Missing You

 

 

Lonely and Missing You

I missed my husband dreadfully. It was like a deep ache in my body and soul. Nothing I did took it away and I came to accept that it was part of the grief I was feeling.

I missed him morning, noon and night. Some days were terrible as I sunk down with the realization that he was gone. You know what I mean. My head knew he had died, but my heart could not process it. The feeling in my heart was painful and heavy.

I was lonely for him and our life together as a couple. The loneliness is the greatest hurdle after loss. There is the loneliness when you are alone and another loneliness when you are pining. After loss, pining is a good description for how you feel. You want your loved one and your life back. Even though they have left, the love you feel has not gone. You look out at your new life and there are empty spaces everywhere. It is depressing and life feels foreign.

Over the months, I became more used to the hours alone. Instead of being with another person every day, my world became more of an inner world. The early morning and nights were the worse. During these times, I planned activities and rang friends. I was grateful for those who rang or made time to meet me. Although they were not my partner, it was good to see others. In the process, I learned how to arrive alone and leave alone to various places and events. I often cried on the way there and on the way home. I had been in a marriage where we had spent lots of time together and the change in my lifestyle took some adjusting.

When you feel lonely try to connect to others. Leave the house and visit family and friends. On the empty days, go shopping and speak to others you meet or who serve you. Being single takes practice and your first attempts at sitting alone in coffee shops or the movies are challenging and weird. However, the more you do, the easier it becomes. I had several times on outings when my tears welled up and I found the loneliness excruciating. As time passed, I became better as I put on a smile and tried to make the most of it.

Accepting it helps. Acknowledge you are alone and lonely. Become your best friend and sometimes, only friend. This shift of consciousness is slow and painful. Some days you will do well and then struggle on other days.

It feels less lonely being occupied. I wrote a list of activities to do that I used to enjoy. I made a list of chores and households jobs needing completion. On the lost days, I checked the list and mechanically did some of the activities. The time passed more quickly and at least, I achieved something. Although some jobs are mindless, they helped me move ahead. By shifting everything physically, we also make an energetic shift.

Trouble Coping

 

Soon after they pass is not a good time to make any major decisions. Emotions are raw and you are not yourself. The grief propels you into unknown territory. Try to do what has to be done and leave challenging issues for later. Your family and friends see your wobbly antennae, even when you think you are fine. So, listen to those who love you and have your best interests at heart. There were weeks when I thought I was doing well, only to have my sons say otherwise. Consequently, I took notice of their counsel.

Many people give advice, but beware of blindly listening and acting upon it. Sometimes, others have their own agenda or voice opinions through their own filter. Those who use travel or a big night of bingeing to comfort themselves may offer these as solutions. What is a solution for one person is a terrible idea for someone else.

Your moods may go up and down, and when you lack sleep, everything is worse. On those days, lessen your stress by checking out of daily commitments. Retreating allows you to rebalance. On the continuous crying days, do not venture out to the shops, ignore the mobile and do not answer the door.

At the beginning, I wobbled around unexpectedly and felt embarrassed in public places. Eventually, I stabilized, but it seemed to be hit and miss. Read the signs and ask a close family member or friend when another opinion is needed.

Wanting to be fine is not the same as being fine.

You may also be trying to use damage control to get you through the process. Damage control is trying to make the best of a bad situation. It manifests when we distract ourselves, ring a friend, go to bed early, or bury ourselves in a book. In these situations, mitigating the damage helps to work through the pain. It is like time-out from your world and provides a little relief. The same emotions are running underneath, but you go into another world for a while. Temporarily, I found it is a useful strategy. Loss creates massive emotional damage and damage control becomes a form of mindfulness.

Everyone going through grief endeavors to minimize the pain. When you are about to cry on the bus, you try to focus on another less sad thought. You minimize telling your family how terrible your week was, or put on a brave face during a social outing. Sometimes, you manage to soldier through and lessen the tears, but not always. Damage control may work brilliantly, and then fail dismally.

Like me, you may find that happy events trigger you more. Family events bring to the fore the fact that your partner is not there to share this moment with all of you. The empty chair is hard to bear. It is a silent, deep sadness inside of your heart. On happy occasions, you do not want to be the wet blanket sobbing in the corner. In situations when I was beginning to meltdown, I simply excused myself and had a big cry out of sight.

Often, people will use [WE1] distraction to stem your tide of grief because they don’t or can’t deal with it. They change the subject, make jokes, and steer away from the obvious. I was usually aware of this tactic and tried to hold back my feelings. But emotions have a habit of spilling out, regardless.

During my grieving time, I tried to shut down my emotions to make it easier for others. However, it was stressful being in such social situations. I never knew when the tears would well up and take over. Once I began to cry, it was hard to stop it. Staying home on the vulnerable days and not being with the shutdown people was simpler than going and trying to hold back the tide.

With more compassionate and kind people, I felt like I could be myself and these connections were more freeing and safe. When my tears came out, it became a natural part of the visit, and I felt less stressed.

