Depression and Despair

Depression is a massive outcome with loss. All the issues we face when we are depressed may surface. At first, I did not comprehend how depressed I was. It was only as the weeks passed by that it finally dawned on me.

Depression is a difficult emotion because it permeates your entire life. The fatigue, apathy, sleeping problems, eating, and low mood impact on every moment. However, as you adjust and begin to accept your loss and rebuild your world, the depression lifts.

Although you hanker for how it used to be your life is completely different. In this new place, you are alone and everything is a challenge.

When I realized how depressed I was I began to implement change. To heal myself I used uplifting herbs and ginseng to fortify my body. Tapping helped enormously as did Qigong and exercise. I made sure my diet included fruits and vegetables, as well as a few treats. There is a direct correlation between the brain and the gut. New research is finding that our mood and our digestion are intrinsically linked.

Instead of focussing on doom and gloom, I allowed those thoughts and emotions to come up and then I let them go. We forget how much power our mind has if we let it run unchecked. By rewriting our internal script, we allay the darker aspects from manifesting.

There is a saying that you are as happy or unhappy as you chose to be. Even though it sounds simple and possibly unattainable right now, you do possess the power to steer yourself into a positive space. There is always suffering around. However, the amount of focus you give this suffering is entirely in your control.

Crying and feeling sorry for yourself is a cleansing action, but it is no good getting stuck there. The idea is to feel the emotions, clear them out and move ahead.

Depression involves stagnation, so any movement forward from a physical, emotional, or mental space is beneficial. For some of us there much to move out and it may take longer. However, every release and shift bring us into a happier place.

I tried as much as possible to be positive in my negative space. It felt weird because my inner and outer world were falling apart. Still, enjoying my morning coffee or watching the night skies gave me momentary pleasure and joy.

Keep letting the depression go and be replaced with love, peace, and joy. Your intention to move it makes it shift. You are the master of your life and how you view life is a choice. See this as a life experience, rather than a curse. On the positive side, your compassion for others along a similar journey increases and you recognize your ability to adapt.

We are what we feel and think. By planting happy thoughts and experiencing good emotions, we make less room for depression. Listen to the inner voice and change the dialogue when needed. It takes effort to rewrite our responses, but it is worth doing.

Nothing lasts forever, unless you never let it go.

Despair is the absence of hope. Going through grief makes us feel despair. The countless hours alone, the empty bed, and the missing partner gives little hope. You may feel like it’s all too hard and want to give up. You look ahead and see more lonely days stretching forever.

I felt massive despair during many long days and nights. I despaired I would never be happy again. However, gradually I tried to replace my hopelessness with positive thoughts. He was never coming back and I had to adjust to my new reality.

Some people never recover from loss. They simply resign themselves to their life and suffer in silence.

You are not losing your mind when despair hits. It is a normal reaction to a monumental change. You are tired and sad so wanting to give up is understandable. Reach out during this time and ask for help. Often, we need others to pull us out of the bog. Try to find some happy things to focus on and plan something good.

The death of a partner is nothing like the death of a parent or friend. Your soulmate is gone and you pine.

You will get better and the despair lifts. However, it is an awful feeling to endure.

 

The Void

There is a void after loss. An emptiness that no one or nothing fills. Living in the void is the price you pay for the loss of a loved one. I found that the void times were worse in the morning and evening. Somehow, I distracted myself better during the day.

I dreaded the void. Every day I knew I would face it and I never felt prepared. In the first few weeks, certain days were like an eternity. Going to bed early worked, but not always. In the middle of the night, the void was harder. There was nobody to talk to and nobody to hug. I ached during these never-ending nights.

In an attempt to fill the void, try to plan activities ahead and save your phone calls for the void days. A well-timed call, surfing the net, and social media are lifesavers.

On particular days when you are emotionally messy, the void is difficult to cope with. Your emotions are strong after loss and the demons get to you more easily. There are times when you fill the void with endless tears and that is normal. The void is unavoidable and in time, you learn to fill it with life. However, the loss of a loved one is never truly filled and with this understanding, it is easier to cope with.

Don’t be hard on yourself during the days or weeks when the void is present. You are struggling with many issues and your resources are low. Sometimes, you sail through the day and felt elated to be making progress, only to fall into the void again.

