Your Virtual World and Grief Forums

Nowadays we have the mobile phone, texting, messaging, and Skype/Facetime and these devices have helped us to connect instantly.

After your partner dies, you will feel very lonely because the daily connection with your loved one is gone. Instead of constant companionship, you may sit alone morning, afternoon, and evening. Sometimes, the entire night you are awake.

Having people to communicate with makes a huge difference to our emotional health and recovery. Try to speak, text, or Skype/Facetime with someone every day. A well-timed phone call may be the difference between falling into the void and making it through the day.

I made an effort to connect with two to three people on most days. I reached out and sent a text, called them, or emailed a short note. These practices kept me from feeling totally alone. The sadness was still inside of me, but this simple action made every day feel better. I was honest and said I was okay. I did not use the word good or fine because that was untrue. During the time we connected I did not worry about how messy I was. It is best to honest. No one expects you to be on top of it all. However, remember to show genuine interest in their world too. Grief is consuming and remind yourself to show interest in their life as well.

By making connections, your world feels full of family, friends, and love. Often you can be lucky and others make extra connections via phone, text, and messages. These communications help to keep you from feeling so alone. When the message or call comes through you feel instantly loved and appreciated. I know of one loving person who sent a kiss via text every day to her widowed friend. Another called to ask about a recipe, even though she was really calling to reach out. These acts of love give us the strength to make it through.

Make an effort to remain in the real world by using everything at your disposal to be close with those who you love. When it is their time of difficulty, you can repay them.

Without my family and friends, I would not have recovered as quickly and been able to smile as soon as I did. Their loving presence made all the difference, especially on the days I was drowning.

No one can save you, but they can hold you up until you become stronger.

There are countless hours to fill once your live-in partner dies. You go from being in a couple to being completely single. The hours you spent together cannot be shared with your family or friends. The early mornings and evenings till dawn are peak times.

Investing in a virtual life pays dividends. With the net people and sites are available twenty-four hours a day. These connections fill those empty hours. Use forums, messaging, and chat rooms. Build up a new set of people.

Often, we are awake during the night and a little chat soothes the soul. The grief forums are wonderful and any interest you have can be explored.

Using YouTube gives instant connection with people, while we increase our knowledge or enjoy music. Having someone to talk online is like having a real conversation. Another human voice comforts and makes us feel less alone.

The nights are lonely and the void is looking right at you. Having a few family members and friends to ring at night helps enormously. I had several people I could ring and it saved many a bad evening.

Work out who is there for you. Then do your calls at night. Somehow the day is easier to fill, whereas night-time is harder. Try to spread your calls out through the week and on less busy times. I often tried to talk to a few people every week. I also texted during the evening. A well-timed text reply makes the void less daunting.

Some people are happy to chat because they are also alone or single. They are the perfect night call friends. Other people love to talk and are in relationships in which phone calls at night are not a problem.

Family members and our adult sons and daughters are usually more available at night. Save your calls with them during these times.

The nights can seem long and confronting. A loving phone call brings light and love into a sad space. Sharing your day and having a few laughs lightens your grief. After these calls, the night seems shorter and better.

We all need love and connection, especially during the tough times. With loss, you miss the strong connection you had with your loved one. These night connections help.

By joining a grief forum, you belong to a special section of the community. Death of a loved one becomes your connection point. Grief forums allow you to write anonymously and in time, meet people who may become friends. These forums allow open dialogue about the deluge. Simply venting or asking for advice gives special support, especially by talking to others going through the same trials and tribulations. Healing others heals us and by offering love and support back you find a new meaning in your world. Surviving loss takes time and the help along the way moves us through in a place of love and understanding.

Generally, at first you are victim to your circumstance. After the death you are faced with a myriad of issues on a personal and home front. It is overwhelming. You may feel powerless to your changed environment. Although family and friends are doing their best, they do not know how it feels. You may be lucky and know a few people who have gone through a similar process, but you can’t rely on them too much.

In addition, being able to connect twenty-four hours a day allows us freedom to talk and get support. Our family and friends tell us to ring any time. However, most of us would not wake them up at four in the morning because we are upset. This is when an online forum is great. Simply writing on the page lets us express ourselves and connect with another group of people who are awake.

The forum is there for as long as needed. You may stay a relatively short time because life takes on another direction. However, you may be there for years.

Grief it is a lonely path to walk. Therefore, joining a support group is a wonderful idea. At last, we have support and help from people just like us. We connect with others who truly understand how we are feeling and know personally how to respond. It is great to find an avenue of expression because everyone is going down a similar road. No emotions are censored and encouragement and wisdom are given.

