Victim and Survivor

There is a victim and survivor response to grief. You may switch from one to the other. However, long-term you choose to become a victim or a survivor.

Survivors continue to deal with past, while living in the present and future. Survivors want to heal, whereas victims want to remain in pain. It is normal to fluctuate in the beginning from victim to survivor. On the grief forums, I noticed that some people stayed in the victim space for decades. They lived in the past and could not be in their present world and be happy.

The person who is left behind always suffers the most emotionally. Although the loved one may have died in pain and fear when you are the surviving partner, the death is a pain that is unbearable. In truth, everyone knows that in a committed relationship one of you is going to pay the price.

How you handle it says a lot about your view of life. Survivors tend to have a fighting spirit and seek solutions. Victims get stuck and find problems to every solution.

Don’t stress about feeling victim like. Loss is a tough road to travel and stumbling into the victim hole is usual. However, staying there is a choice. I allowed myself some pity me time and then got back to working on myself. It was empowering to move from victim to survivor. Of course, I was a bit bruised and battered, but I was not going to let this make me into a victim forever.

Loss teaches you how difficult life can be. However, on a positive note, you become more compassionate towards yourself and others. In retrospect, I marvel at others who have navigated through the years of loss.

No matter how bad the pain, you will survive. After months of grief Ground Hog Day, you want it to disappear. The underlying emotions spoil every day, and it is human to wish the pain to go.

However, grief is ever-present. All the faking and trying to keep positive, mask the true misery. You need to hold on to hope and do whatever makes you happy, but do not think you fail because the feelings remain as raw as before.

Although you can’t have the past back, being stuck in this terrible space takes adjustment. At first, I thought I could pass through the valley of death and feel better. My idea of feeling better meant being happy again. This was not reality. It took time to accept my unhappy space and try to move ahead. Every week seemed like a rerun of the last week. Seemingly good days were when I only cried once and bad days when the crying did not stop for hours.

Lowering expectations helps. Be realistic and ride the storm. Eventually, the pain and misery morph and you get more used to it. Your ability to survive increases and you learn to live with it.

Keep looking to the future. The misery and pain will lessen as you move ahead and accept your new life.

Grief brings many lessons and strengthens us, even when we feel at our weakest.