In the end, there will always be an empty space in your life where your loved one stood. Accept that when you have loved another, it is okay the space remains. However, life goes on and we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to live as fully as we can.

 

Lonely and Missing You

I missed my husband dreadfully. It was like a deep ache in my body and soul. Nothing I did took it away and I came to accept that it was part of the grief I was feeling.

I missed him morning, noon and night. Some days were terrible as I sunk down with the realization that he was gone. You know what I mean. My head knew he had died, but my heart could not process it. The feeling in my heart was painful and heavy.

I was lonely for him and our life together as a couple. The loneliness is the greatest hurdle after loss. There is the loneliness when you are alone and another loneliness when you are pining. After loss, pining is a good description for how you feel. You want your loved one and your life back. Even though they have left, the love you feel has not gone. You look out at your new life and there are empty spaces everywhere. It is depressing and life feels foreign.

Over the months, I became more used to the hours alone. Instead of being with another person every day, my world became more of an inner world. The early morning and nights were the worse. During these times, I planned activities and rang friends. I was grateful for those who rang or made time to meet me. Although they were not my partner, it was good to see others. In the process, I learned how to arrive alone and leave alone to various places and events. I often cried on the way there and on the way home. I had been in a marriage where we had spent lots of time together and the change in my lifestyle took some adjusting.

When you feel lonely try to connect to others. Leave the house and visit family and friends. On the empty days, go shopping and speak to others you meet or who serve you. Being single takes practice and your first attempts at sitting alone in coffee shops or the movies are challenging and weird. However, the more you do, the easier it becomes. I had several times on outings when my tears welled up and I found the loneliness excruciating. As time passed, I became better as I put on a smile and tried to make the most of it.

Accepting it helps. Acknowledge you are alone and lonely. Become your best friend and sometimes, only friend. This shift of consciousness is slow and painful. Some days you will do well and then struggle on other days.

It feels less lonely being occupied. I wrote a list of activities to do that I used to enjoy. I made a list of chores and households jobs needing completion. On the lost days, I checked the list and mechanically did some of the activities. The time passed more quickly and at least, I achieved something. Although some jobs are mindless, they helped me move ahead. By shifting everything physically, we also make an energetic shift.

The Outpouring of Grief

 At the start, it is normal to have constant meltdowns, big and small. The grief spills into everything. I broke down at coffee shops, in banks, and at the slightest provocation. The floodgates opened and the tears flowed unrelentingly.

The greater the loss, the more meltdowns we suffer.

The best outcome is to accept that it is unavoidable and not a sign of weakness. Be kind to yourself. I expected the meltdowns to be easier after a few months, only to find them getting worse. I hoped before I set off for the party or shopping trip those previous hours of tears would “dry” me up. However, it was not something that I relied on.

It is surprising with the amount of heartache around that there are not more people crying in public places. Time is a great healer and although meltdowns are annoying, they are good because they release pent-up emotions. You find in time the episodes lessen in intensity, and there are bigger gaps between them.

The more we loved, the bigger the buckets of tears. You have two buckets. You lose the person and also the relationship. I cried every day for months and months; morning, noon, and night. The tears were never ending. I gave up trying to hold them back and simply cried them out. There were loud, sobbing tears and silent, hot ones. Sometimes, it took a few minutes and other days I cried for hours until my eyes burned and my face puffed up.

There are people who never cry and that is another issue. Not being able to cry brings its own problems. A friend of mine wished she could cry, but no tears came. She felt there was nowhere for her grief to express itself. Later, she suffered from breast cancer and I wonder whether her repressed grief manifested by getting ill.

It is normal to cry in private and then unexpectedly, in public. There is no pattern or warning. Accept the tears will flow and arrive whenever. In the beginning, I was embarrassed crying in public places and when visiting family and friends. I kept apologizing. However, my son explained that no one judged me. If anything, they felt compassion for me and were ready to offer comfort.

The tears are physical manifestations of your love. Over time, the bucket of tears empties somewhat and you cry less.

