Monday, 9 September 2024
Baby steps
After the passing, begin slowly and don’t make unrealistic
expectations. Not only are you moving on, you are healing as well. Healing
works in bursts and therefore, you may feel at times at a loss. Be patient as
this will pass.
Most of us want to head out of the painful places quickly.
However, the pain and hurt need to be dealt with and felt. You will hit troughs
along the way. Often, you think it is over only to find another massive section
surfacing. Keep calm and remember, baby steps.
It is wiser to nurture yourself and take as long as you
need. Otherwise in your rush to have it over and done with, you may be forced
to backtrack.
We may have family and friends who are aware of our
fragility but not everyone will be. Take the time you need and stop trying to
be what others want you to be. In a sense, you are emotionally crippled and not
able to be as you were.
Mostly, we come through these awful situations stronger and
wiser but not when we overstep our threshold. I was a mess. I cried a million
tears and was never sure when the tears were about to flood. While I was coping
with my mixed emotions, I found that trying to be normal added another level of
difficulty. I worked out that staying home and doing my own thing was easier.
People normally want what is best for others, but we usually
advise through our own filters. What is healing for one is not healing for
another. My time alone was lonely and sad. However, it let me move through my emotions
and experience the wide range of feelings that grief brings up. Being by myself
let me be with my emotions with no outside pressure. When I needed help, I
asked. My friends sent me encouraging, loving messages. Others came to my house
and gave me company. Some sent flowers and small treats.
I choose to limit my work load and used the days to work on getting
better.
After the death, you will be devastated. It may be the worst
time in your adult life. It is like being knocked over and your head is
spinning. Step ahead slowly and stop when you have to.
Some days even everyday tasks are hard and you have to push
yourself to complete them. While keeping in structure and regaining our old
life brings stability, take it slowly.
Remember, baby steps.
Sunday, 8 September 2024
The funeral and the death anniversaries
Families decide what kind of funeral will happen. Perhaps,
the person who has died had input as well. After the passing, the funeral is
the next major event. Do what you and your family want. Everyone comes from
different backgrounds and family setups. It is your decision as a family, no
one else’s.
My husband wanted a private family funeral with little fuss.
I followed his wishes and received a lot of flak. It helped me see that
funerals are not only for the one who passed. Some individuals could not cope
with our family’s funeral. However, stick to your guns. This is totally your
decision and your partner’s. I was made to feel uncomfortable and strange
because of his request. It stunned our family.
During these occasions having no funeral or doing it
differently may not be well-received, but stand your ground. What society
dictates is not always right for everyone. In my case, I felt that these
complaining individuals were being selfish and not actually respecting my
husband’s wishes. They simply wanted to look good by turning up. I am happy my
family and I were strong enough to do what he asked.
Sometimes, the funeral arrangements for many families are
not easy. There may be fights and hidden agendas, so be careful. Try to find a
good outcome amidst the heightened emotions. Being flexible during this
difficult time is important. Normally, you only have one funeral and getting
everyone’s wishes granted may be tricky.
In the end, the funeral supports those left behind more than
the deceased. It honors their life, but everyone there is living and going
through their own emotions of the day.
Be brave and have the funeral your family wishes and forget
about pleasing anyone else. The passing of the person is felt the most by the
family and close friends. Remember that all the acquaintances who come to the
funeral are on the periphery of your life. In many cases, it may be the first
and last time you see them.
The anniversary of their death is very hard to bear. The
weeks leading up to their passing can be nerve-wracking and the actual day
filled with tears.
Do whatever you want on the anniversary, especially the
first one. There is no right or wrong. We are all different and our
relationship with our partners was unique. Therefore, we will choose many ways
to remember them on these anniversaries.
The first one is the very painful as it is still so close to
the passing. I was a total mess and stayed home all day. For me, that was the
best option. Others have gatherings and visit the grave. It is up to you what
you do. There are no rules around the anniversary.
The following anniversaries are challenging, but year after
year they morph into different types of days. Over time, most people forget the
anniversary day and you may be left alone. Do whatever makes it less arduous and
take good care of yourself.
Time warp
Loss has a strange effect on time. Some hours seem like
days. Some weeks are everlasting. Your concept of time is altered. There are
times when you think the day will never end. It seems to be frozen and every
time you checked the clock, it has hardly moved. The time warp is inconsistent
and unpredictable. You awake at ten in the morning and think that the rest of
the day is shortened, only to be faced with the never-ending afternoon and
night. On the bad days, it is awful.
Some events and special days like their birthday or an
anniversary take ages to arrive. The weeks before seem prolonged and arduous.
Everything is in slow motion.
Then you skip through a couple of days and think how fast
they went. Gradually, time sorts itself out, but in the beginning, it is
unpredictable. Eventually, I settled with this time discrepancy and succumbed
to it. Bingeing on serials or doing some mindless chores filled in the hours.
Ringing a friend or reading made the process easier. As a last resort, going to
bed early shortened the day and the pain.
At the start, the weeks seemed like months and while the
world quickens, yours slows considerably. Perhaps being in constant emotional
pain and turmoil adds to the time warp. It’s like wanting to be out of this
terrible time and not being able to do anything to stop it.
The disconnection you feel adds to the time warp. Part of
you is back there trying to process the loss, while the other part is grappling
with the now. Not feeling present is normal.
Another strange aspect of time confusion is the sameness of
each day. You awake to face the same emotional void. The person is gone and you
are left alone. The repetitive Groundhog Day is like doing time. Instead of
movement, you are stuck in the same emotions, day after day. Of course, you
know it is one day later or one month on, but it seems like the same situation
physically, emotionally, and mentally.
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