You have the festive season gone

 Congrats you survived the season. Be proud of yourself and happy it is over. This time brings up many memories and the sense of loss can be overwhelming in the midst of Christmas. 

  It does get easier but reality hits as time passes. 
I always buy myself a gift to lessen the empty hole. If you have not done so think about . Never too late for retail therapy. I dread Christmas and my husband's birthday was 28 December so no escape. 
Now you have all year before it happens again. 
I found it stirs up a lot of stuff and I felt like an alien in the festivities. 
Be kind to yourself. you are not going backwards it is just a process. 
Love, Wendy x

Oh, No Festive Season

 Well hold on tight as it is a challenging time. After losing your partner, Christmas is never the same. Don't beat yourself about it. It is a testament to the love you shared. 

I dreaded it and shielded myself somewhat. Only do and go to where you feel okay. If you want to stay home, it is fine. You are the one suffering. Watch bad TV, pig out and cry if you want. 

I bought myself a gift for the day to ease the loss and waited until the day passed by. 

When you have been together for many years, it is harder to stand alone there feeling terrible in a house of festivity. 

Give yourself permission to do what gives you peace and is less stressful.  

Love Wendy x

 

Support and Dependency

During your journey, there is a difference between support and dependency. Still, they are both valuable to you.

Support comes as physical, emotional, and mental. Your support group will help you through the process. Some will be there every day, while others come and go. Either way they are one of the main reasons you survive this ordeal.

Dependency may be necessary in the beginning. Do not worry that you are depending too much on others. Let everyone help you and meet your needs. So much is happening and you are incapable of functioning well. It is wise to let others help you manoeuvre through the process.

When my husband was dying, I was sleeping every night at the hospital and during a critical phase, I became disoriented. The shock of the diagnosis and lack of sleep made me into a zombie. I thought that I was doing well. However, my family became worried about me. At that stage, I listened to their advice and depended on them. They drove me to the hospital, organised my meals, and brought me home each day to rest for a few hours. They mothered me and I was totally dependent on them.

As I moved through the last weeks, the dependency continued. However, after his passing the dependence morphed into support. I became more able to function and did not need the same kind of care.

A mixture of dependency and support are necessary. When you need help, ask. There will be time later to become more self-reliant and repay their kindness.

 

Prayer, Meditation and Affirmations

Prayer is a personal choice. Sometimes, the process of death brings you closer to your God. Perhaps your prayers were not answered and the outcome was not what you wished, but your faith continues to be strong. Other times, the loss brings a loss of faith.

I pray all the time. Not in the church but definitely every time I need to speak to God. I also pray to my angels and those on the other side. I ask for guidance and the strength to get through this ordeal. In my prayers, I request that healing be sent to me and others who are struggling with grief.

Prayer is a valuable tool during grief, especially when you have faith. While you are in the angry phase and possibly hating God and everything else, prayer is more challenging. However, don’t shut yourself off from your God. Try to love God unconditionally. Everyone has to die and even God cannot change that truth. Although you may think it was the wrong time or mistakes were made, there is always a plan.

I had a serious accident in my early forties and nearly died. I remember crossing over and seeing the Light and my deceased mum. In a twinkling, I was sent back. It was not my time. It taught me that we only pass when the time is right.

After my husband’s death, my faith increased and it steered me through many sad and lonely times. Instead of feeling totally alone, I knew God and my angels were right there by my side. On the bad days, I struggled to sense them around, but I just nagged them for more clarity and help. I reached out and knew that they heard me.

Going to a church or joining a religious group may give you strength. The sense of belonging fortifies us and brings new light and joy into our lives. It does not matter how long you go or whether you only sit alone in the church and light a candle for your loved one. Just do what feeds your soul.

Meditating is a useful and calming tool. A few minutes every day first thing in the morning or at night may make the difference between coping or not. Meditate when you wish to nourish your soul

It is finding peace in the stillness that gives healing to the soul. I look forward to being in that peaceful space and reconnecting with Spirit. There are many ways to meditate. Do not give up if one version does not work. Find another one.

Some people do a walking meditation, while others attend classes. I simply lie in the Light and connect with my angels. Then I breathe in slowly and bring in positive thoughts and emotions and let go of negative ones. I ask for guidance and try to be in the moment.

Guided meditations are good because they keep you from drifting off and listening to a human voice soothes the soul. There are countless types available. I found that the person’s voice is important as it needs to resonate with you.

During meditation, the body relaxes and often you gain insights into aspects of your life. I look forward to connecting with myself and Spirit. It brings me peace and it is a sanctuary during dark times. Grief is overwhelming and by meditating more love and light enters our soul.

