Losing Your Partner

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100035803651875

Sunday 26 May 2019

Meltdowns

It is normal to have constant meltdowns everywhere. These episodes are spasmodic and you may have big and small meltdowns. The grief simply spills into everything. When you are a private person coming to terms and acceptance of this occurrence takes time.

I broke down at coffee shops, in banks, and at the slightest provocation. The floods opened and the tears flowed unrelentingly.

The greater the loss, the more meltdowns you suffer.

The best outcome is to know that it is unavoidable and not a sign of weakness. Be kind to yourself. I expected the meltdowns to be easier after a few months, only to find them getting worse. I hoped before I set off for the party or shopping trip those previous hours of tears would “dry” me up.

However, it was not something I relied on. It is surprising with the amount of heartache around that there are not more people crying in public places.

Time is a great healer and although meltdowns are annoying they are great because they release all your pent-up emotions. You find in time the episodes lessen in intensity and there are bigger gaps between your meltdowns.

Love, Wendy x

My other social media:

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100035803651875

Doing it your way

Unless you have experienced deep loss, you cannot really understand the wider implications. Many people suggest things but I urge you to follow your own feelings. Only you know how it feels...well kinda. Some days I could not even comprehend where I was in the whole process.

However, please by guided by your own instincts.....yes, they are still there. Follow your own pace and do what you can when you can.

Grief fluctuates and it is best to use a day by day approach.

You are not always getting better...some days you are getting worse, so rest and soothe yourself. Go back to work when you decide, begin socializing when you want and do not always listen to others.

Remember that they are not carrying the emotional load you are. Their well meaning suggestions come from a another space of normal life. The life we had before but now does not exist. What they suggest is doable from their perspective but seems insurmountable for us.

Go at your own pace. Forget about the 2 year it is all over idea. The loss process is slow and unpredictable.

Day by day. You know best what feels possible and what is another burden on a bad day.

Trust yourself and stop feeling weak or guilty for not being able to function as before.

Grief is crippling and therefore, allow your healing to take as long as needed. I just keep giving myself more time and have lessened the pressure on myself to get over it now.

We are all works in progress. Love yourself enough to allow the healing to take as long as you need.

Take care of yourself.

Love, Wendy x

My other social media:

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100035803651875

Wednesday 15 May 2019

Are you experiencing distress?

Distress is a heightened feeling of extreme anxiety, sorrow and pain.

No one speaks about the distress you feel when a loved one dies.

I had weeks and months of this extreme emotion and initially, did not recognise I was experiencing distress. Because it went on for ages and stayed at a high level, I was consumed by it every day.

Perhaps you have been actually living in a distressed space without having a word for that emotion.

Distress is consuming and tiring.

I would wake up at all hours and have this awful feeling. I felt like it was overwhelming the day or night. Eventually, the episodes of being very distressed lessened but then it would come out of nowhere and upset me.

It does pass but you generally have to ride the storm.

Remember grief has many layers so be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself and use whatever works to soothe your soul.

Love, Wendy x

My other social media:

Friday 10 May 2019

Mother's Day

Mother's Day may be a happy and sad day for many. When our mum has passed, it is bitter sweet.

On this special day, you can send her a loving wish, light her a candle or wear something she left you. We mourn those who have been with us for a lifetime. Having shared so many years the bonds are strong and the memory bank is large.

Be grateful for the years she stayed with you.

Mums behind leave a special legacy and remain in our hearts until we meet again.

Enjoy the Mother's Day you are having.

Love, Wendy xxxxxxxx

Tuesday 7 May 2019

Healing a lonely heart

Finding your happy place

Once a loved one dies, nothing is ever as before. The structure of your former life is changed and the days ahead seem empty.

Grief leaves an aching hole in your heart.

Surviving on a daily or sometimes, hourly level are your new challenges. I found that the sadness was consuming and getting back some semblance of happiness was hard.

However, try every day to do or enjoy something that makes you happy. It may be lovely breakfast, a walk through the park, or doing a hobby. When possible laugh and smile again. In these small moments, we are happy and it reminds us that life is still beautiful.

The truth is that the grief walks with us regardless of what is happening around us. I tried to be mindful and focus on that moment of happiness or joy. To fully immerse myself in this time and give my day a ray of sunshine.

It is like the break in the clouds when a little light peeps through.

Gradually, as time passes you may have more of these moments and slowly your life becomes less painful. Do not feel guilty for being happy because happiness does not mean our deeper feelings of loss are gone. We simply focus on another aspect of life for a while.