I joined several groups for my own healing and to hear issues that arose for others. It was cathartic to read my counterparts experiencing problems that I was encountering. During my time, I met some interesting people and found a new friend. There are lots of people on the net and the reach is large and wide. With all their stories there is always someone in a similar place to you.

I met a great guy in America who had recently lost his wife after four decades of marriage. We clicked immediately and understood each other although being complete strangers. We remain the best of friends years after. It was true blessing for me.

There are many sites and some offer special support chat rooms, especially for Christmas Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. when it more challenging.

Check out the grief forums online and get the extra help you need.

 Sharing 

Feel free to share your stories on this blog. Sometimes, it is easier to to talk to others who are walking the same path of loss. 
We can support each other in this way. 
Love, Wendy x

 

Family and Friends

No one can walk through the grief for you, but they can walk by your side. Hopefully, your family and friends are along the journey with you. The time of loss is significant so take the support that is offered. Some members come in close, while others stand back. Be aware and accept this truth. Not everyone is able to deal with grief on any level. Sometimes, their lives are busy and they are on their own version of overwhelm

In addition, we all offer differing forms of help. Some family members wish to talk it through, while others want to avoid the obvious. At the beginning, there may be lots of support, but as the months pass, it lessens. There are few who walk the entire path of grief with us. Be grateful for these loving souls.

Loss is a personal journey, but you do not have to do it alone. Others offer new insights and bring to your attention different strategies of coping and give you hope. Some help is emotional support and other versions manifest as assistance with practical aspects. All are valid measures of love and support. Perhaps your brother never mentions the your grief but fixes your lawnmower. See behind every action.

How much you confide in your families also changes the outcomes. At the start, you have to come to terms with the terrible loss. Often, when they were ill for a while you know that they are going to die. However, if the loss comes suddenly, you may be numb or in denial.

Always remember you are the one who is feeling their passing the most, not others. You are the most heartbroken one. Unless you have lost a partner, you can never truly understand the magnitude of grief felt as a widow or widower.

People come from their own perceptions and have a certain view because of where they are standing. Be aware that the advice or comments others make may be mind focussed, not coming from the heart.

Understand that love manifests in many ways and be grateful for any assistance given.

Friendships are built on love and trust. They are similar relationships to family but without some of the complications. Many times, what you tell your girlfriend is not the same as your mum. There is less screening with close friends and because you are often similar ages or come from similar backgrounds, it is easier to speak openly. With family, we may not speak as honestly because we want to protect them or ourselves.

Friends are good gauges of how well you are coping. They provide a good reflection on how they think you are. Listen and take on board suggestions given. In every bit of advice, there is some truth. Listen and then decide. During this time, your centre is wobbly and it is easy to miss things.

Getting more sleep, eating properly, or going out more are valuable suggestions. However, if you know that emotionally you are unable to socialize it is okay to decline. Your emotions are telling you to be alone and heal. However, on other occasions socializing is a better way to move to the next level.

Grief ebbs and flows. An invitation yesterday seems great until you wake up the next day in a blubbering mess. Some emotions have to ridden alone or in front of mindless television with loads of comfort food. There is a mask people wear socially and on the dark days even that cover is not enough. Our true friends understand that giving you space is the best gift for now.

Also be aware of controlling friends who want to live through your drama. They may attach and want to run your life. This is not friendship; this is power and control. Resist being bullied, even by a seemingly good friend.

Healing is a personal path. Some of us love having many people around to give support, while others prefer more time alone.

Your family and friends are the support vehicles during a torrid time. Embrace their presence.

Year 2 - Losing a Loved One

 

Apathy and Fatigue

Loss may affect your drive. Apathy sneaks in and you can’t be bothered doing anything or seeing any one. You are indifferent and have no interest in anything.

For a time, this is normal and understandable. However, apathy may linger and then it is not a healthy choice. Apathy is a sign of no movement. For short periods of the day, it is fine, but weeks on end make you sink lower.

During an apathetic phase, I did not care less. It included completing tasks, tidying the house, and showing motivation for anything. This condition was completely alien to me. Upon reflection, I felt with so much emotional turmoil that it was a place to recoup. The nothingness was like time-out from my crazy world.

Apathy is like depression.

Although apathy maybe a sign of depression, it is also a state of the heart and mind. When I could not care less there was less pressure. My “who cares” response was authentic. With my life in turmoil, apathy was a refuge. While others have their ideas on what you should do and where you should go, I did not care less.

Apathy gives respite from everything that is wrong with your life. It does not solve anything and eventually, you move out of it. Later on, your drive and passion return and the days of apathy lessen.

Be patient with this reaction and wait until it goes. Apathy is not dissimilar to the numbness you may have experienced.

Soon after they die, you may be incredibly tired and it may last for weeks. To fortify yourself stay in bed longer, eat well, and do nothing that adds stress to your day. On the bad days, stay home and do whatever gives you comfort.

