from having to cope. By crying and having a prolonged meltdown, you let go of the stress created by the grief situation. I wallowed for hours and sometimes, for days. The heavy sadness weighed me down and took time to release. Of course, I tried to let my feelings go, but the painful emotions were undeniably powerful. Emotions spill out and run into every part of your soul. You hurt everywhere and it is dreadful. The terrible pain comes up into your throat and pours out. Try to see wallowing as a vehicle in which everything pours out.

Wallowing is honestly how you feel. Never judge or blame yourself for wallowing. The only way through grief is feeling it as it comes to the fore. I wallowed and let it all come out. Resist the temptation to shut down the experience because it is a powerful way to release your deepest emotions. Wallowing may be done around others, however mostly it is done in private.

 

Trust and Asking for Help 

Surprisingly, trust becomes an issue during grief. I did not trust that I would survive the ordeal. It felt insurmountable to me. I am sure you have felt the same enormity and fragility. Due to my messy and unstable condition, I felt unable to rely on my ability to make wise decisions. My usual coping skills were stretched simply making it till lunchtime.

People offer help, but you can’t work out who to trust and rely upon. Many people say they are there to give support, but when you ask, they are too busy. It is not your fault because you trusted what they said was true. In the end, it is what others do, not what they say they will do. Use this as a gauge, rather than believing them naively.

Some family and friends stay and others slide into the shadows. Everything is shifting beneath your feet and it feels insecure. Take a step back and give yourself time to reassess.

The fog lifts over time and remember that your antennae are not broken, simply a bit wobbly. I tried to make decisions and do tricky tasks on my better days. My ability to order the right items or remember to pay a bill were compromised. The old reliable me was gone. My trust in my abilities was challenged, so I enlisted others to help me or to check what I had done was right.

Trust makes us feel secure and grief makes us feel insecure.

Asking for help is difficult. When you are used to depending on one person or yourself, it takes a shift to ask for assistance. The one person you could always rely on is gone.

At first, it scared me. How could I possibly do everything on my own? Then I came up with a plan. The man/woman in the van. I attempted to fix what I could and then I got help by calling the man/woman in the van. They were the experts in the chosen field and he or she could solve it. By knowing there was outside help, I felt less stressed. One phone call or text meant I was not alone. Luckily, I also had a son and a few friends who helped a lot.

Once I came to the realization that in fact, I was surrounded by assistance I felt relieved and supported. In the future, I can repay the any favours done by my family and friends.

Whenever the nervousness and anxiety rise remind yourself that you have support. Anxiety and worry diminish once we find a solution.

There are various changes after loss of any kind. The props that held you up might be gone, but you can be resourceful and resolve all problems.

 

Checking out and Doing Nothing

Checking out is a useful strategy. You are going through many emotions and anxieties and detaching into another world works. It is not denial, simply a coping measure.

Checking out means you stay on your own or stop doing the normal activities. Time stands still while you regroup. Perhaps you need weeks of this strategy and other times, a few hours are enough. During these spaces healing occurs on a deeper level. Although you are cleaning the house or absorbed in a trashy television show your heart and mind are readjusting.

There is nothing you can do to escape the passage of grief. The tunnel is long and some days the light at the end is hard to see. Consumed by emotions and fear[WE1]  you may have to stop in order to keep going.

When I checked out eating ice-cream and lying in bed watching movies, I knew it was doing me good. Having a break from the situation and tedium of forms and death certificates recharged me. It does not matter in this place what you do and how often. The important consideration is allowing yourself to be off-duty from your incredibly difficult life.

Checking out from the never-ending grief allows your mind and heart to settle and process the situation. When we are focusing on something else, we recalibrate the future.

Learn to love your checking out times. They strengthen and ground us. Whenever you need factor them in and embrace the respite.

Society is always expecting us to be involved in some activity. Therefore, doing nothing as a tool for healing sounds counter-productive. However, it is a wonderful way to deal with everything. Sitting looking out the window or lying alone in bed gives comfort. When you are on overwhelm, it is like a sanctuary.

After everything that has happened you may be totally spent. The exhaustion of the last months makes you slow and apathetic. Not sleeping properly does not help.

Unlike checking out, no activity is involved with doing nothing. It is like a healing meditation. Let yourself sit in the space until you feel like moving. Never feel lazy or guilty about doing nothing. The body is wise and this is the body resetting itself again.

As time passes, you may need less nothingness time.

Your first family may have encouraged activity all the time and you may feel guilty when resting. Remember that guilt is when you have done something wrong and there nothing wrong with being still and doing nothing. It is a powerful way to process our thoughts and emotions.

Being in the “nothing” space brings you back to yourself and recharges the soul.

---

 [WE1]

 

Depression and Despair

Depression is a massive outcome with loss. All the issues we face when we are depressed may surface. At first, I did not comprehend how depressed I was. It was only as the weeks passed by that it finally dawned on me.

Depression is a difficult emotion because it permeates your entire life. The fatigue, apathy, sleeping problems, eating, and low mood impact on every moment. However, as you adjust and begin to accept your loss and rebuild your world, the depression lifts.

Although you hanker for how it used to be your life is completely different. In this new place, you are alone and everything is a challenge.

When I realized how depressed I was I began to implement change. To heal myself I used uplifting herbs and ginseng to fortify my body. Tapping helped enormously as did Qigong and exercise. I made sure my diet included fruits and vegetables, as well as a few treats. There is a direct correlation between the brain and the gut. New research is finding that our mood and our digestion are intrinsically linked.

Instead of focussing on doom and gloom, I allowed those thoughts and emotions to come up and then I let them go. We forget how much power our mind has if we let it run unchecked. By rewriting our internal script, we allay the darker aspects from manifesting.

