Disappointment, Sorrow and Heartache

Disappointment is an unfilled want or need. It’s disappointing to be the one left behind. There is massive heartache and disappointment because your hopes and dreams for the future are irrevocably gone.

I would watch couples my age and older walking together and know that I would never have that experience again with my husband. We did not have twenty more years together. I was disappointed that I lost him so early. Our plans could not be fulfilled and future grandchildren would not know him. There was a loss of family. The dynamics of the family alter dramatically after a death. My children were disappointed for me and themselves. They were also disappointed for their children.

It is disappointing looking ahead and seeing nothing together. The memories are all you have now. Maybe you wish you had travelled more and shared more activities. IN addition, you are disappointed that you are single.

Gradually, you accept your life and become more grateful. You focus on the gifts that precious relationship gave you and the wealth of love you shared.

Disappointment lasts as long as we look back and see what we lost, not what we gained.

Loss creates sorrow and enormous heartache. It is a heartache you are unprepared for and one which lasts for ages. There can be an actual ache and burning sensation around the heart. You feel as if your heart is breaking. The feeling of having a heart attack happens to some and panic attacks occur.

It is not uncommon to exhibit heart problems during or after grief situations. The heart is particularly vulnerable to emotional stress This is the time to take good care of yourself on all levels. Rest and avoiding extra stress on the heart is beneficial. Taking herbal aids and heart minerals like magnesium and coenzyme 10 assist with the physical aspects. Vitamins strengthen you as well.

Energetically, you can place your hands on your heart area and wear rose quartz and tourmaline. Both these crystals protect the heart from more damage. Reiki and massage relax the body which in turn relaxes the heart. Acupuncture is a valuable tool. There are specific acupuncture pressure points which feed into the meridian grid. Check them out on the net. Heart 7 and pericardium 6 are two to begin with. Rescue remedy and homeopathic medicine are excellent. Bach remedies work on the finer vibrational areas of your aura.

Physically, you need to exercise but in a gentle manner. While you are grieving the heart is under attack and too much vigorous exercise places strain on it. Yoga, walking, light jogging, and Qigong are better choices. Try not to exhaust the body with too much cleaning and lifting. Everything in moderation.

Keeping away from draining individuals keeps us in a healthier space. Drainers come in many guises. Check how you feel after time together. When you come away exhausted, you have been drained. After loss, your energy is already depleted and extra depletion brings it down even more. Crowds have the same effect.

Try not to become too tired. Stay later in bed or take an afternoon nap. The body heals when you rest because the energy for moving around is sent to other parts of the body. When you sleep your body repairs itself.

Grief takes its toll and the heart is the hardest hit.

 

Depression and Despair

Depression is a massive outcome with loss. All the issues we face when we are depressed may surface. At first, I did not comprehend how depressed I was. It was only as the weeks passed by that it finally dawned on me.

Depression is a difficult emotion because it permeates your entire life. The fatigue, apathy, sleeping problems, eating, and low mood impact on every moment. However, as you adjust and begin to accept your loss and rebuild your world, the depression lifts.

Although you hanker for how it used to be your life is completely different. In this new place, you are alone and everything is a challenge.

When I realized how depressed I was I began to implement change. To heal myself I used uplifting herbs and ginseng to fortify my body. Tapping helped enormously as did Qigong and exercise. I made sure my diet included fruits and vegetables, as well as a few treats. There is a direct correlation between the brain and the gut. New research is finding that our mood and our digestion are intrinsically linked.

Instead of focussing on doom and gloom, I allowed those thoughts and emotions to come up and then I let them go. We forget how much power our mind has if we let it run unchecked. By rewriting our internal script, we allay the darker aspects from manifesting.

There is a saying that you are as happy or unhappy as you chose to be. Even though it sounds simple and possibly unattainable right now, you do possess the power to steer yourself into a positive space. There is always suffering around. However, the amount of focus you give this suffering is entirely in your control.

Crying and feeling sorry for yourself is a cleansing action, but it is no good getting stuck there. The idea is to feel the emotions, clear them out and move ahead.

Depression involves stagnation, so any movement forward from a physical, emotional, or mental space is beneficial. For some of us there much to move out and it may take longer. However, every release and shift bring us into a happier place.

I tried as much as possible to be positive in my negative space. It felt weird because my inner and outer world were falling apart. Still, enjoying my morning coffee or watching the night skies gave me momentary pleasure and joy.

Keep letting the depression go and be replaced with love, peace, and joy. Your intention to move it makes it shift. You are the master of your life and how you view life is a choice. See this as a life experience, rather than a curse. On the positive side, your compassion for others along a similar journey increases and you recognize your ability to adapt.