There is definite a feeling of fatigue with loss. Dealing with the grief and other emotions is stressful. Sleep and eating are affected and you are walking in a fog. Some of the fatigue is depression and as you heal this improves.

Loss knocks you over energetically. Some days I would lie in bed and look out of the window or watch television like a zombie. Many of you have also gone through torturous weeks or months before the loss, especially from a lengthy illness. Your reserves became low and with the death, it’s a further blow.

The negative emotions connected to loss tire you. Carrying sad feelings leaves little room for joy and positive thoughts. The dark clouds are too encompassing.

Allow the fatigue to be and do whatever helps. Later on, your energy will increase, but while you are weakened be careful. Make breakable appointments with friends and keep away from shopping centres and any large gatherings.

Fatigue is a real outcome from loss and needs to be addressed. I felt like a shell of myself and was so tired. It was a deep tiredness and even sleep did not make it go away, particularly in the first weeks alone. I limited my activities and tried to rest as much as possible until it lessened.

Holding on strong through the months or years before they die is exhausting. Once it is over it as if the fatigue can be felt and we can get the rest.

 

Trauma, PTSD and Suicide

Grief is obsessive by nature. Your emotional compass is unbalanced and it causes dysfunction in your thought processes. It takes no time at all to be caught in a loop which runs over and over.

Your internal emotional, mental, and psychological machine is playing constantly during the grief process. After my husband died, I had flashbacks from the last few weeks and months. Whenever I was not concentrating, in they came. I felt swamped by the past. I can’t remember how many times that last day and his actual death jumped into my thoughts. There were the memories and the painful emotions.

When the death or time of loss is traumatic, the imprint is stronger and harder to avoid.

Every time I was reliving it, I tried to let it go. This changed my focus and enabled me to move on. In releasing it, there was acknowledgment and over time, the time between the flashbacks lengthened.

Gradually, by replacing these negative memories your brain is rewired into a positive space. Good and healthy internal thoughts feed you, while distressing or highly emotional ones drain you.

Loss is painful and hard, but you do not have to continue to relive it and experience negative and sad thoughts forever.

Your internal world underpins your outer life and it is good to build a happy platform upon which to live.

Grief creates trauma. The shock of the death leaves emotional, psychological, and mental damage. The memories and flashbacks remain long after the passing. You may be moving well through the process only to be triggered and then the trauma comes to the fore.

The death of my husband was particularly traumatic, especially for my middle son and me. Sadly, he passed away painfully. My others sons and their family missed seeing him before he died and arrived later at the hospital. After months of illness, it was a horrible end. After his passing, my son and I struggled with the flashbacks and emotions connected with the last weeks.

Trauma takes time to resolve. In the beginning, the flashbacks were vivid and unrelenting. After a while they submerged somewhat. However, any small reminder had them rushing to the surface again. I used Emotional Freedom Tapping and release meditation to clear the initial emotional and mental trauma. In addition, every time it began to surface, I replaced it with another thought or memory.

You might carry similar trauma. Being aware of the existence of trauma allows you to face it and then work at diminishing it. Use everything at your disposal to let the trauma go.

Traumatic deaths are especially difficult. Having been with others who died in my presence I was used to the death experience. However, when you are involved with a particularly distressing passing the outcome is completely different. The other people were sedated and simply lay there quietly and slipped away. However, if you endured a painful and fitful passing, it is agonizing. When he eventually passed, it seemed like a relief and the suffering for him was over. Afterwards, my son and I sat there in the hospital room with his dead body for three hours waiting for the rest of the family to arrive from interstate.

Trauma is a usual outcome but very rarely discussed. After some work, my trauma lessened and became more manageable. Whenever I felt it rising, I quickly removed myself from the trigger. There may be layers of trauma buried in your body. Do not beat yourself up when it presents itself unexpectedly. Simply clear it and move on.

There will always be a little shadow of trauma in your soul reminding you of that time. It cannot be fully eased. However, your powerful responses may be alleviated.

Remember that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may become a reality for you after someone dies. I did not realize that I had it until after the first year. Check out the symptoms online and seek help if you think you are experiencing it. It is an undiagnosed outcome for many widowed people.

Suicide is a real issue after loss. There seems to be little point going on without them and in a way, a part of us has died too. However, be very careful if you begin to have suicidal thoughts and try to get help.

Grief changes over time and you will learn to live with it and heal. It is normal to have dark times when the demons come, but understand that it will pass.

My widowed friend often told me he has lost hope and wanted to fall off the perch as he said. However, he came to terms with his loss and lived nearly a decade after his wife passed.

Spiralling down is dangerous, especially if you are alone so ring for help. And our loved ones don’t want us to die. If anything, they want us to live our life out and find some happiness.