When someone we love has passed, they exist in the realms of meditation and I always feel closer to them. Being both of Spirit, we connect in this sacred space. You may use this time to talk to people who have passed and may receive signs or visions during your meditation. The two worlds blend and the spiritual connection is powerful.

Keep in mind that affirmations are powerful tools for change. By making your intentions and repeating them to yourself they begin to alter how you think and feel. Doing them daily works well. Simply say whatever you wish to change.

Recovering from grief is difficult and trying to think positive thoughts requires tenacity. However, keep saying over and over again what you want to change.

These are some useful affirmations

I am healing from this

Every day I am getting better and better

I am grateful for all that I have had

I have known love. What a gift!

Every day I am getting stronger

I am surrounded with love

I can get through this loss

I am a survivor

There is still some happiness in my day

The world is a loving and beautiful place

I am full of positive emotions and love

My thoughts are positive and powerful

This time will pass

The pain is lessening

As time passes add more of your own affirmations and tell your mind and body that you are healing. Your thoughts make you better because they change your body chemistry. Although there are days when it feels fake and your heart is not in it, continue to affirm.

In a way, it is like self-hypnosis. You are projecting a more positive and healthy life physically, emotionally, and mentally. Some people say them constantly. Others write them out or say them aloud. Use whatever works for you.

Keep positive, even in your negative space and refrain from saying negative statements all the time

 

Writing Letters and Reading Grief Books

Another avenue of expression is writing a letter to your loved one about how you feel. It is cathartic. When the passing has been tricky, anger and resentment may be left. Not all people die with grace. Some fight and are argumentative. Dying people often take out their frustrations on the family, while acting like an angel to others. This is a common outcome.

There may be much left unsaid, especially when your loved one passes unexpectedly. Even with prolonged illness, the medication and pain may make communication difficult.

Writing a letter serves two purposes. You are able to express your love and grief directly without any filter. The pain and loss, the void and tears can be fully voiced. It is also a way to express the anger you feel because they have gone and left you. The longing and disappointment about how it turned out can be written about.

The other situation is when you were left upset and disappointed with their treatment of you. Although you know they are ill and these behaviours may be due to the sickness and medication, a part of you still suffers. We all want a healing ending. However, when faced with death, some individuals try to regain control and become difficult for the family to deal with. Instead of reconciliation, the family are left with nasty memories.

Voicing your feelings via a letter allows you to let go. I wrote several letters to release my emotions. Some were the grief ones, while others were the venting, disappointed ones. After our loved ones die there can be many unanswered questions. Although we cannot get the answers, by writing out our feelings, we clear the slate.

I wrote the letters to my husband until there was no more to say. I also wrote to other loved ones from the past. Then whenever I felt the need to express myself again, I began writing. It helped me enormously to let go of my emotions and in my case, the negativity surrounding his death.

When I began my loss experience, I read everything I could find. Use Google, join grief groups, and find books. It gives a wider perspective and you feel less alone when others are experiencing the same reality. When you are upset, reading other people’s experiences and advice is healing and gives us hope of a better tomorrow.

Reading teaches us about common issues and how to cope. With grief you are in flux. There is a victim and survivor response to grief and you may switch from one to the other. However, long-term you become a victim or survivor. Victims tend to live primarily in the past which colours their present. Survivors acknowledge the past but live in the present and future.

Survivors want to move on and heal whereas victims want to remain in pain. I fluctuated in the beginning, but ultimately, I wished to be a survivor. On the forums, I noticed that some people remained in the victim space for decades.

Reading that grief comes in waves helped me because the up and down was confusing. Once I saw the pattern, I made allowances. I let myself cry and be miserable. Instead of feeling weak and out of control, I expected to breakdown anywhere and anytime.

Loss taught me how difficult life is, but my compassion for myself and others was heightened. I marvelled at others who had navigated through the years of loss. There are lessons in grief and it strengthens us and builds our ability to grow.

Find books that resonate with you and your experiences and gain what you can from them. I found books written by people who had lived through their loss was truer and more realistic.

 

Free Writing

Free writing is different to journaling. It is less a record of your day and more like a long expression of emotions and thoughts. There are many emotions and they may be overwhelming. Writing out how we feel helps to release much of the chatter in our mind and heart. Free writing is cathartic and a useful method in release work.

Write continuously and let it all out. By writing without censor, you fully express without judgment or measure. Say everything in your writing. Our family and friends are great to talk to, but some of our darker and sadder thoughts are kept to ourselves. Free writing allows you to vent and express your deepest emotions in a private place.