The journey is difficult and challenging. However, our greatest challenge is to go ahead without them. To find meaning again in our world and rebuild it gradually.

Allow yourself to be happy again, while carrying them in your heart forever. They would not want us to suffer without them here on earth.

Love, Wendy x .

Annoying thoughts

Grief is obsessive by nature. Your emotional compass is unbalanced and this causes dysfunction in your thought processes. It takes no time at all to be caught in a loop which runs over and over.

Your internal emotional, mental, and psychological machine is playing constantly during the grief process. I had flashbacks of the last few weeks and months. Whenever I was not concentrating, in they came. I felt swamped by the past. I can’t remember how many times that last day and his actual death jumped into my thoughts. There were the memories and the painful emotions.

When the death or time of loss is traumatic, the imprint is stronger and harder to avoid.

Every time I was reliving, it I tried to let it go. This changed my focus and enabled me to move on. In releasing it, there was acknowledgment and over time, the time between the flashbacks lengthened.

Good and healthy internal thoughts feed you while distressing or highly emotional ones drain you.

Gradually, by replacing these negative memories your brain is rewired into a positive space.

Loss is painful and hard but you do not have to continue to relive it all and experience negative and sad thoughts forever..

Your internal world underpins your outer life and you need to build a happy platform upon which to live.
Love, Wendy x

We are never truly alone. Our loved ones and the angels are but a veil away. Love, Wendy x

Tuesday 30 April 2019

Grief stories from Wendy ... the loneliness of grief

Monday 29 April 2019

Grief stories by Wendy...dealing with the exodus of support

Saturday 27 April 2019

How to forgive others and yourself

Missing the old life

I found a lot of the sadness comes from missing the person and the times you shared together.

You have the memories but they are only shells of what you shared.

The missing is quite acute some days and on special occasions. I cried more during these times and before, during and after the special day.

Nurture and be kind to yourself because you are hurting. There is also disappointment because life will never be the same again. That finality is difficult to bear.

In a way, I was grateful to have the memories but they highlighted the alone feeling.

Know you are not alone because thousands of us are all going through what you are...just with a different relationship.

The pain does ease, but perhaps it never really goes away.

Love, Wendy x

Anzac Day

Today in Australia it is Anzac Day. We honor and think about all the lives lost in war and reflect.

In the morning, there are many dawn services and marches throughout the nation. It is a day of mourning in a way, a day to remember.

Love, Wendy x

Tuesday 23 April 2019

Being emotionally upset

Losing a loved one makes you feel very emotionally upset. I felt upset about the obvious loss but there were more things than that. The hopes and dreams I had for the future were gone and I was upset being widowed. I was upset at being alone and with the way others responded or did not respond to my situation. I was upset my world was such an emotional mess!!!

Those around us often have a happy life. We might have had that life too. But now there is no way of getting back that feeling. Happiness is only fleeting. An outing with a close friend, a laugh during a movie or watching the sunset.

Coming to terms with this new and unhappy life takes a lot of adjustment. You know what I mean. You try to be positive and see the blessings around but inside there is an aching hole.

It definitely is the life before they died, and the life afterwards.

The past is in the past but honestly, it does affect the present and the future. Take your time and only do what you can. Others are not trying to function with a broken heart.

I know we will learn to live this new life. I know we can do it. However, the emotional cost is massive and far-reaching.

Never feel like a failure when it comes to grief.

Navigating through the weeks and months is difficult and tiring. I was totally devastated and lost. Getting my bearings back was a slow and painful journey. Although I kept positive, the underlying emotions were there every day.

I used Emotional Freedom Tapping, release work, meditating, exercise, free writing and talking to friends as ways to let go of the mountain of sadness and disappointment I felt. Maybe you have some ways of your own to release your emotions.

Emotional pain is one of the worse pains because without expressing and releasing the feelings, it consumes us. I continue every day to acknowledge how I feel and let it go. There are layers of it and as I clear one, another surfaces. However, I feel that in the long run I will work my way through the grief and find some peace emotionally.

I send you love and hope you will begin to heal from your loss.

Remember, we only want to lose the emotions, not the memory or love we felt for our loved one.

Love, Wendy x

Out of all of this grief, we have the beautiful memories...love, Wendy x

Forgiveness

There is much to forgive. You have to forgive the situation, yourself and often your partner. It is in forgiveness that you truly move on.

To forgive means you stop blaming or feeling anger towards the person or situation. You let it go.

