Disappointment, Sorrow and Heartache

Disappointment is an unfilled want or need. It’s disappointing to be the one left behind. There is massive heartache and disappointment because your hopes and dreams for the future are irrevocably gone.

I would watch couples my age and older walking together and know that I would never have that experience again with my husband. We did not have twenty more years together. I was disappointed that I lost him so early. Our plans could not be fulfilled and future grandchildren would not know him. There was a loss of family. The dynamics of the family alter dramatically after a death. My children were disappointed for me and themselves. They were also disappointed for their children.

It is disappointing looking ahead and seeing nothing together. The memories are all you have now. Maybe you wish you had travelled more and shared more activities. IN addition, you are disappointed that you are single.

Gradually, you accept your life and become more grateful. You focus on the gifts that precious relationship gave you and the wealth of love you shared.

Disappointment lasts as long as we look back and see what we lost, not what we gained.

Loss creates sorrow and enormous heartache. It is a heartache you are unprepared for and one which lasts for ages. There can be an actual ache and burning sensation around the heart. You feel as if your heart is breaking. The feeling of having a heart attack happens to some and panic attacks occur.

It is not uncommon to exhibit heart problems during or after grief situations. The heart is particularly vulnerable to emotional stress This is the time to take good care of yourself on all levels. Rest and avoiding extra stress on the heart is beneficial. Taking herbal aids and heart minerals like magnesium and coenzyme 10 assist with the physical aspects. Vitamins strengthen you as well.

Energetically, you can place your hands on your heart area and wear rose quartz and tourmaline. Both these crystals protect the heart from more damage. Reiki and massage relax the body which in turn relaxes the heart. Acupuncture is a valuable tool. There are specific acupuncture pressure points which feed into the meridian grid. Check them out on the net. Heart 7 and pericardium 6 are two to begin with. Rescue remedy and homeopathic medicine are excellent. Bach remedies work on the finer vibrational areas of your aura.

Physically, you need to exercise but in a gentle manner. While you are grieving the heart is under attack and too much vigorous exercise places strain on it. Yoga, walking, light jogging, and Qigong are better choices. Try not to exhaust the body with too much cleaning and lifting. Everything in moderation.

Keeping away from draining individuals keeps us in a healthier space. Drainers come in many guises. Check how you feel after time together. When you come away exhausted, you have been drained. After loss, your energy is already depleted and extra depletion brings it down even more. Crowds have the same effect.

Try not to become too tired. Stay later in bed or take an afternoon nap. The body heals when you rest because the energy for moving around is sent to other parts of the body. When you sleep your body repairs itself.

Grief takes its toll and the heart is the hardest hit.

 

Healing Your Grief

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

Memories flood in day and night. Some are happy and comforting, while others are disturbing and unsettling. After a traumatic passing, the bad memories may come more frequently than the good ones.

Generally, you are suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress. It takes time for the terrible memories to fade. As the weeks and months pass, they become less and their vividness fades. However, there were some awful memories that I continued to have even after time had passed. You may have to accept this sad reality.

As you heal, the good memories return and the funny stories or positive times come into your mind. Grieving is a conflicting experience and the most pressing emotions like sorrow, anger, and fear may cloud you. However, the healing is beginning when you remember your loved one and smile, instead of constantly crying.

Looking at photos has two sides. It makes you long for the past or gives comfort. I found the photos upset me and I kept the albums away until I felt stronger emotionally. You need to decide what is best for you.

Everywhere you go you remember and it is something that is difficult to contain. Before you know you are back there thinking about the last time you did this or that as a couple. I accepted that it was part of the grief process and simply let it go. When the upsetting memories returned, I consciously shut them out. I did not have to revisit everything over and over again. The past was gone and focussing on previous events kept me from living in the present.

You need to decide how you wish to deal with sections of your grief life. Neither way is better than the other. This is your journey, your lost relationship and you make the rules. Others can comment, but they are not standing where you are.

At the beginning, your grief seems like a rocky river. Everything is moving fast and your emotions are heightened. This acute phase lasts for a few months. Then a strange feeling occurs. It is like the surface becomes seemingly calmer, while beneath a raging torrent runs. It is there all the time as you journey through the next stage of loss.