Don’t be surprised when you experience forgetfulness. After loss, you may lose the ability to remember people’s names, use the wrong words, can’t remember the word and generally, sound like an idiot. It happens to nearly all of us. It is as if a part of your mind is lost and cannot find itself again. I called people the wrong names, got lost mid-sentence, and forgot what I was talking about. I had trouble remembering times, and doing what I was supposed to.

The stress of grief confounds your brain. There is a sense of being disconnected to situations and people. The emotional strain overtakes reason. The shock of the death and the tumultuous change in your life, plus the added fatigue and mixed emotions, make it worse.

Others noticed my disconnection and warned me to take care. I was discouraged from driving the car on my bad days and from making any big decisions. Listen when your family and friends bring your behaviour into question. To them, you may look somewhat startled and wired. My sons alerted me during the times I was like this and guided me through when it happened.

Basically, you are not yourself and do not appear present. Listen to others and do not let stubbornness and pride override the situation. The shock of loss manifests in many strange ways and this one is important because you are not functioning in the normal range. Slow down when it happens and recalculate as your GPS says. Although I felt frustrated, not everyone noticed my mistakes. I simply renamed the person, began the sentence again, and asked for the question to be repeated.

Being on overdrive after the death causes this temporary, yet annoying state. The mind is processing so much it is like you cannot focus as before. Do not think it is dementia or that you are losing your mind. It is simply a result of the pressure being placed on you.

When we are going through a difficult period, our body talks. Some mornings we may wake up feeling sick. It is not usual illness like a cold or virus, just feeling unwell. This sensation is strong and may last for days. It is usual to get ill especially in the first eighteen months after we lose our partner.

Loss rattles us to the core and it is not surprising becoming sick happens during the process. Many people catch the flu, have more infections and generally suffer more health problems. The body is stressed during the grief process and we are more vulnerable.

Visit the doctor if you need to and use medicine or herbs to get well. Stress does strange things to the body and mind and losing your loved one is probably one of the biggest stresses that we endure.

Taking a good vitamin pill, eating well and getting lots of sleep are wise choices. Grief is a complex experience and all you can do is to soothe and nurture yourself.

As you move through the months, the weird illnesses and maladies lessen and your health improves. Often, I had a feeling that my migraine or upset digestion were rooted in the grief. It is not unusual to have strange stomach pains or skin rashes. A chronic health problem may flare up for a while and then go as we heal.

In general, the way we feel impacts upon our health negatively especially during the first stages of grief. Understand that you are sick from the upheaval in your life emotionally, mentally and psychologically which then manifests as health issues. The sick days lessen as you move through the months.

As you calm down and begin the healing process, it passes and eventually, you have days of clarity and stop calling your son by the dog’s name. Time is all it takes.

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 [WE1]

The Outpouring of Grief

 At the start, it is normal to have constant meltdowns, big and small. The grief spills into everything. I broke down at coffee shops, in banks, and at the slightest provocation. The floodgates opened and the tears flowed unrelentingly.

The greater the loss, the more meltdowns we suffer.

The best outcome is to accept that it is unavoidable and not a sign of weakness. Be kind to yourself. I expected the meltdowns to be easier after a few months, only to find them getting worse. I hoped before I set off for the party or shopping trip those previous hours of tears would “dry” me up. However, it was not something that I relied on.

It is surprising with the amount of heartache around that there are not more people crying in public places. Time is a great healer and although meltdowns are annoying, they are good because they release pent-up emotions. You find in time the episodes lessen in intensity, and there are bigger gaps between them.

The more we loved, the bigger the buckets of tears. You have two buckets. You lose the person and also the relationship. I cried every day for months and months; morning, noon, and night. The tears were never ending. I gave up trying to hold them back and simply cried them out. There were loud, sobbing tears and silent, hot ones. Sometimes, it took a few minutes and other days I cried for hours until my eyes burned and my face puffed up.

There are people who never cry and that is another issue. Not being able to cry brings its own problems. A friend of mine wished she could cry, but no tears came. She felt there was nowhere for her grief to express itself. Later, she suffered from breast cancer and I wonder whether her repressed grief manifested by getting ill.

It is normal to cry in private and then unexpectedly, in public. There is no pattern or warning. Accept the tears will flow and arrive whenever. In the beginning, I was embarrassed crying in public places and when visiting family and friends. I kept apologizing. However, my son explained that no one judged me. If anything, they felt compassion for me and were ready to offer comfort.

The tears are physical manifestations of your love. Over time, the bucket of tears empties somewhat and you cry less.

During the weeks and months, you may encounter what I call the grief abyss. The grief abyss is way past normal daily grief. The abyss seems to release your deepest and most excruciating grief. Falling into the abyss happens without warning. You seem to be doing okay and then bang, it is abyss time. I call it the abyss because the emotions are like nothing I had ever experienced.

When it first happened, I felt terrible. It was a sorrow and depth of despair like a massive, dark pit. Once in the abyss, I felt unable to pull myself out.

It was unlike a meltdown, it felt like a breakdown.

After a couple of abyss experiences, I decided to let it all out and be there until it ended. The pain was unbearable and I cried and sobbed in a way I had never done before. My whole being ached and shook with the grief. Despair and a sense of incredible loneliness swamped me.