Not all deaths are easy. Writing in private enables you speak the truth without hurting or compromising any family relationships. You may cry and sob as you write and let out your fear, doubt, sorrow, anger and rage.

Moving on is about letting go and you definitely let go with free writing. Let yourself swear, repeat what you said, and vent. It is normal to write pages and pages as you pour out your heart.

The more you write, the clearer it becomes and over time, the load lessens. Then whenever you get a build-up get out your book and begin writing. At times, I wrote very quickly and it looks like a scrawl. Don’t worry if there are pages of illegible sentences.

Reading aloud what you have written is powerful. Somehow it brings up another wave of emotion. Afterwards, you can rip up the pages and throw them in the bin. Some people like to burn them. It’s a personal choice.

 

Journals

Writing is a valuable tool in your journey. Being able to write about the day and how you feel is healing. Use the journal when you have the need, but do not make it a chore. You have enough chores already.

Writing allows you to shed the past. Every morning or night have that little written conversation with yourself. Speak honestly and freely. The act of writing is letting go and there is much to let go of during loss. I was surprised later when I read my journal. I saw my progress and it gave me an understanding of how far I had come.

Journaling is a positive affirmation of your healing. As time passes and you become stronger and more able to face your new life, your writing will change.

Try to be truthful and inspire yourself with positive thoughts. Nothing lasts forever and in time, you will heal Your journal is a physical manifestation of your healing journey and a useful avenue of expression. Your journal can be a way to write about what you are grateful for and then it also becomes a journal of hope and faith. Not only can you write about your current emotions, or make a wish list for the future, you may include poems, sayings you love, and small drawings.

Being a private activity, you are able to fully express yourself in a safe environment. Often, we only say aloud what others can handle. Loss is such an encompassing experience and writing allows unfettered expression.

Getting through special days after losing someone

 

The Gift of Giving 

The gift of giving changes after the passing of your loved one. When you are in a loving partner relationship you tend spoil each other. This is missing once you lose your partner. The flowers, the chocolates and cakes, and gifts of kindness are no more. There is a hole in your life.

Other people may do special acts of kindness, but it never fills that particular place in your heart. I missed giving and receiving these treats with my husband. He was my world and I loved doing special things for him.

The best way to remedy it by treating yourself and others. Although it never is the same, this simple act of generosity fills an empty day. Buy flowers for yourself, boxes of chocolates, or anything you fancy. Also buy gifts and treats for others.

There are countless losses and all you can do is to try and provide close to what you had. Loving yourself enough to spoil yourself is healing and teaches you to be self-sufficient. Spoiling others enables you to retain your kindness and to continue to be thoughtful.

When my husband died, I missed this aspect of my life. I had found much joy in giving to him and now I was limited. Instead, I sent him love and light whenever I could. I sent good wishes and hopes that he finds happiness too. It was a spiritual act, rather than a physical human one, however it fulfilled my need to give to him. I remembered him in my prayers and often lit a candle on his behalf.

The act of giving continues, even though they are gone from our physical reality.

 

Being Patient  

Recovery is a slow and painful experience. Practice patience.

Nothing is permanent, but during grief the pain and loss seem never-ending. Practice patience. I wanted the pain and the unbearable daily suffering to go away. I struggled being patient and kept begging for it to end.

However, the effects of loss cannot be taken away quickly. You want your old life back. You want to stop the misery. You want to run through it and find your happy place. On a level, I knew it will get better and the pain would lessen, however that was not how it felt every day.

Although you are struggling, your capacity to heal does become stronger. As the days and weeks pass, you come to accept your new life.

The more you let go of the negative emotions and accept that you are on your own, the sooner the healing. You are a work in progress. How much progress you make is less important than your intention to heal, however long it takes.

Everyone moves through grief in their own way. Do not compare yourself to others. The type of relationship you shared, the time spent together and the depth of love and connection factor into your recovery. Some individuals have great coping skills and seem to sail through the loss, while others become trapped.

Comparing your progress to others is useless. The variables are great and so are the different kinds of endings. Some individuals never find their peace, while others pass through quite quickly. There is a gauge which suggests two years are the worst. However, you might take more or less time.

You are allowed to take as long as you need. Nobody is feeling the way you are. Other people may observe you and make a judgment, but ultimately, you are the only person who knows where you are in the process. And having said that, during grief your rudder may be so wonky that even you are unsure where you are in the process.