There is a saying that you are as happy or unhappy as you chose to be. Even though it sounds simple and possibly unattainable right now, you do possess the power to steer yourself into a positive space. There is always suffering around. However, the amount of focus you give this suffering is entirely in your control.

Crying and feeling sorry for yourself is a cleansing action, but it is no good getting stuck there. The idea is to feel the emotions, clear them out and move ahead.

Depression involves stagnation, so any movement forward from a physical, emotional, or mental space is beneficial. For some of us there much to move out and it may take longer. However, every release and shift bring us into a happier place.

I tried as much as possible to be positive in my negative space. It felt weird because my inner and outer world were falling apart. Still, enjoying my morning coffee or watching the night skies gave me momentary pleasure and joy.

Keep letting the depression go and be replaced with love, peace, and joy. Your intention to move it makes it shift. You are the master of your life and how you view life is a choice. See this as a life experience, rather than a curse. On the positive side, your compassion for others along a similar journey increases and you recognize your ability to adapt.

We are what we feel and think. By planting happy thoughts and experiencing good emotions, we make less room for depression. Listen to the inner voice and change the dialogue when needed. It takes effort to rewrite our responses, but it is worth doing.

Nothing lasts forever, unless you never let it go.

Despair is the absence of hope. Going through grief makes us feel despair. The countless hours alone, the empty bed, and the missing partner gives little hope. You may feel like it’s all too hard and want to give up. You look ahead and see more lonely days stretching forever.

I felt massive despair during many long days and nights. I despaired I would never be happy again. However, gradually I tried to replace my hopelessness with positive thoughts. He was never coming back and I had to adjust to my new reality.

Some people never recover from loss. They simply resign themselves to their life and suffer in silence.

You are not losing your mind when despair hits. It is a normal reaction to a monumental change. You are tired and sad so wanting to give up is understandable. Reach out during this time and ask for help. Often, we need others to pull us out of the bog. Try to find some happy things to focus on and plan something good.

The death of a partner is nothing like the death of a parent or friend. Your soulmate is gone and you pine.

You will get better and the despair lifts. However, it is an awful feeling to endure.

 

Moving on from people

Going through tough times shows who are really there for you. Often, the realization is disappointing and hurtful. Once you are alone not everyone wants to give true support. Sometimes, old ones fade away and new friends emerge. For you, moving on may mean leaving some people behind. Even in the midst of grief, it is interesting how clear this area becomes.

In the end, it comes down to words and actions. Many people promise at lot, but that is all. Others show in action that they are standing with you through thick and thin.

Not everyone deals well with loss or death. They may be overwhelmed with their own situation and be ill-equipped to deal with any more stress. People who are emotionally stunted and avoiders will want to hide away.

People who show through actions are the best ones to have in your life. They ring and text often. They make time to see you and actually do help you with chores and give advice. Honor these individuals because they help to get you through one of the most difficult journeys you will ever travel. Accept offers of help and make the effort to see them regularly. These amazing souls have been put in your path to give love and support.

Be grateful to those loving souls who give support and let the others do as they wish. On the journey having others close helps enormously. You need help, but it is best to rely on the reliable. While your emotions are messy and you are fragile being let down is going to affect you too much.

I moved on from many who left me alone, regardless of our long history as friends. I knew they only wanted to be with me when I was the fun and helpful Wendy. It made me feel worse to be ignored by them, so I invested less and let them go. Later, I chose to be with people who loved me unconditionally and gave real support.

Less was more while I navigated the lonely path of grief. My true friends nourished me and understood. It was a better choice for me.

During loss you may lose family and friends. Not everyone wants to be there for the bad times. One of my closest friends abandoned me three days before my husband died. I was devastated. It happens.

Friendships are either strengthened or weakened in difficult times. It is best to let the ones who can’t or won’t support, go. Others will step into their places. Be open to new friends or people who return from the past. This is a time you need all the help that is offered.

Take some risks and venture out. Although I felt vulnerable, it was better to try and make connections. I found some wonderful people who helped me move through unchartered waters. They accepted me as a single person and were generous with their love, counsel, and time. No one replaces the one you have loved, but others help you through the tricky days.

Invest in the people who invest in you, especially when your life is in crisis. These relationships were strengthened through my loss. Just knowing when someone says that you can ring them day and night that they mean it is a gift.

The experience of loss ebbs and flows. It is like being swept along by a fast-moving river. However, having support along the journey means you move ahead safely and in love.

 

Change of location

Whether you move or not is your decision. However, if possible, try not to rush into any massive changes. Give yourself six months to a year before deciding. At the start, you are an emotional mess and making any big decision is unwise. Grief unbalances the body and the mind. When you are more settled look at whether moving is a good option.

The home or homes that you shared are full of memories. These memories are constant and the thought of living somewhere else can be appealing. Still, staying put gives stability in an unstable time. Regardless of moving home, you never escape the memories. They are in your heart and mind.

Changing location may be seen as moving on and with this intention you begin your new life. Instead of calling it the sea change, it becomes the grief change.

Now that your life is single your needs are different. Perhaps you want to expand your interests and need a bigger shed. A friend of mine is a blacksmith. He wanted to move to have a larger workshop. He had more time on his hands and his old shed was too small. The move helped him move to a better work location.

Sometimes, we decide to move closer to our family. Loss is lonely enough without being far away from those that we love. Instead of a total move, you may choose to rent out your home and rent the new place. Then you can try it out first. Our society is very transient and you may move only to find that your family changes jobs and moves away.

Do whatever makes you happy and gives you peace. It is your life now.