The tears subside somewhat and the agitation settles. However, now your grief is submerged and as life goes on, it appears like you are getting better. This time is deceptive. The dust may be settling, but the deeper emotions of sorrow, loss, fear, and anger manifest in this strange manner.

I could literally feel the subterranean grief. The volume of the emotions was turned down, but they still had power. It was the quietness and dark reality which confronted me. I talked and laughed, but inside I carried a massive amount of hidden grief.

You may experience this phenomenon. It is a weird and silent reminder of the deeper healing. At first you deal with the top emotions and the power of them. Afterwards, the core feelings begin to circulate in you. Often, no one sees them because you appear more like your old self.

After loss, we are always changed. That part of heart that loved them is not the same.

Although it is good you are moving through the process the drawback is that others think you are better. In fact, you may be worse. The pain of loss sits sadly in your being.

I felt a constant misery inside. Of course, I was getting used to my lonely existence and could cope with the changes. However, the undercurrent of sadness was hard to bear. It was like tears had settled in my soul. I kept releasing the emotions, but the blanket of sadness appeared to stay the same.

Being aware of the subterranean grief helped me manoeuvre through the times ahead.

Everyone deals with the loss of a partner differently. However, there are a few usual responses.

Those who cannot face it get lost. It may be for weeks, months, or years. They live in the past and never let go of the person or their longing for them. Although the person has died, they are still in a couple relationship. Many die single and alone.

Some people are very needy and rely on others a lot. In some cases, their family moves in or they go and live with them because they cannot cope. It hits them hard and without aid, they cannot get through it.

Then there are the strong survivors. The pain is as powerful for them, but they seek to be self-reliant and not bother others. They cry in private and appear to be better than they actually are.

Another group never talks about it. They lock the emotions and their past life away. It is as if they were not together. When the subject comes up, they avoid it and change the subject.

Some become clinically depressed and cannot break out of the trauma of loss. Then we may need professional help.

You may experience many of these grief styles during your recovery or only use one. However, while each is individual, they have the terrible and unbearable pain underpinning them. It is simply our different ways to cope with such a life-changing experience.

 

Family and Friends

No one can walk through the grief for you, but they can walk by your side. Hopefully, your family and friends are along the journey with you. The time of loss is significant so take the support that is offered. Some members come in close, while others stand back. Be aware and accept this truth. Not everyone is able to deal with grief on any level. Sometimes, their lives are busy and they are on their own version of overwhelm

In addition, we all offer differing forms of help. Some family members wish to talk it through, while others want to avoid the obvious. At the beginning, there may be lots of support, but as the months pass, it lessens. There are few who walk the entire path of grief with us. Be grateful for these loving souls.

Loss is a personal journey, but you do not have to do it alone. Others offer new insights and bring to your attention different strategies of coping and give you hope. Some help is emotional support and other versions manifest as assistance with practical aspects. All are valid measures of love and support. Perhaps your brother never mentions the your grief but fixes your lawnmower. See behind every action.

How much you confide in your families also changes the outcomes. At the start, you have to come to terms with the terrible loss. Often, when they were ill for a while you know that they are going to die. However, if the loss comes suddenly, you may be numb or in denial.

Always remember you are the one who is feeling their passing the most, not others. You are the most heartbroken one. Unless you have lost a partner, you can never truly understand the magnitude of grief felt as a widow or widower.

People come from their own perceptions and have a certain view because of where they are standing. Be aware that the advice or comments others make may be mind focussed, not coming from the heart.

Understand that love manifests in many ways and be grateful for any assistance given.

Friendships are built on love and trust. They are similar relationships to family but without some of the complications. Many times, what you tell your girlfriend is not the same as your mum. There is less screening with close friends and because you are often similar ages or come from similar backgrounds, it is easier to speak openly. With family, we may not speak as honestly because we want to protect them or ourselves.

Friends are good gauges of how well you are coping. They provide a good reflection on how they think you are. Listen and take on board suggestions given. In every bit of advice, there is some truth. Listen and then decide. During this time, your centre is wobbly and it is easy to miss things.

Getting more sleep, eating properly, or going out more are valuable suggestions. However, if you know that emotionally you are unable to socialize it is okay to decline. Your emotions are telling you to be alone and heal. However, on other occasions socializing is a better way to move to the next level.