How you react will help you to monitor your position in many areas. Have the yes, the no, and the most important one, not sure. I never knew from hour to hour, let alone day by day, how I was going. Do not commit or promise anything.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is time and choice.

Your family and friends want what is best for you. However, they are not you and not going through the upheaval that is now your life. Well-meaning support is not support unless you want it. On my first Christmas Day, I was a total crying mess. My friend wanted me to come over to their place, but I was in no shape to do so. They even offered to pick me up. Their intention was beautiful, but all I wanted was to be alone. My grief had built up so much that I was not functioning.

Therefore, being alone was the gift that I gave myself. In your aloneness you are able to release the tears and sorrow. Some emotions are powerful and being in your own space allows it to come out. The deeper the release, the more time you need alone. I cried and cried and cried. I had no energy to talk or deal with anyone else. You may have similar times.

When you are alone on these occasions it does not feel lonely. I felt content to be alone in my misery until it subsided. It was an act of self-love.

Daily Reminders of those who have died

 

Music 

I used music like medicine and played sad songs, angry songs, and soul music. Music is a powerful form of healing. When I was terribly upset, I played the same song on repeat. Somehow, the music calmed me down. Often, I played it loudly and sang along.

Music is a powerful trigger in loss. Grief is a private experience and everyone has their memorable pieces of music. There were also our songs which made me cry as I heard them. The music you shared is harder to hear at the beginning. I remembered when we danced or listened to it together.

Music is a visual memory box of our lives. Old memories are rekindled as you play certain music. Be ready to face the emotions that surface. On the vulnerable days, I used music because it resonated with how I was feeling. However, on other fragile days I avoided certain music for the same reason.

On the bad days, I used calming music like 423 hertz or Tibetan bells. It settled my heart. This music is useful on the days you wake feeling sick and nauseous.

Music affects our heart and expresses what we have no words to express. Use it as part of your healing journey.

 

Chores

Allow yourself to have some chore free days or even weeks. Grief is a hard and relentless process which exhausts even the strongest person. Stepping back from the chores releases you from the constant number of things to do.

Perhaps you can leave the vacuuming and dusting till next week or close the door on that messy spare room. Giving yourself a break might have a very unusual outcome. I found that after a time-out I seemed to gather more momentum and was able to do much more cleaning afterwards. It was a welcome positive from the break.

You may decide to have a complete break from chores and either ask another person to do them for a while or pay someone to do them. This allows you to rest or concentrate on more pressing matters.

My heart and mind felt in chaos and often, so did my house. I would look at the build-up and not have the energy to tidy up. Letting myself leave it all and not feel guilty gave me time to recover. Instead of working for hours on chores, I broke them into smaller sections and did one or two chores each day. Then when I had my days off there was less to finish.

The chores will always be there however, you are more important. Nothing is more important than surviving the onslaught of issues loss brings to the fore. Be kind to yourself and simply be ‘lazy” on some days.

While you are in emotional chaos life goes on. The fatigue accompanying loss is crippling. Getting a meal on the table becomes insurmountable and hanging out the washing becomes an effort.

Be gentle and kind to yourself regarding this area. You are out of your depth emotionally. Even though a trip to the shop becomes the event for the day you find that you come home without the crucial items. Your mind is a fog.

Buy food online and have it delivered when going out is impossible. List the order of chores and only do the necessary ones. Make a list and put it on the fridge. Every day think about what needs to be done and use the little energy you have to set it in place. Maybe it means taking out a frozen meal and watering a few plants. Other days you can achieve five or six chores. On the good days, try to knock over as many jobs as possible.

Get an outside person to take some of the load, even if it is only for a few weeks or months. My kindly next-door neighbor mowed my front lawn and I really appreciated the gesture.

Grief knocks you off your feet. The high emotional toll plus lack of sleep and total lifestyle upheaval makes you unable to perform as before. Recognize what is possible and important to complete, and leave the rest for tomorrow.

Your emotional and mental health is more important than having a tidy house and well-planned menu for the week. See each activity in small terms. The washing up takes ten to fifteen minutes so do that and then rest. Instead of doing a long run of chores do them over the day and night. It may be strange to be washing floors at midnight, but while you are wide awake it is a fruitful use of time.

Eventually, you master this area and life returns to some kind of normalcy. However, be aware it takes weeks, months, and years to heal from the death of your partner. Be kind and not punishing about dirty dishes in the sink. Your life has changed dramatically and taking good care of yourself is more important than maintaining the status quo.