You may try to circumvent the abyss, but letting it release is better. Your emotions are genuine and inside of you. They are coming to the surface in an attempt to be processed. Feeling them and allowing yourself to succumb and weather it is better.

Often, the abyss occurs when you are alone at night or early in the morning. Being alone is best. Then you are able to fully express your hurt and misery without being on show.

Letting the emotions emerge and moving through is a painful ordeal. The crying is different. It is as if your soul is crying tears of unimaginable pain. Time is non-existent and you come out of it exhausted and empty. I felt like I was dying emotionally. After a few episodes, I simply sat in the abyss and allowed it happen. The next day I was “hung over” from the whole experience. Instead of trying to be positive or normal, I gave the day to the abyss and mechanically got through it.

More importantly, I managed to be with it and did not try to control it. Surrendering was my best option. Every emotion is valid and obviously, I was feeling what was deep inside of me. On a physical level, I felt like my insides were coming out emotionally.

The abyss is cathartic and healing long term. However, the hours you are in it are excruciating.

The Physical, Emotional, Mental and Soul Loss

 Every day I breathe into the pain of your absence.

The physical loss is the easiest to understand. The person is gone and your environment is changed forever. Your time together is finished. They will never walk in the door again or send you a text. You cannot talk to them or sit and have coffee and cake like before.

The physical loss is massive and unavoidable. It creates a vacuum your life and resounds in the house. Their chair is empty and you no longer hear their voice or laughter. Sometimes, when it was bad, I imagined my husband was lying next to me. It was ridiculous, but for a moment I was pretending he was around. Often, people play the voicemail message on the phone over and over to hear their voice or watch old family videos to have some connection.

In the early morning and at night are usually poignant times. The rush of the day has either not begun or finished, and without distraction their physical loss is more noticeable.

There are constant reminders of them in the form of objects or personal belongings. Your mind sees them sitting in their chair or washing dishes in the kitchen. The house has a hole in it physically.

Many people decide to move house, but it only removes so much. In your mind, you continue to remember the old times.

If you remain in the house the physical reminders are hard to avoid. Sometimes, you may gain comfort by physical mementoes, but on a messy day they may unravel you.

Never dismiss how challenging the physical loss is.

The emotional loss is massive. We have emotional connections to people that we care about. Therefore, the loss of this connection is terrible. The love you shared travelled from your heart to theirs. Now you have no way to channel that love. It may be sent to them spiritually, but it is not the same as being together here on earth.

Giving love was part of the relationship, and it is strange to have no way to express it. No hugs, no kisses, and no words. I recognized that the love I had was there inside my heart. However, although I sent him love, it was not the same. The connection felt like it went one way and I felt alone.

Not being loved affects you as well. After being loved and living in a state of love to be in this barren space is dreadful. You are alone and isolated emotionally. You may give love to everyone else, but there is a gap in your world. Your heart is bursting with all that love with nowhere to go.

When we are in any relationship there is the mental connection. After loss not being able to talk to each other is hard. Before your mental connection as a couple may have been almost telepathic and you both easily picked up on each other.

Usually, the sharing had brought you closer and now the mental loss is huge. Certain relationships have special parts when it comes to the mental part. It may be the interests you shared or similar values. The ability to talk about various aspects of your lives are missing. When you shared your deepest thoughts then the loss is big.

I chatted to my partner and shared many thoughts and worries. Just having another soul to be all of myself was liberating and healing. Once I lost this, my entire world changed. He was not there to ask for an opinion or make a major decision with. Of course, you had other people, but it was not the same.

The loneliness with loss is significant because there is no one to share ourselves with like we did. Even when at times we did not talk, there was mutual understanding and a nurturing connection.

In certain relationships, we may have been soulmates. A soulmate is usually a partner with whom who we feel a strong affinity and who loves and accepts us completely. It is a bond like no other. These relationships can be telepathic as we are so connected. There are shared emotions, values and interests and it sets a firm foundation for us. There seems to be no other person for us than them.

The love shared is deep and lasting, and soulmates usually surmount any problems that threaten the relationship. Losing a soulmate feels irreplaceable, and therefore, the soul loss is massive.

Instead of feeling like it is easy to move forward with another partner, we may feel like we can never find love and the same kind of relationship again.

Having been soulmates makes getting over the loss much harder.

 

The Loss

The tears stream down my face,

Hot and sad,

I sob with the pain

Of losing you.

My love alone in the stillness of loss.

You are all around me

And yet not here.

The love I feels consumes my broken heart.

And yet you are not here.

My mind and soul know you are gone.

Yet you are in my heart,

I sit alone without you

With my tears,

In my broken world.

 

Loss

 

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

After my partner of four decades died unexpectedly, I searched for books etc. to help me navigate through the turmoil that happens before and after they pass.

In the end, I decided to write a book about how I coped and not coped. I wanted to write about how it was for me and probably for many others. Some of the book will resonate with you, some parts may not be part of your experience.

However, it is a trueful account of the many issues that I encountered and how I found ways to make it an easier transition from being a couple to being single.

I hope your journey brings you to a place of acceptance and peace.