 

A Single Lifestyle

After living in a couple situation for over forty years being single again challenged me to the core. Once he was in the hospice, there was a void where our couple life used to be.

Then after the death, you are alone and lost. All of the routines and daily outings are gone. Driving off alone and having to complete the chores is hard. Before you always had someone to talk to and share the day and now there is a void. It takes time to adjust. Perhaps we don’t really adjust, we simply accept it.

Losing your partner creates an empty hole that is not always possible to fill. No one replaces your partner, not your mum or dad, or your kids. You may fill up the hole with seemingly meaningless activities and by being with other people, but the loss of your loved ones is never really filled. Often, I floated through the weeks trying to make sense of it all.

You may avoid walking in your favourite park because it brings up too much emotion or change the channel when a program you both enjoyed comes on. In time, when you are stronger you can revisit these places.

To be independent means you are self-reliant. At the beginning, I was anything but that. I struggled in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Some days seemed everlasting.

However, as I built up my independent life, it became more bearable. The single activities become the new normal and even being with our old friends became easier.

To move on you need to rebuild your life and every time you function as a single person, you reinvent yourself. When you pay the bills or fix the remote control, you assert your independence. These seemingly small achievements allow you to gather your strength and move ahead.

I pined and it was crippling. However, life does go on and every time I did a single activity, I healed a little. Many of us are alone and suffering loss. Instead of looking back, create a new you and try to fill your days with happiness.

Walking through the world after loss feels very strange. All around is the same, but for you everything has changed dramatically. Shopping without your partner and eating alone takes time to get used to.

It is a new life that you do not want. I did not like being single. It was alien and uncomfortable. Some days I could not face driving to the shops and walking around alone. I choose to stay home instead. You know what I mean.

The new lifestyle has a misery attached to it. When you are young and single there is a happiness in your freedom. However, being widowed is nothing like this. Of course, you are free, but it is awful because you do not want to be free. I wanted to be in a loving partnership and the single thing was not appealing.

At the beginning, trying to adapt is hard. As the weeks and months pass being single becomes more the norm. I disliked it, but what could I do. It was my new lifestyle. I stared ahead and saw more of the same life.

Although you may be open to a new relationship, the grieving needs time. During this time your emotions and life are a mess. The person you lost is in your mind constantly and you know there is more alone time until you heal.

I disliked my new life. I did my gratitude list and tried to be positive and happy. However, my heart was hurting and I missed my husband dreadfully. Be kind to yourself. You will not be as happy as before until the cloud of grief shifts which can take months and years. In reality, some people never leave the grief room.

I missed having a companion, I missed being loved and held. I knew until I healed this was my life. Facing that truth takes courage and it is sad. Usually, after a few weeks and definitely several months reality of the constant new lifestyle hits home. I also got tired of being good about it. It had a monotony to me like the same day over and over again. Being single is something you acclimatize to, but it does not sit well.

Eventually, it improves, and you know this is a gateway you cannot avoid. In the future life changes and new people may come into your life. Nothing lasts forever, so hang in there.

Although we always retain our single self, even in a close relationship, being only single is hard. You have lost an entire part of your daily life. Everything is done alone. You sleep alone, wake up alone, and spend countless hours as a solitary being. No one is there as before.

Some single ventures are already familiar. Shopping, your hobbies, and being with certain friends. However, for the most part you are lost in the sea in your forced singleness. Your singleness is not a choice.

Of course, you have good friends, but the proximity of a constant partner is different. There were days I could not face shopping alone again. I wanted to go to the movies but not by myself. Even with practice you may have these days. I knew that I could do it, but I was too depressed and stayed home.

Living as a single person again takes time and effort.

How well you cope depends on where you are emotionally. Some days you seem to fly through it and then without warning, you are thrust back into the struggle. Listen to your inner voice. Cancel outings when emotions are high. The people you are supposed to be seeing are not feeling like you. Staying home is a self-nurturing act, not being weak. Therefore, you must follow your own heart.

Being single brings opportunities, however it challenges us to the core

 

Medication and Counselling

Going through loss is challenging. Not being able to sleep, eat, and lack of focus happen in the beginning. High anxiety and symptoms similar to fear are rampant. Your doctor may be able to provide medicine to help you through this phase. Normally, medication is short- term, but depending on your circumstances you might need it long-term. If you need it, use it. It may be the difference between coping and falling apart.

After nursing someone through a long illness you are physically, emotionally, and mentally spent. Medication during the weeks, months, and years before they pass can help. When the person dies suddenly you may need sedatives to cope with the overwhelming shock. It is not a weakness to use medication to survive.

The grief cycle is tumultuous and life-changing. Pharmaceuticals serve a purpose and allow you to heal and function.

Alternatively, you may choose to use herbal medicines as well or instead of western medicine. Choosing herbs, teas, and natural products works too. The strength may not be the same, but the side-effects are less.

It is your journey and sometimes, others make judgements and give ill-considered advice. Decide what is best for you. Only when one walks the path do they truly understand what is needed.

Bereavement counselling is a great idea. You may get stuck in the process and a skilled counsellor can make a difference. It is not a sign of weakness to get counselling; it is looking after yourself.

Go for as long as you need. It may take a few sessions to many. The time is not important. Moving through your grief and having support is why you go. By talking to someone outside of your circle of family and friends allows to you to be totally honest. With those close to us, we may hold back and not want to upset them. However, the counsellor is removed from our personal life and does not have to see us socially. You can say what you like to them. It can be liberating.

Bereavement is a life tragedy and is unlike other situations. By visiting a specialist, you are able to focus on the problems and emotions in hand. Different coping methods are suggested by them and it is a place where you are free to be your whole self.