On the flip side, mindless tasks are healing because for a while you don’t have to think. It is a time out from your woes. Cleaning and sorting are a way of self-soothing. When you are upset and unable to focus these activities may help. The mindlessness is calming and provides a sense of achievement.

The action of cleaning symbolizes cleaning out old emotions. It gets rid of negative energy. Everything around is energy and with every shift, you move ahead. Scrubbing floors and sorting out drawers is productive and another avenue to change the energy.

Sorting out clutter is like putting your life in order and getting rid of the unnecessary. Being upset and not coping is exacerbated by mess. Inner mess reflected in external mess. By being in a clearer space, you feel clearer.

Loss challenges us to the core and you need to clean and sort only in areas that do not upset you. Washing a floor does not compare to washing the clothes of your lost loved one. Be careful to choose neutral cleaning jobs. Likewise sorting out the laundry cupboard is less problematic than the jumper collection of your missing partner. Keep these cleaning and sorting chores for another day.

An added bonus is a tidier environment and then you are not worried by drop in visitors.

After my husband died, I spent days alone and these jobs helped me. I only did them as needed and made no promises to myself to have them done in any order or time. Gradually, my home became easier to live in.

When we perform mindless activities our mind and heart have time to heal. It is like the issues and heartaches go to the back of the mind and this resting time creates a healing outcome. Often, we gain insights and have light bulb moments. Whenever the chores involve water the ability to being “tuned in “increases dramatically.

During loss there is clutter mentally and emotionally. However, when you clear your space, you clear your energy. 

 

Retail therapy

During the loss you may lose sight of what makes you happy. Happy is not part of your daily life as the grief clouds every hour. However, retail therapy has two positive outcomes. Buying something you love gives temporary happiness and satisfaction. Then when you have bought or ordered it online having something new arriving brings joy.

Using retail therapy makes a completely sad day a little better. Every week buy an item or small gift for you or someone you love. Make it part of the healing process. Having a brand-new product is like bringing the future into your world. New cushions, a new dress, or cooking utensil give another focus.

Some of your clothes might remind you of the times you had together. They were tied into places you visited as a couple or times you enjoyed together. Now this may upset you. Buy a couple of new dresses and tops that have no old memories and wear them instead on the dark days. It is a form of moving on.

When you are heading towards a special birthday, Christmas or anniversary buy a little gift for yourself which arrives around that time. It takes away the pain of having another celebration alone. I bought a couple of Royal Doulton Plates before Valentine’s Day. As a couple, we always went out for a special meal, bought cards, and a gift. Now this day is a lonely one. However, having my plates arriving day or two before changed the energy for me. Of course, I felt the sadness of the day, but at least there was a little sunshine in that week. Being prepared is wise because these occasions keep on coming and retail therapy lightens a gloomy time.

 

Happy Activities and Home Comforts 

Make a list of things you love to do. After the passing, you will be all over the place. List old and new ideas. Post them on the fridge and use them to add happiness to your day. Include buying items on line, joining interest groups, gardening, reading, painting, baking, and various pursuits like writing and exercising.

It is a time to re-evaluate who you are and what you love.

When you are terribly unhappy, it is easy to spiral down. A session of yoga or a few minutes running on the trampoline alters your energy and at least for a short time you are in a happy place.

Be mindful that it is important that while you are enjoying yourself try not to focus on the past or future. Just be in the now. Being happy changes your body chemistry and increases endorphins. Even short bursts of happiness build change.

Finding happiness amidst the gloom and doom takes effort, but the benefits are worth it

Listen to your inner voice and allow your home to nurture you. Surrounded by familiar sounds and places there is no pressure. My home helped me to heal. I could be exactly how I felt without anyone else to consider. Nearly every time I ventured out, I met someone and had to face it again.

As long as you do not hide there indefinitely home is good. There were days I did no housework and stayed in bed watching Netflix. I soothed myself with comfort foods and it lessened the stress. If I did not wish to answer the phone or front door, I didn’t.

Sleep when you want. Spent time luxuriating in the bath. Eat whenever you want and sit in the garden

Sometimes being home is the cure. Although you are not moving on physically, you are moving through difficult emotions and releasing them in a safe environment.

During home days nurture yourself and do not do anything difficult. Time out at home recharges and rests a weary heart.

 

Forgiveness and Acceptance 

To forgive means you stop blaming or feeling anger towards the person or situation. You no longer wish to punish them.

After losing your partner, there is much to forgive. You have to forgive the situation, yourself and often them for going. It is in forgiveness that you truly move on.

During grief, there may be a great amount of anger and blame. The doctors may be blamed and you feel angry because your loved one has dying. Being left behind makes you angry and how your life turned out feels the same. You may be angry at God, your situation, and from being widowed.