Grief ebbs and flows. An invitation yesterday seems great until you wake up the next day in a blubbering mess. Some emotions have to ridden alone or in front of mindless television with loads of comfort food. There is a mask people wear socially and on the dark days even that cover is not enough. Our true friends understand that giving you space is the best gift for now.

Also be aware of controlling friends who want to live through your drama. They may attach and want to run your life. This is not friendship; this is power and control. Resist being bullied, even by a seemingly good friend.

Healing is a personal path. Some of us love having many people around to give support, while others prefer more time alone.

Your family and friends are the support vehicles during a torrid time. Embrace their presence.

Being a Mess during Grief

 

The Loneliness of Grief

 

Using the Widow/ Widower and Cancellation Card

The widow card is the card you use when you don’t want to do something. It allows you to decline and not show up. Use the widow card to extricate yourself from stressful or undesirable events. I did not wish to travel and used it. I was not up to a funeral so I did not go.

Being widowed is a daily struggle and some days are definitely better than others. Underneath everything runs a river of unrelenting sorrow. Unless someone has been down this path, they cannot know how it feels. Only you do.

Pull out the widow’s card as often as necessary. Bear no guilt and make no excuses. Grief entitles you to tender, loving care and time out. As you move through the months and years you heal and need the card less and less. However, at the beginning you have to protect yourself and the best person to know how to do this is you.

Maybe you agree to an outing then change your mind. It is fine to chop and change because your emotions are shifting continually. I cried every day for a year and it made normal life difficult. The widow card saved me many times.

I wanted to be like before able to achieve anything I set my heart on. However, the crippling pain and loss knocked me over and I was a shell of myself. Be kind to yourself. You are facing a monumental loss and it will take time to heal.

The more you use the widow’s card, the more others come to realize that you are not a super hero.

Making a cancelling policy is also preventative healing. During the grieving period use the cancellation policy. Make arrangements with the understanding that on a bad day you may cancel. Loss is an up and down experience and takes you by surprise. When you have been a reliable person not being able to function means the old routines need to be altered.

I told my family and friends about my cancelation policy. When I began to work, I informed my clients that I may cancel.

Grief changed me. I was unable to cope like before and I never knew when the difficult days were coming. Having an escape plan allowed me to arrange times with others, while ensuring I kept myself safe. Broken sleep or those nights of no sleep were unpredictable, as were the days of tears.

Unless you have been through loss you do not fully comprehend its impact. Your coping resources are compromised and when the passing took months or years, you are already exhausted.

By telling people you might cancel gives them a reality check. The grief does not go away in a few months after the death. It keeps on going for you. Everyone else is getting on with their lives, while you are facing your new reality every day. The cancelling policy makes others aware of your continued fragility. Yes, you may be better and seem more healed, but underneath lots is still happening.

It is as if the grief is submerged but ever-present.

I rarely cancelled, but it gave me peace of mind to have the choice. It made me more aware of myself and checking in with how I was really feeling. When the event was looming ahead, I had a feeling about going or not and cancelled earlier. Other times, I thought I would not go, but I was fine on the day.

You need to be constantly in touch with your emotional and mental state to make good decisions.

Cancelling is not bailing out. It is taking care of yourself.

 

Lonely and Missing You

I missed my husband dreadfully. It was like a deep ache in my body and soul. Nothing I did took it away and I came to accept that it was part of the grief I was feeling.

I missed him morning, noon and night. Some days were terrible as I sunk down with the realization that he was gone. You know what I mean. My head knew he had died, but my heart could not process it. The feeling in my heart was painful and heavy.

I was lonely for him and our life together as a couple. The loneliness is the greatest hurdle after loss. There is the loneliness when you are alone and another loneliness when you are pining. After loss, pining is a good description for how you feel. You want your loved one and your life back. Even though they have left, the love you feel has not gone. You look out at your new life and there are empty spaces everywhere. It is depressing and life feels foreign.

Over the months, I became more used to the hours alone. Instead of being with another person every day, my world became more of an inner world. The early morning and nights were the worse. During these times, I planned activities and rang friends. I was grateful for those who rang or made time to meet me. Although they were not my partner, it was good to see others. In the process, I learned how to arrive alone and leave alone to various places and events. I often cried on the way there and on the way home. I had been in a marriage where we had spent lots of time together and the change in my lifestyle took some adjusting.