There are counsellors in real life or you may use a phone or online service. By expressing your emotions, you are able to work through it. Over time, your load becomes lighter. Whether you tell others or not about your sessions is your choice. Sometimes, simply having another person unconnected to your life is all it takes.

Counselling is healing and enables you to work through tough challenges and look at other ways of dealing with your situation.

Fresh eyes bring a new perspective when we are recovering.

 

Healing Your Grief

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

Memories flood in day and night. Some are happy and comforting, while others are disturbing and unsettling. After a traumatic passing, the bad memories may come more frequently than the good ones.

Generally, you are suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress. It takes time for the terrible memories to fade. As the weeks and months pass, they become less and their vividness fades. However, there were some awful memories that I continued to have even after time had passed. You may have to accept this sad reality.

As you heal, the good memories return and the funny stories or positive times come into your mind. Grieving is a conflicting experience and the most pressing emotions like sorrow, anger, and fear may cloud you. However, the healing is beginning when you remember your loved one and smile, instead of constantly crying.

Looking at photos has two sides. It makes you long for the past or gives comfort. I found the photos upset me and I kept the albums away until I felt stronger emotionally. You need to decide what is best for you.

Everywhere you go you remember and it is something that is difficult to contain. Before you know you are back there thinking about the last time you did this or that as a couple. I accepted that it was part of the grief process and simply let it go. When the upsetting memories returned, I consciously shut them out. I did not have to revisit everything over and over again. The past was gone and focussing on previous events kept me from living in the present.

You need to decide how you wish to deal with sections of your grief life. Neither way is better than the other. This is your journey, your lost relationship and you make the rules. Others can comment, but they are not standing where you are.

At the beginning, your grief seems like a rocky river. Everything is moving fast and your emotions are heightened. This acute phase lasts for a few months. Then a strange feeling occurs. It is like the surface becomes seemingly calmer, while beneath a raging torrent runs. It is there all the time as you journey through the next stage of loss.

The tears subside somewhat and the agitation settles. However, now your grief is submerged and as life goes on, it appears like you are getting better. This time is deceptive. The dust may be settling, but the deeper emotions of sorrow, loss, fear, and anger manifest in this strange manner.

I could literally feel the subterranean grief. The volume of the emotions was turned down, but they still had power. It was the quietness and dark reality which confronted me. I talked and laughed, but inside I carried a massive amount of hidden grief.

You may experience this phenomenon. It is a weird and silent reminder of the deeper healing. At first you deal with the top emotions and the power of them. Afterwards, the core feelings begin to circulate in you. Often, no one sees them because you appear more like your old self.

After loss, we are always changed. That part of heart that loved them is not the same.

Although it is good you are moving through the process the drawback is that others think you are better. In fact, you may be worse. The pain of loss sits sadly in your being.

I felt a constant misery inside. Of course, I was getting used to my lonely existence and could cope with the changes. However, the undercurrent of sadness was hard to bear. It was like tears had settled in my soul. I kept releasing the emotions, but the blanket of sadness appeared to stay the same.

Being aware of the subterranean grief helped me manoeuvre through the times ahead.

Everyone deals with the loss of a partner differently. However, there are a few usual responses.

Those who cannot face it get lost. It may be for weeks, months, or years. They live in the past and never let go of the person or their longing for them. Although the person has died, they are still in a couple relationship. Many die single and alone.

Some people are very needy and rely on others a lot. In some cases, their family moves in or they go and live with them because they cannot cope. It hits them hard and without aid, they cannot get through it.

Then there are the strong survivors. The pain is as powerful for them, but they seek to be self-reliant and not bother others. They cry in private and appear to be better than they actually are.

Another group never talks about it. They lock the emotions and their past life away. It is as if they were not together. When the subject comes up, they avoid it and change the subject.

Some become clinically depressed and cannot break out of the trauma of loss. Then we may need professional help.

You may experience many of these grief styles during your recovery or only use one. However, while each is individual, they have the terrible and unbearable pain underpinning them. It is simply our different ways to cope with such a life-changing experience.

 

Your Virtual World and Grief Forums

Nowadays we have the mobile phone, texting, messaging, and Skype/Facetime and these devices have helped us to connect instantly.

After your partner dies, you will feel very lonely because the daily connection with your loved one is gone. Instead of constant companionship, you may sit alone morning, afternoon, and evening. Sometimes, the entire night you are awake.

Having people to communicate with makes a huge difference to our emotional health and recovery. Try to speak, text, or Skype/Facetime with someone every day. A well-timed phone call may be the difference between falling into the void and making it through the day.

I made an effort to connect with two to three people on most days. I reached out and sent a text, called them, or emailed a short note. These practices kept me from feeling totally alone. The sadness was still inside of me, but this simple action made every day feel better. I was honest and said I was okay. I did not use the word good or fine because that was untrue. During the time we connected I did not worry about how messy I was. It is best to honest. No one expects you to be on top of it all. However, remember to show genuine interest in their world too. Grief is consuming and remind yourself to show interest in their life as well.

By making connections, your world feels full of family, friends, and love. Often you can be lucky and others make extra connections via phone, text, and messages. These communications help to keep you from feeling so alone. When the message or call comes through you feel instantly loved and appreciated. I know of one loving person who sent a kiss via text every day to her widowed friend. Another called to ask about a recipe, even though she was really calling to reach out. These acts of love give us the strength to make it through.

Make an effort to remain in the real world by using everything at your disposal to be close with those who you love. When it is their time of difficulty, you can repay them.

Without my family and friends, I would not have recovered as quickly and been able to smile as soon as I did. Their loving presence made all the difference, especially on the days I was drowning.

No one can save you, but they can hold you up until you become stronger.