Once your anger dissipates, forgiving becomes easier. I worked for months to let it go and be able to completely forgive. I forgave him for dying which seemed ridiculous, the situation I found myself in and most importantly, myself. It took a great deal of work to come to a final sense of forgiveness. However, it taught me that with forgiveness comes peace and healing.

Writing out your woes helps the anger shift. Acknowledging how angry I was and how much I was punishing myself took time. However, it was pivotal in my healing to find forgiveness.

I told my family that they no longer had to be angry for my situation because I had forgiven everything that had occurred. When the passing has been difficult and without resolution, anger and blame may prevail. Not everyone is a good patient or changed before they die. Many become even more stubborn and refuse to make retribution. People do not change just because they are facing their death. Often, they become even more entrenched in poor behaviour because they are angry because they are going.

Work at forgiveness because it releases you in a way that nothing else does. Stop being angry, blaming, and punishing yourself and others. Although it is a normal response, you do not have to live like this forever.

To not forgive is a weaker stand than forgiving. It takes much strength and love to come to forgiveness.

Like forgiveness, coming to acceptance may take a while. Be patient because your new life with its immeasurable losses takes time to come to terms with. There are many changes to grapple with, let alone accept.

Be kind and gentle when working towards acceptance. The constant reinforcement of your new daily life brings you into accepting your fate.

There is no way to change loss. Your entire existence is forever changed. There is no way to go back and only a maze of unknowns ahead. Nevertheless, the more time passes, the easier acceptance becomes. The new reality is that the person is never coming back.

More than time, acceptance heals all.

Time brings you to this acceptance. I took baby steps accepting my husband had died and that I was left alone. Accepting my new lifestyle was difficult and I struggled. My new status as widow made me have to redefine myself. Although there were many possibilities ahead, there was also loss and loneliness. These seemed to overwhelm the possibilities. Travelling alone felt less inviting, as did watching a movie by myself.

No one replaces someone you have loved. You may fill the space with other people or activities, but it is never the same. I missed the familiarity and closeness gained simply by living as a couple. You have lived together and nothing or no one is filling that void.

Over the months, acceptance becomes easier. Your time alone is the new normal and as you look wistfully at other couples you accept that is not part of your current world. It could be again but not with your previous loved one. Finally, you face the fact that it is over. All you have are memories and the fading story of your times together. That is sad.

Acceptance works layer by layer. You cannot rush it or skip over it. Your new life reinforces the changes and cements the truth. You may reminiscence and remember events and special occasions, however you accept your time as a couple is over. The tears and loneliness bring you to this final destination.

Acceptance is living in the present, while honoring the past.

There is great growth in acceptance. You allow yourself to head into the future with promise and the lessons learned. Your heart finally heals and sunshine comes more readily into your world. You begin to live your life as a single person and survive.

 

Abandonment, Rejection, Neglect and Wallowing

Although you know the lost loved one has not abandoned you, it feels like they have. It is totally irrational response and yet you feel it. They are gone and you are left alone and bereft. There is sadness, loss, and anger.

Being abandoned taps into our little child. The fear and anxiety rise up and you are like a small, frightened child. When my husband died, I was devastated and lost. I felt alone and left behind.

On many levels, you are left here to fend for yourself and deal with the collateral damage. Uncertainty about your future and the feeling of devastation add to the stress. The truth is that the one left behind suffers in unimaginable ways. It is an hourly battle, especially at the beginning.

No matter how much time you have to get prepared when the person dies you discover how totally unprepared you are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Nothing prepares you for loss of this magnitude.

We may have yelled and screamed at the one who has gone and begged them to come back. It is a desperate time. However, the wailing and crying never brings them back to us. Loss is heartbreaking and seems never-ending.

However, as you grow and begin to cope with being alone the abandonment feeling diminishes.

Unless you go through the loss of a partner, you can’t understand how it really feels. Forgive people for seeming to reject you. It is not rejection but their inability to know how to handle the situation.

Sometimes they step back when you need them to step forward. This reaction is normal. Do not read anything sinister into it. You are wearing a wobbly antenna now and your judgement may be impaired. Accept the love and help from those kind souls who are there for you. Accept the behaviour of those souls who can’t or don’t know how to be there.

Although it feels like rejection keep in mind that you are emotionally very sensitive.

As a single person you are different. Without your partner the whole relationship with others changes. Some of us to adapt quickly and the transition is easy, while others take time to get used to it. The feeling of being rejected has more to do with their response to the grief than of you.

