The Loneliness of Grief

 

Lonely and Missing You

I missed my husband dreadfully. It was like a deep ache in my body and soul. Nothing I did took it away and I came to accept that it was part of the grief I was feeling.

I missed him morning, noon and night. Some days were terrible as I sunk down with the realization that he was gone. You know what I mean. My head knew he had died, but my heart could not process it. The feeling in my heart was painful and heavy.

I was lonely for him and our life together as a couple. The loneliness is the greatest hurdle after loss. There is the loneliness when you are alone and another loneliness when you are pining. After loss, pining is a good description for how you feel. You want your loved one and your life back. Even though they have left, the love you feel has not gone. You look out at your new life and there are empty spaces everywhere. It is depressing and life feels foreign.

Over the months, I became more used to the hours alone. Instead of being with another person every day, my world became more of an inner world. The early morning and nights were the worse. During these times, I planned activities and rang friends. I was grateful for those who rang or made time to meet me. Although they were not my partner, it was good to see others. In the process, I learned how to arrive alone and leave alone to various places and events. I often cried on the way there and on the way home. I had been in a marriage where we had spent lots of time together and the change in my lifestyle took some adjusting.

When you feel lonely try to connect to others. Leave the house and visit family and friends. On the empty days, go shopping and speak to others you meet or who serve you. Being single takes practice and your first attempts at sitting alone in coffee shops or the movies are challenging and weird. However, the more you do, the easier it becomes. I had several times on outings when my tears welled up and I found the loneliness excruciating. As time passed, I became better as I put on a smile and tried to make the most of it.

Accepting it helps. Acknowledge you are alone and lonely. Become your best friend and sometimes, only friend. This shift of consciousness is slow and painful. Some days you will do well and then struggle on other days.

It feels less lonely being occupied. I wrote a list of activities to do that I used to enjoy. I made a list of chores and households jobs needing completion. On the lost days, I checked the list and mechanically did some of the activities. The time passed more quickly and at least, I achieved something. Although some jobs are mindless, they helped me move ahead. By shifting everything physically, we also make an energetic shift.

The Physical, Emotional, Mental and Soul Loss

 Every day I breathe into the pain of your absence.

The physical loss is the easiest to understand. The person is gone and your environment is changed forever. Your time together is finished. They will never walk in the door again or send you a text. You cannot talk to them or sit and have coffee and cake like before.

The physical loss is massive and unavoidable. It creates a vacuum your life and resounds in the house. Their chair is empty and you no longer hear their voice or laughter. Sometimes, when it was bad, I imagined my husband was lying next to me. It was ridiculous, but for a moment I was pretending he was around. Often, people play the voicemail message on the phone over and over to hear their voice or watch old family videos to have some connection.

In the early morning and at night are usually poignant times. The rush of the day has either not begun or finished, and without distraction their physical loss is more noticeable.

There are constant reminders of them in the form of objects or personal belongings. Your mind sees them sitting in their chair or washing dishes in the kitchen. The house has a hole in it physically.

Many people decide to move house, but it only removes so much. In your mind, you continue to remember the old times.

If you remain in the house the physical reminders are hard to avoid. Sometimes, you may gain comfort by physical mementoes, but on a messy day they may unravel you.

Never dismiss how challenging the physical loss is.

The emotional loss is massive. We have emotional connections to people that we care about. Therefore, the loss of this connection is terrible. The love you shared travelled from your heart to theirs. Now you have no way to channel that love. It may be sent to them spiritually, but it is not the same as being together here on earth.

Giving love was part of the relationship, and it is strange to have no way to express it. No hugs, no kisses, and no words. I recognized that the love I had was there inside my heart. However, although I sent him love, it was not the same. The connection felt like it went one way and I felt alone.

Not being loved affects you as well. After being loved and living in a state of love to be in this barren space is dreadful. You are alone and isolated emotionally. You may give love to everyone else, but there is a gap in your world. Your heart is bursting with all that love with nowhere to go.

When we are in any relationship there is the mental connection. After loss not being able to talk to each other is hard. Before your mental connection as a couple may have been almost telepathic and you both easily picked up on each other.