There are countless hours to fill once your live-in partner dies. You go from being in a couple to being completely single. The hours you spent together cannot be shared with your family or friends. The early mornings and evenings till dawn are peak times.

Investing in a virtual life pays dividends. With the net people and sites are available twenty-four hours a day. These connections fill those empty hours. Use forums, messaging, and chat rooms. Build up a new set of people.

Often, we are awake during the night and a little chat soothes the soul. The grief forums are wonderful and any interest you have can be explored.

Using YouTube gives instant connection with people, while we increase our knowledge or enjoy music. Having someone to talk online is like having a real conversation. Another human voice comforts and makes us feel less alone.

The nights are lonely and the void is looking right at you. Having a few family members and friends to ring at night helps enormously. I had several people I could ring and it saved many a bad evening.

Work out who is there for you. Then do your calls at night. Somehow the day is easier to fill, whereas night-time is harder. Try to spread your calls out through the week and on less busy times. I often tried to talk to a few people every week. I also texted during the evening. A well-timed text reply makes the void less daunting.

Some people are happy to chat because they are also alone or single. They are the perfect night call friends. Other people love to talk and are in relationships in which phone calls at night are not a problem.

Family members and our adult sons and daughters are usually more available at night. Save your calls with them during these times.

The nights can seem long and confronting. A loving phone call brings light and love into a sad space. Sharing your day and having a few laughs lightens your grief. After these calls, the night seems shorter and better.

We all need love and connection, especially during the tough times. With loss, you miss the strong connection you had with your loved one. These night connections help.

By joining a grief forum, you belong to a special section of the community. Death of a loved one becomes your connection point. Grief forums allow you to write anonymously and in time, meet people who may become friends. These forums allow open dialogue about the deluge. Simply venting or asking for advice gives special support, especially by talking to others going through the same trials and tribulations. Healing others heals us and by offering love and support back you find a new meaning in your world. Surviving loss takes time and the help along the way moves us through in a place of love and understanding.

Generally, at first you are victim to your circumstance. After the death you are faced with a myriad of issues on a personal and home front. It is overwhelming. You may feel powerless to your changed environment. Although family and friends are doing their best, they do not know how it feels. You may be lucky and know a few people who have gone through a similar process, but you can’t rely on them too much.

In addition, being able to connect twenty-four hours a day allows us freedom to talk and get support. Our family and friends tell us to ring any time. However, most of us would not wake them up at four in the morning because we are upset. This is when an online forum is great. Simply writing on the page lets us express ourselves and connect with another group of people who are awake.

The forum is there for as long as needed. You may stay a relatively short time because life takes on another direction. However, you may be there for years.

Grief it is a lonely path to walk. Therefore, joining a support group is a wonderful idea. At last, we have support and help from people just like us. We connect with others who truly understand how we are feeling and know personally how to respond. It is great to find an avenue of expression because everyone is going down a similar road. No emotions are censored and encouragement and wisdom are given.

I joined several groups for my own healing and to hear issues that arose for others. It was cathartic to read my counterparts experiencing problems that I was encountering. During my time, I met some interesting people and found a new friend. There are lots of people on the net and the reach is large and wide. With all their stories there is always someone in a similar place to you.

I met a great guy in America who had recently lost his wife after four decades of marriage. We clicked immediately and understood each other although being complete strangers. We remain the best of friends years after. It was true blessing for me.

There are many sites and some offer special support chat rooms, especially for Christmas Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. when it more challenging.

Check out the grief forums online and get the extra help you need.

 

Family and Friends

No one can walk through the grief for you, but they can walk by your side. Hopefully, your family and friends are along the journey with you. The time of loss is significant so take the support that is offered. Some members come in close, while others stand back. Be aware and accept this truth. Not everyone is able to deal with grief on any level. Sometimes, their lives are busy and they are on their own version of overwhelm

In addition, we all offer differing forms of help. Some family members wish to talk it through, while others want to avoid the obvious. At the beginning, there may be lots of support, but as the months pass, it lessens. There are few who walk the entire path of grief with us. Be grateful for these loving souls.

Loss is a personal journey, but you do not have to do it alone. Others offer new insights and bring to your attention different strategies of coping and give you hope. Some help is emotional support and other versions manifest as assistance with practical aspects. All are valid measures of love and support. Perhaps your brother never mentions the your grief but fixes your lawnmower. See behind every action.

How much you confide in your families also changes the outcomes. At the start, you have to come to terms with the terrible loss. Often, when they were ill for a while you know that they are going to die. However, if the loss comes suddenly, you may be numb or in denial.

Always remember you are the one who is feeling their passing the most, not others. You are the most heartbroken one. Unless you have lost a partner, you can never truly understand the magnitude of grief felt as a widow or widower.

People come from their own perceptions and have a certain view because of where they are standing. Be aware that the advice or comments others make may be mind focussed, not coming from the heart.

Understand that love manifests in many ways and be grateful for any assistance given.

Friendships are built on love and trust. They are similar relationships to family but without some of the complications. Many times, what you tell your girlfriend is not the same as your mum. There is less screening with close friends and because you are often similar ages or come from similar backgrounds, it is easier to speak openly. With family, we may not speak as honestly because we want to protect them or ourselves.

Friends are good gauges of how well you are coping. They provide a good reflection on how they think you are. Listen and take on board suggestions given. In every bit of advice, there is some truth. Listen and then decide. During this time, your centre is wobbly and it is easy to miss things.

Getting more sleep, eating properly, or going out more are valuable suggestions. However, if you know that emotionally you are unable to socialize it is okay to decline. Your emotions are telling you to be alone and heal. However, on other occasions socializing is a better way to move to the next level.