Embrace the nurturing ones and try not to focus on the others. Not everyone in your group of family and friends can be there. Although you are overwhelmed and need them, they are struggling too with the death.

I had a lightbulb moment with people. I began to see them as they truly were. I realized that narcissistic and selfish individuals did not care about how I felt. It was not personal. They never care about anyone except themselves. You are not alone with these individuals because everyone is treated in the same unloving manner.

During loss it is a hard reality to face. It might be the first time in your relationship with them that you were the one in need. When the light bulb came on it was disappointing. However, unconditional love teaches us to accept others and their flaws. Let them go and live their lives and remember not to depend on them. Their words are merely words. Ask someone who is unselfish and shows love and support through actions. Selfish individuals are not bad people. However, they do hurt others due to their self-absorption and lack of empathy.

The grief process highlights many parts of your life and the light shines on areas you may not have seen before.

The one common issue you may suffer is emotional neglect, perceived or real. Grief creates a chasm emotionally and locks you into a prison of sadness. In these situations, you may feel emotionally neglected by others. It is obvious to you that Christmas, birthdays, New Year, and anniversaries are a nightmare emotionally. However, unless you are fortunate and have a few good people around, you can be neglected during these pivotal times.

Try not take it personally. Empaths or widows and widowers are aware, while self-absorbed people cannot see past their own needs and wants.

On the days you felt neglected nurture yourself and ring a supportive friend. Instead of focusing on the empty hole left by neglect, fill it with self-soothing activities.

During the loss, many family members are unable to process their own emotions, let alone support another. It is natural to lean towards family, however asking someone who is drowning to give help may be fruitless. In addition, denial is a strong component with people who are emotionally neglectful. Everyone works through loss in their way and time. It is not unusual for others to shelve the whole situation and face it years later. It seems that the further out from the loss, the easier it becomes to avoid.

The widow or widower is living the reality every hour whether they want to or not. There is nowhere to hide. However, sons and daughters are often removed from the family home and have already left the nest. Disconnection makes avoidance more likely.

Although you feel emotionally neglected, try not to take it personally. Being angry when you are neglected is normal. Still, try to see the bigger picture and not punish them. Forgive them and move on. I decided to detach from those who were neglectful. I sent them love and let go of my expectations.

Wallowing is allowing expression of your deepest and darkest emotions. Wallowing is not always avoidable. Trying to keep positive is admirable, but grief consumes everything. Although wallowing has negative connotations, it is a natural outcome. Allowing your emotions to be felt and expressed is healthy.

Loss is a particularly deep and life-changing event. The losses are not only the obvious ones. You lose a life shared together. Your entire world is different. The past is lost, but so is your future as you saw it. The person you wanted to be with today and tomorrow is not there. The loneliness is heartbreaking.

There is some research which indicates wallowing gives us time out from having to cope. By crying and having a prolonged meltdown, you let go of the stress created by the grief situation. I wallowed for hours and sometimes, for days. The heavy sadness weighed me down and took time to release. Of course, I tried to let my feelings go, but the painful emotions were undeniably powerful. Emotions spill out and run into every part of your soul. You hurt everywhere and it is dreadful. The terrible pain comes up into your throat and pours out. Try to see wallowing as a vehicle in which everything pours out.

Wallowing is honestly how you feel. Never judge or blame yourself for wallowing. The only way through grief is feeling it as it comes to the fore. I wallowed and let it all come out. Resist the temptation to shut down the experience because it is a powerful way to release your deepest emotions. Wallowing may be done around others, however mostly it is done in private.

 

Work and Leisure 

When possible, keep aiming to work. Work stabilizes and takes your mind away from the ongoing loss. However, at the start it may not be an option. Unless you are functioning well consider time away.

I took off a few months during the worse part. Initially, I tried to go back, but the yo-yo effect of grief meant I never knew when I was operational. I gave myself this time to heal. As I improved, I added the type of work activity that I could manage without feeling pressured.

Healing is a slow process and unpredictable. The waves of emotions make life messy and uncertain. When I decided not to work it was frustrating because I loved to work and it gave me an escape from the constant pain. However, the downside was my inability to perform adequately.

Instead, I worked on other areas and rechannelled what energy I had there. I made lists of jobs and activities that were doable.

We function differently through grief situations and you have to be true to yourself. Make the best decision for you.

Focus on healing and see whether work helps or hinders it.

