Abandonment, Rejection, Neglect and Wallowing

Although you know the lost loved one has not abandoned you, it feels like they have. It is totally irrational response and yet you feel it. They are gone and you are left alone and bereft. There is sadness, loss, and anger.

Being abandoned taps into our little child. The fear and anxiety rise up and you are like a small, frightened child. When my husband died, I was devastated and lost. I felt alone and left behind.

On many levels, you are left here to fend for yourself and deal with the collateral damage. Uncertainty about your future and the feeling of devastation add to the stress. The truth is that the one left behind suffers in unimaginable ways. It is an hourly battle, especially at the beginning.

No matter how much time you have to get prepared when the person dies you discover how totally unprepared you are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Nothing prepares you for loss of this magnitude.

We may have yelled and screamed at the one who has gone and begged them to come back. It is a desperate time. However, the wailing and crying never brings them back to us. Loss is heartbreaking and seems never-ending.

However, as you grow and begin to cope with being alone the abandonment feeling diminishes.

Unless you go through the loss of a partner, you can’t understand how it really feels. Forgive people for seeming to reject you. It is not rejection but their inability to know how to handle the situation.

Sometimes they step back when you need them to step forward. This reaction is normal. Do not read anything sinister into it. You are wearing a wobbly antenna now and your judgement may be impaired. Accept the love and help from those kind souls who are there for you. Accept the behaviour of those souls who can’t or don’t know how to be there.

Although it feels like rejection keep in mind that you are emotionally very sensitive.

As a single person you are different. Without your partner the whole relationship with others changes. Some of us to adapt quickly and the transition is easy, while others take time to get used to it. The feeling of being rejected has more to do with their response to the grief than of you.

Embrace the nurturing ones and try not to focus on the others. Not everyone in your group of family and friends can be there. Although you are overwhelmed and need them, they are struggling too with the death.

I had a lightbulb moment with people. I began to see them as they truly were. I realized that narcissistic and selfish individuals did not care about how I felt. It was not personal. They never care about anyone except themselves. You are not alone with these individuals because everyone is treated in the same unloving manner.

During loss it is a hard reality to face. It might be the first time in your relationship with them that you were the one in need. When the light bulb came on it was disappointing. However, unconditional love teaches us to accept others and their flaws. Let them go and live their lives and remember not to depend on them. Their words are merely words. Ask someone who is unselfish and shows love and support through actions. Selfish individuals are not bad people. However, they do hurt others due to their self-absorption and lack of empathy.

The grief process highlights many parts of your life and the light shines on areas you may not have seen before.

The one common issue you may suffer is emotional neglect, perceived or real. Grief creates a chasm emotionally and locks you into a prison of sadness. In these situations, you may feel emotionally neglected by others. It is obvious to you that Christmas, birthdays, New Year, and anniversaries are a nightmare emotionally. However, unless you are fortunate and have a few good people around, you can be neglected during these pivotal times.

Try not take it personally. Empaths or widows and widowers are aware, while self-absorbed people cannot see past their own needs and wants.

On the days you felt neglected nurture yourself and ring a supportive friend. Instead of focusing on the empty hole left by neglect, fill it with self-soothing activities.

During the loss, many family members are unable to process their own emotions, let alone support another. It is natural to lean towards family, however asking someone who is drowning to give help may be fruitless. In addition, denial is a strong component with people who are emotionally neglectful. Everyone works through loss in their way and time. It is not unusual for others to shelve the whole situation and face it years later. It seems that the further out from the loss, the easier it becomes to avoid.

The widow or widower is living the reality every hour whether they want to or not. There is nowhere to hide. However, sons and daughters are often removed from the family home and have already left the nest. Disconnection makes avoidance more likely.

Although you feel emotionally neglected, try not to take it personally. Being angry when you are neglected is normal. Still, try to see the bigger picture and not punish them. Forgive them and move on. I decided to detach from those who were neglectful. I sent them love and let go of my expectations.

Wallowing is allowing expression of your deepest and darkest emotions. Wallowing is not always avoidable. Trying to keep positive is admirable, but grief consumes everything. Although wallowing has negative connotations, it is a natural outcome. Allowing your emotions to be felt and expressed is healthy.

Loss is a particularly deep and life-changing event. The losses are not only the obvious ones. You lose a life shared together. Your entire world is different. The past is lost, but so is your future as you saw it. The person you wanted to be with today and tomorrow is not there. The loneliness is heartbreaking.

There is some research which indicates wallowing gives us time out from having to cope. By crying and having a prolonged meltdown, you let go of the stress created by the grief situation. I wallowed for hours and sometimes, for days. The heavy sadness weighed me down and took time to release. Of course, I tried to let my feelings go, but the painful emotions were undeniably powerful. Emotions spill out and run into every part of your soul. You hurt everywhere and it is dreadful. The terrible pain comes up into your throat and pours out. Try to see wallowing as a vehicle in which everything pours out.

Wallowing is honestly how you feel. Never judge or blame yourself for wallowing. The only way through grief is feeling it as it comes to the fore. I wallowed and let it all come out. Resist the temptation to shut down the experience because it is a powerful way to release your deepest emotions. Wallowing may be done around others, however mostly it is done in private.