During the weeks and months, you may encounter what I call the grief abyss. The grief abyss is way past normal daily grief. The abyss seems to release your deepest and most excruciating grief. Falling into the abyss happens without warning. You seem to be doing okay and then bang, it is abyss time. I call it the abyss because the emotions are like nothing I had ever experienced.

When it first happened, I felt terrible. It was a sorrow and depth of despair like a massive, dark pit. Once in the abyss, I felt unable to pull myself out.

It was unlike a meltdown, it felt like a breakdown.

After a couple of abyss experiences, I decided to let it all out and be there until it ended. The pain was unbearable and I cried and sobbed in a way I had never done before. My whole being ached and shook with the grief. Despair and a sense of incredible loneliness swamped me.

You may try to circumvent the abyss, but letting it release is better. Your emotions are genuine and inside of you. They are coming to the surface in an attempt to be processed. Feeling them and allowing yourself to succumb and weather it is better.

Often, the abyss occurs when you are alone at night or early in the morning. Being alone is best. Then you are able to fully express your hurt and misery without being on show.

Letting the emotions emerge and moving through is a painful ordeal. The crying is different. It is as if your soul is crying tears of unimaginable pain. Time is non-existent and you come out of it exhausted and empty. I felt like I was dying emotionally. After a few episodes, I simply sat in the abyss and allowed it happen. The next day I was “hung over” from the whole experience. Instead of trying to be positive or normal, I gave the day to the abyss and mechanically got through it.

More importantly, I managed to be with it and did not try to control it. Surrendering was my best option. Every emotion is valid and obviously, I was feeling what was deep inside of me. On a physical level, I felt like my insides were coming out emotionally.

The abyss is cathartic and healing long term. However, the hours you are in it are excruciating.

Being Kind to Yourself

 During the grief process, we need to be kind to ourselves, It is such a difficult time and there are many hurdles to jump. Berating ourselves for not achieving it all is counter-productive. 

This is one of the most terrible times of our lives and we do what we can. Sometimes, even getting a meal on the table is too hard or leaving the house. But remember that we are in the grieving place are not alright. 

I felt like a shell of myself unable to do the most simple things. I was in a fog of grief only going through the motions. Be gentle with yourself, kind and loving. 

In time, we become better and able to return to our lives on some level, but be aware of your situation. Say No when you can't do it, No when you need time alone, and No to anything that adds more stress. In a way, be a little selfish because no-one feels like you do. 

Part of our recovery is taking care of ourselves and knowing what we can and cannot do. 

Love, Wendy x

Being a Mess During Grief

 

The First Year of Grief

 

One day at a time

Go slowly through your grief and do the "one day at a time" method. Every morning, I check in with myself and decide what I can handle. By doing this, I keep moving through the weeks and also take care of myself.

I am not who I used to be. You are not who you used to be. Loss changes us and breaks our heart. Once I came to this acceptance, life became easier. I stopped trying to return to my former self and just took the time I needed. Super women was gone and with that many other roles I did so effortlessly.

Honestly, I hardly knew who this new person was. Take heart because in a funny way we are morphing into another aspect of who we can be. Stronger and more compassionate. Able to survive against enormous emotional odds.

Loss taught me that even when the worse thing in life happens, I am still here almost intact...ha ha.

You will survive this and find happier days. Your heart may always miss and ache for your loved one but there is beauty and love around you.

Life is hard especially emotionally and loss is all about emotions. You are healing your heart so give it time and space. Day by day.

Remember, your heart is in rehab. Be gentle with yourself. 

Love, Wendy x

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Doing it your way

Unless you have experienced deep loss, you cannot really understand the wider implications. Many people suggest things but I urge you to follow your own feelings. Only you know how it feels...well kinda. Some days I could not even comprehend where I was in the whole process.

However, please by guided by your own instincts.....yes, they are still there. Follow your own pace and do what you can when you can.

 Grief fluctuates and it is best to use a day by day approach.

You are not always getting better...some days you are getting worse, so rest and soothe yourself. Go back to work when you decide, begin socializing when you want and do not always listen to others.

Remember that they are not carrying the emotional load you are. Their well meaning suggestions come from a another space of normal life. The life we had before but now does not exist. What they suggest is doable from their perspective but seems insurmountable for us.