Leisure time is a dangerous place where your demons may surface. Perhaps, you spent leisure time with your lost love and now you are alone. Therefore, doing the same activity brings much sadness. I tried to do daily walks through my local park, but the memories and number of tears I shed while walking was not worth it. In time, I knew I would resume walking but not in the early stages.

However, some leisure pursuits work well and have no effect on you emotionally. Pursue these. Adding new ones is beneficial and allows expansion in your new world. When it is a group activity, you meet new people and arrive as a single person, instead of half of a couple.

Joining singles groups is an option. However, initially your broken heart may be unable to face fronting up alone. You may not be ready to tell others you are widowed. You are unsure how you will handle it.

Wait until you are ready. Let your emotions settle. Then venture out.

 

Trust and Asking for Help 

Surprisingly, trust becomes an issue during grief. I did not trust that I would survive the ordeal. It felt insurmountable to me. I am sure you have felt the same enormity and fragility. Due to my messy and unstable condition, I felt unable to rely on my ability to make wise decisions. My usual coping skills were stretched simply making it till lunchtime.

People offer help, but you can’t work out who to trust and rely upon. Many people say they are there to give support, but when you ask, they are too busy. It is not your fault because you trusted what they said was true. In the end, it is what others do, not what they say they will do. Use this as a gauge, rather than believing them naively.

Some family and friends stay and others slide into the shadows. Everything is shifting beneath your feet and it feels insecure. Take a step back and give yourself time to reassess.

The fog lifts over time and remember that your antennae are not broken, simply a bit wobbly. I tried to make decisions and do tricky tasks on my better days. My ability to order the right items or remember to pay a bill were compromised. The old reliable me was gone. My trust in my abilities was challenged, so I enlisted others to help me or to check what I had done was right.

Trust makes us feel secure and grief makes us feel insecure.

Asking for help is difficult. When you are used to depending on one person or yourself, it takes a shift to ask for assistance. The one person you could always rely on is gone.

At first, it scared me. How could I possibly do everything on my own? Then I came up with a plan. The man/woman in the van. I attempted to fix what I could and then I got help by calling the man/woman in the van. They were the experts in the chosen field and he or she could solve it. By knowing there was outside help, I felt less stressed. One phone call or text meant I was not alone. Luckily, I also had a son and a few friends who helped a lot.

Once I came to the realization that in fact, I was surrounded by assistance I felt relieved and supported. In the future, I can repay the any favours done by my family and friends.

Whenever the nervousness and anxiety rise remind yourself that you have support. Anxiety and worry diminish once we find a solution.

There are various changes after loss of any kind. The props that held you up might be gone, but you can be resourceful and resolve all problems.

 

Checking out and Doing Nothing

Checking out is a useful strategy. You are going through many emotions and anxieties and detaching into another world works. It is not denial, simply a coping measure.

Checking out means you stay on your own or stop doing the normal activities. Time stands still while you regroup. Perhaps you need weeks of this strategy and other times, a few hours are enough. During these spaces healing occurs on a deeper level. Although you are cleaning the house or absorbed in a trashy television show your heart and mind are readjusting.

There is nothing you can do to escape the passage of grief. The tunnel is long and some days the light at the end is hard to see. Consumed by emotions and fear[WE1]  you may have to stop in order to keep going.

When I checked out eating ice-cream and lying in bed watching movies, I knew it was doing me good. Having a break from the situation and tedium of forms and death certificates recharged me. It does not matter in this place what you do and how often. The important consideration is allowing yourself to be off-duty from your incredibly difficult life.

Checking out from the never-ending grief allows your mind and heart to settle and process the situation. When we are focusing on something else, we recalibrate the future.

Learn to love your checking out times. They strengthen and ground us. Whenever you need factor them in and embrace the respite.

Society is always expecting us to be involved in some activity. Therefore, doing nothing as a tool for healing sounds counter-productive. However, it is a wonderful way to deal with everything. Sitting looking out the window or lying alone in bed gives comfort. When you are on overwhelm, it is like a sanctuary.

After everything that has happened you may be totally spent. The exhaustion of the last months makes you slow and apathetic. Not sleeping properly does not help.

Unlike checking out, no activity is involved with doing nothing. It is like a healing meditation. Let yourself sit in the space until you feel like moving. Never feel lazy or guilty about doing nothing. The body is wise and this is the body resetting itself again.

As time passes, you may need less nothingness time.

Your first family may have encouraged activity all the time and you may feel guilty when resting. Remember that guilt is when you have done something wrong and there nothing wrong with being still and doing nothing. It is a powerful way to process our thoughts and emotions.

Being in the “nothing” space brings you back to yourself and recharges the soul.

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