Grief ebbs and flows. An invitation yesterday seems great until you wake up the next day in a blubbering mess. Some emotions have to ridden alone or in front of mindless television with loads of comfort food. There is a mask people wear socially and on the dark days even that cover is not enough. Our true friends understand that giving you space is the best gift for now.

Also be aware of controlling friends who want to live through your drama. They may attach and want to run your life. This is not friendship; this is power and control. Resist being bullied, even by a seemingly good friend.

Healing is a personal path. Some of us love having many people around to give support, while others prefer more time alone.

Your family and friends are the support vehicles during a torrid time. Embrace their presence.

Year 2 - Losing a Loved One

 

Apathy and Fatigue

Loss may affect your drive. Apathy sneaks in and you can’t be bothered doing anything or seeing any one. You are indifferent and have no interest in anything.

For a time, this is normal and understandable. However, apathy may linger and then it is not a healthy choice. Apathy is a sign of no movement. For short periods of the day, it is fine, but weeks on end make you sink lower.

During an apathetic phase, I did not care less. It included completing tasks, tidying the house, and showing motivation for anything. This condition was completely alien to me. Upon reflection, I felt with so much emotional turmoil that it was a place to recoup. The nothingness was like time-out from my crazy world.

Apathy is like depression.

Although apathy maybe a sign of depression, it is also a state of the heart and mind. When I could not care less there was less pressure. My “who cares” response was authentic. With my life in turmoil, apathy was a refuge. While others have their ideas on what you should do and where you should go, I did not care less.

Apathy gives respite from everything that is wrong with your life. It does not solve anything and eventually, you move out of it. Later on, your drive and passion return and the days of apathy lessen.

Be patient with this reaction and wait until it goes. Apathy is not dissimilar to the numbness you may have experienced.

Soon after they die, you may be incredibly tired and it may last for weeks. To fortify yourself stay in bed longer, eat well, and do nothing that adds stress to your day. On the bad days, stay home and do whatever gives you comfort.

There is definite a feeling of fatigue with loss. Dealing with the grief and other emotions is stressful. Sleep and eating are affected and you are walking in a fog. Some of the fatigue is depression and as you heal this improves.

Loss knocks you over energetically. Some days I would lie in bed and look out of the window or watch television like a zombie. Many of you have also gone through torturous weeks or months before the loss, especially from a lengthy illness. Your reserves became low and with the death, it’s a further blow.

The negative emotions connected to loss tire you. Carrying sad feelings leaves little room for joy and positive thoughts. The dark clouds are too encompassing.

Allow the fatigue to be and do whatever helps. Later on, your energy will increase, but while you are weakened be careful. Make breakable appointments with friends and keep away from shopping centres and any large gatherings.

Fatigue is a real outcome from loss and needs to be addressed. I felt like a shell of myself and was so tired. It was a deep tiredness and even sleep did not make it go away, particularly in the first weeks alone. I limited my activities and tried to rest as much as possible until it lessened.

Holding on strong through the months or years before they die is exhausting. Once it is over it as if the fatigue can be felt and we can get the rest.

 

Trauma, PTSD and Suicide

Grief is obsessive by nature. Your emotional compass is unbalanced and it causes dysfunction in your thought processes. It takes no time at all to be caught in a loop which runs over and over.

Your internal emotional, mental, and psychological machine is playing constantly during the grief process. After my husband died, I had flashbacks from the last few weeks and months. Whenever I was not concentrating, in they came. I felt swamped by the past. I can’t remember how many times that last day and his actual death jumped into my thoughts. There were the memories and the painful emotions.

When the death or time of loss is traumatic, the imprint is stronger and harder to avoid.

Every time I was reliving it, I tried to let it go. This changed my focus and enabled me to move on. In releasing it, there was acknowledgment and over time, the time between the flashbacks lengthened.

Gradually, by replacing these negative memories your brain is rewired into a positive space. Good and healthy internal thoughts feed you, while distressing or highly emotional ones drain you.

Loss is painful and hard, but you do not have to continue to relive it and experience negative and sad thoughts forever.

Your internal world underpins your outer life and it is good to build a happy platform upon which to live.

Grief creates trauma. The shock of the death leaves emotional, psychological, and mental damage. The memories and flashbacks remain long after the passing. You may be moving well through the process only to be triggered and then the trauma comes to the fore.

The death of my husband was particularly traumatic, especially for my middle son and me. Sadly, he passed away painfully. My others sons and their family missed seeing him before he died and arrived later at the hospital. After months of illness, it was a horrible end. After his passing, my son and I struggled with the flashbacks and emotions connected with the last weeks.

Trauma takes time to resolve. In the beginning, the flashbacks were vivid and unrelenting. After a while they submerged somewhat. However, any small reminder had them rushing to the surface again. I used Emotional Freedom Tapping and release meditation to clear the initial emotional and mental trauma. In addition, every time it began to surface, I replaced it with another thought or memory.

You might carry similar trauma. Being aware of the existence of trauma allows you to face it and then work at diminishing it. Use everything at your disposal to let the trauma go.

Traumatic deaths are especially difficult. Having been with others who died in my presence I was used to the death experience. However, when you are involved with a particularly distressing passing the outcome is completely different. The other people were sedated and simply lay there quietly and slipped away. However, if you endured a painful and fitful passing, it is agonizing. When he eventually passed, it seemed like a relief and the suffering for him was over. Afterwards, my son and I sat there in the hospital room with his dead body for three hours waiting for the rest of the family to arrive from interstate.

Trauma is a usual outcome but very rarely discussed. After some work, my trauma lessened and became more manageable. Whenever I felt it rising, I quickly removed myself from the trigger. There may be layers of trauma buried in your body. Do not beat yourself up when it presents itself unexpectedly. Simply clear it and move on.