Being the one left behind is harder in some ways than being the one who dies. We are left with the grief and emptiness. Be kind to yourself and know that it is a hard road and there will be difficult days, but eventually it becomes easier.

I encourage you to take any suicidal thoughts seriously and reach out to family, friends and professionals to help you navigate your way through. You don’t have to do it alone.

 

 Fear, Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Grief may manifest as fear. It is a scary path to tread alone. I was scared of everything, especially in the beginning. The fear was strong and unrelenting. All of a sudden, I was alone and responsible for everything, as well as the way I was feeling. Fear like this is crippling.

Once you realize that the emotion you are experiencing is fear, then going through is easier. Grief stresses the body and mind and makes you scared. Most fear comes from the daily grind of moving through loss. There is fear attached to being single and not having your rock with you. Fear of being solely responsible for the decisions and the money concerns weighs heavily. Instead of having another close person, you are alone. When you have been in a close shared partnership the fear of being alone is palpable. The longer you have lived as a couple, the more entrenched are the dependency behaviours.

Take a breath and progress slowly. There is always help on hand and you are never truly going solo.

Often the death is a terrifying ordeal and leaves you reeling. Unlike the gentle and orchestrated passing showed on television, some last memories are disturbing. Fear manifests from these traumatic situations.

Be gentle with yourself because although no one talks about the fear, it is definitely a massive obstacle during the first few weeks and months. Initially, I did not understand that I was experiencing it. Grief has many emotions and I had not fully realized that my general uneasiness was simply fear.

You may have fear of living alone, being able to cope, losing your mind, and being able to figure out the chores surrounding the death. In the small hours, you may wake up scared and sick to the stomach. The fear is from the grief. However, once you accept your fears, you can put them to rest.

When I had a fearful time, I went back into survival mode. In the next few hours or days, I utilized my calming down techniques. As time passed the fear lessened, but when I was triggered, it came back in full force. Calming herbs, medication, deep breathing, and release work help. On the bad days, don’t attempt anything. Rest and do nurturing activities. Once the fear abates you can catch up with what needs to be done.

Never underestimate the effects of fear. It is crippling. However, know that you are capable of moving past it and coming into a calmer place.

Loss is a fearful and unknown territory and challenges your existence. Waking up with anxiety and nausea it usual. The feeling is horrible and may last for days. The anxiety and nausea may begin during the dying process and continue after the death. When you have these emotions, they usually connect into a worrying part of the death process. You know that you are being foolish and overreacting. However, these emotions are difficult to harness.

The worse times are when you are alone, pm and am. The lack of distraction and other people promote anxious thoughts and sickening feelings.

Grief is like being on a terrifying wave never knowing when or if you are going to crash. It rocks your soul to the core.

There are helpful drugs to alleviate these emotions and you can use them when it seems appropriate. Herbs, meditation, and Emotional Freedom Tapping may also lessen it. By managing these seemingly irrational emotions, you may feel calmer. Use what works for you.

You may experience your first panic attack while you are going through the grief journey. The feelings of loss make you fearful and anxious. Your entire world is crumbling before your eyes and everything is making you nervous.

Panic attacks start quickly and the trembling, sweating, nausea, pounding heart, feeling detached, shortness of breath, tingling sensations and dizziness are a few of the symptoms. They may last for a few seconds or hours. It is a surreal and scary experience.

When we are threatened, the body goes into fight or flight. These sensations are not under our control. However, once we understand what is happening, then we can find ways to cope.

Previously, I was unaware that loss triggers panic attacks. Although I knew about them and had dealt with them in my past, I was unprepared for them now. However, once I recognized how I was responding I could relate it to the grief. The smallest problem could set me off and some days it took ages to settle down. The higher my level of loss that day, the more vulnerable I became. Lack of sleep and constant worry and anxiety precipitated many attacks.

Breathing and slowing down helps. Taking time out from the trigger gives you time to rest and regroup. When I thought something might begin an attack, I walked away or refused to do the task. One of my sons asked me to collect a doctor’s letter concerning my husband’s death. While I was on the phone, without warning the nausea rose in my stomach and I felt physically sick. I said I would collect the letter and finished the phone call. Immediately afterwards, I realized that I was heading towards a panic attack. Straightaway, I rang back and told him I could not do it. Afterwards, I began to calm down. All the flashbacks of the passing continued for the next day, but by stopping myself from going back to the doctor’s rooms it stopped another panic attack.

It is not a sign of weakness to have panic attacks. Loss is the hardest and most gruelling life journey you can have. Take care of yourself and as soon as you see the signs step back and regroup. The world will cope without you and it is a self-nurturing action. Unless you have walked this sad and shaky path you cannot comprehend the way it changes the foundation of your life.