Victim and Survivor

There is a victim and survivor response to grief. You may switch from one to the other. However, long-term you choose to become a victim or a survivor.

Survivors continue to deal with past, while living in the present and future. Survivors want to heal, whereas victims want to remain in pain. It is normal to fluctuate in the beginning from victim to survivor. On the grief forums, I noticed that some people stayed in the victim space for decades. They lived in the past and could not be in their present world and be happy.

The person who is left behind always suffers the most emotionally. Although the loved one may have died in pain and fear when you are the surviving partner, the death is a pain that is unbearable. In truth, everyone knows that in a committed relationship one of you is going to pay the price.

How you handle it says a lot about your view of life. Survivors tend to have a fighting spirit and seek solutions. Victims get stuck and find problems to every solution.

Don’t stress about feeling victim like. Loss is a tough road to travel and stumbling into the victim hole is usual. However, staying there is a choice. I allowed myself some pity me time and then got back to working on myself. It was empowering to move from victim to survivor. Of course, I was a bit bruised and battered, but I was not going to let this make me into a victim forever.

Loss teaches you how difficult life can be. However, on a positive note, you become more compassionate towards yourself and others. In retrospect, I marvel at others who have navigated through the years of loss.

No matter how bad the pain, you will survive. After months of grief Ground Hog Day, you want it to disappear. The underlying emotions spoil every day, and it is human to wish the pain to go.

However, grief is ever-present. All the faking and trying to keep positive, mask the true misery. You need to hold on to hope and do whatever makes you happy, but do not think you fail because the feelings remain as raw as before.

Although you can’t have the past back, being stuck in this terrible space takes adjustment. At first, I thought I could pass through the valley of death and feel better. My idea of feeling better meant being happy again. This was not reality. It took time to accept my unhappy space and try to move ahead. Every week seemed like a rerun of the last week. Seemingly good days were when I only cried once and bad days when the crying did not stop for hours.

Lowering expectations helps. Be realistic and ride the storm. Eventually, the pain and misery morph and you get more used to it. Your ability to survive increases and you learn to live with it.

Keep looking to the future. The misery and pain will lessen as you move ahead and accept your new life.

Grief brings many lessons and strengthens us, even when we feel at our weakest.

The Outpouring of Grief

 At the start, it is normal to have constant meltdowns, big and small. The grief spills into everything. I broke down at coffee shops, in banks, and at the slightest provocation. The floodgates opened and the tears flowed unrelentingly.

The greater the loss, the more meltdowns we suffer.

The best outcome is to accept that it is unavoidable and not a sign of weakness. Be kind to yourself. I expected the meltdowns to be easier after a few months, only to find them getting worse. I hoped before I set off for the party or shopping trip those previous hours of tears would “dry” me up. However, it was not something that I relied on.

It is surprising with the amount of heartache around that there are not more people crying in public places. Time is a great healer and although meltdowns are annoying, they are good because they release pent-up emotions. You find in time the episodes lessen in intensity, and there are bigger gaps between them.

The more we loved, the bigger the buckets of tears. You have two buckets. You lose the person and also the relationship. I cried every day for months and months; morning, noon, and night. The tears were never ending. I gave up trying to hold them back and simply cried them out. There were loud, sobbing tears and silent, hot ones. Sometimes, it took a few minutes and other days I cried for hours until my eyes burned and my face puffed up.

There are people who never cry and that is another issue. Not being able to cry brings its own problems. A friend of mine wished she could cry, but no tears came. She felt there was nowhere for her grief to express itself. Later, she suffered from breast cancer and I wonder whether her repressed grief manifested by getting ill.

It is normal to cry in private and then unexpectedly, in public. There is no pattern or warning. Accept the tears will flow and arrive whenever. In the beginning, I was embarrassed crying in public places and when visiting family and friends. I kept apologizing. However, my son explained that no one judged me. If anything, they felt compassion for me and were ready to offer comfort.

The tears are physical manifestations of your love. Over time, the bucket of tears empties somewhat and you cry less.

During the weeks and months, you may encounter what I call the grief abyss. The grief abyss is way past normal daily grief. The abyss seems to release your deepest and most excruciating grief. Falling into the abyss happens without warning. You seem to be doing okay and then bang, it is abyss time. I call it the abyss because the emotions are like nothing I had ever experienced.

When it first happened, I felt terrible. It was a sorrow and depth of despair like a massive, dark pit. Once in the abyss, I felt unable to pull myself out.

It was unlike a meltdown, it felt like a breakdown.

After a couple of abyss experiences, I decided to let it all out and be there until it ended. The pain was unbearable and I cried and sobbed in a way I had never done before. My whole being ached and shook with the grief. Despair and a sense of incredible loneliness swamped me.

You may try to circumvent the abyss, but letting it release is better. Your emotions are genuine and inside of you. They are coming to the surface in an attempt to be processed. Feeling them and allowing yourself to succumb and weather it is better.

Often, the abyss occurs when you are alone at night or early in the morning. Being alone is best. Then you are able to fully express your hurt and misery without being on show.

Letting the emotions emerge and moving through is a painful ordeal. The crying is different. It is as if your soul is crying tears of unimaginable pain. Time is non-existent and you come out of it exhausted and empty. I felt like I was dying emotionally. After a few episodes, I simply sat in the abyss and allowed it happen. The next day I was “hung over” from the whole experience. Instead of trying to be positive or normal, I gave the day to the abyss and mechanically got through it.

More importantly, I managed to be with it and did not try to control it. Surrendering was my best option. Every emotion is valid and obviously, I was feeling what was deep inside of me. On a physical level, I felt like my insides were coming out emotionally.

The abyss is cathartic and healing long term. However, the hours you are in it are excruciating.

Are you experiencing distress?

Distress is a heightened feeling of extreme anxiety, sorrow and pain.

 No one speaks about the distress you feel when a loved one dies.

I had weeks and months of this extreme emotion and initially, did not recognise I was experiencing distress. Because it went on for ages and stayed at a high level, I was consumed by it every day.

Perhaps you have been actually living in a distressed space without having a word for that emotion.

Distress is consuming and tiring. 

I would wake up at all hours and have this awful feeling.  I felt like it was overwhelming the day or night. Eventually, the episodes of being very distressed lessened but then it would come out of nowhere and upset me.

It does pass but you generally have to ride the storm.

Remember grief has many layers so be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself and use whatever works to soothe your soul.

Love, Wendy x

My other social media:

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100035803651875

https://twitter.com/WendyTulips

https://wendiiedwards.blogspot.com/

https://www.wendyedwardsbooks.com/

https://www.pinterest.com.au/wendiedward/

https://soundcloud.com/wendiedward

https://www.mixcloud.com/wendyedwards/

Missing the old life

I found a lot of the sadness comes from missing the person and the times you shared together.

You have the memories but they are only shells of what you shared. 

The missing is quite acute some days and on special occasions. I cried more during these times and before, during and after the special day.

Nurture and be kind to yourself because you are hurting. There is also disappointment because life will never be the same again. That finality is difficult to bear.

In a way, I was grateful to have the memories but they highlighted the alone feeling.

Know you are not alone because thousands of us are all going through what you are...just with a different relationship.

The pain does ease, but perhaps it never really goes away.

Love, Wendy x