When you feel lonely try to connect to others. Leave the house and visit family and friends. On the empty days, go shopping and speak to others you meet or who serve you. Being single takes practice and your first attempts at sitting alone in coffee shops or the movies are challenging and weird. However, the more you do, the easier it becomes. I had several times on outings when my tears welled up and I found the loneliness excruciating. As time passed, I became better as I put on a smile and tried to make the most of it.

Accepting it helps. Acknowledge you are alone and lonely. Become your best friend and sometimes, only friend. This shift of consciousness is slow and painful. Some days you will do well and then struggle on other days.

It feels less lonely being occupied. I wrote a list of activities to do that I used to enjoy. I made a list of chores and households jobs needing completion. On the lost days, I checked the list and mechanically did some of the activities. The time passed more quickly and at least, I achieved something. Although some jobs are mindless, they helped me move ahead. By shifting everything physically, we also make an energetic shift.

The Outpouring of Grief

 At the start, it is normal to have constant meltdowns, big and small. The grief spills into everything. I broke down at coffee shops, in banks, and at the slightest provocation. The floodgates opened and the tears flowed unrelentingly.

The greater the loss, the more meltdowns we suffer.

The best outcome is to accept that it is unavoidable and not a sign of weakness. Be kind to yourself. I expected the meltdowns to be easier after a few months, only to find them getting worse. I hoped before I set off for the party or shopping trip those previous hours of tears would “dry” me up. However, it was not something that I relied on.

It is surprising with the amount of heartache around that there are not more people crying in public places. Time is a great healer and although meltdowns are annoying, they are good because they release pent-up emotions. You find in time the episodes lessen in intensity, and there are bigger gaps between them.

The more we loved, the bigger the buckets of tears. You have two buckets. You lose the person and also the relationship. I cried every day for months and months; morning, noon, and night. The tears were never ending. I gave up trying to hold them back and simply cried them out. There were loud, sobbing tears and silent, hot ones. Sometimes, it took a few minutes and other days I cried for hours until my eyes burned and my face puffed up.

There are people who never cry and that is another issue. Not being able to cry brings its own problems. A friend of mine wished she could cry, but no tears came. She felt there was nowhere for her grief to express itself. Later, she suffered from breast cancer and I wonder whether her repressed grief manifested by getting ill.

It is normal to cry in private and then unexpectedly, in public. There is no pattern or warning. Accept the tears will flow and arrive whenever. In the beginning, I was embarrassed crying in public places and when visiting family and friends. I kept apologizing. However, my son explained that no one judged me. If anything, they felt compassion for me and were ready to offer comfort.

The tears are physical manifestations of your love. Over time, the bucket of tears empties somewhat and you cry less.

During the weeks and months, you may encounter what I call the grief abyss. The grief abyss is way past normal daily grief. The abyss seems to release your deepest and most excruciating grief. Falling into the abyss happens without warning. You seem to be doing okay and then bang, it is abyss time. I call it the abyss because the emotions are like nothing I had ever experienced.

When it first happened, I felt terrible. It was a sorrow and depth of despair like a massive, dark pit. Once in the abyss, I felt unable to pull myself out.

It was unlike a meltdown, it felt like a breakdown.

After a couple of abyss experiences, I decided to let it all out and be there until it ended. The pain was unbearable and I cried and sobbed in a way I had never done before. My whole being ached and shook with the grief. Despair and a sense of incredible loneliness swamped me.

You may try to circumvent the abyss, but letting it release is better. Your emotions are genuine and inside of you. They are coming to the surface in an attempt to be processed. Feeling them and allowing yourself to succumb and weather it is better.

Often, the abyss occurs when you are alone at night or early in the morning. Being alone is best. Then you are able to fully express your hurt and misery without being on show.

Letting the emotions emerge and moving through is a painful ordeal. The crying is different. It is as if your soul is crying tears of unimaginable pain. Time is non-existent and you come out of it exhausted and empty. I felt like I was dying emotionally. After a few episodes, I simply sat in the abyss and allowed it happen. The next day I was “hung over” from the whole experience. Instead of trying to be positive or normal, I gave the day to the abyss and mechanically got through it.