During grief there is a great amount of anger and blame. The doctors may be blamed and you feel angry because your loved one is dying. Being left behind makes you angry and how your life turned out does the same. You may be angry at God, your situation, and from being widowed.

Once your anger dissipates forgiving becomes easier. I worked for months to let go and be able to completely forgive. I forgave Ray for dying, the situation I found myself in and most importantly, myself. It took a great deal of work to come to a final sense of forgiveness. However, it taught me that with forgiveness comes peace and healing.

Writing out your woes and anger shifts it. Recognizing how angry I was and how much I was punishing myself took time. However, it was pivotal in my healing to find forgiveness.

Then I told my family that they no longer had to be angry for my situation because I had forgiven everything that had occurred.

When the passing has been difficult and without resolution, anger and blame prevail. Not everyone is a good patient or changed before they die. Many become even more stubborn and refuse to make retribution. People do not change just because they are facing their death. Often they become even more entrenched because they are angry they are going.

Work at forgiveness because it releases you in a way that nothing else does. Stop being angry, blaming, and punishing yourself and others. Although it is a normal response you do not have to live like this forever.

It takes much strength and love to be forgiving.

Love, Wendy x

Sunday 21 April 2019

Surviving Grief Chapter 4 Part 1

Celebrations

Celebrations are confronting during loss. Somehow the contradiction with the happiness of the event and immense sadness of your loss makes having to be part of it conflicting. Celebrations may be general or specific. It does not matter because for you trying to manoeuvre through them is the trick.

I had seven pivotal events during my loss. They include birthdays, Christmas, and New Year. I barely scraped through them as it was only a couple of months after his death. On Christmas Day, I sobbed from lunch till I feel asleep in the early hours. These first occasions are harder than you think.

Shield yourself as much as possible. The time for putting others first are gone. You are the one trying to find a way to function. Go to the celebrations when you want but use the cancellation policy if necessary.

You can choose not to attend these times. Stay home, eat ice-cream, and watch television. Not going one year makes no difference long term. Next year you will be stronger and more able to deal with happy celebrations. I cancelled Christmas in my house. No Christmas tree, no decorations and I stayed home on the day. It was my way of getting through an arduous time. Before the house was brimming with Christmas paraphernalia. It was a wise decision. I was not reminded weeks before of being alone this year. After Christmas, I did not have to cry my way through packing up the tree and decorations.

You are grieving and can makes new rules and boundaries to keep yourself stable. In time, you will return to yourself. It will be a different self but a more compassionate and capable one.

Love Wendy x

Surviving Grief Chapter 3 Part 4

Friday 19 April 2019

Surviving Grief Chapter 3 Part 3

Easter

Still seems strange after 43 years of marriage to have Easter alone. Two weekends in one. I made the hot cross buns and have eaten the chocolate. Only 3 days to go. You know how it is!!!

Love to all, Wendy x

Thursday 18 April 2019

Grief stories from Wendy .... Getting through Easter

Wednesday 17 April 2019

Surviving Grief, Chapter 1 Part one

Early morning

Hi, woke up at 5 early morning as you well know. Probably Easter break on my mind. Second Easter alone.
I used the time to treat myself with coffee and chocolate and then blogged. My heart goes out to all of you reading this because sometimes it does feel never-ending.

But we are getting stronger every day...even on the messy ones. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with love and support. Join a grief site or ring a friend. The grief forums are great at 3 in the morning...lots online or Facebook. I have one called on Facebook called Surviving Grief and there are many others with active members who will message you back. Other survivors will answer you and offer comfort. Check them out.

Thinking of you this holiday break and hoping your day has some happy moments.

Love, Wendy x

Tuesday 16 April 2019

Easter

Easter is nearly here and I know it can be a hard time. The memories come back and it's sad you are not with your loved one.
Keep heart we will get better at this.

I plan to see a few friends, plant my bulbs and finish uploading my audio book.

Hope you do okay and enjoy eating some chocolate.

Love, Wendy

Monday 15 April 2019

Fear

Grief may manifest as fear. It is a scary path to tread alone. I was scared of everything especially in the beginning. The fear was strong and unrelenting. All of a sudden I was alone and responsible for everything as well as the way I was feeling. Fear like this is crippling.

Once you realize that the emotion you are experiencing is fear going through is easier. Grief stresses the body and makes you scared. Most of your fear comes from the daily grind of moving through loss. There is fear attached to being single and not having your rock with you. Being solely responsible for the decisions and all money concerns weigh heavily. Instead of having another close person you are alone. When you have been in a close shared partnership the fear is strong. The longer you have lived as a couple, the more entrenched are the dependency behaviours.