There will always be a little shadow of trauma in your soul reminding you of that time. It cannot be fully eased. However, your powerful responses may be alleviated.

Remember that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may become a reality for you after someone dies. I did not realize that I had it until after the first year. Check out the symptoms online and seek help if you think you are experiencing it. It is an undiagnosed outcome for many widowed people.

Suicide is a real issue after loss. There seems to be little point going on without them and in a way, a part of us has died too. However, be very careful if you begin to have suicidal thoughts and try to get help.

Grief changes over time and you will learn to live with it and heal. It is normal to have dark times when the demons come, but understand that it will pass.

My widowed friend often told me he has lost hope and wanted to fall off the perch as he said. However, he came to terms with his loss and lived nearly a decade after his wife passed.

Spiralling down is dangerous, especially if you are alone so ring for help. And our loved ones don’t want us to die. If anything, they want us to live our life out and find some happiness.

Being the one left behind is harder in some ways than being the one who dies. We are left with the grief and emptiness. Be kind to yourself and know that it is a hard road and there will be difficult days, but eventually it becomes easier.

I encourage you to take any suicidal thoughts seriously and reach out to family, friends and professionals to help you navigate your way through. You don’t have to do it alone.

 

 Fear, Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Grief may manifest as fear. It is a scary path to tread alone. I was scared of everything, especially in the beginning. The fear was strong and unrelenting. All of a sudden, I was alone and responsible for everything, as well as the way I was feeling. Fear like this is crippling.

Once you realize that the emotion you are experiencing is fear, then going through is easier. Grief stresses the body and mind and makes you scared. Most fear comes from the daily grind of moving through loss. There is fear attached to being single and not having your rock with you. Fear of being solely responsible for the decisions and the money concerns weighs heavily. Instead of having another close person, you are alone. When you have been in a close shared partnership the fear of being alone is palpable. The longer you have lived as a couple, the more entrenched are the dependency behaviours.

Take a breath and progress slowly. There is always help on hand and you are never truly going solo.

Often the death is a terrifying ordeal and leaves you reeling. Unlike the gentle and orchestrated passing showed on television, some last memories are disturbing. Fear manifests from these traumatic situations.

Be gentle with yourself because although no one talks about the fear, it is definitely a massive obstacle during the first few weeks and months. Initially, I did not understand that I was experiencing it. Grief has many emotions and I had not fully realized that my general uneasiness was simply fear.

You may have fear of living alone, being able to cope, losing your mind, and being able to figure out the chores surrounding the death. In the small hours, you may wake up scared and sick to the stomach. The fear is from the grief. However, once you accept your fears, you can put them to rest.

When I had a fearful time, I went back into survival mode. In the next few hours or days, I utilized my calming down techniques. As time passed the fear lessened, but when I was triggered, it came back in full force. Calming herbs, medication, deep breathing, and release work help. On the bad days, don’t attempt anything. Rest and do nurturing activities. Once the fear abates you can catch up with what needs to be done.

Never underestimate the effects of fear. It is crippling. However, know that you are capable of moving past it and coming into a calmer place.

Loss is a fearful and unknown territory and challenges your existence. Waking up with anxiety and nausea it usual. The feeling is horrible and may last for days. The anxiety and nausea may begin during the dying process and continue after the death. When you have these emotions, they usually connect into a worrying part of the death process. You know that you are being foolish and overreacting. However, these emotions are difficult to harness.

The worse times are when you are alone, pm and am. The lack of distraction and other people promote anxious thoughts and sickening feelings.

Grief is like being on a terrifying wave never knowing when or if you are going to crash. It rocks your soul to the core.

There are helpful drugs to alleviate these emotions and you can use them when it seems appropriate. Herbs, meditation, and Emotional Freedom Tapping may also lessen it. By managing these seemingly irrational emotions, you may feel calmer. Use what works for you.

You may experience your first panic attack while you are going through the grief journey. The feelings of loss make you fearful and anxious. Your entire world is crumbling before your eyes and everything is making you nervous.

Panic attacks start quickly and the trembling, sweating, nausea, pounding heart, feeling detached, shortness of breath, tingling sensations and dizziness are a few of the symptoms. They may last for a few seconds or hours. It is a surreal and scary experience.

When we are threatened, the body goes into fight or flight. These sensations are not under our control. However, once we understand what is happening, then we can find ways to cope.

Previously, I was unaware that loss triggers panic attacks. Although I knew about them and had dealt with them in my past, I was unprepared for them now. However, once I recognized how I was responding I could relate it to the grief. The smallest problem could set me off and some days it took ages to settle down. The higher my level of loss that day, the more vulnerable I became. Lack of sleep and constant worry and anxiety precipitated many attacks.

Breathing and slowing down helps. Taking time out from the trigger gives you time to rest and regroup. When I thought something might begin an attack, I walked away or refused to do the task. One of my sons asked me to collect a doctor’s letter concerning my husband’s death. While I was on the phone, without warning the nausea rose in my stomach and I felt physically sick. I said I would collect the letter and finished the phone call. Immediately afterwards, I realized that I was heading towards a panic attack. Straightaway, I rang back and told him I could not do it. Afterwards, I began to calm down. All the flashbacks of the passing continued for the next day, but by stopping myself from going back to the doctor’s rooms it stopped another panic attack.

It is not a sign of weakness to have panic attacks. Loss is the hardest and most gruelling life journey you can have. Take care of yourself and as soon as you see the signs step back and regroup. The world will cope without you and it is a self-nurturing action. Unless you have walked this sad and shaky path you cannot comprehend the way it changes the foundation of your life.

