Your Wants and Needs

Wanting means you wish or desire something. The experience of loss creates a lot of wants. You want the pain to end. You want the tears to end. You want your loved one back. You want the life from before. However, none of these wishes can be fulfilled during the grief process. The time passes and nothing much alters in your reality.

Wants often involve others. You want other to understand what is happening to you. In truth, unless they have experienced a similar loss, they cannot truly understand. Stop wanting this level of understanding from others because it is unrealistic.

I found that wanting was a useless practice. It was better to meet my own wants. There was no point being disappointed by my idealistic expectations. It simply added to my sense of unhappiness.

Recognizing what you want and how to get it is part of your healing. By meeting your wants, you are strengthened and receiving help keeps you open. Another widow or widower completely understands your plight. Therefore, joining a grief support group online or one in your vicinity is a wise decision.

In my experience, there were a few wonderful individuals who instinctively read my unspoken wants and were willing and happy to help in any way. They supported me along the lonely path and were never far away. However, during my bereavement I knew I had to step up and become more self-reliant.

During loss, you have certain needs. Needs are essential or important and differ from wants. Some needs others can help us fill, however there are needs others cannot fill. There is much happening emotionally and trying to meet your own needs first is a good decision. The truth is that although you wish for help, it is often not forthcoming. Learning to be self-reliant is a better decision.

At first, I believed everyone when they offered assistance. However, the reality was disappointing. Words are easy to utter. Turning up and being there is another situation. When family lets you down, the impact is greater. Normally, each family member has their own way of grieving and avoidance and denial are common. Sadly, you may be part of their avoidance.

After a few letdowns, I decided to meet my own needs. It was a personal growth lesson. I made a list on my needs and tried to give them to myself.

Emotional support is a massive need. The need for love and connection are a strong after loss. Your loved one gave it to you and now your world is empty. Connect often with open and loving souls. Invest less in ones who leave you alone. No good knocking on a door that does not open. Meeting this need can be done. Fill yourself with love, courage and strength. Seek comfort from kind family and friends. A friendly phone call or well-timed text helps. On bad days, soothe yourself.

Physical needs are not as easy to fix. You can do the chores alone or enlist others. By doing it yourself you increase your skills set. However, there is always someone you can ask or pay to mend or move things.

As humans we all crave touch. The physical needs like hugs, kisses, touch, and sex are harder to fill. The first few are doable, while the sexual area may remain a void. Getting a massage or doing a self-massage gives you touch and that is good.

Human needs are varied. However, through the grief process love and connection, emotional support, and physical help are our main needs. Many of them I filled by myself. However, whenever support was offered, I accepted it.