Trauma, PTSD and Suicide

Grief is obsessive by nature. Your emotional compass is unbalanced and it causes dysfunction in your thought processes. It takes no time at all to be caught in a loop which runs over and over.

Your internal emotional, mental, and psychological machine is playing constantly during the grief process. After my husband died, I had flashbacks from the last few weeks and months. Whenever I was not concentrating, in they came. I felt swamped by the past. I can’t remember how many times that last day and his actual death jumped into my thoughts. There were the memories and the painful emotions.

When the death or time of loss is traumatic, the imprint is stronger and harder to avoid.

Every time I was reliving it, I tried to let it go. This changed my focus and enabled me to move on. In releasing it, there was acknowledgment and over time, the time between the flashbacks lengthened.

Gradually, by replacing these negative memories your brain is rewired into a positive space. Good and healthy internal thoughts feed you, while distressing or highly emotional ones drain you.

Loss is painful and hard, but you do not have to continue to relive it and experience negative and sad thoughts forever.

Your internal world underpins your outer life and it is good to build a happy platform upon which to live.

Grief creates trauma. The shock of the death leaves emotional, psychological, and mental damage. The memories and flashbacks remain long after the passing. You may be moving well through the process only to be triggered and then the trauma comes to the fore.

The death of my husband was particularly traumatic, especially for my middle son and me. Sadly, he passed away painfully. My others sons and their family missed seeing him before he died and arrived later at the hospital. After months of illness, it was a horrible end. After his passing, my son and I struggled with the flashbacks and emotions connected with the last weeks.

Trauma takes time to resolve. In the beginning, the flashbacks were vivid and unrelenting. After a while they submerged somewhat. However, any small reminder had them rushing to the surface again. I used Emotional Freedom Tapping and release meditation to clear the initial emotional and mental trauma. In addition, every time it began to surface, I replaced it with another thought or memory.

You might carry similar trauma. Being aware of the existence of trauma allows you to face it and then work at diminishing it. Use everything at your disposal to let the trauma go.

Traumatic deaths are especially difficult. Having been with others who died in my presence I was used to the death experience. However, when you are involved with a particularly distressing passing the outcome is completely different. The other people were sedated and simply lay there quietly and slipped away. However, if you endured a painful and fitful passing, it is agonizing. When he eventually passed, it seemed like a relief and the suffering for him was over. Afterwards, my son and I sat there in the hospital room with his dead body for three hours waiting for the rest of the family to arrive from interstate.

Trauma is a usual outcome but very rarely discussed. After some work, my trauma lessened and became more manageable. Whenever I felt it rising, I quickly removed myself from the trigger. There may be layers of trauma buried in your body. Do not beat yourself up when it presents itself unexpectedly. Simply clear it and move on.

There will always be a little shadow of trauma in your soul reminding you of that time. It cannot be fully eased. However, your powerful responses may be alleviated.

Remember that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may become a reality for you after someone dies. I did not realize that I had it until after the first year. Check out the symptoms online and seek help if you think you are experiencing it. It is an undiagnosed outcome for many widowed people.

Suicide is a real issue after loss. There seems to be little point going on without them and in a way, a part of us has died too. However, be very careful if you begin to have suicidal thoughts and try to get help.

Grief changes over time and you will learn to live with it and heal. It is normal to have dark times when the demons come, but understand that it will pass.

My widowed friend often told me he has lost hope and wanted to fall off the perch as he said. However, he came to terms with his loss and lived nearly a decade after his wife passed.

Spiralling down is dangerous, especially if you are alone so ring for help. And our loved ones don’t want us to die. If anything, they want us to live our life out and find some happiness.

Being the one left behind is harder in some ways than being the one who dies. We are left with the grief and emptiness. Be kind to yourself and know that it is a hard road and there will be difficult days, but eventually it becomes easier.

I encourage you to take any suicidal thoughts seriously and reach out to family, friends and professionals to help you navigate your way through. You don’t have to do it alone.

 

Anger, Guilt, Regret and Hindsight

Anger and loss go together. Anger is a natural and an undeniable outcome and the sooner we deal with it the better. None of us want to be left behind. Now you are there standing alone in a relationship that had two people in it. Feeling angry is common.

On some level, it seems weird to be angry with a phantom. I was angry to be left behind. I vented in the car and used writing to let it out. I wanted my husband to be alive and because he was not here, it angered me. Besides the practical aspects of life, there was a huge gaping hole in my world. Every morning and day, the hole was there looking to be filled. There was no escape from the constant reminders of our life before.

Moving ahead seems hard when you are surrounded by memories and physical reminders of your life together. It feels like you are dragging a massive amount of the past into the present and future.

On the bad days when the shower broke and I could not find an important document of his, I felt my anger rising. It permeated throughout the days ahead. Sometimes, it began in anger, only to be converted into hours of crying.

Anger is part of the grief process. Be patient with yourself.

Guilt is the emotion you have when you do something wrong. It seems ridiculous to have guilt during loss because for the most part you did absolutely everything to support your loved one. However, guilt prevails with grief.

You may feel guilty about anything you failed to do. I spent years feeling guilty because I never made the special cake that I promised to make for my mum before she died. Although I knew on a deep level that the guilt was completely unfounded, it continued.