Usually, the sharing had brought you closer and now the mental loss is huge. Certain relationships have special parts when it comes to the mental part. It may be the interests you shared or similar values. The ability to talk about various aspects of your lives are missing. When you shared your deepest thoughts then the loss is big.

I chatted to my partner and shared many thoughts and worries. Just having another soul to be all of myself was liberating and healing. Once I lost this, my entire world changed. He was not there to ask for an opinion or make a major decision with. Of course, you had other people, but it was not the same.

The loneliness with loss is significant because there is no one to share ourselves with like we did. Even when at times we did not talk, there was mutual understanding and a nurturing connection.

In certain relationships, we may have been soulmates. A soulmate is usually a partner with whom who we feel a strong affinity and who loves and accepts us completely. It is a bond like no other. These relationships can be telepathic as we are so connected. There are shared emotions, values and interests and it sets a firm foundation for us. There seems to be no other person for us than them.

The love shared is deep and lasting, and soulmates usually surmount any problems that threaten the relationship. Losing a soulmate feels irreplaceable, and therefore, the soul loss is massive.

Instead of feeling like it is easy to move forward with another partner, we may feel like we can never find love and the same kind of relationship again.

Having been soulmates makes getting over the loss much harder.

Being a Mess During Grief

 

Missing the old life

I found a lot of the sadness comes from missing the person and the times you shared together.

You have the memories but they are only shells of what you shared. 

The missing is quite acute some days and on special occasions. I cried more during these times and before, during and after the special day.

Nurture and be kind to yourself because you are hurting. There is also disappointment because life will never be the same again. That finality is difficult to bear.

In a way, I was grateful to have the memories but they highlighted the alone feeling.

Know you are not alone because thousands of us are all going through what you are...just with a different relationship.

The pain does ease, but perhaps it never really goes away.

Love, Wendy x

Being emotionally upset

Losing a loved one makes you feel very emotionally upset. I felt upset about the obvious loss but there were more things than that. The hopes and dreams I had for the future were gone and I was upset being widowed. I was upset at being alone and with the way others responded or did not respond to my situation. I was upset my world was such an emotional mess!!!

Those around us often have a happy life. We might have had that life too. But now there is no way of getting back that feeling. Happiness is only fleeting. An outing with a close friend, a laugh during a movie or watching the sunset.

Coming to terms with this new and unhappy life takes a lot of adjustment. You know what I mean. You try to be positive and see the blessings around but inside there is an aching hole.

It definitely is the life before they died, and the life afterwards. 

The past is in the past but honestly, it does affect the present and the future. Take your time and only do what you can. Others are not trying to function with a broken heart.

I know we will learn to live this new life. I know we can do it. However, the emotional cost is massive and far-reaching.

Never feel like a failure when it comes to grief.

Navigating through the weeks and months is difficult and tiring. I was totally devastated and lost. Getting my bearings back was a slow and painful journey. Although I kept positive, the underlying emotions were there every day.

I used Emotional Freedom Tapping, release work, meditating, exercise, free writing and talking to friends as ways to let go of the mountain of sadness and disappointment I felt. Maybe you have some ways of your own to release your emotions.

Emotional pain is one of the worse pains because without expressing and releasing the feelings, it consumes us. I continue every day to acknowledge how I feel and let it go. There are layers of it and as I clear one, another surfaces. However, I feel that in the long run I will work my way through the grief and find some peace emotionally.

I send you love and hope you will begin to heal from your loss.

Remember, we only want to lose the emotions, not the memory or love we felt for our loved one.

Love, Wendy x

Early morning

Hi, woke up at 5 early morning as you well know. Probably Easter break on my mind. Second Easter alone.
I used the time to treat myself with coffee and chocolate and then blogged. My heart goes out to all of you reading this because sometimes it does feel never-ending.

But we are getting stronger every day...even on the messy ones. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with love and support. Join a grief site or ring a friend. The grief forums are great at 3 in the morning...lots online or Facebook. I have one called on Facebook called Surviving Grief and there are many others with active members who will message you back. Other survivors will answer you and offer comfort. Check them out.

Thinking of you this holiday break and hoping your day has some happy moments.

Love, Wendy x