Go at your own pace. Forget about the 2 year it is all over idea. The loss process is slow and unpredictable.

Day by day. You know best what feels possible and what is another burden on a bad day.

Trust yourself and stop feeling weak or guilty for not being able to function as before.

Grief is crippling and therefore, allow your healing to take as long as needed. I just keep giving myself more time and have lessened the pressure on myself to get over it now.

We are all works in progress. Love yourself enough to allow the healing to take as long as you need.

Take care of yourself.

Love, Wendy x

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Are you experiencing distress?

Distress is a heightened feeling of extreme anxiety, sorrow and pain.

 No one speaks about the distress you feel when a loved one dies.

I had weeks and months of this extreme emotion and initially, did not recognise I was experiencing distress. Because it went on for ages and stayed at a high level, I was consumed by it every day.

Perhaps you have been actually living in a distressed space without having a word for that emotion.

Distress is consuming and tiring. 

I would wake up at all hours and have this awful feeling.  I felt like it was overwhelming the day or night. Eventually, the episodes of being very distressed lessened but then it would come out of nowhere and upset me.

It does pass but you generally have to ride the storm.

Remember grief has many layers so be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself and use whatever works to soothe your soul.

Love, Wendy x

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Healing a lonely heart

Finding your happy place

Once a loved one dies, nothing is ever as before. The structure of your former life is changed and the days ahead seem empty.

Grief leaves an aching hole in your heart. 

Surviving on a daily or sometimes, hourly level are your new challenges. I found that the sadness was consuming and getting back some semblance of happiness was hard.

However, try every day to do or enjoy something that makes you happy. It may be lovely breakfast, a walk through the park, or doing a hobby. When possible laugh and smile again. In these small moments, we are happy and it reminds us that life is still beautiful.

The truth is that the grief walks with us regardless of what is happening around us. I tried to be mindful and focus on that moment of happiness or joy. To fully immerse myself in this time and give my day a ray of sunshine.

It is like the break in the clouds when a little light peeps through.

Gradually, as time passes you may have more of these moments and slowly your life becomes less painful. Do not feel guilty for being happy because happiness does not mean our deeper feelings of loss are gone. We simply focus on another aspect of life for a while.

The journey is difficult and challenging. However, our greatest challenge is to go ahead without them. To find meaning again in our world and rebuild it gradually.

 Allow yourself to be happy again, while carrying them in your heart forever. They would not want us to suffer without them here on earth.

Love, Wendy x .

Being emotionally upset

Losing a loved one makes you feel very emotionally upset. I felt upset about the obvious loss but there were more things than that. The hopes and dreams I had for the future were gone and I was upset being widowed. I was upset at being alone and with the way others responded or did not respond to my situation. I was upset my world was such an emotional mess!!!

Those around us often have a happy life. We might have had that life too. But now there is no way of getting back that feeling. Happiness is only fleeting. An outing with a close friend, a laugh during a movie or watching the sunset.

Coming to terms with this new and unhappy life takes a lot of adjustment. You know what I mean. You try to be positive and see the blessings around but inside there is an aching hole.

It definitely is the life before they died, and the life afterwards. 

The past is in the past but honestly, it does affect the present and the future. Take your time and only do what you can. Others are not trying to function with a broken heart.

I know we will learn to live this new life. I know we can do it. However, the emotional cost is massive and far-reaching.

Never feel like a failure when it comes to grief.

Navigating through the weeks and months is difficult and tiring. I was totally devastated and lost. Getting my bearings back was a slow and painful journey. Although I kept positive, the underlying emotions were there every day.

I used Emotional Freedom Tapping, release work, meditating, exercise, free writing and talking to friends as ways to let go of the mountain of sadness and disappointment I felt. Maybe you have some ways of your own to release your emotions.

Emotional pain is one of the worse pains because without expressing and releasing the feelings, it consumes us. I continue every day to acknowledge how I feel and let it go. There are layers of it and as I clear one, another surfaces. However, I feel that in the long run I will work my way through the grief and find some peace emotionally.

I send you love and hope you will begin to heal from your loss.

Remember, we only want to lose the emotions, not the memory or love we felt for our loved one.

Love, Wendy x

Surviving Grief Chapter 1 Part 1