We are what we feel and think. By planting happy thoughts and experiencing good emotions, we make less room for depression. Listen to the inner voice and change the dialogue when needed. It takes effort to rewrite our responses, but it is worth doing.

Nothing lasts forever, unless you never let it go.

Despair is the absence of hope. Going through grief makes us feel despair. The countless hours alone, the empty bed, and the missing partner gives little hope. You may feel like it’s all too hard and want to give up. You look ahead and see more lonely days stretching forever.

I felt massive despair during many long days and nights. I despaired I would never be happy again. However, gradually I tried to replace my hopelessness with positive thoughts. He was never coming back and I had to adjust to my new reality.

Some people never recover from loss. They simply resign themselves to their life and suffer in silence.

You are not losing your mind when despair hits. It is a normal reaction to a monumental change. You are tired and sad so wanting to give up is understandable. Reach out during this time and ask for help. Often, we need others to pull us out of the bog. Try to find some happy things to focus on and plan something good.

The death of a partner is nothing like the death of a parent or friend. Your soulmate is gone and you pine.

You will get better and the despair lifts. However, it is an awful feeling to endure.

 

Moving on from people

Going through tough times shows who are really there for you. Often, the realization is disappointing and hurtful. Once you are alone not everyone wants to give true support. Sometimes, old ones fade away and new friends emerge. For you, moving on may mean leaving some people behind. Even in the midst of grief, it is interesting how clear this area becomes.

In the end, it comes down to words and actions. Many people promise at lot, but that is all. Others show in action that they are standing with you through thick and thin.

Not everyone deals well with loss or death. They may be overwhelmed with their own situation and be ill-equipped to deal with any more stress. People who are emotionally stunted and avoiders will want to hide away.

People who show through actions are the best ones to have in your life. They ring and text often. They make time to see you and actually do help you with chores and give advice. Honor these individuals because they help to get you through one of the most difficult journeys you will ever travel. Accept offers of help and make the effort to see them regularly. These amazing souls have been put in your path to give love and support.

Be grateful to those loving souls who give support and let the others do as they wish. On the journey having others close helps enormously. You need help, but it is best to rely on the reliable. While your emotions are messy and you are fragile being let down is going to affect you too much.

I moved on from many who left me alone, regardless of our long history as friends. I knew they only wanted to be with me when I was the fun and helpful Wendy. It made me feel worse to be ignored by them, so I invested less and let them go. Later, I chose to be with people who loved me unconditionally and gave real support.

Less was more while I navigated the lonely path of grief. My true friends nourished me and understood. It was a better choice for me.

During loss you may lose family and friends. Not everyone wants to be there for the bad times. One of my closest friends abandoned me three days before my husband died. I was devastated. It happens.

Friendships are either strengthened or weakened in difficult times. It is best to let the ones who can’t or won’t support, go. Others will step into their places. Be open to new friends or people who return from the past. This is a time you need all the help that is offered.

Take some risks and venture out. Although I felt vulnerable, it was better to try and make connections. I found some wonderful people who helped me move through unchartered waters. They accepted me as a single person and were generous with their love, counsel, and time. No one replaces the one you have loved, but others help you through the tricky days.

Invest in the people who invest in you, especially when your life is in crisis. These relationships were strengthened through my loss. Just knowing when someone says that you can ring them day and night that they mean it is a gift.

The experience of loss ebbs and flows. It is like being swept along by a fast-moving river. However, having support along the journey means you move ahead safely and in love.

 

Change of location

Whether you move or not is your decision. However, if possible, try not to rush into any massive changes. Give yourself six months to a year before deciding. At the start, you are an emotional mess and making any big decision is unwise. Grief unbalances the body and the mind. When you are more settled look at whether moving is a good option.

The home or homes that you shared are full of memories. These memories are constant and the thought of living somewhere else can be appealing. Still, staying put gives stability in an unstable time. Regardless of moving home, you never escape the memories. They are in your heart and mind.

Changing location may be seen as moving on and with this intention you begin your new life. Instead of calling it the sea change, it becomes the grief change.

Now that your life is single your needs are different. Perhaps you want to expand your interests and need a bigger shed. A friend of mine is a blacksmith. He wanted to move to have a larger workshop. He had more time on his hands and his old shed was too small. The move helped him move to a better work location.

Sometimes, we decide to move closer to our family. Loss is lonely enough without being far away from those that we love. Instead of a total move, you may choose to rent out your home and rent the new place. Then you can try it out first. Our society is very transient and you may move only to find that your family changes jobs and moves away.

Do whatever makes you happy and gives you peace. It is your life now.

 

A Single Lifestyle

After living in a couple situation for over forty years being single again challenged me to the core. Once he was in the hospice, there was a void where our couple life used to be.