Take a breath and progress slowly. There is always help on hand and you are never truly going solo.

Often the death is a terrifying ordeal and leaves you reeling. Unlike the gentle and orchestrated passing showed on television, some last memories are disturbing. Fear manifests from these traumatic situations.

Be gentle with yourself because although no one talks about the fear it is definitely a massive obstacle during the first few weeks and months. Initially, I did not understand that I was experiencing it. Grief has many emotions and I had not fully realized that my general uneasiness was simply fear.

You may have fear of living alone, being able to cope, losing your mind, and being able to figure out all the chores surrounding the death. In the wee hours, you may wake up scared and feeling sick. All these responses are normal. However, once you accept most of them come from your fears you can put them to rest.

When I had a fearful time I went back into survival mode. In the next few hours or days I utilized all my techniques. As time passed the fear lessened but when I was triggered it came back in full force.

Calming herbs, medication, deep breathing, and release work help. On the bad days, don’t attempt anything. Rest and do nurturing activities. Once the fear abates you may try something more challenging.

Never underestimate the effects of fear on you. It is crippling. However, know that you are capable of moving past it and coming into a calmer place.

Surviving Grief Chapter 3 Part 2

Widowed

Surviving Grief Chapter 3 Part 1

Sunday 14 April 2019

Surviving Grief Chapter 2 Part 6

Ground Hog Day

When you are trying to heal from loss it really feels like the same day over and over again. Of course, it is not actually but the sadness and grief are there every day. I expected it to go away, but it did not.

You know how it is? You wake up and in those first few seconds, you forget. Then it all comes back and there you are. I came to accept it. I got up made a drink and something to eat and slowly got my engine going.

Be patient because it is normal and something you learn to live with. It is sad and your heart cries.

I know for all of us one day the sun will shine brighter. Keep hope because the pain does lessen and our smile and laughter does come back.

Hang in there. Every day it becomes a little bit easier. Be kind to yourself and loving.

Love, Wendy x

Saturday 13 April 2019

Moving on and carrying on

When a loved one dies a part of you dies too.

Moving on is not leaving your loved one behind. You take them forever with you in your heart and mind. When you move on you heal along the way and accept your loss. It is a healthy and positive way to cope with grief.

However, carrying on denotes that you bring the baggage with you. It is like carrying an extra load. Carrying on is arduous. Of course, there are situations where you do resort to simply carrying on. Usually hopelessness and resignation are part of carrying on. Instead of releasing the emotions, you carry them. Some people believe unless they hold onto these feelings they lose the loved one.

Moving on means you are walking into the future. Carrying on often means the past is dragged along with you.

You can choose either way but be aware of getting stuck when you choose to carry on. When we die we would wish that others who are left behind suffer as little as possible. We would want them to move one because they are still on earth.

When Ray died I did both of them, carrying on and moving on. At the beginning I was carrying on more because it was overwhelming. However, after a while I began to move on. It was painful because I wanted it to be like before. Being married had meant a great deal to me and losing him and the marriage hit hard. However, I knew that without moving on I would be caught back in the past. The past no longer existed in my present. Only memories lay there. Deciding to move on happens slowly.

Moving on is a form of acceptance. A realization of our new reality.

Knowing I took him with me into the future helped me make the shift. In my heart, I would always love him. He had been forty three years with me and a massive part of my world. However, to find personal happiness I needed to look to the future as uncertain as it was.

Moving on is not easy. All of your soul wants another outcome. The heart hankers for the past. However, moving on is a lighter load than carrying on.

Friday 12 April 2019

Letting go of grief

How you choose to heal

Loss of a partner from 'It's all about...moving on".

One of the greatest losses is a partner or spouse. Your whole world revolves around the union you have formed. Once they pass your life changes irrevocably. The loss is not only them but your focus, your lifestyle, and the way you relate to the world.

When I lost my husband nothing prepared me for the monumental upheaval it caused. Nothing and I mean nothing was the same again. From dawn to dusk the effects reverberated through me. I was totally lost. My future became uncertain and felt empty.

The void was palpable. When you face this sad reality the journey through it is very difficult. I never realized how challenging and lonely the path was.

The longer and deeper the connection, the more heartbreaking is the loss.

When they are sick before the pain of watching them slip away before your eyes makes the grieving begin before you actually lose them. When they die suddenly the shock must be overwhelming.