Being a Mess during Grief

 

Anger, Guilt, Regret and Hindsight

Anger and loss go together. Anger is a natural and an undeniable outcome and the sooner we deal with it the better. None of us want to be left behind. Now you are there standing alone in a relationship that had two people in it. Feeling angry is common.

On some level, it seems weird to be angry with a phantom. I was angry to be left behind. I vented in the car and used writing to let it out. I wanted my husband to be alive and because he was not here, it angered me. Besides the practical aspects of life, there was a huge gaping hole in my world. Every morning and day, the hole was there looking to be filled. There was no escape from the constant reminders of our life before.

Moving ahead seems hard when you are surrounded by memories and physical reminders of your life together. It feels like you are dragging a massive amount of the past into the present and future.

On the bad days when the shower broke and I could not find an important document of his, I felt my anger rising. It permeated throughout the days ahead. Sometimes, it began in anger, only to be converted into hours of crying.

Anger is part of the grief process. Be patient with yourself.

Guilt is the emotion you have when you do something wrong. It seems ridiculous to have guilt during loss because for the most part you did absolutely everything to support your loved one. However, guilt prevails with grief.

You may feel guilty about anything you failed to do. I spent years feeling guilty because I never made the special cake that I promised to make for my mum before she died. Although I knew on a deep level that the guilt was completely unfounded, it continued.

Guilt features during loss and you have to accept it and let it go. You may worry about not picking up that they were ill, not doing it all right, not being a good enough partner. The list is varied and endless. Second guessing happens constantly and on reflection, you make assumptions. Remember that while you were in the midst of dealing with the situation, everything was consuming. Now when you criticize your actions or lack of them you are not in the same place, emotionally and mentally. You are looking back into the past and we cannot change what has happened.

Try not to let the guilt take over your thoughts. You did your best at the time. Focus on what you did, not what you did not do. No one passes through a loss without having some guilt. Although it is an unrealistic response, it is often unavoidable.

With some deaths, we may have survivor guilt. We are left and they are gone. We question why we are alive and they have died. It seems unfair and may be an uncomfortable realization. I was left with the house, some money, and a good life stretching ahead. He was gone. Be grateful you were able to be part of their life and death. Honor that you gave the best you could at the time, and forgive yourself for any transgressions.

After a death, hindsight may plague you. All the “if only” come up in your mind and it can mess with you. Let those thoughts go. It is done and nothing will change the past. Understanding what occurred cannot change a thing.

Hindsight is a bitch. With hindsight, we understand a situation or event after it has happened. Looking back, it makes sense and we have the light bulb moment. Hindsight is annoying because we wish we had got it before.

Hindsight may make you experience guilt and regret. Use your revelations as a lesson. They are teaching you about life. Once you learn the lesson or gain the understanding, move on. It is easy to get locked into feeling upset once hindsight occurs. In daily life you have the chance to make changes, but after they die you cannot make the same amends.

The best outcome is to accept what happened and learn the lesson for next time. During the passing you were not functioning well and many things may been missed. Be gentle with yourself because you were struggling to get though every day at the time and in the months after they were gone.

Hindsight happens for everyone. Looking back always brings new realizations. However, you did your best under the circumstances. When you wish you had done more, forgive yourself.

Regret is tied in with hindsight. It is a distressing emotion and filled with disappointment and remorse. Many widowed people hold regrets rightly or wrongly.

Perhaps, you feel that you never did enough or you could have done better. It is normal to have such emotions. Forgive yourself.

I regretted that we did not have longer together and how quickly he died. It was terribly sad. Like hindsight, there was nothing I could do. I thought about the trips we could have done, the fact that new grandchildren were arriving and he would not hold them all added to the pile.

Regret haunts all of us. What if you had sent them earlier to the doctor? Why didn’t you spot it before? Maybe you should have done this or that. These recurring thoughts are normal. I tracked back time and time again. I wished it had ended differently. Having travelled down the loss trail several times I was well-equipped with the regret outcome. This time, I made sure I did everything possible to ensure there were no regrets. However, there were.

Your dreams and hopes are dashed with death and you have many regrets. Your love is gone and there is no future with them. Later on, the regrets fade and you begin to be grateful for what you had together.

Regrets are a form of mourning. During the passing, you may regret not doing all you wanted to do. Remember you did the best you could under trying circumstances. It is easy to look back in judgment. It may help to write out your regrets and then leave them to rest. Don’t beat yourself up about the regrets you have. Let them go.

Regret is water under the bridge.

Letting go of negative self-talk is necessary to move on. The past is over and no amount of second guessing change the outcome. Obsessing is common but fruitless. The only healing is to allow the regrets and doubts come to the surface and send them away.

Your love and good intentions are more important. Your intention was pure and you have to forgive yourself.

When the deceased person is difficult, it makes the passing difficult for others, and leaves a lot of damage. There may be countless regrets. Angry, inflexible individuals do not necessarily change when they are dying and become more loving. Many times, they leave a legacy of emotional damage, hurt, and pain.

Many people do have regrets because they are dying and there is time for resolution. However, issues often remain unhealed.

Death is a traumatic event; however, it happens. Rarely is the passing without fallout. Watching the suffering of a loved one is heartbreaking and life-changing. It took my son and me a long time to recover from the traumatic passing. These imprints never completely leave. You learn to live with them and hope they fade over the years. Although the death is only the last sentence in the person’s book of life, its effect on the ones left behind lingers.

Whenever I saw the last hours in the hospital, I let them go. Whenever regrets surfaced, I endeavored to let them go. I focussed on the enormous amount of love I showered on him, my family, and my marriage and saw those actions as healing.

Forgiveness for ourselves and others is the only solution and lightens the sense of regret we may have.