Then after the death, you are alone and lost. All of the routines and daily outings are gone. Driving off alone and having to complete the chores is hard. Before you always had someone to talk to and share the day and now there is a void. It takes time to adjust. Perhaps we don’t really adjust, we simply accept it.

Losing your partner creates an empty hole that is not always possible to fill. No one replaces your partner, not your mum or dad, or your kids. You may fill up the hole with seemingly meaningless activities and by being with other people, but the loss of your loved ones is never really filled. Often, I floated through the weeks trying to make sense of it all.

You may avoid walking in your favourite park because it brings up too much emotion or change the channel when a program you both enjoyed comes on. In time, when you are stronger you can revisit these places.

To be independent means you are self-reliant. At the beginning, I was anything but that. I struggled in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Some days seemed everlasting.

However, as I built up my independent life, it became more bearable. The single activities become the new normal and even being with our old friends became easier.

To move on you need to rebuild your life and every time you function as a single person, you reinvent yourself. When you pay the bills or fix the remote control, you assert your independence. These seemingly small achievements allow you to gather your strength and move ahead.

I pined and it was crippling. However, life does go on and every time I did a single activity, I healed a little. Many of us are alone and suffering loss. Instead of looking back, create a new you and try to fill your days with happiness.

Walking through the world after loss feels very strange. All around is the same, but for you everything has changed dramatically. Shopping without your partner and eating alone takes time to get used to.

It is a new life that you do not want. I did not like being single. It was alien and uncomfortable. Some days I could not face driving to the shops and walking around alone. I choose to stay home instead. You know what I mean.

The new lifestyle has a misery attached to it. When you are young and single there is a happiness in your freedom. However, being widowed is nothing like this. Of course, you are free, but it is awful because you do not want to be free. I wanted to be in a loving partnership and the single thing was not appealing.

At the beginning, trying to adapt is hard. As the weeks and months pass being single becomes more the norm. I disliked it, but what could I do. It was my new lifestyle. I stared ahead and saw more of the same life.

Although you may be open to a new relationship, the grieving needs time. During this time your emotions and life are a mess. The person you lost is in your mind constantly and you know there is more alone time until you heal.

I disliked my new life. I did my gratitude list and tried to be positive and happy. However, my heart was hurting and I missed my husband dreadfully. Be kind to yourself. You will not be as happy as before until the cloud of grief shifts which can take months and years. In reality, some people never leave the grief room.

I missed having a companion, I missed being loved and held. I knew until I healed this was my life. Facing that truth takes courage and it is sad. Usually, after a few weeks and definitely several months reality of the constant new lifestyle hits home. I also got tired of being good about it. It had a monotony to me like the same day over and over again. Being single is something you acclimatize to, but it does not sit well.

Eventually, it improves, and you know this is a gateway you cannot avoid. In the future life changes and new people may come into your life. Nothing lasts forever, so hang in there.

Although we always retain our single self, even in a close relationship, being only single is hard. You have lost an entire part of your daily life. Everything is done alone. You sleep alone, wake up alone, and spend countless hours as a solitary being. No one is there as before.

Some single ventures are already familiar. Shopping, your hobbies, and being with certain friends. However, for the most part you are lost in the sea in your forced singleness. Your singleness is not a choice.

Of course, you have good friends, but the proximity of a constant partner is different. There were days I could not face shopping alone again. I wanted to go to the movies but not by myself. Even with practice you may have these days. I knew that I could do it, but I was too depressed and stayed home.

Living as a single person again takes time and effort.

How well you cope depends on where you are emotionally. Some days you seem to fly through it and then without warning, you are thrust back into the struggle. Listen to your inner voice. Cancel outings when emotions are high. The people you are supposed to be seeing are not feeling like you. Staying home is a self-nurturing act, not being weak. Therefore, you must follow your own heart.

Being single brings opportunities, however it challenges us to the core

 

Medication and Counselling

Going through loss is challenging. Not being able to sleep, eat, and lack of focus happen in the beginning. High anxiety and symptoms similar to fear are rampant. Your doctor may be able to provide medicine to help you through this phase. Normally, medication is short- term, but depending on your circumstances you might need it long-term. If you need it, use it. It may be the difference between coping and falling apart.

After nursing someone through a long illness you are physically, emotionally, and mentally spent. Medication during the weeks, months, and years before they pass can help. When the person dies suddenly you may need sedatives to cope with the overwhelming shock. It is not a weakness to use medication to survive.

The grief cycle is tumultuous and life-changing. Pharmaceuticals serve a purpose and allow you to heal and function.

Alternatively, you may choose to use herbal medicines as well or instead of western medicine. Choosing herbs, teas, and natural products works too. The strength may not be the same, but the side-effects are less.

It is your journey and sometimes, others make judgements and give ill-considered advice. Decide what is best for you. Only when one walks the path do they truly understand what is needed.