Guilt features during loss and you have to accept it and let it go. You may worry about not picking up that they were ill, not doing it all right, not being a good enough partner. The list is varied and endless. Second guessing happens constantly and on reflection, you make assumptions. Remember that while you were in the midst of dealing with the situation, everything was consuming. Now when you criticize your actions or lack of them you are not in the same place, emotionally and mentally. You are looking back into the past and we cannot change what has happened.

Try not to let the guilt take over your thoughts. You did your best at the time. Focus on what you did, not what you did not do. No one passes through a loss without having some guilt. Although it is an unrealistic response, it is often unavoidable.

With some deaths, we may have survivor guilt. We are left and they are gone. We question why we are alive and they have died. It seems unfair and may be an uncomfortable realization. I was left with the house, some money, and a good life stretching ahead. He was gone. Be grateful you were able to be part of their life and death. Honor that you gave the best you could at the time, and forgive yourself for any transgressions.

After a death, hindsight may plague you. All the “if only” come up in your mind and it can mess with you. Let those thoughts go. It is done and nothing will change the past. Understanding what occurred cannot change a thing.

Hindsight is a bitch. With hindsight, we understand a situation or event after it has happened. Looking back, it makes sense and we have the light bulb moment. Hindsight is annoying because we wish we had got it before.

Hindsight may make you experience guilt and regret. Use your revelations as a lesson. They are teaching you about life. Once you learn the lesson or gain the understanding, move on. It is easy to get locked into feeling upset once hindsight occurs. In daily life you have the chance to make changes, but after they die you cannot make the same amends.

The best outcome is to accept what happened and learn the lesson for next time. During the passing you were not functioning well and many things may been missed. Be gentle with yourself because you were struggling to get though every day at the time and in the months after they were gone.

Hindsight happens for everyone. Looking back always brings new realizations. However, you did your best under the circumstances. When you wish you had done more, forgive yourself.

Regret is tied in with hindsight. It is a distressing emotion and filled with disappointment and remorse. Many widowed people hold regrets rightly or wrongly.

Perhaps, you feel that you never did enough or you could have done better. It is normal to have such emotions. Forgive yourself.

I regretted that we did not have longer together and how quickly he died. It was terribly sad. Like hindsight, there was nothing I could do. I thought about the trips we could have done, the fact that new grandchildren were arriving and he would not hold them all added to the pile.

Regret haunts all of us. What if you had sent them earlier to the doctor? Why didn’t you spot it before? Maybe you should have done this or that. These recurring thoughts are normal. I tracked back time and time again. I wished it had ended differently. Having travelled down the loss trail several times I was well-equipped with the regret outcome. This time, I made sure I did everything possible to ensure there were no regrets. However, there were.

Your dreams and hopes are dashed with death and you have many regrets. Your love is gone and there is no future with them. Later on, the regrets fade and you begin to be grateful for what you had together.

Regrets are a form of mourning. During the passing, you may regret not doing all you wanted to do. Remember you did the best you could under trying circumstances. It is easy to look back in judgment. It may help to write out your regrets and then leave them to rest. Don’t beat yourself up about the regrets you have. Let them go.

Regret is water under the bridge.

Letting go of negative self-talk is necessary to move on. The past is over and no amount of second guessing change the outcome. Obsessing is common but fruitless. The only healing is to allow the regrets and doubts come to the surface and send them away.

Your love and good intentions are more important. Your intention was pure and you have to forgive yourself.

When the deceased person is difficult, it makes the passing difficult for others, and leaves a lot of damage. There may be countless regrets. Angry, inflexible individuals do not necessarily change when they are dying and become more loving. Many times, they leave a legacy of emotional damage, hurt, and pain.

Many people do have regrets because they are dying and there is time for resolution. However, issues often remain unhealed.

Death is a traumatic event; however, it happens. Rarely is the passing without fallout. Watching the suffering of a loved one is heartbreaking and life-changing. It took my son and me a long time to recover from the traumatic passing. These imprints never completely leave. You learn to live with them and hope they fade over the years. Although the death is only the last sentence in the person’s book of life, its effect on the ones left behind lingers.

Whenever I saw the last hours in the hospital, I let them go. Whenever regrets surfaced, I endeavored to let them go. I focussed on the enormous amount of love I showered on him, my family, and my marriage and saw those actions as healing.

Forgiveness for ourselves and others is the only solution and lightens the sense of regret we may have.

Annoying thoughts

Grief is obsessive by nature. Your emotional compass is unbalanced and this causes dysfunction in your thought processes. It takes no time at all to be caught in a loop which runs over and over.

Your internal emotional, mental, and psychological machine is playing constantly during the grief process. I had flashbacks of the last few weeks and months. Whenever I was not concentrating, in they came. I felt swamped by the past. I can’t remember how many times that last day and his actual death jumped into my thoughts. There were the memories and the painful emotions.

When the death or time of loss is traumatic, the imprint is stronger and harder to avoid.

Every time I was reliving, it I tried to let it go. This changed my focus and enabled me to move on. In releasing it, there was acknowledgment and over time, the time between the flashbacks lengthened.

Good and healthy internal thoughts feed you while distressing or highly emotional ones drain you. 

Gradually, by replacing these negative memories your brain is rewired into a positive space.

Loss is painful and hard but you do not have to continue to relive it all and experience negative and sad thoughts forever..

Your internal world underpins your outer life and you need to build a happy platform upon which to live. 
Love, Wendy x