You will find your way through it all but not without the passage of time and support. Never think you are weak during the grieving process because it is difficult.

Losing a partner is a depth of sorrow only those who have felt it understand.

Thursday 11 April 2019

YouTube free audio book on surviving grief "It's all about...moving on".

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC-dTXOuihBeh5bRr1VR5aA?view_as=subscriber

I began writing this book soon after my husband died. It was cathartic but I also wanted to be a voice for all of us lost out there in the world of grief.

Over the next few weeks, I am uploading it all. Some parts will be relevant to you, some maybe not so much.

However, the lonely, teary journey we all share has one thing in common. The loss of someone we loved.

I hope you find some comfort in listening.

Love, Wendy x

Rebuilding your life

After loss, rebuilding your life is unavoidable. Everything changes and I mean everything. The days are never the same and you are forced into this new painful place.

There is only going forward even though you feel completely paralyzed with grief.

Try to rebuild as the days and months pass.

Some of the rebuilding happens because the person you loved is no longer in your daily life. Some of the rebuilding happens because you decide to make the changes.

Rebuilding is not leaving your loved one behind. You step ahead and take them with you in your heart and mind. In a sense, they are with you every day.

Part of the recovery from loss is beginning to live without them. You don't want to do it but have no choice.

The more you rebuild, the sooner you come to terms with your altered life.

Keep moving ahead. Step by step and your life will get somewhat better. Another life but a life still capable of giving joy and happiness.

Love, Wendy x

The people to be with during grief

Tuesday 9 April 2019

Birthday tomorrow

Hi,

It is my second birthday without my husband and as you know it is unknown territory.

Made plans to meet a couple of compassionate friends at their home ....easier than out publicly. Then home to veg.

These occasions are hard to predict so plan a bit of social contact with the cancellation policy in place.

Make sure to organise a meal which simply needs heating up in case you turn into a mess by nightfall.

Being prepared will help. And factor in some down time when you can regroup.

You will get better at this but without any forethought it may be more challenging.

The first few years are going to be stressful. The loss is raw and special occasions are sad without your loved one.

Take heart because nothing lasts forever.

Love, Wendy x

sound cloud audio

Hi,

Here is a sound cloud link

https://soundcloud.com/wendiedward

Saturday 6 April 2019

The usual funeral or not

Families decide what kind of funeral will happen. Often the person who died has input as well. After the passing, the funeral is the next major event. Do what you and your family want. Everyone comes from different background and family setups. It is your decision as a family, no one else’s.

Ray wanted a private family funeral with little fuss. I followed his wishes and received a lot of flak. It helped me see that funerals are not only for the one who passed. Some individuals could not cope with our family’s funeral. Stick to your guns. This is totally your decision. I was made to feel uncomfortable and strange because of his request. However, we honoured Ray’s wishes and keep our promise to him.

During these occasions having no funeral or doing it differently may not be well-received but stand your ground. What society dictates is not always encompassing. I felt these complaining individuals were being selfish and not actually respecting Ray’s wishes. They simply wanted to look good by turning up.

I am happy my family and I were strong enough to be funeral pioneers.

In addition, the funeral arrangements for many are not easy. There may be fights and hidden agendas so be careful. Try to find a good outcome amidst the heightened emotions. Being flexible during this difficult time is important. Normally, you only have one type of funeral and getting everyone’s’ wishes granted may be challenging.

The person who died would want it to be an amicable outcome.

In the end, the funeral supports those left behind more than the deceased.

Be brave and have the funeral your family wishes and forget about pleasing anyone else. The passing of the person is felt the most by the family and close friends. All the acquaintances who come to the funeral are merely on the periphery of your life.

Friday 5 April 2019

Remembering how we loved

The weekend desert

Well sitting here in bed. Another lonely weekend without my husband. Like you, weekends were kinda special and a time we spent together ...with family and friends.
Now I try to fill them in with an outing or some activity. Somehow the week is easier to do.
Always try to plan something even if it is going and doing your weekly shopping or a trip to the library. These seemingly little trips help to take up some of the long days.
Ring a friend or do something you enjoy. Plan to go to the movies or a show.
When you are widowed there can seem less access to others on the weekend. People seemed busier and less able to catch up.
Some of my weekends were so long....like three days not two....ha ha.
In time, you adjust to the loneliness or maybe you just get used to it.
However, plan ahead and try to contact a least one person.
We can survive this !!!
Love, Wendy x

Thursday 4 April 2019

mixcloud link