More importantly, I managed to be with it and did not try to control it. Surrendering was my best option. Every emotion is valid and obviously, I was feeling what was deep inside of me. On a physical level, I felt like my insides were coming out emotionally.

The abyss is cathartic and healing long term. However, the hours you are in it are excruciating.

 

The Loss

The tears stream down my face,

Hot and sad,

I sob with the pain

Of losing you.

My love alone in the stillness of loss.

You are all around me

And yet not here.

The love I feels consumes my broken heart.

And yet you are not here.

My mind and soul know you are gone.

Yet you are in my heart,

I sit alone without you

With my tears,

In my broken world.

 

Loss

 

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

After my partner of four decades died unexpectedly, I searched for books etc. to help me navigate through the turmoil that happens before and after they pass.

In the end, I decided to write a book about how I coped and not coped. I wanted to write about how it was for me and probably for many others. Some of the book will resonate with you, some parts may not be part of your experience.

However, it is a trueful account of the many issues that I encountered and how I found ways to make it an easier transition from being a couple to being single.

I hope your journey brings you to a place of acceptance and peace.

Up and Down of Grief

 

Being a Mess During Grief

 

Third Year of Grief

 

One day at a time

Go slowly through your grief and do the "one day at a time" method. Every morning, I check in with myself and decide what I can handle. By doing this, I keep moving through the weeks and also take care of myself.

I am not who I used to be. You are not who you used to be. Loss changes us and breaks our heart. Once I came to this acceptance, life became easier. I stopped trying to return to my former self and just took the time I needed. Super women was gone and with that many other roles I did so effortlessly.

Honestly, I hardly knew who this new person was. Take heart because in a funny way we are morphing into another aspect of who we can be. Stronger and more compassionate. Able to survive against enormous emotional odds.

Loss taught me that even when the worse thing in life happens, I am still here almost intact...ha ha.

You will survive this and find happier days. Your heart may always miss and ache for your loved one but there is beauty and love around you.

Life is hard especially emotionally and loss is all about emotions. You are healing your heart so give it time and space. Day by day.

Remember, your heart is in rehab. Be gentle with yourself. 

Love, Wendy x

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Doing it your way

Unless you have experienced deep loss, you cannot really understand the wider implications. Many people suggest things but I urge you to follow your own feelings. Only you know how it feels...well kinda. Some days I could not even comprehend where I was in the whole process.

However, please by guided by your own instincts.....yes, they are still there. Follow your own pace and do what you can when you can.

 Grief fluctuates and it is best to use a day by day approach.

You are not always getting better...some days you are getting worse, so rest and soothe yourself. Go back to work when you decide, begin socializing when you want and do not always listen to others.

Remember that they are not carrying the emotional load you are. Their well meaning suggestions come from a another space of normal life. The life we had before but now does not exist. What they suggest is doable from their perspective but seems insurmountable for us.

Go at your own pace. Forget about the 2 year it is all over idea. The loss process is slow and unpredictable.

Day by day. You know best what feels possible and what is another burden on a bad day.

Trust yourself and stop feeling weak or guilty for not being able to function as before.

Grief is crippling and therefore, allow your healing to take as long as needed. I just keep giving myself more time and have lessened the pressure on myself to get over it now.

We are all works in progress. Love yourself enough to allow the healing to take as long as you need.

Take care of yourself.

Love, Wendy x

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Are you experiencing distress?

Distress is a heightened feeling of extreme anxiety, sorrow and pain.

 No one speaks about the distress you feel when a loved one dies.

I had weeks and months of this extreme emotion and initially, did not recognise I was experiencing distress. Because it went on for ages and stayed at a high level, I was consumed by it every day.

Perhaps you have been actually living in a distressed space without having a word for that emotion.

Distress is consuming and tiring. 

I would wake up at all hours and have this awful feeling.  I felt like it was overwhelming the day or night. Eventually, the episodes of being very distressed lessened but then it would come out of nowhere and upset me.

It does pass but you generally have to ride the storm.

Remember grief has many layers so be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself and use whatever works to soothe your soul.

Love, Wendy x

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