Bereavement counselling is a great idea. You may get stuck in the process and a skilled counsellor can make a difference. It is not a sign of weakness to get counselling; it is looking after yourself.

Go for as long as you need. It may take a few sessions to many. The time is not important. Moving through your grief and having support is why you go. By talking to someone outside of your circle of family and friends allows to you to be totally honest. With those close to us, we may hold back and not want to upset them. However, the counsellor is removed from our personal life and does not have to see us socially. You can say what you like to them. It can be liberating.

Bereavement is a life tragedy and is unlike other situations. By visiting a specialist, you are able to focus on the problems and emotions in hand. Different coping methods are suggested by them and it is a place where you are free to be your whole self.

There are counsellors in real life or you may use a phone or online service. By expressing your emotions, you are able to work through it. Over time, your load becomes lighter. Whether you tell others or not about your sessions is your choice. Sometimes, simply having another person unconnected to your life is all it takes.

Counselling is healing and enables you to work through tough challenges and look at other ways of dealing with your situation.

Fresh eyes bring a new perspective when we are recovering.

 

Healing Your Grief

Loss writes a line across your heart; before and after.

Memories flood in day and night. Some are happy and comforting, while others are disturbing and unsettling. After a traumatic passing, the bad memories may come more frequently than the good ones.

Generally, you are suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress. It takes time for the terrible memories to fade. As the weeks and months pass, they become less and their vividness fades. However, there were some awful memories that I continued to have even after time had passed. You may have to accept this sad reality.

As you heal, the good memories return and the funny stories or positive times come into your mind. Grieving is a conflicting experience and the most pressing emotions like sorrow, anger, and fear may cloud you. However, the healing is beginning when you remember your loved one and smile, instead of constantly crying.

Looking at photos has two sides. It makes you long for the past or gives comfort. I found the photos upset me and I kept the albums away until I felt stronger emotionally. You need to decide what is best for you.

Everywhere you go you remember and it is something that is difficult to contain. Before you know you are back there thinking about the last time you did this or that as a couple. I accepted that it was part of the grief process and simply let it go. When the upsetting memories returned, I consciously shut them out. I did not have to revisit everything over and over again. The past was gone and focussing on previous events kept me from living in the present.

You need to decide how you wish to deal with sections of your grief life. Neither way is better than the other. This is your journey, your lost relationship and you make the rules. Others can comment, but they are not standing where you are.

At the beginning, your grief seems like a rocky river. Everything is moving fast and your emotions are heightened. This acute phase lasts for a few months. Then a strange feeling occurs. It is like the surface becomes seemingly calmer, while beneath a raging torrent runs. It is there all the time as you journey through the next stage of loss.

The tears subside somewhat and the agitation settles. However, now your grief is submerged and as life goes on, it appears like you are getting better. This time is deceptive. The dust may be settling, but the deeper emotions of sorrow, loss, fear, and anger manifest in this strange manner.

I could literally feel the subterranean grief. The volume of the emotions was turned down, but they still had power. It was the quietness and dark reality which confronted me. I talked and laughed, but inside I carried a massive amount of hidden grief.

You may experience this phenomenon. It is a weird and silent reminder of the deeper healing. At first you deal with the top emotions and the power of them. Afterwards, the core feelings begin to circulate in you. Often, no one sees them because you appear more like your old self.

After loss, we are always changed. That part of heart that loved them is not the same.

Although it is good you are moving through the process the drawback is that others think you are better. In fact, you may be worse. The pain of loss sits sadly in your being.

I felt a constant misery inside. Of course, I was getting used to my lonely existence and could cope with the changes. However, the undercurrent of sadness was hard to bear. It was like tears had settled in my soul. I kept releasing the emotions, but the blanket of sadness appeared to stay the same.

Being aware of the subterranean grief helped me manoeuvre through the times ahead.

Everyone deals with the loss of a partner differently. However, there are a few usual responses.

Those who cannot face it get lost. It may be for weeks, months, or years. They live in the past and never let go of the person or their longing for them. Although the person has died, they are still in a couple relationship. Many die single and alone.

Some people are very needy and rely on others a lot. In some cases, their family moves in or they go and live with them because they cannot cope. It hits them hard and without aid, they cannot get through it.

Then there are the strong survivors. The pain is as powerful for them, but they seek to be self-reliant and not bother others. They cry in private and appear to be better than they actually are.

Another group never talks about it. They lock the emotions and their past life away. It is as if they were not together. When the subject comes up, they avoid it and change the subject.

Some become clinically depressed and cannot break out of the trauma of loss. Then we may need professional help.

You may experience many of these grief styles during your recovery or only use one. However, while each is individual, they have the terrible and unbearable pain underpinning them. It is simply our different ways to cope with such a life-changing experience.